Matt-man Vs. The Unknown

Hail and well met

Okay I am lost. I have been patient. I have been tolerant. I have been willing to sit back and wait for them to call me.

I am done waiting. I will make contact and push the issue. But there is a risk. If I push to hard it could bite me in the ass and cost me the opportunity. I know there are other jobs out there, but the pay, hours and benefits are what I need. Anything else will only succeed in hobbling me and holding me back. I am done be held back. I won't do it any more. I want what I want and heaven help those that get in my way.

Fear is running rampant. Panic is trying to rule the day. Oh I put on a good face and that has to stop, all it does is provide opportunity for me to fall into old habits. Not going to happen.

That is the major reason for the insomnia. I just cannot get it out of my head, well mostly. There is something that makes it go away, but that is also a source of some consternation (good word use).

Even now I sit here and really don't know what to do or think. I keep looking through my minds eye and seeing all that crap piled in my front lawn. The piles of insecurity and doubt. I don't want to believe it is even remotely true, but at moments like this I do wonder.

ARRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHH! I have to stop thinking. I should just get dressed and head back over to the loft. For some reason I can clear my head there, I am clearer. Maybe it is the fact that in that place there are fewer echoes of my life. I don't know. It has become a refuge from everything that is out of my control. Thank the Maker for it otherwise I know I would be a wreck.

I just have to laugh sometimes. There is nothing harder to obtain then a positive attitude, but nothing easier then to lose it. That only makes sense though. It has always been easier to destroy then create.

Oh I know I have been rambling. Maybe it is a sign that I am tired and can sleep. Or it could be a benchmark on my journey towards being completely insane. Who knows, I don't.

Ah well enough out of me. I am done for tonight. Here is hoping that sleep comes and with it rest. Nothing worse then waking from sleep more tired then you laid down.

I am alive and that is the best that I can hope for. Everything else is up to me. (boy am I screwed)

May the Force be with you

Excelsior!!!