"If two is less then one then write...HEY why are you moving your pencil?!

Hail and well met!

I have survived taking the TEST. It was an interesting exercise in watching human behavior.

First of all I almost didn't make it thanks to traffic. Took me over an hour and a half to get from my house to the convention center, almost double what Mapquest said. Now don't think that I take Mapquest at its word when it give me a time, cause I don't. I left an hour and a half early figuring that if it said 45 minutes it would be closer to an hour. But I made it and that is what counts.

Finding parking was another story. There was not one single free parking area around there. Damn convention centers. Luckily I discovered a $2.00 all day parking garage across the street. It was not marked anywhere but on the entrance off a side street, sneaky bastards! But Matt-Man ferreted it out.

Now the packet said that it started at 1:00 and that anyone showing up late would not be allowed in. I ran across the street to the convention center at 12:58 by my watch (which is + or- 5 minutes to anyone else's watch) and was sweating it. Then I see the line. Yeah should have figured that the post office would be on government time, not real time.

We filed in and it got started somewhere around 1:30.

There were close to if not over 100 people there for the test. We were ushered into a large ball room with round tables in it and seated 5 to a table.

Now for anyone who can picture that it should be obvious that secrecy and privacy was impossible. If someone wanted to look at you sheet it was just a glance away. Hell I even caught myself looking to see how many questions my fellow test takers had finished on any given sections, just to compare my volume against theirs. Of course the number of answers is only important if they are correct and that is something I won't find out for 4 to 6 weeks.

All in all I feel real good about the test. I cannot go into detail about it as we were informed that it is a matter of secrecy and to do so would be illegal. Personally I don't want the Post Office Secret Police beating down my door for revealing state secrets.

I will say this. I have to wonder what our so called education system is doing. One section of the test is based on your ability to follow directions. You listen and follow the verbal directions of the test supervisor. Not to tread on that fine line of secrecy versus freedom of speech but this one is in the packet that they allowed out of the building and closely mirrors something that happened in the test.

The supervisor tells us this "If two is less then one then mark..." So you get the idea. If TWO is LESS then ONE you will write something somewhere. Obviously since TWO is NOT LESS then ONE you should ignore anything you are told to do. As I sat there I caught a glimpse of A LOT of people moving or already marking on their sheet.

WHAT!? How in Gods name could you not know a simple thing like two is not less then one?

I am not a scholar nor a college graduate but I sure can say that I know that TWO is GREATER then ONE. And from the age and conversations I over heard some of the people that were scribbling had college educations! I almost laughed and cried at the same time.

On a totally personal and selfish note I said with a slight grin "Good for you keep it up". Yeah I can be a bastard at times.

Well anyway the fun did not stop there. After we finished the test the supervisor and assistants had to collect and count the test booklets and answer sheets, for security reasons. As they were doing this several people got up and left. Now having been the product of public schooling I know that you do not get up and leave a room like this without being given permission first. Sure enough the supervisor got on and told them to sit back down until they were released. This of course was not good enough and several people went to stand by the door. Not a good idea. Again the supervisor told them that nobody was leaving until they had planted their butts back in their seats. You could see the outrage on some of their faces. Personally I just smiled and chuckled as did several of those at my table.

To make a long story short we left and that was that.

All in all I feel good about it, I know that most of the questions I answered were correct. I mean there was one part that really stumped me at first but I used the ole' knoggin and figured out a way to beat the system.

The test was Scan-tron, the best and most technologically advanced way to take a test...IN the 70's! My high school was still using this in the 80's and that is 20 years ago. Now I know that it is a rather efficient way to give a test in terms of "low-tech". All you need is a scantron sheet and a number 2 pencil. Then you shoot it through the machine and wa la you have a scored test. It just seems that in this day and age they would have something more "leading edge" or at least something from the 90's. Ah well I digress.

The section that gave me the willies was memorization. I have a mind like a bucket made of Swiss cheese, well at least short term. I have some good retention long term but still not top of the class...Ok I would be the D student in the class but not for lack of effort so I would get the pity C. There were numbers and names in boxes and you had to be able to put those boxes down as you saw the names and numbers in a list. I was almost ready to throw up and pass out to avoid this part when it came to me.

Now knowing that from their instructions that they did not expect us to answer all the questions on any part of the test I knew that unanswered questions did not count against your score. With this in mind and the fact that wrong answers counted against you I knew that if I could answer only a few questions with a 100% rate of correct answers I would be ahead of someone who answered more with a lower percentage.

So I set to memorizing the names, since I knew that the numbers were right out. When the moment for the test to begin that section I just answered those questions concerning the names. I am absolutely sure that I was 99 if not 100% correct on all of them. WOOT!

Okay that is enough for now. I have stuff that I have to do and people to see.

Hope to see some of you soon, and anyone else I hope to talk or type at you instead.

May the Force be with you

Excelsior!!!

Matt-Man is put to the Test

Hail and well met!

Well I will be leaving in just a scant few minutes to go and take the TEST.

I am sorry to have not posted but to say I am nervous is...Well understatement is to casual a word.

I am fine; which stands for...

Freaked out
Insecure
Neurotic and
Emotional

A little homage to "The Italian Job" which I watched recently.

I will be pressed for time today so I won't be able to post until either very late or tomorrow. Thanks in advance for all the support I will receive from all of you on this endeavor.

Hope all is well on your fronts. Health and all is well and so on.

Yeesh I am having trouble typing. OH cannot forget my No. 2 pencils.

May the Force be with you (and me heh)

Excelsior!!!

For the love of God and your own health ...Stop the Damned Hammering!

Hail and well met

Yeesh people! Can a man take a couple of days...OK weeks, to straighten out his head? I mean things tend to go funny every now and then around here and this was no exception.

In the end I have to say that I rode it out with a better handle on the situation (Yeah I am waiting for the other shoe to drop on that one). I have come to the realization that I am a movie line philosopher.

My latest glints of cosmic glamour come from one new movie and one old movie.

Age before beauty...(first time I have not had to hit some one over that line)

City Slickers (1991)

Jack Palance as Curly Washburn says "Do you know what the secret
of life is? One thing. Just one thing. You stick to that, and
everything else don't mean s***."

Yup the big pain in the ass is finding out what that one damn thing is. Still looking. Hope to be finding it soon, before I go stark raving stupid.

The second of my movie revelations is from a newer film and most everyone should know of it. I just put it here cause until this situation I had never really sat down forced myself to answer the question.

Johnny Depp as Captain Jack Sparrow says "The only rules that really matter are
these: what a man can do and what a man can't do."

Have had a load of fun *sarcasm dripping* with that little endeavor. But I am better for it, or so I would like to think.

The situation is...Well to say resolved is not quite right, to say it is unresolved is not quite right. All in all it is done and what I can't do is change what happened, either what I did or otherwise. As well I can't change anyone else, not within my power. I may want people to have changed but that is only what I can wish for.

What I can do is to accept what happened and move on. I can accept who people really are and move on. I can trust people to be true to their natures and with that in mind move on.

Unlike the turtle that drowned in the river cause he forgot the nature of the scorpion, I am never going to expect anyone to be anything but what they are. Of course figuring out who they are is the real conundrum.

Well that is all I have time for. I have noticed some interesting comments on my blogs of late. It is funny that people have decided to stop on by and read me. I kind of like it.

Oh Chris that Latin dude is my friend Joe from Southern. Yeah he doesn't blog and knows that I will know who it is by the info in his comment.

Emmy thanks for stopping by. Hope you find what you were looking for. I always dream big (only if real life would live up to them).

Ok well that is about all that there is for today. I have my test on Wednesday, and Monday I will have an update about something that started Friday, but will not bear fruit until Monday.

OH yeah seeing Slither tomorrow. Should be good and "B-movie"-lishious!

May the Force be with you

Excelsior!!!

The Conspiracy of Fear part 2

I spoke of the end result of this Governing by Fear. I mentioned those that have become numb to everything. These people are all around us everyday. We talk to them, we walk with them and we never know that deep inside they are hollow. No hope, no love and most dangerous, no real fear.

They don't care if they live or die. They turn to the bases of powers in an attempt to find a form of happiness, violence.

It is one of the primal forces in life. And nature shows that the simplest things are the strongest.

It is only a matter of time before they start to rise in number. They will grow and left to their own devices will eventually turn against society in general. Oh it sounds fantastic now, but give it 10 or 20 years and then tell me it is so fantastic.

You see that is the basis of our problems. We procrastinate with everything. We think "Why trouble ourselves with that now, it is no big deal? We can take care of it in a few years?" Which actually means that someone else can do it then.

It is a variation on a common phrase but I hold it as a axiom of life.

"The responsibility of freedom is eternal vigilance"

Yes the usual version uses "price" in the place of "responsibility". I am being picky again. A price is paid once and then you are done. A "responsibility" is something that must be lived up to every day of your life. The difference is quite striking and it speaks volumes to our mind set.

