Hail and well met
Ok so I am going to put it all here.
My parents are on the verge of being evited. Dad has been unable to get work in a steady enough flow to provide for the costs of living. I don't know what they are doing. I don't know what to do.
That is the major reason for my moving out. About four and a half months ago my Dad sat me down and informed me that at that point we (I was still living there) were three months behind on rent (technicly called carring charges). I was somewhat pissed off that he had waited to inform me of this situation and made the decision to move out.
The fact of the matter is that if not for the generocity and patience of my good friend Bill I would have been up shit creek to move out. I don't make enough at the Post Office to support myself. It makes me feel so useless and such a loser.
Now they are even closer to being kicked out and still I don't have any way to help. Not even an idea or avenue for them to get help. The only thing that keeps me sane is my Aunt Rebecca. She has made it clear that if worse comes to worse she will help them out. That means they will be going to Texas. At least they have that.
My hopes of getting my games produced are starting to look like pipe dreams. My job is starting to look like a dead end. If anything happens I am screwed. I know Bill would be nice but I cannot expect him to tolerate having no money coming from me. If things fall apart any more then they are right now I have nowhere to go and nothing to fall back on.
I am my Fathers son.
I don't want to be depressed but I don't know how to avoid it. That damned roaring abyss of darkness has creeped back in my gut.
Oh and there is Terri. No nothing is wrong. Well nothing except that I cannot be there for her. I don't have a stable job to allow me to be with her. There is little I can do to support her. All I have is the love I feel for her. Whoever said that love is enough needs to live in the real world for a couple of years. Cause as far as I can see love don't pay the bills or keep them from kicking you out.
I just don't know what to think or do anymore.
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
Friday, October 26, 2007
Matt-Man, Raise the Roof
Hail and well met
Ok quick post here. I am alive and well. Things are going well. I am finishing up my move out of the old house. It is kinda sad but things have to move forward.
I am still yearning to play....anything!
Well preferably a good RPG but I am willing to play almost anything.
I also desperately need to get back to painting.
Ok well I am off to do something. Hope to see everyone this weekend, oh I won't be making it to the concert cause I totally missed the fact that a ticket was required so I didn't get one. So I will be hanging around outside being all creepy and stuff till the party starts after. Oh yes I will be lurking.
Later all
May the Force be with you
Excelsior!!!
Ok quick post here. I am alive and well. Things are going well. I am finishing up my move out of the old house. It is kinda sad but things have to move forward.
I am still yearning to play....anything!
Well preferably a good RPG but I am willing to play almost anything.
I also desperately need to get back to painting.
Ok well I am off to do something. Hope to see everyone this weekend, oh I won't be making it to the concert cause I totally missed the fact that a ticket was required so I didn't get one. So I will be hanging around outside being all creepy and stuff till the party starts after. Oh yes I will be lurking.
Later all
May the Force be with you
Excelsior!!!
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
Matt-Man and The Life
Hail and well met
I sit here realizing that I haven't posted for a number of days (more like a couple of weeks). In truth I have been a mix of busy and lazy. I have been working almost every day of the week. Again a lot of this has been short notice and has been driving me crazy.
I have been up to see Terri for the Wolves home opener and will be seeing her this coming weekend for the Haunted Trails. It is a trail in a forested park and several groups are allowed to create scenes that people then walk through. Our scene is about the "Wizard of Oz" but with a twist. I am playing the Tin-Man and have not been fully briefed on what the twisted part is. But my muse has been peaked and I have been furiously coming up with some ideas for a role play. I don't know the system but the story is getting really good. If anyone has any idea for what system to use let me know. I was thinking WOD since it kind of fits the mood of the story but I am open to suggestions.
Anyway I am also looking to get up to see Phantom of the Opera while it is in town. It is my hope to get to go with Terri. When I mentioned it she expressed an interest in seeing "Wicked" so I am looking into that.
I also really want to play something. I have been out of the gaming loop for way to damn long. Although I wouldn't mind some table top action I would also like to get some RPGing in as well.
I know many are away for school but I also know some home trips are coming up. Since the collapse of the super hero game this last summer I REALLY need to get a game going and finish it, or just give up on it altogether.
Well maybe not altogether but definitely pull back.
Nah who am I kidding? I love it way to much.
Anyway things are going well otherwise. The move has been halted while I am working so much. The next couple of days will see me off so I am hoping to make some strides in the direction of getting everything moved out.
I am still not fully adjusted to being out on my own...well sort of at least.
On other fronts I have heard from Ben in St.Louis and we are going to be starting up again. I am still considering my options as far as my games go but I still want to work with them. What sucks is that a trip down there would be the best way to get up to speed but with my out of control schedule that is not really possible.
But there is always the internet and phone calls. I am not giving up nor losing hope. I am alive and as long as there is life there is hope.
Yeah so looking forward to seeing Mel and Val tomorrow and the up coming Halloween party/concert. DAMN I need a costume! Wait maybe I can borrow the Tin-Man costume? I will have to look into that. Or I could get something together to be the infamous Matt-Man? Who knows.
So that wraps up things for now. I will hopefully see everyone soon or at least talk to them.
May the Force be with you
Excelsior!!!
I sit here realizing that I haven't posted for a number of days (more like a couple of weeks). In truth I have been a mix of busy and lazy. I have been working almost every day of the week. Again a lot of this has been short notice and has been driving me crazy.
I have been up to see Terri for the Wolves home opener and will be seeing her this coming weekend for the Haunted Trails. It is a trail in a forested park and several groups are allowed to create scenes that people then walk through. Our scene is about the "Wizard of Oz" but with a twist. I am playing the Tin-Man and have not been fully briefed on what the twisted part is. But my muse has been peaked and I have been furiously coming up with some ideas for a role play. I don't know the system but the story is getting really good. If anyone has any idea for what system to use let me know. I was thinking WOD since it kind of fits the mood of the story but I am open to suggestions.
