My first steps in a larger world...

The first steps have been made.

Yeah I fell flat on my ass. Oh well as one of my new rules states...

There is no failure; there is learning

See I have been busy working on these ideas. I am still boiling these down and redefining them. In fact the one above is still a work in progress.

What did I do that did not work out? Well simply put I tried to find that place within that is the center where the Force connects with all living things. I kept searching within but in the end I know that I kept forcing it (no pun intended, but it is funny). I just have to keep remembering one other rule.

There is no ignorance; there is knowledge

I may not know why now I cannot find my center, but I will in time. Ah yes another rule

There is no time; there is the moment

I can tell that everyone is maybe getting just a little sick of this. Sorry but if you don't like what you are seeing, look somewhere else.

I am still looking into what went wrong. I know that it has to do with something inside, and we know where that can lead. I will have to walk a fine edge to figure out what is in the way. Ah time for yet again another rule.

There is no Fear; there is understanding.

Now that one is just a little futher along in the process then the others. But that is for a different post.

Anyway I am at Jim's house and he is kicking me out to spend time with his son. So I will post again as soon as possible.

May the Force be with you all.

Excelsior!!!

One dream to rule them all

Hello and welcome the mind of a mad man.

Yes it has finally come to me that there is no way that I am not crazy.

Why? You ask.

What else would you call someone that truly seeks to be a honest to God Jedi.

Yes I said Jedi and I am saying that I have in the past held the ideal of the Jedi as the way to go with a life.

Now please understand that I am not saying it was a bad idea. In fact the tense of the above sentence is correct, I am striving to become a Jedi. I had walked away from this dream several years ago, because I felt it was immature and not something that a grow man should believe in.

Then I find myself reading a book that someone lent to me. I, Jedi.

Yeah I have been struggling with this book for, what like almost a year. I am still in the teens as far as chapters go.

I was unable to get father because I was unable to deal with some of the slight similarities between how I am feeling at this moment and those of the main character. I am still finding it difficult to read on because every page reveals yet one more slight thing that fits something that I have felt recently.

All of this would have been of little concern if I did not remember how inside I wanted to be a Jedi. Always have and I must admit always will.

But to this is not something that is easy. There is a basic concept that goes with being a Jedi that I know that I have little chance of living up to.

The concept that we are all connected and thus there is no self only the whole life. We are all just facets of the complete being that is God. To really touch this power and find the "Force" the first thing that must go is the center in self.

Now please believe me that this is not something that I came to easily. I like things and at first look this means that like a Jedi you don't have things. But then I realize that the old Jedi order was portrayed as incorrect. They did not have it right cause if they did they would not have fallen. That prophecy over Anikin indicated that the Force was out of balance when the old Jedi order was in power.

This would indicate to me that what Lucas was saying that they were wrong.

I am still trying to gather my thoughts on this, but what I can say is that I have decided to retake this dream.

I will become a Jedi. There is not try, only do or do not. I chose to do.

There is no emotion; there is peace.
There is no ignorance; there is knowledge.
There is no passion; there is serenity.
There is no death; there is the Force.

This is where I start, but where I finish is the future.

Always in motion is the future.

Excelsior!!!

Maybe insanity is just natures way of saying "Have some Ice Cream"

Hello from crazy land,

Yes I just recovered a little from the workout. I said it on my journal, I feel good. There is pain but it is good.

What I wanted to say here is that I am feeling a little better then I did before I went. Maybe it is just the area but everyone, and I mean everyone had a gut. Even the women...ewwwww!

And in fact I must say that in comparison with the other men there, I am pretty good shape, weight wise anyway.

And I am doing this to better my physical condition. I know now that everything else is transitory and up to me to do something about.

If that makes me crazy....Good! I like crazy. I like it alot.

So I must away with myself as I prepare to play some WOW and then go home and take a shower.

Love to all out there.

Excelsior!!!

Well it is time to face the truth.

You know that just when you think things are going to make sense that is when that guy in the really ugly suit jumps out and screams..

"What a twist!"

Well that has happened where this blog is concerned. I was considering which dream to look at today since I am at Jim's house and have some time before we go and work out. Yes I said work out. It may be hard to believe that I, the fat man who seemed content to be so would suddenly decide to go out and change. Well at first I came up with some really good sounding reasons and some dumb ones, not that I needed an excuse but it seemed to me that there should be a good reason for the rest of the world. Well most of them were good and true on some level, but they were not the root cause.