That is why I am so damn picky. Words are way we express ideas, the wrong word leads to different ideas then you intended. The laser that is off only a micrometer at the start is miles off the mark at the target.

We need to start combating this fear-mongering NOW. We have to start finding ways to tearing down the lies and deceptions that are being draped over our lives. We need to break down this ideal that says that we need to design things to break so we can keep selling them to the same people year after year. We need to realize that in part the ancient Greeks had a grasp of the truth.

True happiness is the exercise of vital powers along lines of excellence in a life affording them scope.

We have tossed any ideas of excellence out the window. Scope? In this life scope is measured by dollars, not accomplishments.

Oh and don't get me started on money.

HELLO PEOPLE ever since we dropped the gold standard that stuff is nothing but PAPER.
It means not one damn thing. It is a concept, an idea, a variable. There is nothing to back it up or determine its value except those that control it. That is why things keep costing more, not because they are worth more, because the dollar is worth less!

But that is a rant for a different day.

We need to get off the damned couch and back into the driver seat of this country and society. We need to reclaim the birthright that our forefathers secured for us with their blood.

Only when we do can we get this country, and more importantly our lives back on track.

A GOVERNMENT OF THE PEOPLE, FOR THE PEOPLE AND BY THE PEOPLE!

It was in a movie, and as such I have already heard people discount it, but it makes it no less true and paramount to my ideas here.

"People should not FEAR their government, government should fear its people"

I am spent. I know that others have probably said the same things I say here and done it better. I don't care! I am speaking what is in my head and heart, the fact that someone else says it more eloquently only proves that TRUTH IS TRUTH.

And as it is written

"The TRUTH shall set you free"

May the Force be with you

Excelsior!!!

Matt-Man Vs The Conspiracy of Fear

Hail and well met

It has been a long time in coming but I have decided to post about something that I have seen in the world around me. At first I thought I was being paranoid, seeing conections where there were only coincidences. But after a long time I have come to the conclusion that there are no such things as coincidences in any form and thus what I have seen is what it is.

In ages past governments, both real and shadow, have ruled by the force of arms. The threat was maintained by a tangible armed contingent of men that were sworn to follow the leading body to the death. Of course the structure of this leading body comes in varied forms and leads us to call it by different names. Fascist, democratic, theocratic and so forth but the truth of the matter is that without the threat of reprisal for disobeying said leadership there would be no reason to follow their lead.

Recent events have led me to realize that our leaders have stumbled upon a new and what they think better way to control the populace en mass. No longer do they require a super strong force of arms to keep the people in line, all they need is for those people to be afraid. Afraid of anything what so ever as long as the leadership is viewed as the answer. Just the leadership, nothing else can solve the problem otherwise the people might turn away from them. And God forbid that they realize that in many cases the solution is within themselves.

Everyday we here about a new "crisis" or "catastrophe" that we are endangered by and then we hear about the solution that only they can provide. For sickness and health we turn to the medical community for the solution, no matter the cost or side effects. Trouble in society then we turn to the federal or state government to fix it and bend over when they propose a new tax or invasive constriction of civil liberties.

As far as what the problem is we never really take a look cause they are there to give us the demon that we must burn. Of course the truth is never used cause that would lead to a solution and that might force the leadership to deal with new problems with the populace expecting results, real results. No they keep feeding up the watered down pabulum of studies, polls and statistics that tell us that things are getting better all the while they help the problem along so that it is around for the next election. Better to keep the problem around that you know then the 10 that you don't. But when those 10 do show up they will be johnny on the spot to add them to the list of things that you should be afraid of, along with their patented and sale priced solution.

The media pours out story after story filled with "sensational" rhetoric to keep the community at large on pins and needles. Freely tossing out statements and reports that are unfounded or down right lies to help maintain the state of fear that keeps the leadership in power, and thus keeps them useful to said leadership. Words are used over and over to brainwash the viewer into feeling the victim of these societal woes, with the emphasis on the fact that the common man is helpless against them. No only the almighty leadership and their cronies can provide the solution, for a price of course.

So to find happiness, security, health and love one must keep spending and spending. This helps maintain a viable low level workforce that thinks it is doing well, cause look at what they have. You know that they are happy, just look at all the techno crap they have sitting around their house. The list of medications they are one proves they are healthy. They are smart because they know these phrases and can parrot back what they were told at university, the same crap that is being troweled out by the media in all its forms. And for all this they spend more the 3/4 of their awake time working at some farce of a job with only enough time left to run to the doctor and the tech store and get food.

If anyone steps out of line, no longer do you have to rely on strong arm tactics. No you just drag them into court and sue them. You see to it that they are investigated by the IRS. Oh and of course you make sure to find pornography on their home computer (planted of course). If all else fails then make sure to take something that they have said out of context and make it sound racial or hateful to a small segment of the community. Oh how can one fight words and ideas like that, even a lie is believed if it is shouted loud and long enough.

And why is this become the way of things? How is this allowed to happen? Convenience!

It is to much trouble for us to really work at keeping the government in line, a goverment that is supposed to be "of the people, for the people and by the people". There is no profit in it. No real money to be made keeping the government in line. They make life easier by taking all these annoying decisions and responsibilities off our shoulders. They fed us a line and like stupid fish we took it hook line and sinker. The problem is that the bait of "ease of living" came with the hook of "loss of freedom".

So here we are. Living the high life. Working our asses off so that we can pay taxes for projects that we will never see any benefit from. Providing services so that we can run out and get the next hottest tech gizmo, only to have some study prove that it causes a new kind of disorder that we need to spend billions on to study for a cure that may help the problem but also causes side effects that you will need a dozen other meds to fix, all with their own side effects. Afraid of talking to your next door neighbor cause he could be a terrorist or sex offender or sicko Christian extremist. Running around trying to balance everything that you are being told makes you a normal rational and safe citizen, cause stray from the norm and you are bound to be the cause of some terrible problem.

All of this is around us everyday. We have become the proverbial frog in the slow heating pot. The water is now boiling but we don't see it because they have taken years to bring it to this point. For all this terrible truth there is one further truth that truly scares me. The end effect of this madding pursuit of control through fear. The children of this society are becoming something that we really need to fear. They are becoming numb. I will talk about this next time. After that I may try and put some hope into what I write so that we all don't think it is hopeless, cause it is not. There is a light in the darkness and a path out of this foolish pursuit of control with fear.

So I leave you with my favorite blessing.

"May God stand between you and harm in all the empty places you must walk"

Well I see a lot of those these days.

May the Force be with you

Excelsior!!!

Matt-Man shares a secret

Hail and well met

Well as the title says I am about to share a secret that I have kept from people for a long time. I may have eluded to it at times but never came out and told people.

NO I am not gay. Okay get that out of your head.

The secret is that my teeth are rotting out of my head. Many of them are incomplete and as of right now three of them are broken right down to the gum. My front teeth have cracked at the ends where they meet so I have a gap. It is a terrible sight, or at least I think so whenever I look in the mirror and smile.

Now I could try and come up with some bullshit to explain this as not my fault but the truth is that I just didn't take care of them. The real secret is that I did it on purpose. I let them go to hell and wanted the pain that went with it. Oh yes it is as sick and twisted as it sounds and not I don't get off from the pain. It was a way to hurt myself that no one would see or know about. A way to damage me. Well that was what started it at least. Unfortunately by the time I was over that mentality the damage was done.

The real kicker is that now that I don't want to hurt myself I am still gonna have deal with it for the rest of my life. I may as some point have the money to fix it all, but in reality that could be years farther down the road. After looking into it I calculate that I am looking at well over 5000 dollars in dental work needed to fix my mouth and this is just what is blatantly wrong now, not what will probably happen in the future.

In my research I also investigated dentures. Yeah I know I am only 36, but with this much mess I see no reason to waste any time and money on band aids over a sucking chest wound. The damage done is irreversible. The teeth will never reform. The cracks and decay will not fill back in.

In the end one by one they will all fall apart and leave me with a mess. No I figure that when I have the cash I am just going to have them all ripped out and replace them. Again that is when I have the cash. So in the meantime I just sit here, mouth closed trying not to think about it or notice the swelling and throbbing.

I just feel so...No I won't say it.

I just felt like baring part of me that has been kept secret and silent for a long time. I wanted to open the door and force it into the light.

Hell I don't know why I am typing this. Just needed to let it go I guess. Ah what does it matter. So please don't comment. Just let it stand. It is what it is.

May the Force be with you

Excelsior!!!

Wait..What? Matt-man BOUNCES?

Hail and very well met

Things are what they are.

I am alive. I am awake and I am MATT-MAN!

First and foremost.

Mr./Mrs. Anonymous I wish to say THANK YOU!

Jess I have to say that you are amazing for being so young. I promise to go big (well as far as living goes but I am going small in the body department).

Ben if anyone could have spoken to me and had it hit home more then an anonymous person, it was you. Thanks.

