I don't know anymore

I feel happy. Or at least I should. I act happy. I smile and laugh, but that has never been a problem for me. I find things funny, a lot of things actually. But down deep I feel something else.

This started Saturday when I did something that I am ashamed of. Well I am ashamed of it now, I wasn't then. I was scheduled to help Chris run the D&D campaign at GO. I went there and informed Mr about my absence but I never called Chris or got in touch with him at all. I know that I thought about him, I just remember not feeling anything one way or the other. I mean that, I felt nothing about abandoning him with no idea what was going on. In some ways I could say that I was hollow, empty, nothing inside at all.

Anyway Sunday I awoke and then I felt it. I knew that I had pretty well fucked him. I felt the knot in my gut that I should have felt when I was doing this. I spent the day sitting at my computer waiting for him to get on and for him to tie into me. He had every right to and with the way I felt I wanted him to. Well he got on late and he kind of let me have it. I mean it was what I deserved, I had been an asshole to him for Christs sake. Well he kind of did, but it did not go far. He forgave me, but he doesn't understand that although I do accept his forgiveness I can never forgive myself.

Yes I know it was just a little thing. God why can no one understand that if I don't stop myself from doing this in the small things then the next time it may be a BIG ONE. Then you will all be up in arms and pissed off, only because it is big. Well if I don't care now what makes you think I would care then. I have to stop this before it gets worse. I have to understand why I was able to do something so selfish and with out remorse or concern to the consequences of others. Only if I understand it can I stop it from happening again, you know when it might be BIG.

So now I am going over the events and thoughts of Friday and Saturday looking for the answer. I am finding nothing of any help. I will not give up on finding the flaw in my character that allowed this to happen. Until I know I will not stop. Chris said it was a mistake, maybe but that dose not elevate my responsibility to stop it from happening again.

This is one of the more heinous things that I have ever done. There is one other and I will never speak of it in detail, so don't ask. I am just saying it to put it into perspective for me, not you. I have to despise myself now more then ever for doing something so wrong. I may never forgive myself for this. I may never stop hating myself for knowing what I was doing and doing it anyway.

It has been a very long time since I did anything like this. A very very long time. That is one of the biggest reasons that I am so bothered by it. That and whom I did it to. Chris is like a little brother to me. I care for him more then many of my other friends. Yet for all of my feelings for him I did this to him. How could I justify in my mind doing this?! It just doesn't make any sense.

As the title says... I just don't know anymore.

I am going to let this go for now, I am supposed to see Chris and Nicky in a few hours. I don't want this to cloud the day. They don't need my shit. So I am going now. I hope to find the answer soon. If not I will have to find another way to stop it.