Anyway I am also looking to get up to see Phantom of the Opera while it is in town. It is my hope to get to go with Terri. When I mentioned it she expressed an interest in seeing "Wicked" so I am looking into that.
I also really want to play something. I have been out of the gaming loop for way to damn long. Although I wouldn't mind some table top action I would also like to get some RPGing in as well.
I know many are away for school but I also know some home trips are coming up. Since the collapse of the super hero game this last summer I REALLY need to get a game going and finish it, or just give up on it altogether.
Well maybe not altogether but definitely pull back.
Nah who am I kidding? I love it way to much.
Anyway things are going well otherwise. The move has been halted while I am working so much. The next couple of days will see me off so I am hoping to make some strides in the direction of getting everything moved out.
I am still not fully adjusted to being out on my own...well sort of at least.
On other fronts I have heard from Ben in St.Louis and we are going to be starting up again. I am still considering my options as far as my games go but I still want to work with them. What sucks is that a trip down there would be the best way to get up to speed but with my out of control schedule that is not really possible.
But there is always the internet and phone calls. I am not giving up nor losing hope. I am alive and as long as there is life there is hope.
Yeah so looking forward to seeing Mel and Val tomorrow and the up coming Halloween party/concert. DAMN I need a costume! Wait maybe I can borrow the Tin-Man costume? I will have to look into that. Or I could get something together to be the infamous Matt-Man? Who knows.
So that wraps up things for now. I will hopefully see everyone soon or at least talk to them.
May the Force be with you
Excelsior!!!
Saturday, October 06, 2007
There and Back Again A Matt-Man Tale
Hail and well met
It has come to my attention that the Hollywood is yet again playing games with our hearts. I was working today and while placing mail in the case I came across Entertainment magazine. The cover announced that the Hobbit movie was going to be made and intimated veteran LoTR Director Peter Jackson would be doing it. Now I am not allowed to read other peoples magazines so I could not pop it open and get the real poop. I have done some online reading and it seems to contradict the assertions of the magazine.
The first problem was the fight over the rights to make the movie. I don't know the particulars but someone had the rights to make the film and would not give them up for New Line or any other studio to make a Hobbit movie.
Apparently that has been rectified. Thank the maker for that, cause I was getting ready to pop a industrial can of Matterocity on the subject.
Now I have come to understand that a conflict between Peter Jackson and New Line Cinema is keeping the man who was born to bring Tolkin's works to the silver screen. For those that don't know here it is in a nutshell (please read up on this for complete details and all the nuisances)
New Line Cinema is alleged to have doctored the books on the bottom line take on The Fellowship of the Ring DVD sales and in doing so stiffed Jackson money.
Again it is somewhat more complicated then that but that covers the basics.
DOES MATT-MAN HAVE TO FLY TO WHEREVER NEW LINE CINEMA'S OFFICES ARE AND LAY THE MATTEROCITY DOWN!!!
Just make the damn movie and let Peter Jackson do what he was born to do.
Does New Line owe him money? I don't know and can't say.
All I do know is that I want a Hobbit movie!
I WANT IT NOW!!!
Ok I am out of here for now.
Go and look up the Hobbit on IMDB.com for further information.
The Hobbit
May the Force be with you
Excelsior!!!
It has come to my attention that the Hollywood is yet again playing games with our hearts. I was working today and while placing mail in the case I came across Entertainment magazine. The cover announced that the Hobbit movie was going to be made and intimated veteran LoTR Director Peter Jackson would be doing it. Now I am not allowed to read other peoples magazines so I could not pop it open and get the real poop. I have done some online reading and it seems to contradict the assertions of the magazine.
The first problem was the fight over the rights to make the movie. I don't know the particulars but someone had the rights to make the film and would not give them up for New Line or any other studio to make a Hobbit movie.
Apparently that has been rectified. Thank the maker for that, cause I was getting ready to pop a industrial can of Matterocity on the subject.
Now I have come to understand that a conflict between Peter Jackson and New Line Cinema is keeping the man who was born to bring Tolkin's works to the silver screen. For those that don't know here it is in a nutshell (please read up on this for complete details and all the nuisances)
New Line Cinema is alleged to have doctored the books on the bottom line take on The Fellowship of the Ring DVD sales and in doing so stiffed Jackson money.
Again it is somewhat more complicated then that but that covers the basics.
DOES MATT-MAN HAVE TO FLY TO WHEREVER NEW LINE CINEMA'S OFFICES ARE AND LAY THE MATTEROCITY DOWN!!!
Just make the damn movie and let Peter Jackson do what he was born to do.
Does New Line owe him money? I don't know and can't say.
All I do know is that I want a Hobbit movie!
I WANT IT NOW!!!
Ok I am out of here for now.
Go and look up the Hobbit on IMDB.com for further information.
The Hobbit
May the Force be with you
Excelsior!!!
Thursday, October 04, 2007
Matt-Man Meets the Challenge
Hail and well met
I went blog hopping and found these on a friends blog. So here are my results.
66% Geek
381 WATTS
$3140.00
It was fun and somewhat humbling. But who cares. I am Matt-Man!
May the Force be with you
Excelsior!!!
I went blog hopping and found these on a friends blog. So here are my results.
66% Geek
Free Online Dating from JustSayHi
381 WATTS
100% Free Personals from JustSayHi
Free Online Dating from JustSayHi
$3140.00
JustSayHi - Free Personals
| Your Birthdate: September 16 |
 You're incredibly introverted and introspective. You live inside your head. You spend a lot of alone time meditating and thinking. People see you as withdrawn, and at times they are right. You are caring and deep, but it may be difficult for you to show this side of yourself. Your strength: Your original approach to thinking Your weakness: You tend to shy away from others Your power color: Pale blue Your power symbol: Wavy line Your power month: July |
It was fun and somewhat humbling. But who cares. I am Matt-Man!
May the Force be with you
Excelsior!!!
Wednesday, October 03, 2007
Matt-Man, You've Got It!
Hail and well met
It has been a little while since I posted. Mostly I have been working or recovering from work. There are a few things have happened, seeing Terri being the most notable.