Today I did a good thing. A good friend of mine, Kirby, works for the Chicago Bulls Organization. He sells charity raffle tickets during the games. Well on a lark he decided to join something called "The Matadors". They are a all male cheerleading squad of sorts. The major requirement is that each and everyone of them must be "large". Now I am a rather large man (somewhat smaller now then a year or so ago) and it does my heart good to see men of equal stature out there on a basketball court strutting their stuff. He loves it and it has brought a smile to his face as of late. Which is good to see.

But I digress. He receives tickets for all home games for friends or relatives to come and see then perform. The two people that he has wanted to come the most have been unable to for several reasons. First they don't drive, mostly due to age and health. Second needing a ride requires a three tickets and as of late he has only been afforded two. Thirdly he cannot take them because on a day of his performance he must arrive several hours earlier for practice and they would not be allowed in the facility. There are more but you get the idea.

Well for today's game he received three tickets. Over a week ago he asked me to do him a favor and escort them to the game so they could see him on the court being a dancing fool. At that time I was sick as a dog (although I don't know of any dog that sick, and why a dog? Always wondered) and told him that I didn't know if I could do it.

Well the sickness passed and today I took his Mom and Grandfather to see the Bulls game to catch Kirby doing his thing. I had fun, in spite of the fact that basketball does nothing for me. No I am not saying that it is not a sport, it most definitely is. It just does not capture my attention. But it was fun none the less. Kirby thanked me several times, but that was not needed. Seeing his Mom smile and laugh as he bounced around doing a Irish step dance was half the reward, seeing his Grandfathers face was the other. I only hope I have half his gumption at his age. I would go into detail but that is a subject that could fill a whole post on its own.

On the way home I was mulling over the feeling I had been carrying around in my heart and head since the previous day. I was trying to put it away, but it just wouldn't go. I shelved it for the night and after getting them home safely I went and roleplayed at GO with Val, Chris, Jess, Conehead, Irving, Uncle Steve (for clarification his is a teenager), Ben, Dave and Austin.

The session was good. Again to many details to go into. Let me just say that it went as usual. Yeah we witnessed the released of a great and terrible evil into the world. Yup they are going to blame us, hunt us down and then burn us or scourge us or throw us in a pit. Maybe all of the above in a different order. So you know what I mean.

Well then I came home and looked at my blog. Saw the comments and as I went to view them I stopped and reread the post previous to that one. I just sat there and just kept reading it over and over.

How could I have been so blind? DAMN YOU DREAD CAPTAIN OBLIVIOUS!

Yeah right there in front of my face and from my own fingers was the answer, well part of it at least. That damn little voice had just jumped onto what was said and had a field day with it. A coincidence? I am not so sure. It doesn't matter cause that started lifting my spirits, then I read all of your comments, which carried me the rest of the way up and out of the pit. I just had to laugh. At myself, at that little voice and at a stupid movie on newgrounds.com. A fun place to visit.

Well I am smiling now. Thanks to all of you. Those that know me and those that just stopped by. Thanks for giving me the cup of cold water. (Yeah if you don't get it...Don't worry it is good)

Well I am off to sleep,perchance to dream.

Tomorrow is Dun Dun Da Da

Movie day at the loft!!!!!!

Monday is the beginning of the next part of my life that I haven't lived yet!

May the Force be with you

Excelsior!!!

Matt-Man gets KICKED in the Nads

Hail and well met

Well I was just gonna post about how I went to see "V for Vendetta". How it was a great movie and I had a great time with good friends/extended family. All of which is true but I was going to omit something.

I feel like crap.

No I am not sick. I am just down. Down and out.

You see someone said something to me and it has all but shattered any idea of my worth. I don't mean the insubstantial worth that my friends see in me. I mean the documented worth that stupid pieces of paper give you in the "real" world.

A friend had offered to do up my resume. I have never done one because I was pretty sure that there was nothing of note to put in it. But given the recent turn of events in my emotional life I thought I was wrong. Well after spilling what I had for past work experience and such to her she went to work. After several hours she had to give up. As she put it "There was just nothing there, it looked horrible".

Yup as far as the "real" world is concerned I am a useless git. A tit on a boar hog. A fifth wheel on the car of life.

Not the most uplifting thing to hear. Did wonders for my self esteem. Oh yes I had some before that. Now I am just a bug waiting for the windshield of life to speed by.

SPLAT!

Well there goes Matt. Turn the wipers on.

Oh I know that all of you are going to say things. Thank you in advance but the sad fact is that you are not the ones who could hire me. You are my friends and thank God that you don't require valid certifications for that.

Gonna go to bed now. Hope to catch some sleep. I would wish for more but I have to do Kirby a favor tomorrow so I have to postpone that. Later definitely though.

Had fun at the film. Laughed afterward at Steak and Shake. I decided to enjoy the moment, cause the future just got a little darker. Meh at least I can still go to work at the Post Office, if I can manage to get a good score on the test.

Yeah hope springs eternal. (that was sarcasm)

May the Force be with you

Excelsior!!!

(written more out of habit then meaning)

Matt-Man and the return of the Insoni-maniac

Hail and well met

Well it is yet another day that I have been unable to sleep. I wish I could finger what is going on in my head. I don't think there is anything bothering me. So why do I find that yet again it is 5 in the morning and I have yet to fall asleep?

Meh it doesn't matter. If I think to hard I will just make it worse.

Things have been going well lately. As my last post said I am moving towards a solution to my unemployment. Seeing people and doing things. Back to working out again. That is a good thing. Starting to notice the difference in my look. Well that sounds conceited. It is just that for so long I had never considered myself as anything other then a fat, ugly, unattractive...Well loser. Yeah for a long time I have seen myself as that. Now I begin to realize that image held such a hold over the way I acted. Hmmm I wonder if that is part of the problem? As I start to challenge my inner view of myself am I shaking the foundation of everything I am?

Oh there I go again. Thinking to much.

But yet there is a ring of truth. A clarion note that carries through the basis of how I interact with the rest of the world. Every decision I have made is colored by my inner view. Since I "saw" myself in that light I would make assumptions based on that view. I would anticipate others reactions and responses to what I did and said. I totally ignored certain possibilities because they were "impossible".

How could someone find me interesting or exciting?

How could anyone want to be with me?

Damn if I am not at the base of my problems. There are times that I am my worst enemy. But that is probably the truth for all of us.

The human race has spent so much time creating an outside source of all evil, while the truth is far closer to home. The devil is in all of us. He seeks to strangle the life and energy out of us all. Little jibes and jeers that only we hear, belittling us and tearing us down. As we give in we lose sight of what we might be. No what we should be. Holding others away because we don't deserve them as friends or more. Allowing others to hurt us because we "deserve" it.

Well it makes sense. I have always maintained that the Creator lives in all of us. He created us and as a creator myself I know that a part of myself is in everything I have created, thus he is in us all. That is the basis of my belief in the Force, that common thread that binds everything together.

I just never really considered that this source of evil could exist in the same fashion. Inside just waiting to lie his way into our hearts and corrupting everything we do or become. It would make sense.

Well he has lost one more of his willing followers. I know that I am not the creature that I have envisioned all these years. I am better then that. It is a funny thing but their is a quote that I had almost forgotten about.

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

Marianne Williamson
in Return to Love


That is a profound idea. It is also found in one of my favorite TV shows of all time, Babylon 5.


Delan - We are star stuff. We are the universe made manifest trying to figure itself out.

There is more to that conversation, but I cannot find it right now. My B5 discs are down in Carbondale right now. I hope they are infecting yet more people (he he he).

Well I don't know if that makes any sense to anyone but me. At least I am starting to feel sleepy.

Let's see any important announcements...

We are all going to see "V for Vendetta" this Friday. It will be either the 9:50 or 10:30 showing. Any and all are welcome to join us. I figure that we are picking up tickets either tomorrow or Friday morning. If you want one let me know, or anyone else.

Sunday is "Movie Day" so feel free to stop in and watch for a spell. Heck bring a flick and we can watch it.

That about covers it for now.

May the Force be with you

Excelsior!!!

Matt-man get the mail

Hail and well met

First and foremost I must take this moment to send a big hug to a good friend who is feeling under the weather (and I ain' t talking about being sick)

Hey Nicky!

-HUGE HUG-

Hang in there Ace. I can kind of figure what it is all about, but don't know for sure. I will call you tomorrow and we can talk.

Ok now on to the rest of the post.

Well as some of you may know I have been working on getting a job at the post office for the past, oh let me see, SIX months. Now it is not as easy as it sounds, first I have to take a test to prove to the government that I am smart enough to work for them (or dumb enough depending on your point of view). Then the test must be graded and once I have the scores I can apply at any post office that is in need of a part time worker. Whew that was a lot.

So my first attempt to get into the test was back in like late November or early December. Then again I sent something in January. Finally I got fed up and spoke to a associate of my who works as a post master in a local town, he gave me a number and I followed his instructions to the letter (HA get it? Post Office job and following the instructions to the "letter"....Yeah ok so I am lame. READ A BOOK!)

