Matt-Man and the countdown

Hail and well met

Well it is Christmas day. I have to say that it has been a good day with some addendum's but that is not for this person to say online (personal and private and involve the bathroom). My Parents gave me a copy of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory and Matrix: Revolutions. Yeah we all bitch about that film but I still want to watch it sometimes.

Well in just about 2 and a half yours I am going to be getting ready to go to work for two hours. Then I am grabbing my stuff and heading up to see Terri for a couple of days. I am really looking forward to seeing her. It is one of the hardest things to do when I have to leave and come back here.

I don't know what I am going to do. I am not going to say it here but something is troubling me. I only hope I can figure out what I am supposed to do and which path I am supposed to take.

Now on to more interesting things. The Christmas party was GREAT. I received a present from both Ben and Neil. Which threw me cause I thought the whole idea of the not so secret Santa was to alleviate us from buying something for everyone. Oh well it just means that I have to stealthily buy stuff over the next year and surprise all of you..HA!

On a downer note I screwed up and misread something which lead me to buy a...not bad gift but superfluous gift which was re-gifted back to me. Not what I had planned in the least little bit and it really ticked me off. No it was not his fault nor was I pissed off at him, I was pissed off at myself for not remembering that he got it last year and for not reading the post correctly. It was just awkward and to be honest, shameful.

Yes I know that YOU said it was ok. I know that you don't care about those kind of things. It just bothers me.

but fear not quaint citizen I do not speak of dispair or depression. No I have a PLAN (be afraid be very afraid Matt has a plan!)

Oh yes I will redeem myself for my faux pas (Yes it may be French but I like this one so it can stay, besides I just look at it as...French Canadian so it is harmless) and it will be GLORIOUS!!!

Oh my it appears that time has flown again whilst I type away. Have so much to do I must away with myself and pack for this amazing trip. Oh did I mention I get presents again...oh um well that can be taken in a couple of ways...AND I PLAN TO!!!!

I am sooooo naughty! I love it

I LOVE YOU TERRI!!!!

May the Force be with you

Excelsior!!!

Matt-Man Vs. The Managizer Sisters

Hail and well met

Well it has come to this. No matter what I am leaving Crete Post Office as soon as I get past my 90 days. I am currently down to 58 days left on my probation.

The Managizer Sisters mentioned in the title are the two wonderful people that run the Crete Post Office. Why am I at odds with them.

They have me working on CHRISTMAS DAY!!!!!

Now I may have mentioned that I am working on Christmas Eve before and I am ok with that. Then Wednesday I get a call from Crete telling me "The schedule has changed and you are working Saturday, Sunday and MONDAY." Not even a "sorry to screw you" or "I know this sucks but there is nothing we can do" no I just get the attitude that since they said it I should do it. Well in this case I have to but what they don't realize is that by doing this to me they have expunged any remorse or guilt about screwing them by transferring over to Matteson. Anyone willing to work for those two needs their head examined and maybe even meds.

So to say that I was furious is an understatement. I have to say that no one or nothing has ever gotten me to the point of wishing to do real bodily harm to them, but they have. Well I am over it and am better for it. Now I am just cold and calm inside when it comes to them.

Oh and I found out I don't have to answer my cel phone when they call...EVER. In fact from what I found out they really don't have the right to have my number. Well I hope they enjoyed the three times I came in and helped them, cause it is the last time. If Sue needs help then I will answer but no more covering their asses when they sit on them until far to late when they should be fixing a problem.

Enough of that and of them. They are not even worth any more typing.

So this weekend will be fun. There is the party on friday and the gathering on Saturday. Sunday I am spending with my Family (since I cannot head up to Terri's GRRRRR) and then after working on Monday I am heading up. I plan on staying up at her place until late Wednesday night before I head back cause I am working for my buddy Jim at Matteson both Thrusday and Friday.

Now I haven't heard anything about next week so who knows they may want me to work on New Years Eve and Day. Well I hope they understand if I show up with a hangover cause I ain't foregoing getting blasted at that party.

Hopefully after New Years things will settle down and I can start getting back ot usual habits. You know painting, gym, writing and many other things.

Well I have shot my wad. Not much new or truly exciting but then I cannot be the brightest candle every time, lest I burn out.

May the Force be with you

Excelsior!!!