I am in good spirits and health. The next two weeks will be telling as I am working for the majority of both of them. It is good news on the cash flow note but as far as free time goes it sucks. Ah well I am not one to complain...much. It is the same ole' soapbox. No set scheduling, being on call 24/6 (we all have Sunday off) and all the stress that comes from coming in to someone else's mess and cleaning it up. Now it has been rougher then usual as I have run afoul of my Post Master. It started with a simple mistake while recording my time on the card and then followed up later that week by a misunderstanding that was taken to far. I won't go into details as I am not sure where that dreaded boundary line is on what is privileged information and what is open to the public.
Today things seemed better but I know that the ugliness is just waiting under the surface to pop out and strike me. Unfortunately what they don't understand is the one fact that keeps me going with a smile on my face (albeit pained and strained at times) and that fact is ....
I am Matt-Man
and
I am INVINCIBLE!!!!
No weapon formed against me shall prosper and any voice that rises up against me I shall condemn. If the attempt to come in like a flood, a standard shall be raised against them.
These are paraphrased verses from the bible (yes I still believe in and read it). So just let them try and destroy me and they will discover just how painful it feels to run into a solid brick wall (spiritually speaking that is).
Things are going well and I am looking forward to the next few months and the challenges that come along with them.
I hope this finds all well and if not then let me know about it. Give me a call, drop me a email or something. Come on people I am your friend and I care. I may not have the time or mental capacity to call I apologize but the communication road goes both ways.
Anyway enough for this post I am off to change my clothes, relax for a while and then maybe go see Resident Evil Extinction.
May the Force be with you all
Excelsior!!!
It has been a little while since I posted. Mostly I have been working or recovering from work. There are a few things have happened, seeing Terri being the most notable.
I am in good spirits and health. The next two weeks will be telling as I am working for the majority of both of them. It is good news on the cash flow note but as far as free time goes it sucks. Ah well I am not one to complain...much. It is the same ole' soapbox. No set scheduling, being on call 24/6 (we all have Sunday off) and all the stress that comes from coming in to someone else's mess and cleaning it up. Now it has been rougher then usual as I have run afoul of my Post Master. It started with a simple mistake while recording my time on the card and then followed up later that week by a misunderstanding that was taken to far. I won't go into details as I am not sure where that dreaded boundary line is on what is privileged information and what is open to the public.
Today things seemed better but I know that the ugliness is just waiting under the surface to pop out and strike me. Unfortunately what they don't understand is the one fact that keeps me going with a smile on my face (albeit pained and strained at times) and that fact is ....
I am Matt-Man
and
I am INVINCIBLE!!!!
No weapon formed against me shall prosper and any voice that rises up against me I shall condemn. If the attempt to come in like a flood, a standard shall be raised against them.
These are paraphrased verses from the bible (yes I still believe in and read it). So just let them try and destroy me and they will discover just how painful it feels to run into a solid brick wall (spiritually speaking that is).
Things are going well and I am looking forward to the next few months and the challenges that come along with them.
I hope this finds all well and if not then let me know about it. Give me a call, drop me a email or something. Come on people I am your friend and I care. I may not have the time or mental capacity to call I apologize but the communication road goes both ways.
Anyway enough for this post I am off to change my clothes, relax for a while and then maybe go see Resident Evil Extinction.
May the Force be with you all
Excelsior!!!
Monday, September 24, 2007
Matt-Man and the Roller Coaster of Life
Hail and well met
Wow it has been a roller coaster since my last post. To start off I had an amazing time at Lothlorien. The weather not withstanding (it was hot and humid in the day but the nights were cool, literally cold). It was great seeing everyone again. Walking through those woods was relaxing and revitalizing.
Then I got back. Today was a royal pain in the ass. Tons of mail and to top it all off getting dumped half of route 10. On a Monday they decide to give me half of another route, albeit the aux route (which means it is not big enough to be considered a real full time route) it is still a pain to deal with more stops when Penny Savers are involved.
So after working an 11 hour day half of which was in a car with the sun beating down I am in a world of pain and discomfort.
Now comes some good news. It is going to be an awesome rest of the week. Thursday I am running up to Terri's for a lobster dinner at Bob Chins with a tour of the facility. It should be amazing. Then after work Saturday I am again running to see Terri but this time it is at a campground in Peoria and then back to her place. The great thing is that I don't work on that Monday so I can stay and be with her. It is going to be AMAZING!
So yeah it has been a upper and downer couple of days. But life is that way sometimes. It is not the things that happen to us but how we deal with them that counts.
Ok that is all for this post I will see everyone later.
May the Force be with you
Excelsior!!!
Wow it has been a roller coaster since my last post. To start off I had an amazing time at Lothlorien. The weather not withstanding (it was hot and humid in the day but the nights were cool, literally cold). It was great seeing everyone again. Walking through those woods was relaxing and revitalizing.
Then I got back. Today was a royal pain in the ass. Tons of mail and to top it all off getting dumped half of route 10. On a Monday they decide to give me half of another route, albeit the aux route (which means it is not big enough to be considered a real full time route) it is still a pain to deal with more stops when Penny Savers are involved.
So after working an 11 hour day half of which was in a car with the sun beating down I am in a world of pain and discomfort.
Now comes some good news. It is going to be an awesome rest of the week. Thursday I am running up to Terri's for a lobster dinner at Bob Chins with a tour of the facility. It should be amazing. Then after work Saturday I am again running to see Terri but this time it is at a campground in Peoria and then back to her place. The great thing is that I don't work on that Monday so I can stay and be with her. It is going to be AMAZING!
So yeah it has been a upper and downer couple of days. But life is that way sometimes. It is not the things that happen to us but how we deal with them that counts.
Ok that is all for this post I will see everyone later.
May the Force be with you
Excelsior!!!
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
Matt-Man Counts Down to Loth!
Hail and well met
There are only 3 and a half days till Loth!!!!!!