The reason for this action is simply that I want to become something that I am not. I am dreaming that if I lose the weight and throw on some muscle that I will become sexy and women will want me. Oh yes I remember this dream, I had it while I was in High School and it was as stupid then as it is now. If I cannot attract a member of the opposite sex now then a different body will do nothing to improve that. And anyone that dose respond differently will only be responding to the body and not who I am.

But none the less I am going to go through with this sham and lose the weight. I will ignore the lessons of the past and the wisdom of ages to foolishly grasp at willow the wisps and ghosts.

Oh well. At least if I get in shape I can expect to live a little longer then carrying the weight. Yeah I can look forward to more empty and lonely years on this rock. Wow I have so many reasons to be depressed I just don't know why I am not. Maybe I have finally reached that blessed place called insanity. Where the facts of reality no longer have a hold on my perceptions. Yes that would pretty much cover where I am, no matter how totally doomed it appears that I am, I am going to keep marching on. Oh I can see a couch in my future, and the analysts to go with it.

Well that is all I can really stand to type right now. I have to get ready to go. I will type whenever I get a chance to steal some time at Jim's or the loft.

Excelsior!!!!

In the loft and I can see my breath...

Well I am here and things are...

Well...

They could be worse. I don't know how and I am not asking.

Both of my computers are down, desk and lap. They won't be back in action until the middle of the week and I don't know what to do with myself.

That is not exactly true, but that is not a subject for here;D

Yes I have a sick mind. I gave up fighting it and just roll with the punches.

I am trying to handle all this time that I can not surf or type or play solitaire....

Yes I play solitaire. So what?

Oh I cannot type my hands are cold. I keep hitting the wrong buttons.

Anyway as I was saying I really never realized how bad my handwriting was until I had to write something today. They were notes for a D&D campaign that I was co-running at GO. I tell you that if I had not written them myself I would have thought they were another language.

So I realized that as they say practice makes perfect so I guess I need to write by hand more.

YUCK!!!

Ah well it needs to be done. So that is what I plan to do with all this free time, that is the point that I have been rummaging around to get to.

I am working on a post for the future, well I was until the laptop died. It was about Robots the movie. I cannot even begin to reiterate what I went into with it. I just hope I was able to save it and can make it available for all to read.

I am also hard at work digging out those old dreams and giving them a thorough looking over. I may have a couple that are worth a post or two. But until I get the computer back they will be few and far between.

That is all I can think of to say...

Well no there is more but I am not going down that road right now. I will say that I am feeling more alone now then I have been. I hate this feeling. Even when I am with people it is like they are just shadows in smoke. No I am not going any farther, I won't come back.

So I am going now.

Excelsior!!!

Well what a great day!

Dripping sarcasm

Well I am back at the loft for this post. I had been planning on doing this from home on my laptop.....Yeah.

It had a nervous breakdown today. I started it up and it looked fine until I reached the desktop and BAM! Not one single icon or bar. Just the cursor floating there like the one that won't go down. It seemed so lonely, and I was fuming.

I think that I was able to reclaim most of the work that I have on it. At least I hope so. Cause if it is gone then I can kiss the last four weeks of work on certain projects down the drain.

To say that I am pissed is...Well.... An understatement.

I managed to avoid hitting anything. That in itself is a good sign. It just really frustrates me when shit like this happens all at once.

ARRGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!

Okay I am dealing with it. I don't have much time I am on my way over to Mikey's to prep for the GO D&D campaign tonight.

Excelsior!!!!

Baby it is cold outside!

Man I forgot how cold it can get in the loft. I swear it is colder in here then outside. The irony of it all is that there are two propane heaters the size of R2-D2 sitting here, just not as functional. I will have to make sure that we get those up and running SOON.

Anyway I started this blog for a ton of reasons that right now seem just a little weird. I was going to look at all the past dreams that I had and try and figure out if I wanted to pursue them or let them go.

Now I look at it and wonder what the hell I was thinking. I mean I do need to figure out what I want to pursue but I don't need to bore the hell out of anyone reading this blog with all the stuff that goes with that. I like the idea of maybe just exploring my dreams here in some other way. Like I could post stuff that I try and do to explore those dreams.

Of course it would help if I defined what those dreams are.

Wow there are a boat load of them.

Hmmm...Oh here is one. I wanted to be a scientist. Yeah not going to happen. That one is easy to toss. Why? Well it became apparent that my idea of science was drastically different then the worlds the day that I ran an experiment in chemistry class.

