Finally the Title has come back to the Blog

Can you smell what the Matt is cookin?!

ASIDE:
I have decided to change the way that I title my blog to include quotes, book titles, song titles and lyrics. Just a way to keep things changing and evolving. For those that don't know this quote is from my favorite wrestling star "The Rock". Just felt a bit nostalgic and it fits the occasion.

:ASIDE

Hal and well met

As I have stated before I made a slight realization on New Years Eve. Well I made a few of them but this is the biggy of the night. The others were of a more personal nature and affect only me so they are not really worth repeating, although I will have to converse with others at some point as they are involved as well. But that is not for this post.

I was feeling rather good Saturday night, mostly because of the booze and the company. As of late I have had little to no reason to feel good. No I am not going to itemize what those reasons are, if you know me then you should know them already and if you don't then ask me outside this media.

The booze really helped me let go and have fun. I lost track of certain aspects of my life for a time and it felt good. Then like a bolt of lightning they nailed me to the ground. I had to walk away or start being stupid and ruining the night for everyone. I started walking, and I hate to say it, I was mad because I felt that I had to find a new path because others had started walking before me and had taken "mine". I know it was the booze that said it because as serious as I was then I have to laugh now, I actually said out loud for no one but me and God to hear "Damnit this was my walking spot first! They have usurped it!".

I will pause for all those that really know what I am talking about to have a chance to laugh and run for the bathroom. For those that don't know just laugh at the dumb inebriated idiocy of the comment in general.

Anyway I started walking a new path, which is ironic as you will figure out later. I walked down the the end of the block and turned right heading down into undiscovered territory. I walked till the sidewalk ended at a gravel driveway into a industrial like location.(I know this sounds like a long walk, but it really was less then two blocks at best) I looked at the end of the sidewalk and then at the gravel area and the grass beyond. It was next to the train tracks so the ditch was a natural barrier against going past the grass, but I wanted to go there so I took a step into the gravel area. I began to pick a path between the pot holes filled with water to reach the grassy area. When I had crossed over and stepped into the grass I went to the edge of the ditch and just stood there.

I know now that the idea was trying to get into my head there. It had given me all the pieces and was waiting and hoping that I would see them and put them together.

I didn't. I turned around and walked back. I continued to retrace my steps and walked around by the loft for awhile. Then on what would be my last pass Nicky and Shanda walked out from the driveway. "So are you contemplating life?" Nicky asked me. "What else is there?" was my STUPID reply. Luckily Shanda dragged Nicky away, or I had a feeling that she would have started walking with me. Not a bad thing, in fact I missed not walking with her on New Years Eve (last year I had a long walk of "self realization" in which Nicky took part. I liked it and we have walked a couple times since) Anyway I kept walking, and a part of me was pissed that she had not joined me so I was getting upset even more. Then I reached a seam in the sidewalk and stopped.

Now I have this habit of pulling lines from movies and songs and having them pop into my head at times for emphasis. This is the quote that popped right then.

"If I take one more step, it'll be the farthest away from home I've ever been." Sam Gamgee played by Sean Astin in LotR: The Fellowship of the Ring

Now this made no sense to me, but they usually don't at first glance. That is why they are used, they make me think. I looked down at this seam and began to think of what this quote could have to do with seams in the sidewalk.

Well the sidewalk is man made. The seams were placed there by someone else, not me.

I was almost stumped when my eyes wandered over and saw the edge of the sidewalk and the grass that lay beyond. It struck me.

One step to the left and there were no seams, no lines. I took a step to the left and stood there looking at my feet. (I am surprised that no one called the cops as I stood there stepping back and forth from the grass to the sidewalk. If they had I know I would have ended up in the tank especially when I tried to explain what I was doing) I must have stepped back and forth a dozen times when the meaning of the quote just popped in my head.

Sam had decided that he had walked the farthest away from home at that moment, no one else could have told him. It was not a specific distance, it was his decision. His measurements told him. His lines decided the distance he had walked, not someone else's.

I have been trying to judge my distance by the lines of others. Using their seams to measure where I am and where I should be. And in the process I have been spreading myself to thin in some areas where I am not supposed to be and getting backed up in others. I have my desires and wants, who doesn't. I just need to stop using other peoples benchmarks to judge how close or far I am from achieving them.

Which is what I was supposed to figure out when I reached that stupid gravel driveway. Cause I had reached the end of the sidewalk and had to step out on my own and forge my path to the grass on the other side, no lines.

Also it is a matter of leaving the safety of the sidewalk, and venturing out where the wild things are. But that is a more personal thing.

Well there it is. No more lines for me. I make my own from now on. I know what I want and screw the rest of the world telling me how to get there and when I can arrive.


Over The Eggshells Lyrics
Artist(Band):Mighty Mighty Bosstones
Album: Pay Attention

I'm over the eggshells I've been walking on
My eggshell walking days are done
I don't give a fuck about the apple cart
I'll upset everyone
Don't tell me on what or where to walk my friend
You once did, but those days are gone
I'm so over the eggshells
The ones that I've been walking on


These are only half the lyrics, but these are the ones that hold the most sway over my mood right now. Oh and the friend mentioned in the song is going to be that loser that posted on my blog, it seems only fitting given the context.

So thanks dumbass!

Yup that is it, well most of it. I still have some personal stuff as I said. Some long conversation's in the not to distant future.

Thanks for visiting and hope you like the post.

May the Force be with you

Excelsior!!!