I am so psyched about going I cannot express how I am looking forward to this. I have Saturday off and although I am working that Monday I can get home in plenty of time to get sleep.
YEAH LOTH!!!!!!!!!!
May the Force be with you
Excelsior!!!
There are only 3 and a half days till Loth!!!!!!
I am so psyched about going I cannot express how I am looking forward to this. I have Saturday off and although I am working that Monday I can get home in plenty of time to get sleep.
YEAH LOTH!!!!!!!!!!
May the Force be with you
Excelsior!!!
Sunday, September 16, 2007
Matt-Man, More then Meets the Eye
Ok I know my last post was heavy but I just found this and had to try it out. Well guess what? I found out which Transformer I am.....
Find out which Transformer you are at LiquidGeneration!
HA! I got the coolest and baddest Autobot of them all The Amazing Bumblebee!
That just made my day!
May the Force be with you
Excelsior!!!
Find out which Transformer you are at LiquidGeneration!
HA! I got the coolest and baddest Autobot of them all The Amazing Bumblebee!
That just made my day!
May the Force be with you
Excelsior!!!
Matt-Man is...
Hail and well met
It has been a deep and painful morning. Today is the 16th of September and it is my birthday. I was born in 1969 in St. James hospital. Today I am 38 years old.
At first I tried to forget about it being my birthday. I had all but succeeded when my awesome girlfriend Terri reminded me last night. Thank you sweetie it was important that I not forget it or let it pass by. You are the most amazing thing in my life and the reason for me staying in the world. With out you I would have slipped back into my ghost mode and allowed everything to pass me by. In you I have found the strength to fight off the darkness that dwells within and tries again and again to drag me down and turn my eyes inward. You see the inward turned eye sees nothing but self and in that I would have lost any vision of that which lies outside. I was there once before and it was the worst time of my life. All I concerned myself with was how I was in pain and alone, but I was creating that by looking only inward. I was keeping everyone and everything away, it has taken me a long time to be willing to say all of this.
We are taught that evil, the devil or whatever you call it exists outside as some entity. This incarnation of evil attempts to hurt us or turn us away from goodness with these powers that seem to be greater then the powers of good. That is a lie and to use the colloquialism "straight out of the pit of hell". This thing is not outside in some fire filled pit, it is within all of us. It is that voice that tries to turn us against ourselves. As for its great powers, it has none save the ability to lie and lie well. It has to trick us into using our own God given powers for its purpose. That is how it works. We are the creation of the Creator and in such we are given a measure of his power, the power to create. No matter how big or small we all create in some way, fashion or form and that is the Creator's power expressing itself through us. This pathetic little evil has no powers of its own so it lies to us and tricks us into using our powers for its needs and in turn we hurt others and make things that hurt others and ourselves.
This morning it almost won. I almost turned away from everything I know is right and gave up. It was trying to make me feel that I am a waste of space and time. With sickening sweet words it tried to convince me that I was not worthy of all the good things in my life or capable of being anything more then I am right now. Worst of all it tried to take away Terri by making me think I was not worthy of her and that she could do better with someone else, so I should push her away to find that person.
But all of that is a HUGE LIE. A lie that I don't buy into nor do I give any credence to. To go back to a moment when I found light in darkness the first time I recall two things. One is a quote from a movie that is a abridged version of a quote from an inspirational speaker named Marianne Willamson and I place it here for all to read again.
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
we unconsciously give other people
permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear,
Our presence automatically liberates others.
-Marianne Williamson
The second is a strange little audio clip that I cannot find again, maybe it never really existed except for that moment when I needed it. I will do my best to paraphrase.
We are the creation of the Creator, no matter what you call him. He did not create us to be weak and powerless but gave us great power. He gave it to us! All we have to do is except it we become invincible. We have to envision him giving us this power, this light as all of our friends, loved ones do as well. We are invincible! Just except that nothing can destroy you, the real you not this crude body of flesh and blood, the being of light that is the real you and me.
Ever since I heard and read these two things I have found that I can face that inner voice of doubt and fear with renewed strength and resistance.
Even this morning when it struck with vengeance.
I was watching "Lady in the Water" ,an awesome movie and it struck. I do not choose to give its words the any power by repeating them. It is safe to say that it attacked me on many levels. Maybe it was the fact of it being my birthday and all that it brings with it, I was weak to its attack and almost fell to it. It is also the fact that I am coming to realize that yet again I am losing my family.
No not my parents, although there is some trouble there as well. No I am referring to my extended family. You see I lost the family I made in high school when everyone went away, I quickly found others but it still hurt. Then I had a family at 3D House of Games, but they were taken away. Then I had the family at Gameopolis and for all my might they are going away as well. Please don't misunderstand I know it is the natural progression of things and I am glad and proud that everyone is developing their own lives and taking the first steps on their own paths, but that does not stop it from hurting. Things have passed and will never be again. I must accept this and in doing so move on.
All of these things have built up in me and that damnable voice tried to trick me into falling the abyss because of them. Only one thing kept me from falling in.
Terri.
I love you so much! It was thinking about you and what we have together that gave me the ability to turn away and allow the voice to fall silent. It was knowing how you feel about me that filled my limbs with strength to type this and in doing so fully free myself from its grip. Thank you for loving me and know that I shall always love you.
I AM MATT-MAN!
I AM INVINCIBLE!
WE ARE ALL INVINCIBLE!
To close I quote from Babylon 5 a Egyptian blessing...
May God stand between you and harm in all the empty places where you must walk.
May the Force be with you all
Excelsior!!!
It has been a deep and painful morning. Today is the 16th of September and it is my birthday. I was born in 1969 in St. James hospital. Today I am 38 years old.
