Matt-Man...What, you need more?

Hail and well met

Well I sit here typing today with a bit of a conundrum on my hands. You see I found something out this afternoon that should have me devastated. Right now I normally would be stressed out and pissed off, screaming at anything and everything in the 'verse for dumping this on me. Now I will get around to telling you what happened but this has to come first cause it has me, to be honest, scared.

Most of you know me for the light hearted fat man with a penchant for holding in his emotions until he blows (either his top or a gasket...he he he inside joke for now). Not one for handling stress or anger well at all. I try not to vent at anyone cause it is never fair to hurt someone you love for something that is not even remotely their fault and even if it is I tend to turn the other cheek. With all this bottled up emotion I tend to fly off the handle at times over the stupidest things. We all know it is true. Either that or fall into stupid depression from which I have to dig myself out.

Well as I learned what I did this afternoon I expected to sense the coming storm within. I braced myself and even prepared some lines and subjects for my resulting mood. As I stood there and waited for it to come I realized it wasn't. I was shocked but figured it was only a matter of time and it had not fully sunk in. So I went home and waited for it to rise. Time passed as it always does and I find that it is not there at all. Instead I think I feel nothing at all concerning what happened and in a way that worries me more.

You see as of late I have been realizing a new trend in my life. Apathy. A total lack of emotion and desire at anything. I tried with Iron Man and it did excite me a little but as soon as it was over...POOF gone. Nothing is sustained and fades so quickly. I keep trying to work on stuff and quickly fall off into watching something on TV or this blasted computer off the internet (NO ITS NOT PORN!...well not all of it ;) But all kidding aside it worries me that the harder I try and grasp some shred of discipline the easier it slips away.

In the end it worries me that I am falling apart on the inside, fading away. No that is not the right term for it or the idea either. I cannot explain what it is but it bothers me a lot.

So what did I learn this afternoon. Well it seems that my "new" van is not so good. A seal is not working right (hence the gasket joke earlier... come on it was funny)and the cost to figure out what exactly is wrong (not fix it but determine what needs to be fixed that is) would run conservatively around a thousand dollars. Well that is a no brainer. So once again I am on the search for a mail worthy vehicle that I can afford, I haven't even finished paying off this one. You see I should be worked up over all of this and it doesn't even phase me. I don't have any idea where the vehicle could come from nor can I afford another 3 month wonder. Yet here I sit not really caring one bit about it. I plan on just pouring oil down its gullet and drive it only for work. Which should also piss me off as it totally cuts me off from everyone and everything else.

And all I can say is "meh".

I wish life came with a owners manual or at least some helpful tips that popped up when you logged on.

May the Force be with you.

Excelsior!!!