Matt-Man in Transition

Hail and well met

Well as you have noticed by now things have changed around here. I swithced over to the Beta Blogger thingy and renamed my Blog once again. I figured it was time to embrace being Matt-Man a little more then I have been. I mean really what is the point of being a super-hero if you don't flaunt it just a little.

Well working my ass off at the post office just took on a different meaning. I have dropped below 280 for the first time since I started losing weight. Now I know that someone out there is struggling with their weight and I will say this to them.

Don't loose heart and get all down on yourself. Things like this are a challenge and most importantly they didn't happen over night so don't go expecting to change them overnight either. I will stand by you and help if I can in your endeavor to loose those unwanted inches.

So I am working on Christmas Eve. Yeah it sucks big donkey balls. But I am getting paid so it is all...good. Well just except the part where I was supposed to go and see Terri for Christmas Eve. I may still make the trip. I really do love her so much it hurts sometimes.

The 37 inch games party is this friday and I am looking forward to it. I cannot get trashed or anything since I have to work saturday but I can still have a great time.

Hmmm seems a little boring for a post but not much is happening right now.

So on that note

May the Force be with you

Excelsior!!!

Matt-man Recants and Reorganizes

Hail and well met

Well first off let me just say that I don't think I will be belly aching anytime soon. After the day I had yesterday I won't ask the question "Can it get any worse?" ever again. The reason is that it did get worse, real worse. I won't go into details except to say that Crete saw more mail then most of them have seen in a LONG time and since many of them are 10+ year veterans that is saying something. Not to mention the 40+ packages that I was supposed to take. Well long story short I got some help but still didn't start driving the route until 1:50. The good news is that I got it done in just over 3 hours. Now they did take the Old folks home off my hands but that only takes like half a case out of four. So although I was exhausted and a little frustrated I was quite pleased with myself and the job I did. Mind you I don't plan on driving myself as crazy every time but now I know I can do it so it is just a matter of time before I get the experience to do it every time without going crazy.

I did go see a movie. It was Flushed Away, that animated film about the rats/mice/cute fuzzy anamorphic rodents and Frogs (both English toads and Frenchmen..I mean frogs...ha same thing!). I have to say that all in all it was a worthwhile experience and I had a good time. Several laughs and a fun story. I know I was alone but I still had a good time. There were some suprises in the voice actors though. Ian Mekellan as the big bad toad, Jean Reno as the French secret agent frog and leader of the Frog men. Hugh Jackman as the lead was also a surprise cause I didn't know that going in and would never have guessed it by the voice.

All in all a good flick and I will probably own it.

Well that is all the time I have here right now. I am off to work out and get this body into better shape. Ha good luck with that.

May the Force be with you

Excelsior!!!

Matt-Man Has One of THOSE Days

Hail and well met

Well the title says it all. Period. Not in a good mood but not depressed, just pissed. Mostly at myself and my inability to get a damn route done in less then 51/2 hours. yes I know I am still learning and don't have all the experiance but that doesn't stop me from feeling that I should be doing better. I just hope that I can destress before tonight or it is going to make for a GREAT day tomorrow, running the other route and all.

Yeah what a belly aching shmuck. I am sure you all deal with worse things every day and I should just shut up. Well for once in my life I don't care about your problems I care about mine. Sorry that was a bit of a bleed over from a family problem. But it is something that I realize I do all to often. I try and fix every one else's problems and keep putting my own on the "Back Burner" because everyone else's problems are way more important then mine. Well I cannot afford to do that any longer. I have to deal with my problems first second and always, cause no one is running to do for me what I do for everyone else. Sorry but the well of human kindness has run dry, and in fact is becoming a black hole that will suck everything into it in an attempt to replace the loss.

Gah I hate being pissed and trying to post a truly positive blog. I should edit what I just typed but then again I think I will let it stand for posterity and all that.

I am not depressed. I am just...tired of all the bullshit. I want people to realize that they are the ones responsible for their happiness, other can help but in the end it is up to everyone individually to be happy. I will reprint here a part of a quotation that gave me great help.


"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

Marianne Williamson

So there it is and I don't plan on elaborating on it. Just wanted to dump some of my baggage here and let all see. Now I am off to shower and then go see a movie BY MY SELF! Which you should know I hate but everyone else is either sick or unavailable so I go alone.