At first I tried to forget about it being my birthday. I had all but succeeded when my awesome girlfriend Terri reminded me last night. Thank you sweetie it was important that I not forget it or let it pass by. You are the most amazing thing in my life and the reason for me staying in the world. With out you I would have slipped back into my ghost mode and allowed everything to pass me by. In you I have found the strength to fight off the darkness that dwells within and tries again and again to drag me down and turn my eyes inward. You see the inward turned eye sees nothing but self and in that I would have lost any vision of that which lies outside. I was there once before and it was the worst time of my life. All I concerned myself with was how I was in pain and alone, but I was creating that by looking only inward. I was keeping everyone and everything away, it has taken me a long time to be willing to say all of this.
We are taught that evil, the devil or whatever you call it exists outside as some entity. This incarnation of evil attempts to hurt us or turn us away from goodness with these powers that seem to be greater then the powers of good. That is a lie and to use the colloquialism "straight out of the pit of hell". This thing is not outside in some fire filled pit, it is within all of us. It is that voice that tries to turn us against ourselves. As for its great powers, it has none save the ability to lie and lie well. It has to trick us into using our own God given powers for its purpose. That is how it works. We are the creation of the Creator and in such we are given a measure of his power, the power to create. No matter how big or small we all create in some way, fashion or form and that is the Creator's power expressing itself through us. This pathetic little evil has no powers of its own so it lies to us and tricks us into using our powers for its needs and in turn we hurt others and make things that hurt others and ourselves.
This morning it almost won. I almost turned away from everything I know is right and gave up. It was trying to make me feel that I am a waste of space and time. With sickening sweet words it tried to convince me that I was not worthy of all the good things in my life or capable of being anything more then I am right now. Worst of all it tried to take away Terri by making me think I was not worthy of her and that she could do better with someone else, so I should push her away to find that person.
But all of that is a HUGE LIE. A lie that I don't buy into nor do I give any credence to. To go back to a moment when I found light in darkness the first time I recall two things. One is a quote from a movie that is a abridged version of a quote from an inspirational speaker named Marianne Willamson and I place it here for all to read again.
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light not our darkness that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous,
talented and fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.
Your playing small does not serve the world.
There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other
people won't feel insecure around you.
We were born to make manifest the glory of
God that is within us.
It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone.
we unconsciously give other people
permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear,
Our presence automatically liberates others.
-Marianne Williamson
The second is a strange little audio clip that I cannot find again, maybe it never really existed except for that moment when I needed it. I will do my best to paraphrase.
We are the creation of the Creator, no matter what you call him. He did not create us to be weak and powerless but gave us great power. He gave it to us! All we have to do is except it we become invincible. We have to envision him giving us this power, this light as all of our friends, loved ones do as well. We are invincible! Just except that nothing can destroy you, the real you not this crude body of flesh and blood, the being of light that is the real you and me.
Ever since I heard and read these two things I have found that I can face that inner voice of doubt and fear with renewed strength and resistance.
Even this morning when it struck with vengeance.
I was watching "Lady in the Water" ,an awesome movie and it struck. I do not choose to give its words the any power by repeating them. It is safe to say that it attacked me on many levels. Maybe it was the fact of it being my birthday and all that it brings with it, I was weak to its attack and almost fell to it. It is also the fact that I am coming to realize that yet again I am losing my family.
No not my parents, although there is some trouble there as well. No I am referring to my extended family. You see I lost the family I made in high school when everyone went away, I quickly found others but it still hurt. Then I had a family at 3D House of Games, but they were taken away. Then I had the family at Gameopolis and for all my might they are going away as well. Please don't misunderstand I know it is the natural progression of things and I am glad and proud that everyone is developing their own lives and taking the first steps on their own paths, but that does not stop it from hurting. Things have passed and will never be again. I must accept this and in doing so move on.
All of these things have built up in me and that damnable voice tried to trick me into falling the abyss because of them. Only one thing kept me from falling in.
Terri.
I love you so much! It was thinking about you and what we have together that gave me the ability to turn away and allow the voice to fall silent. It was knowing how you feel about me that filled my limbs with strength to type this and in doing so fully free myself from its grip. Thank you for loving me and know that I shall always love you.
I AM MATT-MAN!
I AM INVINCIBLE!
WE ARE ALL INVINCIBLE!
To close I quote from Babylon 5 a Egyptian blessing...
May God stand between you and harm in all the empty places where you must walk.
May the Force be with you all
Excelsior!!!
Sunday, September 09, 2007
Matt-Man on Zombies...
Hail and well met
Yup I am feeling in an undead mood and trust Youtube to help me express it. I hope you all enjoy these offerings, if you have already seen them
Tough!
I like them and that is that.
HA I love being a little brat.
Well not so little but definitely a brat
Later all
May the Flesh be with you
Excelsior!!!
Yup I am feeling in an undead mood and trust Youtube to help me express it. I hope you all enjoy these offerings, if you have already seen them
Tough!
I like them and that is that.
HA I love being a little brat.
Well not so little but definitely a brat
Later all
May the Flesh be with you
Excelsior!!!
Wednesday, September 05, 2007
Things Go Better With Matt-Man
Hail and well met
It has been a few days since I posted. Mostly because I have been running around. Last weekend I went up to see Terri for Labor day. It was amazing.
Since then I have been running around like a one legged man in an ass kicking contest. I have never seen such a rush of mail. We still have not caught up. I have been getting up an hour earlier and getting home later. It looks to be around 10 to 12 hour days. I am hoping to get Friday off and make a trip up to see everyone Thursday night and maybe Friday during the day and early evening. I am also going to make it up to Ferric's concert and B-Day Bash this Saturday.
It should be awesome.
Oh I know I have not posted the rest of the Gen Con report...in truth I will do so but consider it the abridged cliffnote version. Sort of the bullet points.
Other then that I am good, tired but good. I cannot wait to see everyone.
May the Force be with you
Excelsior!!!
It has been a few days since I posted. Mostly because I have been running around. Last weekend I went up to see Terri for Labor day. It was amazing.
Since then I have been running around like a one legged man in an ass kicking contest. I have never seen such a rush of mail. We still have not caught up. I have been getting up an hour earlier and getting home later. It looks to be around 10 to 12 hour days. I am hoping to get Friday off and make a trip up to see everyone Thursday night and maybe Friday during the day and early evening. I am also going to make it up to Ferric's concert and B-Day Bash this Saturday.
