It has been a deep and painful morning. Today is the 16th of September and it is my birthday. I was born in 1969 in St. James hospital. Today I am 38 years old.
At first I tried to forget about it being my birthday. I had all but succeeded when my awesome girlfriend Terri reminded me last night. Thank you sweetie it was important that I not forget it or let it pass by. You are the most amazing thing in my life and the reason for me staying in the world. With out you I would have slipped back into my ghost mode and allowed everything to pass me by. In you I have found the strength to fight off the darkness that dwells within and tries again and again to drag me down and turn my eyes inward. You see the inward turned eye sees nothing but self and in that I would have lost any vision of that which lies outside. I was there once before and it was the worst time of my life. All I concerned myself with was how I was in pain and alone, but I was creating that by looking only inward. I was keeping everyone and everything away, it has taken me a long time to be willing to say all of this.
We are taught that evil, the devil or whatever you call it exists outside as some entity. This incarnation of evil attempts to hurt us or turn us away from goodness with these powers that seem to be greater then the powers of good. That is a lie and to use the colloquialism "straight out of the pit of hell". This thing is not outside in some fire filled pit, it is within all of us. It is that voice that tries to turn us against ourselves. As for its great powers, it has none save the ability to lie and lie well. It has to trick us into using our own God given powers for its purpose. That is how it works. We are the creation of the Creator and in such we are given a measure of his power, the power to create. No matter how big or small we all create in some way, fashion or form and that is the Creator's power expressing itself through us. This pathetic little evil has no powers of its own so it lies to us and tricks us into using our powers for its needs and in turn we hurt others and make things that hurt others and ourselves.
This morning it almost won. I almost turned away from everything I know is right and gave up. It was trying to make me feel that I am a waste of space and time. With sickening sweet words it tried to convince me that I was not worthy of all the good things in my life or capable of being anything more then I am right now. Worst of all it tried to take away Terri by making me think I was not worthy of her and that she could do better with someone else, so I should push her away to find that person.
But all of that is a HUGE LIE. A lie that I don't buy into nor do I give any credence to. To go back to a moment when I found light in darkness the first time I recall two things. One is a quote from a movie that is a abridged version of a quote from an inspirational speaker named Marianne Willamson and I place it here for all to read again.
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light not our darkness that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous,
talented and fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.
Your playing small does not serve the world.
There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other
people won't feel insecure around you.
We were born to make manifest the glory of
God that is within us.
It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone.
we unconsciously give other people
permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear,
Our presence automatically liberates others.
-Marianne Williamson
The second is a strange little audio clip that I cannot find again, maybe it never really existed except for that moment when I needed it. I will do my best to paraphrase.
We are the creation of the Creator, no matter what you call him. He did not create us to be weak and powerless but gave us great power. He gave it to us! All we have to do is except it we become invincible. We have to envision him giving us this power, this light as all of our friends, loved ones do as well. We are invincible! Just except that nothing can destroy you, the real you not this crude body of flesh and blood, the being of light that is the real you and me.
Ever since I heard and read these two things I have found that I can face that inner voice of doubt and fear with renewed strength and resistance.
Even this morning when it struck with vengeance.
I was watching "Lady in the Water" ,an awesome movie and it struck. I do not choose to give its words the any power by repeating them. It is safe to say that it attacked me on many levels. Maybe it was the fact of it being my birthday and all that it brings with it, I was weak to its attack and almost fell to it. It is also the fact that I am coming to realize that yet again I am losing my family.
No not my parents, although there is some trouble there as well. No I am referring to my extended family. You see I lost the family I made in high school when everyone went away, I quickly found others but it still hurt. Then I had a family at 3D House of Games, but they were taken away. Then I had the family at Gameopolis and for all my might they are going away as well. Please don't misunderstand I know it is the natural progression of things and I am glad and proud that everyone is developing their own lives and taking the first steps on their own paths, but that does not stop it from hurting. Things have passed and will never be again. I must accept this and in doing so move on.
All of these things have built up in me and that damnable voice tried to trick me into falling the abyss because of them. Only one thing kept me from falling in.
Terri.
I love you so much! It was thinking about you and what we have together that gave me the ability to turn away and allow the voice to fall silent. It was knowing how you feel about me that filled my limbs with strength to type this and in doing so fully free myself from its grip. Thank you for loving me and know that I shall always love you.
I AM MATT-MAN!
I AM INVINCIBLE!
WE ARE ALL INVINCIBLE!
To close I quote from Babylon 5 a Egyptian blessing...
May God stand between you and harm in all the empty places where you must walk.
May the Force be with you all
Excelsior!!!
1 comment:
Dude....Your words were more than appropriate for we all have felt that way one time or another. Know that you are my brother and you always have family at Mt. Olympus no matter what it is!!!
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