So anyway that was back in early February. Well today I got something in the mail from the post office and opened it expecting it to be for the last entry. Well it was not. It is from the first entry back in Nov/Dec of last year. That is not a real big problem as it is the test and it doesn't matter where I take it as long as I take it.

So on April 5th at 1:00 I am to report to the Genesis Convention Center in Gary Indiana for the test. So anyone that is familiar with the area knows that Gary is not the nicest place to be going to take anything short of anti-terrorist combat test, with live ammo.

Ha ha ha I am kind of joking. It ain't that bad.

So the next thing that hit me was that not only is the test almost a month away, but according to the information once taken it will be close to three weeks for the results to come back. That is like a month before I can start looking in earnest for a job with the Post Office! Damn I am glad that my life doesn't depend on getting work like in the next couple of weeks or something....DAMN it does.

Yeah so I am going to see about getting a job at Pet Land in the meantime. OH that is a funny story.

So I was speaking to Melissa (the one that worked for me at Game-Opolis) about getting work there. She mentioned that I needed a resume, cause it would look better if I did. Well the only resume that I have ever had to make was back in Jr High...Yeah like I remember anything from that long ago that I have not used. So I went online to check on how to make a resume, HA that was a laugh. I have come to realize that the internet, supposedly the information super highway, is actually better called the information super highway robbery. Everywhere I looked was more then willing to help me with making a resume, if I wanted to drop between 30 and 150 dollars for their service! Man I need to find something that everyone might need and put it on the internet for an insane amount, cause for the sake of convenience people will fork out the cash. LAZY BASTARDS! So getting back to the story I spoke to Melissa again and told her about the fun I was having with the resume. She told me to send her the stuff and she would do it. COOL! I was extacic that she would do that for me. Well it is done, and here is the thing that is worth a good laugh.

She goes to send it to me and the file is corrupted! HA HA HA HA HA HA now that is comedy!

So she is going to print it out at her house cause the shop has not ink...HA laugh my ass off! Could this get any more funny!

Man I tell you I don't know what gave me this awesome attitude but I am so grateful for it. I mean a year ago I would have been all "DEATH AND DESPAIR". Now I just laugh and smile.

Thanks to all of you for putting up with me until I could work through that dark times.

So all is going to be okay in time. I have real good friends and for that I am thankful. I have my health and everything else will be dealt with one day at a time.

May the Force be with you

Excelsior!!!

Matt-Man and a Moment of Perfect Beauty

Hail and well met

I was originally going to post about this but when I got home I received some good news. My good friend Paul's wife (I don't know how to spell her name correctly or I would state it) gave birth last night to their son, Colin. I have only sketchy information other then that both mother and baby are fine with no complications.

CONGRADULATIONS PAUL AND MORINE! (I remembered how)

Well on to what I originally was going to post.

The street lights glimmered off the freshly fallen rain
The light so clear and crisp my eyes squinted in pain
I could hear my breath in the humid air
Could see it too, although I did not care
In a moment all was peaceful and serene
The muffed silence added to the sense that this moment was pristine.
In days past only sorrow would I have found
Fear and despair would drag my heart down
For in this moment the simple truth was shown
There was no doubting, I was alone
Just a moment of perfect beauty for me
When the world was as we all hope it to be
I don't worry that no one else was there
It would have been a crime to miss that moment to despair
We have so few of them in this life
That when they come we must not lose then to inner strife
So I share it here with all of you
If you haven't had one yet then pay attention, cause you are due.
~Fin~

Yup that was what came to me as I drove home this evening/morning from the loft.
Nope not feeling the least bit depressed...Well maybe just a little. But don't we all?

Had a blast tonight. Plan on having a blast tomorrow.

Reminder that tomorrow is Movie day at the loft so come on down and have a good time.

May the Force be with you

Excelsior!!!

Captain Oblivious Strikes!

Hail and well met

Well for those of you who don't know I have a nemesis. His name is Captain Oblivious and he is the master of making things slip right past me unnoticed. Today is a perfect example of one such situation.

I awoke in extreme back pain due to the stress of my illness. Not a big problem, I am growing accustom to the pain. As there was no way that I was going back to sleep given that I had slept almost 7 hours and the pain I was in, I decided to jump on the internet. To my surprise I had received an email from a close associate and friend. He had bumped into my blog while surfing and was writing me to tell me that. He asked me to add his blog to my list of blogs that I look at as he had added mine.

Now this is where I had to scream at the Dread Captain Oblivious. I have been in contact with Ben Rogers for close to a year now and have even visited his house for a weekend. We are working on some things involving the gaming industry and I have high hopes for the outcome of these endeavors. Yet as I read the email I realized that I had never mentioned my blog to him. I know of his blog and have been checking it from time to time, but never once did it dawn on my thick, sloped forehead to tell him of my blog.

For those of you who have been with me for some time do not worry. This is not going to spiral into one of those old self destructive rants against myself. I am not depressed or despairing over this, just pissed that Captain Oblivious had gotten away with this for so long. Well it has been rectified and I am happy to give a shout out to Ben.

I am sorry for not telling you sooner. It just never dawned on me to do so. I am glad that you found it, although I would love to know what path brought you to find it. I always find those stories interesting as they are usually an interesting tale.

Well I am getting better (or at least that is what I keep saying against all facts) and hope to be back on my feet soon.

For all those that are in the area we are doing another Sunday Movie Day at the loft to start whenever a majority shows up and lasting until we all go home. We have a library of films that we have brought, but feel free to bring one or two of your own to add. Just be ready to either leave them or bring them back next time (hopefully this becomes a weekly thing).

To Ben I bid a Laurel and Hardy WELCOME! (points to anyone that can tell me what movie that refers to)

May the Force be with you

Excelsior!!!

Matt-Man meets the Quiz

Hail and well met

Well sitting here eating mashed potatoes and cottage cheese. Hoping to upgrade to something that comes from a dead animal soon, possibly chicken. If there is one part of the human body that I just hate having trouble with it is the digestive track. No I am not going to sit here and begin to talk about it in detail, just saying.

While tottering around I found this on a friends blog and decided to give it a whirl.

You scored as Galactica (Battlestar: Galactica). You are leery of your surroundings, and with good reason. Anyone could be a cylon. But you have close friends and you know they would never hurt you. Now if only the damn XO would stop drinking. Deep Space Nine (Star Trek) 88% Galactica (Battlestar: Galactica) 88% Moya (Farscape) 88% Nebuchadnezzar (The Matrix) 75% Babylon 5 (Babylon 5) 75% SG-1 (Stargate) 69% Bebop (Cowboy Bebop) 69% Serenity (Firefly) 69% FBI's X-Files Division (The X-Files) 69% Andromeda Ascendant (Andromeda) 63% Millennium Falcon (Star Wars) 56% Enterprise D (Star Trek) 44% Your Ultimate Sci-Fi Profile II: which sci-fi crew would you best fit in? (pics) created with QuizFarm.com

Found the quiz kind of interesting, some of the questions are a little predictable as to what they would lead to as far as shows go. All in all a fun little quiz.

Well I am getting ready to head over and pick up Ben from work. I hope he does not feel that he is imposing on me at all, I have been in his shoes more then once and it sucked. I would be remiss as a friend if I did not help. Not to mention that I would be offending my friends that helped me out during similar situations.

After that I am planning on staying at the store for a little while for Warmachine. I may not play but I will be there.

Well that is all I can think to say right now.

May the Force be with you

Excelsior!!!

Matt-man gets Down With the Sickness

Hail and well met

Well not so well met. I am sick, and I don't mean in the funny cool way. Started last night and has continued through the night into today. Not much else to say. Just trying to keep spirits up and food down....Sorry too much information.

Well I will try and post later as I feel better.

May the Force be with you

Excelsior!!!

ATTENTION WORLD!!!!!!!!!!!

NICKY!!!!!!!!!!

Matt-Man Un-masked!!

Well there is the Matt Symbol. And what a labor of love it was. Took me several hours in Paint to complete it.

Hail and well met one and all

I am here today in the flesh and without any cowl. Yes Matt-man is going all natural. Now I could joke that it was the Arby's new sandwich like the advertisements but that is far from the truth. Besides most of you know me, it was no sandwich that brought this on. Nope it was the usual....A song.

I was on My Space the other day and as always when the login screen comes up there is a band or musician that is showcased. The other day I looked and saw a picture of a beautiful young lady. Her name is KT Tunstall and her little bio mentioned that she had a Scots voice. Well being a Scots myself I decided to see what there was to see. To make a long story short after seeing the little video spot on her My Space and noticing that she had a album out I went and bought it. I love the music.

If you want to hear it and you are going to see me just ask and I will play it. If not then give her My Space a look. I cannot say that I have a single song that is my favorite, I like them all. But there is this one song that hit me rather hard (in a good way). It is called Another Place to Fall.
Here are the lyrics....