May the Force be with you.

Excelsior!!!

Matt-Man Takes a Breather

Hail and well met

Wow it has been quite a ride as of late. Working almost every day and on the days I don't I usually try and rest. Got paid last week and it was nice...for about two hours until I had paid off my bills and got some much needed maintenance on the Matt-Mobile done and discovered how quickly it all runs away. It was still nice to have it though and get some things done that needed to be done.

I went up and saw Terri this weekend Saturday and Sunday and Monday (It is nice to be able to do that again). It was a lot of fun and I enjoyed it. Any time I get to spend time with my lady is a good thing. She really is the greatest thing in my life right now.

Came home today and ran out to do some Post Office work with my bud Jim at the Matteson Post Office. I will be working there the next three days learning his route so I can cover him when he takes some days off to be with his son over the holidays. Crete is still on Saturday and I am glad to leave it like that until they decide to do more with me cause I ain't volunteering.

People have spoken and I have heard them. I will be working on a All Flesh Idea to run over winter break. That helps as I can then start streamlining my plans for the summer.

Ok well I have to do some other stuff tonight so I am going to head out.

May the Force be with you

Excelsior!!!

Matt-Man Comes Back From The Brink!

Hail and well met

It has been a short time since I last posted, ha that word holds new meaning now doesn't it. In fact I have been posting every day just not here but in Crete and I have been posting mail. HA I slay myself sometimes. Ok enough of the bad plays on words.

In fact I have been working almost every day up and including today. Which was by far the hardest day I have had so far, well not so much in the day itself but the lead up to it. Let me explain.

Shortly after I started my leadership support group went on vacation. The primary carrier went on vacation Tuesday of last week and just got back yesterday, my supervisor was gone since Wednesday till yesterday and the Post Master is still on vacation. So as I was in training I had little feedback from up above letting me know if I was doing a good job or not. I was left to stew in my own mind, which is never a good place to be. All of my life I have always held myself to a higher standard then those that were over me and this was no different. When Sue and my supervisor came back yesterday I was expecting to be told "Thanks for nothing have a good day" or at least get a good talking to because in my opinion I had done a lousy job. I didn't think that I was fast enough and was forgetting tons of important things.

Well no big surprise they were ok with the job I had done. Today I was to do the entire route with Sue riding with me to evaluate me. That stressed me so much. Driving for me is something I take seriously especially when someone else is in my car, cause it isn't just my life but theirs as well. Now I know I am a good driver but driving on the left side of the car is totally new so yeah it stressed me a lot. I also had my doubts about my in car routine and that it would be ok.

Well as you should know and by now I should as well, everything went great. Sue was happy with the way I did everything and said that she didn't see much that I could do to improve other then gaining experience. So starting Saturday I will be running the route on my own. So I have planned to take some small amount of time to recover and get into the flow before I jump into a new route but I am on my way.

The really strange part about all of this has been that for all my stressing I didn't get overly depressed. I teetered on the edge of despair but something was there to give me both hope and strength to pull through. That would be my more wonderful lady, Terri. Baby I love you so much. I hope I tell you enough that you mean the world to me. Thank you for being there for me and I hope that I am returning the favor (If not then hit me in the head or kick me in the ass cause I am falling down on the job).

So now that I am past all that stupid stressing I can hunker down and prep for Friday, Saturday and Sunday. What is happening on those days you ask? Well Friday is the return of the most awesome campaign I have had the pleasure to run; Iron Kingdoms! Oh yes boys this Friday begins the return to the Roaring Goat. I am getting geeked! Oh man it is in like my pinky!!!!

Saturday and Sunday I am heading up north to visit my lady. Oh baby I'm coming for you! (oops that could be naughty if you take it the wrong way...;) I love you and I am counting the minutes!

So that is all I have to say, oh wait. I get paid Friday! YEAH I get paid!

May the Force be with you

Excelsior!!!

Matt-Man in the Meat Grinder

Hail and well met

WOW WTF!!!

It has been quite a ride since I last posted. I have been working at the Post Office almost every day since. Now I am not complaining cause I am guessing that after next Monday it will be down to the one day a week I am supposed to run the route. It is just that to go from no work to everyday up at 5:30 to be at work at 7 and going nonstop till 3:30, 4:30 and even as late as 5:30 is a bit of a shock to the system. I am still not entirely caught up on life.

