I have the answer, and it seals my fate

I don't care if this sounds melodramatic. It is my life and if I choose to over act then that is what I am going to do.

I have boiled down the events of this weekend and have the answer. I know why I did everything that I did. I am going to keep it to myself.

It leaves me with a choice. I can continue down this road seeking something, and giving in to the darkness that unfolded on Saturday or I can abandon my quest and except the two results. One that I will never walk in that darkness that allowed me to hurt my friend (yes it was a small thing but do I have to go into it again). The second is knowing that my life will be empty and hollow for the remaining time that I have to spend on this rock.

Great choices that I get to make. Be happy and destroy everything I have lived for or live in an eternal torment that will rob me of any happiness or joy and keep everything else safe.

I hate God at this moment. I despise him. I would beat the living shit out of him right now if I had the chance.

I could rant on for pages, but I have done that before. I will not waste the time. I already know the choice I must make. That is one of the reasons that I hate him so. Why bother showing me all this when I had already made the right choice? So that I could really feel the cost of said choice? FUCK YOU! YOU COWARD! YOU WHO SENT YOUR SON TO BEAR THE BURDEN OF YOUR FUCKING PLAN! IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN YOU IN YOUR ENTIRETY UP THERE ON THAT CROSS FEELING THE PAIN AND SUFFERING!

Okay well that is off my chest. Well for those of you who go to church and are worried that I am blaspheming, don't. I have figured out that hating God is not a sin, as long as you are honest about it. Let's face it he is God and if he cannot handle a little frustrated anger being tossed at him, well then what kind of God is he anyway? No the sin would be in not telling him the truth of how I feel. We don't see eye to eye on a great many things. I expect that when the day comes and I walk through the pearly gates I am going to get led to a nice room with two comfy chairs with a case of Pepsi and some doughnuts on a small table, where the Almighty and I will have a real long conversation. Oh did I mention the boxes of Kleenex? Yeah I expect those will be there as well, cause I know I am going to cry when I understand everything. Wouldn't you?

I am not much better now. It just is a condition that I must accept and work around. I have friends and who am I to want anything else. Happiness is relative, some kind of second cousin twice removed or something. In time I will forget, hopefully, and then the pain will go away. And if it does not then I will have to drown myself in laughter and booze. Not a bad way to live.....alone.

I will see all when the time allows. Have a HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

I am thankful for all the friends that I have, and for those that I don't.

May the Force be with all of you.

Excelsior!!!