Are you blind
Blind to me trying to be kind
Volunteering for your firing line
Waiting for one precious sign
The flicker of a smile
You should try it just once in a while
Maybe it's not quite your style
It's simply too easy to do
And you might not see it through
See it through

Ooh, so
Find yourself another place to fall
Find yourself up against another brick wall
See yourself as a fallen angel
Well I don't see no holes in the road but you
Find another place to fall

Are you proud
To have founded a brand new behavior
With hatred and hurt as your savior
But nobody's choosing to follow
So you choke back the tears and you swallow
Men who have ruined your life
You consume them with minimum strife
But now you have got indigestion
The antacid comes as a question

Ooh, so
Find yourself another place to fall
Find yourself up against another brick wall
See yourself as a fallen angel
Well I don't see no holes in the road but you
Find another place to fall

There isn't much more I can say
For I don't understand the delay
You're asking for friendly advice
And remaining in permanent crisis
Affection is yours if you ask
But first you must take off your mask
When you're back's turned I've decided I'll throw it away just like I did

Ooh, so
Find yourself another place to fall
Find yourself up against another brick wall
See yourself as a fallen angel
Well I don't see no holes in the road but you
Find another place to fall
Well I don't see no holes in the road but you
Find another place to fall
Well I don't see no holes in the road but you
Find another place to fall

Yup this song hit me like a Mac truck. There is one line that kind of just made me think. I know that the title kind of gives it away, but I will not keep you in suspense.

Affection is yours if you ask
But first you must take off your mask
When you're back's turned I've decided I'll throw it away just like I did

Yup there it is. I just sat stunned. I mean this whole Matt-man thing has been a real development for me and has led me to make some strong moves. For a split second I was going on a internal rant, and for me that is an eternity. It was the usual kind of shit and then the whole song just sat on my chest. I realized I was finding another place to fall. So I stopped my internal rant, took a step back (Thanks Mikey!) and looked long at the situation. I am Matt-man, it is a fact. I have never felt so alive (well not since knowing someone exists in this world) as I have lately. But this was even more amazing cause it was in conjunction with another realization and it all fit together.

Recently I acquired a really cheap digital camera. I have taken some pictures of me and I began to see that I did not smile hardly at all in any of them unless I was thinking it. Now I went on about this in the blog on My Space so I won't reiterate it here. It all ties together though as I thought of that line.

My face has been a mask. I may be Matt-man but I have been wearing the mask of simple ole Matt. The fat ugly stupid unmotivated shmuck that used to live here. They guy that has been trying to be the center of the universe and the son of God on a cross. Well he is gone. I cannot promise that I won't slip the mask on now and again in some form or another, but I won't let him overshadow me again. I plan on smiling every damn day, cause there are way to damn many reasons not to.

I will be looking for many things. No more waiting for the universe to dump them on me. Like a kid in left field I plan on getting under the ball and catching it before it hits me on the head. Oh yeah I just made a sports reference, that should tell you something. See I have always said that I hated Sports analogies, well still do in most cases cause they never put them into context.

So if you don't see me smiling, HIT ME UP SIDE THE HEAD. Well ask me first just in case I am that way for a reason, then hit me. Yup you got to love a friend who gives you permission to bash him in the head. HA like any of you had to be given permission....Oh wait I am as big as an ogre so you think you do.

HA I love being a gentle giant. No one ever believes that I have never hit a single person in my life. Nope, been hit several times but never hit back. Never wanted to. It just never something that I wanted to do. Oh I have hit things, cause all that comes of it is that they break or I break. In either case no harm, well ok to me but I will heal and the things can be fixed or replaced. The real reason for the lack of the "Fighting Spirit", well to be honest there is a situation in my past that showed me the true dark side of violence. For the sake of all involved I will not name names or places but suffice it to say that I know the true end result of all violence. It is never good.

Oh I have stood up for friends before. No it never came to blows, but again when a mountain gets up and bellows "Just back the fuck up" people tend to listen. HA just thought of another one

"When Tutwiler talks people listen" (inside joke)

So don't really know where that came from, but I am glad it is out there. Yup I am smiling right now, cause I am alive. I have more friends then I know what to do with. I am on a path (I have no idea where it will lead but that is half the fun). I am not broke, but close. Even if I was I have the wonder of the internet to keep me busy. There is a cool movie coming out this weekend "untraviolet" looks like a great popcorn movie. Oh and speaking of movies this and most Sundays from now on will be movie day at the loft, so bring a couple of films that you think we all need to see and we will go from there.

Yup the list goes on and on. The real great thing is that I am not the only one with this list. People listen to me! Hearken to my words! Take a good long look and realize that for all the troubles in your lives (trust me I know that they are there, I know mine and they are many) you have just as many Joys going on as well, in fact most of the time more. And the real cool thing is that they are usually constant while the troubles are just passing through.

Boy I feel better then I have in a long time. Kind of funny how much weight a stupid mask can have. Even more funny is when the mask is covering up the super hero not the other way around....Hey reminds me of that speech in Kill Bill Vol.2. You know the Superman speech. Oh come on it was amazing! Yeah I know I latch onto some stupid things to remember. It is towards the end of the film when the Bride reaches Bill. He is standing at the bar and shoots her with a dart and enters into this speech about Super heroes. His take is that every other super hero out there is a normal person that has to put on a costume to be the hero, they must rise above their situation to be special. Superman on the other hand has to take on the persona of Clark Kent to be normal, while all the time Superman, his true self is held back. He must lower himself to be among the rest of us. Yes that analogy really hits home. We are all super inside and we have to learn to tear the shirt off and reveal the real inner self.

Oh well enough for tonight. I am tired and as I intend to get up by 9 no matter when I get to bed it would be a good idea. Besides I have typed more then enough for all to read. A load off my mind.

Hey give KT Tunstall a try. Good stuff!

May the Force be with you

Excelsior!!!

Matt-man Vs Memory

Hail and well met

Quick post here. First off a SHOUT OUT to Nicky and her Family. Here is hoping that you Dad is healthy at home.

SHANDA hope things have improved, and if not then take a baseball bat and beat someone until morale improves! :) "Batter up!"

and lastly a HUGE THANK YOU to Impervia for some advice that I had forgotten about. Sleeping quite well now, no dreams that cause me to wake in a cold sweat (a hot sweat with the need for a cig and some kleenex maybe>:) Ah yes I am in a better mood I think.

Also I found this while trying to clean out my documents folder and realized that I never posted it. So here it is.


Four jobs I ha’ve had:
1. Clerk at Toys "“R" Us (actually many jobs rolled into my 4 years there)
2. Delivery man for Auto-Mart free publication
3. Assistant Manager at 3D-House of Games (or 3D HOG)
4. Part Owner Operator of Gamopolis

Four movies I can watch over and over:
1. Star Wars
2. Murder by Death
3. Oscar
4. The Adventures of Pluto Nash

Four places I have lived:
1. Park Forest, Illinois (36 years I have lived here)
2. Gen-Con (I have always been here)
3. Champagne/Urbana Illinois (lived there every time I visited my buddy James)
4. Carbondale, Illinois (Yup here too)

OK so I cheated just a little. No I have not "“lived"” there in the sense of having a home or apartment, but I have "“lived" in these places more then in that stupid building at 264 Ash. That place is just where I sleep and keep my shit. God I need to get out.

Four television shows I love to watch: (ok I am going to have to cheat here. Being 36 there are a number of shows that I loved to watch back in the day and they are gone now. Also I don'’t have time to watch TV these days, so bear with me)
1. Babylon 5
2. Criminal Minds
3. Firefly (To soon was your candle extinguished)
4. Buffy the Vampire Slayer (Joss Whedon'’s writing and-blushes- Sarah Michelle Geller (or her stunt double) killing vampires, demons, werewolves and the like)

Four places I have been on vacation:
1. Denver, Colorado
2. Las Vegas,Nevada (that wrenched hive of scum and villainy, I was cautious)
3. Michigan (to many places so just figure the whole state, there ain't that much to it anyway)
4. Gen-Con

Four of my favorite dishes:
1. Pizza
2. Chinese
3. Mexican
4. Lasagna

Four websites I visit regularly:
1. Ctrl+Alt+Del
2. closetoflostdreams.blogspot.com
3. privateerpress.com
4. illwillpress.com

Four places I would rather be right now:
1. Carbondale
2. The Loft
3. Anyplace with swimming water (pool or beach)
4. Anyplace with my friends

Four people I tag to also do this pointless exercise:
1. Chris
2. James
3. Todd S.
4. Impervia (don't know you by any other name)

Yup that was all I jumped on to say. Not much new in the rest of my boring existance. Might post about some stuff tomorrow.


May the Force be with you

Excelsior!!!

Matt-man in the Dead of Night

Hail and well met

So a man bursts into his psychiatrist's office.
"Ya gotta help me doc. I cannot stop thinking I am a deck of cards!"
Angry at the interruption the doctor yells
"Wait outside. I will deal with you later."

I found this book of 1001 "great" jokes. Well the great part is questionable, but they are my kind of jokes. I intend on memorizing as many as I can and spewing them to any and all I see. A little stupid humor is a good thing.