It should be awesome.
Oh I know I have not posted the rest of the Gen Con report...in truth I will do so but consider it the abridged cliffnote version. Sort of the bullet points.
Other then that I am good, tired but good. I cannot wait to see everyone.
May the Force be with you
Excelsior!!!
Thursday, August 30, 2007
I'd Sleep with Matt-Man...
Hail and well met
Yeah I would have to say that if given a chance I would sleep with Matt-Man, of course I have to since I am Matt-Man but it is a good feeling to know that if I ever found myself at a bar I wouldn't mind going home with me.
I do have to say that things are not really great. I don't know what is wrong but I know I am not right. No I don't intend to spiral into a boring post about me (and lets face it I am quite boring). No I am just trying to get a handle on why all of a sudden I am unable to get away...
Wait I may have just put my finger on it and I don't really like it one bit.
I was getting away from my P's when I went out to lansing before and now I don't have to do that to be me I can be me right here. I am not being repressed by the set of conditions that I was living in. Wait that really makes me an asshole. Cause I used people as an escape from my situation and now that that situation has changed I seem to be unable to head out and see them?
Oh CRAP! What the fuck is wrong with me? NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!
I don't want to think that I can do something like that but it is apparent that I have and am doing that. That only means one thing, I have to change what I a doing.
I will cut myself a little slack as it is the first time in my life I am free to be the me that has always been locked up while I was living at my P's house. It is kind of like not having something for a real long time and then being able to have it and going ape shit. There is a word for that, what is it?
Oh yeah binging.
Alright then I have to stop binging and take control of my life and change.
Crap what was I originally going to post on? I lost sight of it in the light of self realization. Damn bright light...
No
Damn sunrise, hurts my eyes!
Ben for Pope!
May the Force be with you
Excelsior!!!
(when I remember what I was going to post about I will, until then this is it....sorry)
Yeah I would have to say that if given a chance I would sleep with Matt-Man, of course I have to since I am Matt-Man but it is a good feeling to know that if I ever found myself at a bar I wouldn't mind going home with me.
I do have to say that things are not really great. I don't know what is wrong but I know I am not right. No I don't intend to spiral into a boring post about me (and lets face it I am quite boring). No I am just trying to get a handle on why all of a sudden I am unable to get away...
Wait I may have just put my finger on it and I don't really like it one bit.
I was getting away from my P's when I went out to lansing before and now I don't have to do that to be me I can be me right here. I am not being repressed by the set of conditions that I was living in. Wait that really makes me an asshole. Cause I used people as an escape from my situation and now that that situation has changed I seem to be unable to head out and see them?
Oh CRAP! What the fuck is wrong with me? NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!
I don't want to think that I can do something like that but it is apparent that I have and am doing that. That only means one thing, I have to change what I a doing.
I will cut myself a little slack as it is the first time in my life I am free to be the me that has always been locked up while I was living at my P's house. It is kind of like not having something for a real long time and then being able to have it and going ape shit. There is a word for that, what is it?
Oh yeah binging.
Alright then I have to stop binging and take control of my life and change.
Crap what was I originally going to post on? I lost sight of it in the light of self realization. Damn bright light...
No
Damn sunrise, hurts my eyes!
Ben for Pope!
May the Force be with you
Excelsior!!!
(when I remember what I was going to post about I will, until then this is it....sorry)
Sunday, August 26, 2007
Matt-Man on The Movies
Hail and well met
I know that I have to finish talking about Gen Con and I will but first I have to talk about a movie I just found out about. Knowing how things go I am sure I am the last to know about it but here it goes anyway. It is called Dragon War and it is a special effects extravaganza. I gather from the story that dragons once were used as weapons in ancient wars and some how come back in present day. I don't care about the story much cause I intend on watching dragons of all types battle it out on the big screen. Take a look at the trailer and some of the other stuff on the site Dragon-war.
Ok now to finish talking about Gen Con. Were did I leave off, oh yeah I went back to the hotel and went to sleep. Well not right away I had to figure out what I was going to do all the next day. So I looked and searched through the event catalog for things I wanted to do. I found several seminars I wanted to attend (yes I said wanted to but I will explain soon). So with that in mind I shut off the TV set my phone alarm and went to bed.
I awoke the next morning all ready to go. I had gotten up at around 6 so I had plenty of time to make it to my first seminar at 8. I showered and dressed then headed out. After spending 40 plus minutes finding a way down town and then a parking space I was ready to get down to buisness. I waked in and found my friend Dennis first so I could try and coordinate that evenings activities. As I was talking to him I overheard someone talking and mentioning the time. The said it was 8:30, which by my phone was an hour off. I mentioned it to Dennis and he said something about it being an hour difference down here to up by us. Being a dense block I didn't even realize what that meant.
So I took off to make it to my seminar. As I approached the door I could hear people talking inside and then the doors opened as people left the seminar. It had just ended. I stood there and realized what a idiot I had been. I forgot to set my phone ahead an hour, but then again I thought it did that on its own.
Well that set the tone for my seminar viewing for the rest of the day. I went to the dealer hall and waked around. I stopped by the Privateer booth and saw something new. They are coming out with wreck tokens for jacks. They come in two sizes and sit on a base so they can be removed if lets say they are used for something. I like them and will be picking them up as soon as they are available through Mr.S. I have to say it was a really packed booth and I found it hard to maneuver so I didn't get a good look to see if any new mini's were being displayed. I was happy to see the interest and activity at their booth.
The other big things I saw, well the one big thing I say was Magnificent Ego's booth. They were teamed up with Dead Gentlemen Productions. The grand news is that Gamers 2 is done but now it is waiting for someone to pick it up for distribution. I saw a miniature that I wanted to check out but then decided not to cause I couldn't afford to spend that kind of money cause although I love magnificent ego's miniatures but the ones I love are REAL EXPENSIVE. It looked like an amber hulk queen cause it had wings! It was cool. The big problem now is that I cannot find it on the web to figure out it's name. Anyway while I was there I had an opportunity to talk to the guys and found out that Margret Wies productions is making a RPG for the Demon Hunters license. I have the starter rules and from what I have read it sounds like a blast.
