Matt-man Returns

Hail and well met

Some have commented that my "voice" situation is a cop out. To this I say no. There is a reason and I will explain here and now.

I did what I did to be rid of that voice once and for all. I have used it as a crutch and a cop out for many years. Hiding behind it when things got tough or difficult. Now you will say "But you are doing it again, blaming it for this fuck up". No not once in what I have said have I ever put the blame for this on that voice. I chose to do this, me, Matthew Hamilton Endicott, not some voice or other identity. The voice was simply a catalyst.

As I began to think over what I had done and considered the affect on everyone else (something I should have done the day I first commented) I have come to an understanding of my own character. For too long I have used that voice as a scapegoat for all my problems. Taking every fear, doubt, insecurity and failure and placed it on its doorstep. Then I would just turn my back and run away. It was "its" problem and fault, not mine. As long as it was around I was untouched by the mistakes and failures of my life. I did not need to work at anything hard, if I failed (which was a foregone conclusion with a lack of effort) I would just place the blame on that voice and move on. Every aspect of my life has fallen into disarray because I have never really stood up and faced my fears, doubts, insecurities and failures and dealt with them.

But all of this is seen in hindsight, and that is a good thing. If I had realized what I was doing at the time I might have stopped. I would have backed away and kept my little crutch, shield and excuse. Because to be with out it would have meant that I would be responsible for everything. Every fear, every doubt and so on would have been laid at my doorstep and I would have to deal with them, no excuses or "cop outs".

That is not what happened though. I instead made the comment to spite that damn voice. I knew what everyone would do, I am not that stupid. I knew that you would stand up for me. I can only assume that since it was apart of me it knew as well, why it allowed it to happen I don't know. What I did not know was that for a moment all of you did something, you looked at a comment and you created this person, this entity that had written it, to you it was a real person not me. For a fleeting moment that voice had life. It tried to survive, it tried to breath but it had not the capacity to exist on its own. It died. It passed away for it did not really exist.

It is gone and I am all that is left. With this pile of crap that I have placed in its backyard over the last number of years.

This sounds all noble and ominous, but it is far from it. I have to deal with all this shit now. Every stupid thing is mine to deal with. I have to escape and I cannot just push it aside. There is nowhere to push it to.

If I could go back I think I might. If I could change what I did I would. But not because I hurt, offended, or pissed any of you off. I would go back so that I could remain ignorant and comfortable in my stupid little world of immaculate mediocrity.

I am sorry for the trouble. I have talked to a number of those involved and have a number to go. This is the last I intend to post on this subject. If anything else is to be said it will be done in person if at all.

I am not a new person, I am not reborn. I am what I have always been, but I chose not to see it. I take up the mantle (good word, I kind of stole it from Nicky) of who I am.

Who am I? You ask.

I am Matt-man.

No secret identities, no capes and only those powers that anyone of us has. But for each they are different and unique. So I do not fire blasts from my ass or can bench press a battle ship with my eye brows. These are not what make someone super, it is how they live, love and laugh. How they try and bring a light into a dark room and help others. It is a kind word or a simple gesture in a time of need. These are the powers that flow through us all, this is the Force. I call it Matterocity, because it is mine and I choose to make it so.

I will become all the things I dream I will become. Because I choose to. I will face all the fears, doubts, insecurities and failures; look them in the eye and KICK THEIR ASS, with a little help from time to time. I will stand with all those I call friend and in their time of need I will lend a helping hand, even if that means taking a step back and leaving them alone or simply shutting up and listening.

I have survived this ordeal with your help, albeit not the way you would have like to help. I am not sure that I deserve all of you as my friends, but I think that no one ever really deserves what they get in their own mind. It is our friends that tend to see more in us then we see in ourselves, and maybe why friends are friends. I thank all of you for still standing with me, unless you aren't. If you have to walk away then I wish no ill will towards you. I thank you for the time we have had and I will always be willing to help in the memory of that time.

As a dear friend of mine once said (In a role playing session mind you) "There is no time for hate"

Nope there is not. I have way to much to do. Way too many people to try and stay in touch with. I mean really my Christmas card bill is getting out of hand. OH on that note I finally found where I magical put my cards this year. I am an idiot. They were in my car. So once I get some spilled stuff off of them I will make sure that everyone gets theirs.

Okay well that is all that I have to say for now. Again this is the last I will talk of this in this media.

Soon back to "Wacky Space Adventures".

damn Battle Star Galctica!

May the Force be with you all

Excelsior!!!