Oh and the title is in deference to it being 3:15 in the morning, with me sitting here typing. In part I am trying to avoid certain themes in my dreams of late. I would normally go into detail but I think not this time. I mean if it was the normal zombies tearing me apart I would have no problem sharing, but this is just a little too far off the path. No I won't even hint at it so don't ask even in person. Just trust me that going there is not something I want to do, and for some reason it just keeps coming. I have tried so many tricks, reading a book before going to bed, watching a movie, playing a video game and nothing has the slightest affect on the nature or theme of my dreams. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr it is so annoying.

Ah well, such is life.

So anyway I am working on my Iron Kingdoms campaign, Chris is joining this Friday and I have to come up with a good hook to bring him in. It should be easier with the bar and all, but finding a way to tie a new player to the rest of the group is never easy.

Then of course there is this crazy idea that I had for a World of Darkness campaign. I mean there I was just watching Van Helsing and it struck me like a bolt of lightning. I saw the entire plot unfold and I had to get it down. Now I have always been thorough with my games (well in my head at least) but this is the first one that I have actually sat down and researched stuff on the internet for. The crazy thing is that so much of it is actually historically in line. People lived at the same time and even had connections that fit with the story. I have to say that in some ways it is almost creepy, kind of like the All Flesh Must Be Eaten game I ran with Shep showing up at the back door at the same time he did in the story. So that is progressing far beyond anything I would have thought of and if I can keep my brain focused it should turn out to be a grand adventure.

The pisser in all of this is Beyond Mere Mortals/Champions. I have been totally unable to get a story to even entertain the idea of forming. I know that I had concepts from last year, I have my notes but nothing is coming. I don't want to force it, that is how I fucked (yes I am using a curse word, nothing else really captures the severity of the situation) up Star Wars last year.

I know that everyone was running off in their own directions, I know that they were all ignoring the blatant plot hooks that I was throwing at them. I know all that, but in the end I was the GM and I should have been able to pull you all together with the story and I did not. So it died a terrible slow death that ended when I pulled out the tried and true story killer. It was all a dream/simulation. Yup that has killed so many plotlines and stories I cannot count, of course they deserved to die and as such I don't remember them. Since then I have been just a little gun shy of doing a really long and self made campaign. Chirs helped out when his Saturday D&D game took off and he needed to split his group of 18 players. I mean I did not lose the ability to GM, just the confidence to make my own story and have it proceed and develop with the players. Yes, yes I know that I have said all this before and yes I know what you all say, but it was just a fact that I had never failed at Gm'ing before that, never. I mean if you have always been able to do math and suddenly you go 2+2=9 and blow a test, it will mess with your head.

So anyway I am feeling better, to use a colloquialism "I am back in the saddle again". That is why the whole BMM/Champions thing is so agonizing. I have it back but it won't go there. Oh well I just have to be patient and see if it sneaks up on me.

Well I am having trouble typing so I will bid all a goodnight.

May the Force be with you

Excelsior!!!

Update from the Mat-cave

Hail and well met

Well I have been posting a lot of stuff as of late and it has little to do with my life in general. So here is a little post to bring current events to light. I am still unemployed, which sucks. I have talked to John Poskin and he gave me a new phone number and announcement code for the test I have to take. The call was made and this time I feel I have a better chance of getting the info packet. I have been keeping busy by sitting in front of this monster and typing as much as my heart and head will allow. My projects for Harsh Realities are coming along and I hope to have them sent off soon. When my mind is not a occupied by creating an two entire cultures it has been pondering the secrets of the universe and how we all exist in it. If I every feel that my work is even close to worth reading I will post it, but for now it will remain hidden.

I have been out and about as well going to work out at least 3 or 4 times a week. People keep telling me that I have lost weight, and I do believe them but part of me still holds that image in my head. I am slowly picking at it and in time it will change, having held it for 36 years it has become somewhat ingrained, like a image held to long on a computer screen. I will prevail, what else do I have to do? I mean giving up is so blase, it is not me! HA! I have also been painting when I am able to defrost my paints and Wednesday is good for a game of Warmachine. Fridays is now cemented as Iron Kingdoms and it is going well. Val, Ben, Todd and now Jess seem to enjoy the story and environment that I have painted for them. Soon things will heat up as events begin to spiral towards their inevitable conclusion. Oh what sights I have to show them! (props to anyone that can name the movie that is from) Saturday is a good day as well. I usually get up to the store and paint or play some warmachine and in the evening is Val's campaign.

It is a good life but it is missing something. No I am not talking about work either, that is a small part of life and should stay that way. I am referring to something else. I am pretty sure what it is and I don't want to start exploring it right now. Besides the fact that I have a tendency to get dark and brooding about emotions I also have far to much stuff to set right before I could even begin that quest.

OH OH I almost forgot. I have been talking to Kirby. He is doing fine and he is thinking of moving out of his house...Well not out per say. He currently has a tenant in the lower half of the house he lives in. He is thinking of ending their stay and taking up residence in the lower half. He and I talked and if I can get employed by the time he moves I may move in with him. I will stay at this place at times but I will be splitting up being here and there. Sort of a slow weaning of my presence from my current situation. I am going for it. I like Kirby and I know that we can get along. Besides it is a great way to prep myself for other ideas that are floating in my head. But as always I am keeping my options open, the future is always in motion and as such unexpected things happen all the time. Must be ready to bend with the winds of change or they will break you.

Well that about covers it....I know that I am forgetting something. Oh well if I remember then I will post again. It is not like I have anything else going on.

Ah yes I wanted to thank everyone for their entries in my johari/nohari windows. I have seen much in what you have put. I am not going to rant or rave about it. I plan on taking some time to review after a few more have dropped their coins in the fountain. I know that I could be very over-dramatic over it, but that is just a waste of time. No I just am glad to see myself in the reflection of my friends eyes. Thanks again.

Okay that seems to be all that I have to type...........for now -Bum bum buum-

May the Force be with you

Excelsior!!!

Matt-man and the Missing Piece

Hail and well met

So here I sit and I wander the vast frontier of cyberspace. I have my usual ports of call and occasionally make a jaunt into unknown territory seeing what I can find. I have connections out here to friends and even some family, and I see a different side sometimes and wonder if it is something that they want to talk about or is this their secret face that they keep hidden. Sometimes I feel the need to say things that I really don't feel, but for a moment. The impetious things that come from being a human being filled with emotion and illogical ideas. We all have them, those split second rants in our head that could be disasterous but for which we luckily have a built in buffer and can sensor our own thoughts. Well most of us.

All in all I just sit here and wonder if this whole internet thing is really worth it. I wonder if the time I spend here is worth while or ill spent. Yes it allows communication but so does a telephone or -GASPS- the mail. I think the art of writting a letter has become lost in our world. Oh we shoot off a Email all the time, but it is not the same. There is no instant gratification in standard mail. You must wait for it to travel to its destination. You must then wait for it to travel back. I can say this though, there is nothing like the feeling of getting a letter in the mail. I know I used to write to my friend James while he was at the U of I in Champaign. Those were some letters, let me tell you.

No I know that the ability to acess information is a good thing and as such the internet is a good thing (well mostly). I just think that we always need to look at what we are doing with the question "Just because we can do a thing, must we do a thing?" I feel the answer is no.

I guess that just puts the nail in the coffin though. Cause that is an ideal that only the old seem to have. Oh well I already knew that I was an fool, now I can simply change it to an old fool.

Oh I posted this earlier and only one person has done it, but many of you have decided to jump on the band wagon, I have done yours so damnit do mine!


http://kevan.org/johari?name=Akeranzu

http://kevan.org/nohari?name=Akeranzu

May the Force be with you

Excelsior!!!

Matt-man Vs. TIme, Tedium and Tesseracts

Hail and well met

So it has been a few days since I posted last. Pretty much everything since the trip. That is due to a couple of things. Well the title says it all. I find myself sitting here trying to do 5 or 6 things all at once, and thus doing none of them well. Even when I can seem to stay on one project I end up feeling listless in only a few minutes. This is a problem that has persisted for over a couple of months now, and it is driving me mad.

I mention the term "tesseract" in the title. That is a refers to the literary referance not the geometric construct. It comes from the book "A Wrinkle in Time" by Madeleine L'Engle. It is a concept based on Einstein's theory of relativity and Planck's quantum theory. According to the book, space and time are like a piece of cloth and we are on that cloth like an ant. By taking any two points of that cloth in the path of the ant(us) and pushing them together the ant(us) can travel a long distance in the mere seconds it take to step from one fold to the other. When the cloth is returned to its orginal form the ant(us) has now relocated far away with out traveling the distance inbetween. I mention it here because as of late I have been wrestling with the concept that if all matter is energy, even what we call energy in this universe is but a form of that "Proto-energy" then what really holds this universe together?
Is it a set of laws that are rigid?
Who created these laws, the creator?
If he can bend them as he needs and we are his creation gifted with a fraction of his power then shouldn't we also be able to bend the rules?
If not then why give us the small shard of his power that he has?
But not to lose focus, if this power can bend the rules then what prevents that from happening everyday, with disasterous affect?
I am drawn back to a line from Episode one. Qui Gon Jin says "Your focus determines your reality". That is a key to unlocking this power. We are taught from birth the rules of this world. Before we can understand or interact with the world we are made to belive that these rules are infalible and unbreakable, well some are but all are bendable. Time and time again I hear or see things that prove this. As Yoda says in The Empire Strikes Back "You must unlearn what you have learned". This is what preoccupies my mind these days. I want to touch that power. I want to bend the world around me. Yes it is a selfish thing, and I know that is the reason that I will never be able to call upon it but I have to keep trying. Call me crazy, cause I am.