I have a training DVD for the game and it should be funny (no I haven't looked at it as I am holding off till we all can have a look). I wanted to catch the debut showing of Gamers 2 but again I missed it cause if I tried to go I would have missed going to the VIG dinner with Dennis. Which was pretty cool. I got to see some people in the industry like Gary Gygax, Zev from Z-Man games and a few others that I don't know. It was an awesome meal with some other gamers. The meal was awesome, I mean real food not standard buffet fare.
Anyway I had a blast and it was a good time. I have a plan for next year and I will let everyone in soon.
I have to apologize to everyone for being so distant but things are just nuts around here. I keep trying to find time but every time I turn around something goes wrong or takes way longer then I planned. Tomorrow I am going to come out. I don't care what is going on I am going to come out and see everyone. I will car before just in case it is a bad idea but I am calling and coming out. I really miss seeing everyone. It really sucks. I have so much I want to do and time seems to escape me.
May the Force be with you
Excelsior!!!
I know that I have to finish talking about Gen Con and I will but first I have to talk about a movie I just found out about. Knowing how things go I am sure I am the last to know about it but here it goes anyway. It is called Dragon War and it is a special effects extravaganza. I gather from the story that dragons once were used as weapons in ancient wars and some how come back in present day. I don't care about the story much cause I intend on watching dragons of all types battle it out on the big screen. Take a look at the trailer and some of the other stuff on the site Dragon-war.
Ok now to finish talking about Gen Con. Were did I leave off, oh yeah I went back to the hotel and went to sleep. Well not right away I had to figure out what I was going to do all the next day. So I looked and searched through the event catalog for things I wanted to do. I found several seminars I wanted to attend (yes I said wanted to but I will explain soon). So with that in mind I shut off the TV set my phone alarm and went to bed.
I awoke the next morning all ready to go. I had gotten up at around 6 so I had plenty of time to make it to my first seminar at 8. I showered and dressed then headed out. After spending 40 plus minutes finding a way down town and then a parking space I was ready to get down to buisness. I waked in and found my friend Dennis first so I could try and coordinate that evenings activities. As I was talking to him I overheard someone talking and mentioning the time. The said it was 8:30, which by my phone was an hour off. I mentioned it to Dennis and he said something about it being an hour difference down here to up by us. Being a dense block I didn't even realize what that meant.
So I took off to make it to my seminar. As I approached the door I could hear people talking inside and then the doors opened as people left the seminar. It had just ended. I stood there and realized what a idiot I had been. I forgot to set my phone ahead an hour, but then again I thought it did that on its own.
Well that set the tone for my seminar viewing for the rest of the day. I went to the dealer hall and waked around. I stopped by the Privateer booth and saw something new. They are coming out with wreck tokens for jacks. They come in two sizes and sit on a base so they can be removed if lets say they are used for something. I like them and will be picking them up as soon as they are available through Mr.S. I have to say it was a really packed booth and I found it hard to maneuver so I didn't get a good look to see if any new mini's were being displayed. I was happy to see the interest and activity at their booth.
The other big things I saw, well the one big thing I say was Magnificent Ego's booth. They were teamed up with Dead Gentlemen Productions. The grand news is that Gamers 2 is done but now it is waiting for someone to pick it up for distribution. I saw a miniature that I wanted to check out but then decided not to cause I couldn't afford to spend that kind of money cause although I love magnificent ego's miniatures but the ones I love are REAL EXPENSIVE. It looked like an amber hulk queen cause it had wings! It was cool. The big problem now is that I cannot find it on the web to figure out it's name. Anyway while I was there I had an opportunity to talk to the guys and found out that Margret Wies productions is making a RPG for the Demon Hunters license. I have the starter rules and from what I have read it sounds like a blast.
I have a training DVD for the game and it should be funny (no I haven't looked at it as I am holding off till we all can have a look). I wanted to catch the debut showing of Gamers 2 but again I missed it cause if I tried to go I would have missed going to the VIG dinner with Dennis. Which was pretty cool. I got to see some people in the industry like Gary Gygax, Zev from Z-Man games and a few others that I don't know. It was an awesome meal with some other gamers. The meal was awesome, I mean real food not standard buffet fare.
Anyway I had a blast and it was a good time. I have a plan for next year and I will let everyone in soon.
I have to apologize to everyone for being so distant but things are just nuts around here. I keep trying to find time but every time I turn around something goes wrong or takes way longer then I planned. Tomorrow I am going to come out. I don't care what is going on I am going to come out and see everyone. I will car before just in case it is a bad idea but I am calling and coming out. I really miss seeing everyone. It really sucks. I have so much I want to do and time seems to escape me.
May the Force be with you
Excelsior!!!
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
Sunday, August 19, 2007
Matt-Man comes home...Finally!
Hail and well met
Well I am home and done with the running around I have been doing. I have a ton to talk about but I have no time right now. I just want to stop by and tell everyone that all is good and I am very well.
I will post again in the next few day telling all about Gen Con and everything else.
May the Force be with you
Excelsior!!!
Well I am home and done with the running around I have been doing. I have a ton to talk about but I have no time right now. I just want to stop by and tell everyone that all is good and I am very well.
I will post again in the next few day telling all about Gen Con and everything else.
May the Force be with you
Excelsior!!!
Saturday, August 18, 2007
Matt-Man Returns...Oh Wait He Is Off Again!!!
Hail and well met
I don't have a lot of time to type but I just wanted to say that I am back and heading up to see Terri at the CD release party. Tomorrow looks in jeopardy due to the rain. In fact I am going to have to say it is most likely a wash out (ha ha but I am not kidding). I do know that Terri wants to do something for Labor Day weekend and it may work out that we end up going on that Monday after a party on Sunday, which everyone is invited to.
