Matt-Man and the return of the Insoni-maniac

Hail and well met

Well it is yet another day that I have been unable to sleep. I wish I could finger what is going on in my head. I don't think there is anything bothering me. So why do I find that yet again it is 5 in the morning and I have yet to fall asleep?

Meh it doesn't matter. If I think to hard I will just make it worse.

Things have been going well lately. As my last post said I am moving towards a solution to my unemployment. Seeing people and doing things. Back to working out again. That is a good thing. Starting to notice the difference in my look. Well that sounds conceited. It is just that for so long I had never considered myself as anything other then a fat, ugly, unattractive...Well loser. Yeah for a long time I have seen myself as that. Now I begin to realize that image held such a hold over the way I acted. Hmmm I wonder if that is part of the problem? As I start to challenge my inner view of myself am I shaking the foundation of everything I am?

Oh there I go again. Thinking to much.

But yet there is a ring of truth. A clarion note that carries through the basis of how I interact with the rest of the world. Every decision I have made is colored by my inner view. Since I "saw" myself in that light I would make assumptions based on that view. I would anticipate others reactions and responses to what I did and said. I totally ignored certain possibilities because they were "impossible".

How could someone find me interesting or exciting?

How could anyone want to be with me?

Damn if I am not at the base of my problems. There are times that I am my worst enemy. But that is probably the truth for all of us.

The human race has spent so much time creating an outside source of all evil, while the truth is far closer to home. The devil is in all of us. He seeks to strangle the life and energy out of us all. Little jibes and jeers that only we hear, belittling us and tearing us down. As we give in we lose sight of what we might be. No what we should be. Holding others away because we don't deserve them as friends or more. Allowing others to hurt us because we "deserve" it.

Well it makes sense. I have always maintained that the Creator lives in all of us. He created us and as a creator myself I know that a part of myself is in everything I have created, thus he is in us all. That is the basis of my belief in the Force, that common thread that binds everything together.

I just never really considered that this source of evil could exist in the same fashion. Inside just waiting to lie his way into our hearts and corrupting everything we do or become. It would make sense.

Well he has lost one more of his willing followers. I know that I am not the creature that I have envisioned all these years. I am better then that. It is a funny thing but their is a quote that I had almost forgotten about.

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

Marianne Williamson
in Return to Love


That is a profound idea. It is also found in one of my favorite TV shows of all time, Babylon 5.


Delan - We are star stuff. We are the universe made manifest trying to figure itself out.

There is more to that conversation, but I cannot find it right now. My B5 discs are down in Carbondale right now. I hope they are infecting yet more people (he he he).

Well I don't know if that makes any sense to anyone but me. At least I am starting to feel sleepy.

Let's see any important announcements...

We are all going to see "V for Vendetta" this Friday. It will be either the 9:50 or 10:30 showing. Any and all are welcome to join us. I figure that we are picking up tickets either tomorrow or Friday morning. If you want one let me know, or anyone else.

Sunday is "Movie Day" so feel free to stop in and watch for a spell. Heck bring a flick and we can watch it.

That about covers it for now.

May the Force be with you

Excelsior!!!