Yup the rantings of a crazy person. Probably need a good stint in the looney bin. Well let them try and take me. Cause I won't go down alone or without a fight. And knowing my friends I won't be alone either.

Well I am not sure what I started posting about, but I think there is a logical progression here. As far as current events are concerned I am sure that I will get around to talking about them. Although there is one thing that I must say here and now.

STATEMENTS LOST FUCKING ROCKS!!! LOVED THE SHOW AND CANNOT WAIT FOR THE NEXT ONE!!!!

Yeah the show last night at Todd's college was AWESOME. Glad that I went.

May the Force be with you

Excelsior!!!

Matt-man and the Voyage Home (relative term)

Hail and well met.

Well I have returned that repository of my acquired possessions and where I engage in the act of unconsious rapid eye movement. In simple terms "where I keep my shit and sleep".

My journey was good. I found rest in the presence of my old friends and new ones. I was able to do all the things that I set out to do. I found out what I needed to know about housing, which was not that much to begin with. I feel somewhat recharged from the good company, stirring conversations and excellent times with everyone. I also had a conversation that needed to be conversed.

Well in truth that conversaion almost never happened. It took the universe locking a door and keeping two people asleep as I pounded on a door at 12:30ish in the morning to sort of kick me in the ass and then I had the conversation. I can be such a blockhead some times....OK most times, jeez. Anyway it is done and for the better I think.

The trip down and up were puncuated by the listening to the book on CD of "Harry Potter and the Sorcerers Stone" in its entireity and starting "The Chamber of Secrets". I have found the perfect way to spend all those hours in the car. I mean it was so relaxing instead of the usual music that I have heard a thousand times and my mind wandering (never a good thing). I actually did not feel like I had been in a car for almost 5 hours. And I got to listen to a book that everyone has said was very good.

OH oh you want to know what I thought of it?

I thought it was an excellent story. I liked it almost from the begining to the end. I have to say that the movie was not quite as good now that I know the book, but it could have been worse (it could have been made by Uwe Boll)

What are my thoughts for the day....Well let me just say a few words.

"Nitwit! Blubber! Oddment! Tweak!"

May the Force be with you

Excelsior!!!

P.S. I almost forgot. This looks like fun so give it a shot.


http://kevan.org/johari?name=Akeranzu

You do me I'll do you. (Hmmm may sound dirty but I like it ;)

Matt-man on the move

Hail and well met from down here in Carbondale

I arrived all right and am alive. I will see everyone next week. Not much else to report now. Maybe later I will have some gems to drop, well I guess you could call them "gems" or you could call them crap. Whatever.

May the Force be with you

Excelsior!!!

Matt-man Ponders the Meaning of the Cowl

Hail and well met

Well here I sit wondering. Oh this and that runs through my head. But the real big thing is a matter of realizing that sometimes you just have to leave things alone. No matter how badly you want them to become something else or change you just have to butt out. Change takes time. That is a truth from which there is not escape, especially with people.

But we never seem to learn. We always expect someone to change overnight, at the right word or phrase. We think we know what is good for them...Which is never true. The only person that can really know what is good for you is you! Now that being said there are options that you may not be aware of, and that is what all that concern is for. But don't tell anyone that you know what is good for them. Just give them the option to look at your idea and then let them decide.

Oh and before anyone (Mikey) gets the idea that this is about them in particular or a situation in particular, it is not. This has been a thread in my mind for several months. I personally had to realize that I myself had decided what would be good for several people and was happily running around forcing it down their throats, either by direct action or in how I treated them. Instead of just saying hey here is an option that you may not have thought of. That is the real reason behind this post, albeit that certain situation brought it to the forefront of my mind.

The hardest thing about being a friend is dealing with the fact that people have to be allowed to fall off the log. No matter how much we learn and want to share that info, stopping someone from gaining experience in living is a bad thing. Only through experience can knowledge become wisdom. The best thing for friends to do is say "Hey this is familiar territory, I will be there when it all falls apart and help get things back on track". Yeah it sucks letting someone that you care about get hurt, but they have to.

"Life is pain. Anyone that says differently is selling something"

There is no pain; there is growth

Pain is a fact of life. I mean where did the phrase "growing pains" come from if it isn't. And don't you say it was a television series back in the 80's or I will unleash a unhealthy blast of Matterocity on you. It puts the two halves of the truth together, growing and pain. One causes the other, and they are not mutually exclusive. One can happen without the other, but not that often.

It may be tough but sometimes love is like that. And if you really love someone you have to be willing to let them take their chances and get their scrapes. But you also have to be there to help them put it all back together, cause that is what friends are for. Well that and mooching free food and pop from time to time. Not to mention the ass kicking that comes with 3 player Halo2.

Well that about covers it. Yet again I am not sure that I covered it well but meh. It is my blog and if I want to ramble incoherently then I will and if you don't like it well.......

HARD CHEESE!

What are you doing reading this blog anyways if you don't like what I say?

READ A BOOK!

I love that one.

May the Force be with you

Excelsior!!!

Matt-man Vs.Time

Whelp I am on a mission. I am taking a Gyro Trip! Mikey needs BG FRIES and I am the only one that can get them to him before he expires from hunger.

MATT-MAN TO THE RESCUE!

Well there was some stuff that I wanted to post about but it will have to wait.

Quick to the Matt-mobile!!!!!!


May the Force be with you

Excelsior!!!

Matt-man's Roots

Hail and well met

As you have noticed by now there is a new graphic on my blog. That is the Hamilton Clan Crest with the Clan motto "Through". I have always known about my Scottish heritage and I love it. The problem was never being able to find a decent picture of the crest or motto to put here. Of course if I had really used my head I would have realized that there was something called Google on the internet and I could search for it. There are times when I really have to wonder where my head is at. Ah well there it is for all to see.

Speaking of missing something rather obvious, my friend Jim and I were talking about me getting a hold of John Poskin the Post Master at the Momence Office. I have been trying to track down his phone number so I can call him about a job. Well Jim suggested that I go to the Post Offcie sight and get the phone number for the Momence Office and call him there, what a concept! Again if I could be any more oblivious to the obvious I would be Legalos. The Crete Office has turned out to be a wretched. hive of scum and villainy so I said screw it. I am going to call tomorrow and speak to him. So things seem to be progressing forward and for the better.

I am still on track to head down to Carbondale this weekend and I look forward to it. I have much to do whilst there and I hope to procure the needed information to facilitate my co-habitation over the summer. There is a twist though. As I have said before I am looking to find a room-mate to share the expense and be there all the time while I travel back and forth. The twist is that I may end up having two places of my own. One down there and one up here. I was talking to Kirby and he is thinking of getting out of his current situation as well. We know that we can stand each other and like enough of the same things that we won't get on each others nerves to much. All in all I may be out of my sleep cave and on my own in two different places. Which is strange since when I talked to my mom a couple of months ago about me moving to Carbondale she told me a dream she had about me and she saw two houses and I lived in both.

Anyway I am doing as well as can be expected. Still working out steady and it is showing. Mikey thinks I should lay off the weights, but I am doing what seems to be working for me. I just think that he doesn't want me to show him up, which is stupid. I am 36 with a Scottish and German background, I was born to be big (well as far as muscle and body are concerned GRRRRRRR!)
Whoops sorry for the TMI.

Well that is all I have to say right now so I will see all later or this weekend. Oh and by the way thanks for the comments, I was beginning to wonder if everyone had stopped reading. Well even if everyone had I would still be here. I have always been here and I always will be.

May the Force be with you

Excelsior!!!

Matt-man and the Revelation of Confidence

Confidence
Function: noun
1 a : a feeling or consciousness of one's powers or of reliance on one's circumstances b : faith or belief that one will act in a right, proper, or effective way
2 : the quality or state of being certain : CERTITUDE

This is the crux of many a problem in the way we all live. A lack of confidence. Everyone is born with this thing called confidence, it may not seem like it but it is true. The trick is to realize that it is there and to call upon it. Oh it would be nice to say that it gets easier with time and practice, but that is untrue. We never find it easy to call upon but it is always there. Waiting to jump into action at our command and give us the power to stand up under extreme pressure and rise above the chaos of our lives to achieve a moment of greatness.

