Matt-man Bears All!

Hail and well met...

Hail...

HAIL...

Hail?

Ok come out from behind whatever it is you have jumped behind, I was talking metaphorically people. Besides this is a blog, not live and in person. I know the thought of me in all my glory is a frightening thought (right Neal?) but this is a serious post...well as serious as I can muster.

Listen I was reading a blog today and something in it struck me. Then I was working on my MySpace page and something else struck me, HARD. Those things forced me to face something from a new direction and understand what is going on in my life.

As I have stated in recent posts my sense of apathy. How I cannot seem to do anything with real passion or energy. I won't go into the whole thing cause it was long and verbose (like so much of my stuff is) besides that sums it up. Well after reading the blog I started categorizing my pictures on MySpace, I grouped the 37 inch gamers, people I knew from high school and then people from the two stores I worked at/managed. It was while gathering those pictures together I realized something.

I still had strong feeling about the loss of both of those stores, one worse then the other only because I was only assistant manger at the first one; while I ran the second one. It doesn't matter which one hurt more what mattered was that it hurt. I thought I had put these behind me and moved on. It appears that I have not or at least I have not healed from them or something. Then it struck me like a bolt of lighting, an epiphany if you will.

The problem I am having is not that I lack the energy but that I won't/can't/don't invest in anything emotionally, thus the feeling of lifelessness when I do them.

Without investing emotion into something you cannot expect to gain emotion from it, at least not anything that lasts. I know that is true because of what I gained from the time spent working at the stores. I got things out of those experiences, both good and bad but they are there and with me forever. Lately things come and go with little or no lasting impression.

The biggest proof of this is my inability to paint. I have tried on several occasions but again I just lack the energy to get anything accomplished. A few strokes of the brush and then I have to do something else or fall asleep. It is now clear that don't lose energy, there just isn't any there to pull from.

The big question is why? Why am I holding back on investing my emotions into the things that I know I love? What is blocking the flow that was so free before? This is the key and I must figure it out.

What could it be is easy. I answered it myself a second ago when I mentioned the lingering pain from past experiences...oh hell lets be honest cause I missed stating one.

Terri leaving me.

That one hurt and still does on some nights when I am laying in bed alone wishing to hear her voice next to me. Waking up to see her face, her smile and her eyes. God I miss her.

But that is not the point. The fact is I am just not investing my emotions in anything. Well that cannot be true because I do my job with energy and focus. Of course there is little in the way of a threat there as I am over my 1 year anniversary which gives me a little job security. That is not it either, it is more the fact that in all honesty aside from being broke I don't care if I lose that job or not. I don't care if they treat me like shit because I am not there to gain their approval. I don't want to make friends, I am there to work. I do the best I can and if that is not good enough then hard cheese, I don't care. I take a measure of satisfaction in my job and do it well but I take no pride in it. All I do is deliver the mail, like the rest of the quarter of million people that work for the Post Office in their various capacities. I just do my job and sometimes I make mistakes and sometimes I don't, just like anyone else.

Frak it all! I am invisible again.

I think that is what is holding me back. I am afraid of being special, of standing out. It makes me a target and I don't want to get shot again (figuratively speaking of course).

GRRRRRRR!

Well there is only one thing to do then.

STOP IT!

I don't mean going gang busters with my job, I mean with several other aspects of my life that I have let slip away because I know that if pursued there will be a big ole' target painted on my back, my front and all over me. Risk is the thing I am getting at. I am not taking any risks at all. Playing it safe. Lulling myself to sleep with thoughts that if I am patient enough it will all happen. Well that is bull straight from the bull's arse. I have to take risks if I want any of the rewards.

What is that line from "The Sound of Music"

"Nothing comes from nothing, nothing ever could."

If I venture nothing I get nothing, if I do nothing I accomplish nothing. Yeah it means that I don't get hurt, from the outside that is. All the while I am dying a little each and every day on the inside.

I have to fight and struggle and RISK everything. I know there will be pain and loss and failure but I can learn and grow from these. I owe it to myself and everyone that believes in me to do it. I owe it to God because he gave me the ability to do the things I can do.

I just have to be honest here. I don't have a damn clue how to do it.

I will find a way, I have to because I refuse to become a ghost again. I won't. I would rather die and get it over with then go back to that unlife. Since I don't plan on kicking the bucket anytime soon that only leaves me one option.

Get'er done!

I have some work to do. No I have a shit ton of work to do. I had better get started.

May the Force be with you

Excelsior!!!!