I did go to see Terri for Thanksgiving and that rocked, although it was a trial. I was going to head up on Wednesday after work and figured it would be a normal day like it had been. Nope they decided to give me 90% of the route and had me run it off the normal carrier time sheet. I believe that it means that I only get the evaluated time that the route should take, not the actual hours I worked. Now I am not compalining cause it is a good pay for the time put in, I just don't think they will like that I was there from 7 till 5:30 and took almost 5 hours on the route proper. It was quite stressful as I was trying to get done so I could leave and see Terri.

I finally got up to her place at around 8ish and we went out and had dinner. We came back and crashed until the next day. Cut and prepared some pumpkins to make pies with, hung out and then went to her parents for dinner. It was a good meal and it was good to be with her and her family. It was a good Thanksgiving, one of the best I have had for a number of years.

Mostly cause I had more then just my health and friends to be thankful for. Not that they are not good things to be thankful for but after awhile it seems hollow. Well this year I added two things. One of course is my beautiful sexy lady Terri and the other is my job.

I could never have expected to find someone so smart, fun, strong, understanding, patient and beautiful who so totally love me for who I am. I am the luckiest man on this planet and I don't exaggerate. Not to say you all haven't found your luck in your partners but this is me we are talking about. You know the man that could need only roll a 2 or better on a D20 and manage every time to roll a 1. But all that has changed now and I am thankful for having her in my life. I cannot thank the Man upstairs for sending her my way. I guess waiting 36 years paid off in spades (I still don't quite know where that comes from or what it means exactly).

My job is...Well my job. It is a paycheck and should allow me to do some things I have been waiting to do that have not been possible whilst broke.

So here I sit. Tired both physically and mentally but at the same time I feel quite content and happy. I know that in time all things are possible, well that and the Force being with me.

Ok well I am quite tired and I don' t want to start rambling aimlessly.

voices scream off screen "TOO LATE!"

Ha very funny. Eat me!

So on that note I am out of here.

May the Force be with you

Excelsior!!!

Matt-Man - Unleashed

Hail and well met

Well as you probably have figured out at this moment I have tossed out the template I was using. I figured out that no one could comment at all. I tried to figure out the coding for putting them back but all I did was make things a little crazy. I am not giving up though, just need to be able to get any feedback you all leave me. So for the time being I will be using one of the standard templates from Blogger.

Yeah I know who give a rats ass. It is just a blog, but I look at it as an learning experience. So let me have my delusions, ok.

Anyway on to more important news. I have as of today worked four days consecutively at the Post Office. Two of those days I was out on my own driving a part of the route. Yes all by my lonesome.

I like it, which seems to puzzle my coworkers. But like most situations I realize that half of the problem is your point of view and the other is the reality of the situation. Which is not so hot.

The two managerial positions in the office are held by people that at first glance appear to be knowledgeable and competent. Then you watch them work and see what they do, or don't do and their ignorance becomes apparent. They seem prone to micromanagement and are driven to control every thing. In the process they overlook some rather simple managerial duties that would normally get people in trouble. Like...I don't know, making sure to PAY YOUR NEW GUY!

Yeah I am going to have to remind them on Monday that I should have a paycheck for all the training I have done. In fact I am depending on it to keep my car running, an important part of doing my job. Now this is the first time in my life that I have had to chase after management to get paid and it seems that this is the only place that it is a problem. I have been told by more then one person that I should watch my hours cause they love to forget days you work. Oh trust me I am watching them like hawks. I may take my job seriously and I know it must be done, but in no way am I giving up my paycheck.

So all in all it is fun. Casing the mail (sorting it) is kind of like a memory game and I take some enjoyment from it. The driving part is...strange. I can do it with not much problem but it just takes a lot out of me. Which is funny cause everyone else says the casing is harder for them and driving is the easiest. But then again I am no mere mortal....

I AM MATT-MAN!!!

On some other fronts I am going up to Terri's parents for Thanksgiving. I am also thinking about making a trip up there the following weekend. As I get my work schedule worked out I am going to be returning to the gym. With the onset of capitol liquidity I hope to resume some of my usual habits, but I am giving up several. I do have some bills to pay off and I have to do it. All in all I am doing well.

