Patience is not a virtue but a curse.

All of my life I have been told as many of you probably have that patience is a virtue. That waiting is a good thing. "Don't rush into anything."

What a load of bullshit!

From experience I say that holding off is a bad thing. All it leads to taking no action at all. You wait for some sign or trigger to send you into action, which never comes. Then you realize all the opportunities that you have let slip by. Chances that were not taken. Things that you will never experience, cause when they pass you by they are gone forever. You can never get them back.

Dreams are all that you are left with. Dreams of what might have happened if you did this or that. Empty and lifeless dreams that soon consume you. In the end you try and live a dream, which gets you nowhere.

I have wasted my life and I know it. I have done things to be sure, I have been alive. But I have not LIVED. Now as I look at where I am all I see is a hollow shell. Nothing inside at all but shadows of what might have been.

I have every reason to resent life, to hate all that do live. Yet even now as the pain of that aching hollow place that I call my heart reverberates through me I find that I cannot. Trust me I can feel anger, and I can express it. I have made many people scared of me, a fact that bothers me more then not having lived. I just don't find it useful to feel these things.

I am reminded of a spoken line of a friend while we were playing Star Wars the role playing game.

"Don't have time for hate."

That covers it in a nutshell. I may not have lived but it makes no sense to waste any time on something as useless as hate. All it can do is destroy, like relationships, people and my life.

I just don't know what to feel. If hate is not a path that I can take then what is left?
Despair comes to mind, but I have walked down that path and it just leads inward and away from life. Frustration is just a precursor to hate so it is not valid. I want to feel something, but what is left to me.

Nothing at all. Maybe being asleep was a good way to be, oblivious to the world around me and what it had to offer. You cannot not miss something if you don't know it is there, right? But I do know, I have touched it and know it exists. I cannot go back to sleep, I will still be aware of what I am missing.

I must do something soon or life will become a burden that I am not willing to bear. I don't want to become what I will if I choose the other paths before me, I cannot go back and I cannot go forward.

-heavy sigh- I am stuck being patient until something comes along. Waiting again for opportunity to show up. I just hope to the Creator that I have not passed them all by, or alienated my self from them all together.

I guess I will go to bed now. I just know I won't sleep. But this is not helping at all.

May the force be with you.