As far as Gen Con is concerned it was a good trip, not perfect but good. Perfect is going to be next year...but that a story for later.
May the Force be with you
Excelsior!!!
I don't have a lot of time to type but I just wanted to say that I am back and heading up to see Terri at the CD release party. Tomorrow looks in jeopardy due to the rain. In fact I am going to have to say it is most likely a wash out (ha ha but I am not kidding). I do know that Terri wants to do something for Labor Day weekend and it may work out that we end up going on that Monday after a party on Sunday, which everyone is invited to.
As far as Gen Con is concerned it was a good trip, not perfect but good. Perfect is going to be next year...but that a story for later.
May the Force be with you
Excelsior!!!
Wednesday, August 15, 2007
Matt-Man Countdown to GenCon
Hail and well met
Well it is getting closer every minute. As I see it there is about 12 an a half hours till I take off. It is going to be an amazing weekend, crazy busy but amazing. I will roll into Indianapolis around 12 or 1 o'clock. I plan on heading back early Saturday morning and should be in town around 10 or 11 o'clock. I will be stopping around the area before I head off to met up with Terri and make our way to Chicago City Limits for the CD release party for Khaos Theory. I just found out about it earlier this week. If anyone wishes to come along that is cool. I know it is rather sudden but again I only just figured out it was this weekend.
After that wonderful evening of drunken debauchery, and as long as the weather doesn't screw things by raining we will be heading to the ren fair on Sunday.
Well I am heading off to bed so I can get up and get ready. I hope to see everyone soon and those that are off at school I hope all is well and I will hopefully see you soon.
May the Force be with you
Excelsior!!!
Well it is getting closer every minute. As I see it there is about 12 an a half hours till I take off. It is going to be an amazing weekend, crazy busy but amazing. I will roll into Indianapolis around 12 or 1 o'clock. I plan on heading back early Saturday morning and should be in town around 10 or 11 o'clock. I will be stopping around the area before I head off to met up with Terri and make our way to Chicago City Limits for the CD release party for Khaos Theory. I just found out about it earlier this week. If anyone wishes to come along that is cool. I know it is rather sudden but again I only just figured out it was this weekend.
After that wonderful evening of drunken debauchery, and as long as the weather doesn't screw things by raining we will be heading to the ren fair on Sunday.
Well I am heading off to bed so I can get up and get ready. I hope to see everyone soon and those that are off at school I hope all is well and I will hopefully see you soon.
May the Force be with you
Excelsior!!!
Monday, August 13, 2007
Matt-Man...Yeah that is it
Hail and well met
So things are what they are. People are starting to head off back to school. Yet again I feel the sensation of a house with all the children leaving. At times I am really glad I don't have children because I don't think I could handle watching them go away.
Well yet again I am working extra hours. Now please don't think that I am really complaining but as I have said before it is just the random nature of it all. Well no matter what I am going to Gen Con this Thursday and Friday. Then I am back in town for a few hours the off to Terri's for a trip to the Ren Fair this Sunday. Hey again anyone that wants to go with feel free to shoot me a line and we can work something. I am coming back on Sunday evening cause I work on Monday.
That is all the time I have right now. I will talk to all when I have a moment.
May the Force be with you
Excelsior!!!
So things are what they are. People are starting to head off back to school. Yet again I feel the sensation of a house with all the children leaving. At times I am really glad I don't have children because I don't think I could handle watching them go away.
Well yet again I am working extra hours. Now please don't think that I am really complaining but as I have said before it is just the random nature of it all. Well no matter what I am going to Gen Con this Thursday and Friday. Then I am back in town for a few hours the off to Terri's for a trip to the Ren Fair this Sunday. Hey again anyone that wants to go with feel free to shoot me a line and we can work something. I am coming back on Sunday evening cause I work on Monday.
That is all the time I have right now. I will talk to all when I have a moment.
May the Force be with you
Excelsior!!!
Wednesday, August 01, 2007
Matt-Man Rides Again!
Hail and well met
Well the car is fixed. It was the fan and the adjoining relay that had broken not allowing the radiator to be cooled when the car is standing still or in extreme stop and go driving (like delivering mail). Well they are both replaced and everything is working up to specs.
Unfortunately that leaves me quite out of cash. That of course sucks cause it keeps me stuck here in the house and more importantly prevents me from doing the ren fair this weekend.
But that is not really uber important. I will try and be around see everyone cause I know that we are fast approaching the return to school. Which brings me to a rather painful sticking point. My game has really fallen by the way side. I apologize to all for not being able to get out there and keep it going. I only hope we can pull off at least a couple of more sessions to try and wrap things up. I am not giving up on the game but it may have to go into the freezer.
Ok I don't have much more to say right now. I miss seeing everyone. I miss swimming. I miss hanging out. In truth it really sucks ass and I am getting really pissed off about it. But there is not one damn thing I can do right now about it which is the most painful thing about it.
I hope to see everyone soon.
May the Force be with you
Excelsior!!!
Well the car is fixed. It was the fan and the adjoining relay that had broken not allowing the radiator to be cooled when the car is standing still or in extreme stop and go driving (like delivering mail). Well they are both replaced and everything is working up to specs.
Unfortunately that leaves me quite out of cash. That of course sucks cause it keeps me stuck here in the house and more importantly prevents me from doing the ren fair this weekend.
But that is not really uber important. I will try and be around see everyone cause I know that we are fast approaching the return to school. Which brings me to a rather painful sticking point. My game has really fallen by the way side. I apologize to all for not being able to get out there and keep it going. I only hope we can pull off at least a couple of more sessions to try and wrap things up. I am not giving up on the game but it may have to go into the freezer.
Ok I don't have much more to say right now. I miss seeing everyone. I miss swimming. I miss hanging out. In truth it really sucks ass and I am getting really pissed off about it. But there is not one damn thing I can do right now about it which is the most painful thing about it.
I hope to see everyone soon.
May the Force be with you
Excelsior!!!
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