It revolved around changing a material from solid to liquid and back. The experiment resulted in there being less material after the experiment then before. Now it was just a very small amount but still it was less.

When I asked where it went I was told that it did not matter.

IT DID NOT MATTER!!!!!

That is so bullshit. Of course it matters!!! Anyway as things went I kept finding things like this all through the science field and decided that I might as well just make up my own rules and play role playing games. So here I am.

Yeah that one is so gone. Just one more disillusionment gone from my youth. Love science fiction but real science sucks.

Wow that took a long time to type. I will break now and hit this again tomorrow.

Excelsior!!!

Since when did computers need drivers?

So I get this call today from my friend who is looking at my computer. He tells me that to finish everything up he need the drivers for all the extra doohikies that are inside. Something about them being attached to the motherboard and that windows dose not recognize them or something.

yecch I am not totally computer illiterate but there are limits to my old person mind when it comes to things like this. Now I know what drivers are so don't even try and I understand that the accessories are not plug and play, it was just so much at once.

Anyway I am going to see if the drivers are at the store and if not then I will have to devote three for four hours trying to find them on the internet.

So I am still out a computer, it is going to be at least a day before I can get it back and if things don't work out I may never get it back. Yeah that is a possibility. If we cannot find the drivers on line the computer is done. So yeah I said it before and I will say it again

"Man I love being a turtle!"

Uh...No .... That was a quote from TMNT, sorry. I meant to say...


"Computers, you can't live with them and you cannot reformat them either."

Anyway I am off to the store.

Excelsior!

Techno withdrawal

I type this on a good friends computer.

Why you ask?

Because my computer is offline, fragged and otherwise out of commission.

I never really thought that I was addicted to technology until I realized that I need to send stuff via email. I like being able to read blogs and journals from my friends. I need to type my ideas onto my journals and blogs (yes I have more then one, and no I am not vain. I am not on my space yet). It is just strange that something that I always thought was not an important part of my life has proven that it is by not being there.

My good friend is going to fix my computer and so I will have it back soon. But until then I am a cyber mooch. Oh well it could be worse.

I will type again either from another friends house or when I get the computer back. Until then...

Excelsior!!

A time for one, a time for all and a time for none

Arrgh I had this all typed and it erased it, so here I go again.

I sit here and type this while my insides are going every which direction. I have a hope and a dream that I hold on to and will not, nay cannot let go. I tried and it came back with a vengeance. The trouble is that everything tells me that it is not real, never going to happen or come true. But what else do I have to hold onto? Nothing.

I know that this world has walked away from it's imagination, it has allowed stupid things to get in the way of dreams. We need to get back to embracing those dreams and making them real. That is what makes this world great. Everything that we enjoy now is the result of someone taking a dream and believing in it so strong that they did what it took to make it real. This country would not be here if someone had not thought that religious freedom was a possibility. They believed in a place where anyone could believe what every they wanted and not be persecuted for it. And what do you know, they made it real. Of course there were bumps and screw ups along the way, but that is what happens. How we deal with those bumps is what is important. Now we did not do so well then and we still have some trouble now but that is a different subject altogether.

The trouble is that I don't know when I should take the leap and try and make the dream come true. That is the crux of the problem, the sticky wicket and the real trick. I don't think that anyone can know when to take the plunge. When they should reach out for the rope that they believe is there but cannot see and if it dose exist may just be out of reach.

I guess that is where faith comes in. Everything inside of me is telling me to reach out, take the chance. It is my head that keeps me in check. I may just have to rely on faith and stretch out my hand and see if what I hope is there, is there.

I am just afraid that if I do and it is not, that what I dream of will slip away forever. For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. Simple science that speaks volumes to my fear.

I just don't know. I have to make a decision and soon or I will go crazy inside and out.

I am not going to get depressed or fall into a funk, just look for something to make some sense out of all of this and give me some direction, or at least some impetus to "shit or get off the pot" as a good friends mom would say. Love that woman and her unconventional manner.

I am ready to face the day now, I feel better. I may not know where I am going but I am damn happy to be on the way.

I leave with word that holds a special place in my heart. It means a lot to me.

Excelsior!

Okay so to do anything I have to post

Well here it is at long last. I have promised myself to start a blog and not tell anyone about it for a long time. I tried once but that fell flat, so here it is.
As the title says I had to post something to finish setting everyting up. Well here it is and that is all I have to say right now about that.

Excelsior!!!