The biggest problem is that there is no way of really knowing when it is working. There is no flashing light on the screen telling us when we have called it into service. It doesn't even feel all that different then the way we normally feel. In the moments that we call upon it and use it we are almost always surrounded by a feeling of fear and trepidation.

I have been talking to a number of people and what they have said has astounded me. These people are who I would say have confidence, yet when I ask them they are sure that they don't have it. They have the same fears as I do about things. So what and where is this confidence and how is it that they seem to have it when they are scared out of their minds?

Well that has been the center of my concern for weeks now. If no one really knows about their confidence then what is it really? If it is not a power or substantial quantifiable thing then how does it work?

It works by the Faith that what we see is subject to change, allowing us to stand up to what we see as reality and act in a way that is contrary to what we see. It gives us the ability to stand up to the fear and step beyond the boundaries of the world around us. Through that Faith we have the Confidence to see beyond the realm of the visible and into the realm of the invisible. It makes no sense and no rational person would do it but that is what Confidence is all about. The bigger and greater things that you do the more Confidence you have and the greater Faith that you can do anything.

I have always said that nothing was impossible for me. Not until this moment did I realize that knowing it was not enough. Knowledge is not where confidence comes from and thus just knowing was nothing at all. The true power of Confidence is Faith. Faith in ourselves, our friends, family and whatever powers we believe in. With Faith we call upon our Confidence to take that first step and the second and so on.

That is the trick. We have to do something. Only through action can we build Confidence and in so doing increase our Faith. The Bible has a verse that until now has always bothered me.

James 2:17
So also the faith, if it may not have works, is dead by itself.

The more excepted translation is "Faith without works is dead".

Until this very moment I have held this verse as a paradox. My faith is something that God knows, so how can it be said that it is dead unless I parade it around and do things for God. Mankind has been building stupid buildings and oppressing people for centuries under the auspice of "good works". It was something that until right now I had just pushed aside, but now I see something.

The word "works" is an interesting thing. It has three definitions of course. The old testament was written in Hebrew, the new testament in Greek and the English one. So I will look at all definitions.

The Hebrew

6381 pala' paw-law' a primitive root; properly, perhaps to separate, i.e. distinguish (literally or figuratively); by implication, to be (causatively, make) great, difficult, wonderful:--accomplish, (arise...too, be too) hard, hidden, things too high, (be, do, do a, shew) marvelous(-ly, -els, things, work), miracles, perform, separate, make singular, (be, great, make) wonderful(-ers, -ly, things, works), wondrous (things, works, -ly).

The Greek

3167. megaleios meg-al-i'-os from 3173; magnificent, i.e. (neuter, plural as noun) a conspicuous favor, or (subjectively) perfection:--great things, wonderful works.

You may notice that it states in the Greek definition that it comes from another word. I have gone and brought up that word as well for comparison and to see the progression.

3173. megas meg'-as (including the prolonged forms, feminine megale, plural megaloi, etc.; compare also 3176, 3187); big (literally or figuratively, in a very wide application):--(+ fear) exceedingly, great(-est), high, large, loud, mighty, + (be) sore (afraid), strong, X to years.

Lastly I looked up "works" in a websters dictionary and here is the definition.

Work (since works is a plural I just went to the singular)

Function: noun
Etymology: Middle English werk, work, from Old English werc, weorc; akin to Old High German werc work, Greek ergon, Avestan var&zem activity
1 : activity in which one exerts strength or faculties to do or perform something: a : sustained physical or mental effort to overcome obstacles and achieve an objective or result b : the labor, task, or duty that is one's accustomed means of livelihood c : a specific task, duty, function, or assignment often being a part or phase of some larger activity
2 a : energy expended by natural phenomena b : the result of such energy c : the transference of energy that is produced by the motion of the point of application of a force and is measured by multiplying the force and the displacement of its point of application in the line of action

Of course as any dictionary would have there were several more forms of definition, but these cover the basic concepts that I have always been led to believe.

The engish definition seems to imply labor in one way or another and that is what I always look to when I read that verse. But the other definition holds a different view.

"great things, wonderful works." does not imply physical or mental labor but deeds. Great things as it says. The word from which it comes also seems to point away from labor and to actions of greatness and achievement. And that was the key.

Confidence is the application of our faith in the deeds that we perform when the world looks at us and says it is impossible, cannot be done, you don't have the power to do that:yet we believe (have Faith that) they can be done. Well if we act in the purely physical world then no it can't, it is impossible and we don't have the power.

But when we step into the world of imagination, call upon the Force around us and have the confidence to step forward we do have the power, nothing is impossible and we can do anything we put our minds to. Our history is replete with examples. Alexander graham Bell, Thomas Edison, the Wright Brothers are just a small sample of those that had the confidence to walk with faith to do perceived impossible deeds. No it is not easy and it never is. That is the proof of your faith and your confidence. Because you never stop pushing forward even when the going gets tough. No matter how much crap is piled on your shoulders you keep on trucking. Even when everything you have is torn away you still take that next step. As you step forward you have something to look back on and say "Hey I did that so I can do this" your Faith in your abilities grows as does your Confidence.

This is a better translation.

Faith with out deeds is dead.

Yes that is the better way to say it.

Not sure what exactly what I was trying to say. It just came to me. I will probably revisit it and work on it some more.

May the Force be with you

Excelsior!!!

Matt-man takes action.....

Hail and well met

Well everyone is waiting to hear about the job thing. (at least I hope that everyone is still out there in internet land) Anyway here is what I have going on right now. First off I am not going to the Crete Post Office, far too many crazy people there. Way to much stress for the money. I mean hours would probably be maxed for a part timer, but most of those would be last minute call offs by the shop steward. I would like the hours but not the uncertainties of working until any given morning at 5:30.

So does that mean that I am giving up on the post office. OH HELL NO! I am going to be talking to a Mr. John Poskin whom is the post master at the Momence post office. He learned of my availability from Jim and voiced an interest in my coming and working for him. I know John P. and I know that he knows me. It is a perfect situation...well not really cause I don't know how many hours I will get to start and it is 40 minutes away. But so what! Nothing is perfect (well there are a few things but not a subject for now) and that is what makes life fun.

Now there is a chance that this will all blow up in my face. Not a big chance but it is better to be prepared then to get screwed. So I have learned of a company that does outsourcing production for Ford. They are looking to add some people. Now first off I am going to get this information for a friend (yes Mikey I thought of you) but if this Post Office falls through then I have back up. Plus there are other things popping up all over the place. I just wonder where all this opportunity was when I first became unemployed? Oh well it is here now and that makes for a good day.

I am going to be out of town next weekend. I am heading down to Carbondale for a weekend away from everything. I will visit some good friends and hang. I will also be checking on available housing and what it costs to live down there, well in part. I am still planning on co-habitation between down there and up here. I really want to find a room-mate that can be there when I am not cause I don't like the idea of leaving an empty apartment or whatever just sitting for two weeks or more unattended. Oh well I am sure that some solution will reveal itself.


I am looking forward to seeing everyone down there. I plan on having a real good time. I love that town (mostly for the people down there but it is a nice place as well).

Oh I also started a My Space account....Yeah I know, me on My Space what was I thinking. Well I was just following the crowd. My buddy Jim has been on there for months, Pete has been as long or longer, my buddies Chris and Andy have jumped on and now Mikey. Well I just felt that it would be nice to keep up with some of them more then just stupid emails (which many never respond to anyways)

I have a lot of work to do on the site cause it looks so....Well......CRAPPY! I have a lot to learn. If anyone has a recommendation for a HTML hand book let me know. I don't want to have to take several college courses to spruce up my page, but if I have to then so be it.

Okay that is all the time I have for today. I have to plot out the demise of my players in Iron kingdoms...Who am I kidding I have to much fun fucking with them to kill them, besides life can be so much more painful!!!! Like living with the death of a undercover cop...Oh that one is priceless! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!>:)~

Oh Nicky, Ben mentioned role playing over the internet. That would be fun. If not then you are more then welcome during any break and summer. With the story centered around a tavern it is perfect for characters jumping in and out. I will talk about it next weekend.

Yeesh now I am done.

May the Force be with you

Excelsior!!!

Matt-man waxes poetic

The shadows creep and crawl
From under table and down the wall
Echoes whisper, mumble and scream
Tearing hope and smashing dream
There is no solice in sleep
For there is terrors keep
Wandering from day to day
Silent fool with so much to say
What is real and what is not
Never knowing why the war is fought
Struggle against unseen foes
Reel from invisible blows
But what if the only way to win
Is a forbidden and mortal sin
Seek and ye shall find
But not likely for the blind
Stumble, falter, trip and fall
In the world is this all
Nothing more can be found
Just a hole for us in the ground
Why put us here only to die
What is the point of wanting to fly
We have no wings we cannot soar
So left on the ground we want more
Turn away from what they see
But if we do we'll never be free
~fin~

Just kinda poured out there. It is almost 4 in the fucking morning. Yeah ain't sleeping again. Oh well just had to do something.