Matt-man Says Generation-Shmeneration!

Hail and well met

Welp I was watching something on the computer and a commercial came on and referred to "Generation Z" which got me thinking about the whole labeling thing we have gotten in the habit of doing.

I understand it from a historical stand point but as I look back I realize that it has gone way beyond that. In many cases it appears that people have taken it upon themselves to find out what their "Generation" was all about and tried to life up to it. They have stopped defining themselves as individuals and instead adopt or co-opt the identity of the average person from their "Generation". While they sit around or do whatever they do it is apparent that they are happy as clams in their shells to stop trying to be themselves, individuals and slip into the cookie cutter existence dolled out to them by the "know it alls" whom tell them what it means to be of their "Generation".

I really see it in my generation, that would be the "X'ers" which I didn't really know until doing a little research on the subject. God I love Wikipedia.

Maybe I just don't get it. I have always been outside the "group" so to speak and was quite happy to be there. Being an only child I learned early on to get by on my own, since needing someone else left you vulnerable and incomplete. I mean what happens when someone has life drop in their laps and you are left alone, do you just shut down or do you deal with it? Well I learned to deal with it, on my own. I didn't need to belong to a "group" because I was one, literally, a group of "one";me.

I know that it has severely screwed with my mental and social development. It is probably the main reason I didn't rush off to collage, I didn't need to get away because I had already sequestered myself from the smothering around me. I had, I hate to say this but I see it now quite clearly, convinced myself I was "above" it. I also know I was totally wrong. I had not risen above anything, I had sunken below it. I was off the radar so to speak. Locked away in my room, painting, reading, writing and all the other stuff I did to fill my days and nights while I was alone, avoiding most social interaction.

It is a wonder I didn't end up some crazy basket case sending really nasty stuff through the mail while living in a cabin made from recycled cardboard boxes or something. Luckily I didn't become that although I have no idea what I have become.

In that is the truth of something that tasks me. What have I become? What am I? What am I going to be?

Stupid questions for someone who is 38, or maybe not. I guess that they are common for anyone to ponder at any age. Of course there is the "Mid-life" crisis theory. Yet I know it definitely not that.

I am not ragging on myself. I am not beating myself up. I am just realizing that I may be 38 physically but mentally I really haven't jumped past my mid 20's at best. Don't ask about emotionally, I know I don't.

Things happen for a reason. I know that if I had gone to collage it would have ended in disaster. I mean a real disaster. Were talking about evening news across the world covering the latest details of the crazed happening on that campus where that quiet, reclusive fat kid lost his mind and did something terrible. Trust me I can be honest enough to know I was in no mental or emotional condition for the environment of a campus.

I would have crawled into a shell and locked myself away totally losing touch with humanity not to mention reality. That can only lead to bad places. Trust me I know what lurks in the hearts of men...well at least this man. It would have been scary, no scratch that it would have been totally fracking terrifying.

I digress though as I didn't do any of that. I did manage to get out there a little. I did manage to find friends, something I have a knack for (of course keeping up with them is bit of a problem with me). I have involved myself with my fellow man, a little. I go out...once in awhile. Ok so I don't go looking for companionship and maybe I should.

Crap let me just say it. I am scared of it. Scared of going out into a crowed room of people I don't know and trying to talk to any of them, let alone the women of that crowd.

I am not one for idle banter. I don't chat well. Hell I can barely talk slow enough for anyone to understand and that includes myself. I try but it never works. I end up stuttering if I do and that is something I would love to understand; why do I talk the way I do?. What wires are screwed up in my head that I feel the need to try and speak at the speed of sound. (Ha that was a joke, albeit a bad one)I really have tried to slow down, I notice when I do and I even know when someone won't understand what I am saying. I force myself to slow down and it just causes a traffic jam in my head that comes crashing out of my mouth.

It is probably the second thing I hate about myself. You should all know the first one.

Anyway I again digress from the point and have lost it. No wait that is not true I am trying to escape talking about being mortified of interaction with those I don't know. Trying to weasel out of it. But then again it is my blog and I will quit when I want to. Even if it is an escapist effort to not continue. It fact I am surprised that I haven't stopped and erased this whole thing. Maybe I am trying to work it through. Hopefully I am ready to maybe face it and get over it.

Hmm talking about labeling a generation to my fear of interaction. That is quite a stretch and a little egocentric of me isn't it, turning this post around and about me. I guess I am a little self centered but again it is MY blog, so whatever.

May the Force be with you

Excelsior!!!