Oh and for everyone to remember and hopefully show up I AM STARTING IRON KINGDOMS A WEEK FROM THIS FRIDAY!

I had intended to start last Friday but between starting work and fighting off a pseudo cold I was glad that everyone seemed to forget my announcement. But don't do it this time! I mean it! Friday the 1st of December Iron Kingdoms starts again!!!

ALL HAIL THE ROARING GOAT!!

Ok well that is all the time I really have for today. I hope to post more soon,

May the Force be with you

Excelsior!!!

Matt=Man Mixes It Up

Hail and well met

Well as you can see I have made some changes here at the Closet of Lost Dreams. Tried my hand at altering a template a little to fit my style a little more. Still working on it so let me know what you think.

I start at the Post Office tomorrow. Oh and to answer the question posed in a comment, it pays by the hour.

Well I have tons of things to get done before tomorrow so I am out of here.

May the Force be with you

Excelsior!!!

Matt-Man Recieves His Orders

Hail and well met

Ok so today I finished up Carrier Academy. I am now qualified to sort and deliver mail. Woot!

I start working next Wednesday at 7:00 AM. I should be in for three days of on the job training and after that I am on my own. Now according to the instructors we should not be surprised if we work only our one day. It is complicated but there are different routes and some of then only have one day off every two weeks while others are every week and some even have no days off. Sucks for them. As far as I know Crete has the one day a week routes mostly. So I will have at least one day a week. Now understand that I am fine with that to begin with so I can ease into the process. But believe me that once I get the hang of doing the sorting at the office and get to know the area I am going to be learning my two other routes as soon as possible and as soon as possible after that I am going to be offering my services to several other Post Offices. If I play my cards right I will be able to pull down four or five days a week. The great thing is this I ONLY HAVE TO WORK DAYS MY PRIMARY CARRIER IS OFF OR SICK OR ON VACATION.
That means that unless they are calling me in for him/her I can refuse with no problem. I can control my work schedule and that is something I have to say makes me happy. Now I am in control and it feels good again.

So I am off till next Wednesday and I will know more from there.

I have a ton of things lined up for me to get done between now and then. It seems funny that I had all that time to get things done but not until this was resolved could I seem to be able to do most of it without getting a splitting headache and stomach pains. Must have to do something with my Subconscious or some other hidden part of my sick little mind.

Ok well this is just a sort of quick post to let every one know where I stand. I will post again soon and maybe even try out a little fiction.

I SAID FICTION NOT FRICTION!....What a buch of sickos. Yeesh!

May the Force be with you

Excelsior!!!

Matt-Man Gets Surveyed...

Hail and well met

Well it has been a short while since I posted something completely useless and frivolous. So here is my entry in "Most useless entry of the Year award". Enjoy.

An Adult Survey - Be honest.
If you aren't honest, then what is the point?
Fill it out and re-post as a bulletin. Have fun.

I'm not much of a bar person

6) Thrown up from drinking too much?
No not yet but my life is young

7) Had sex in a car?
no yet but one never knows

8) Had sex in a park?
No but see above

9) Had sex in a movie theater?
Hell no. Not against it but I usually want to see the movie… I mean I paid for it and well I am going to leave it at that

10)Had sex in a bathroom??
Public- Not on a bet but Home(hers) yes and it was quite clean.

11) Had sex at work?
Hmmm I wouldn’t be against it but no

12. have u ever been in an adult store?
Not yet but one never knows

13) Ever bought anything in an "adult" store?
not yet but again who knows

14) Have you ever paid more than 100.00 in adult store?
No and I don’t know what you could spend…Oh wait I don’t want to know

15) Is there someone you wish you never had sex with?
Nope wanted it with every last one…Oh wait it has only been one and I wanted it…A LOT!

16) Is there someone you wish you could have had sex with?
sorry nope I got the one I want

17) Is there anyone on your friends list you wish you could have sex with?
I don’t have to wish.

18) Is there anyone on your friends list you have had sex with?
Oh yes and it was amazing!>
19) Have you ever kissed a stranger
I don’t think so. But aren’t we all strangers until we know each other?

20) Have you ever had a one night stand?
Nope never came up

21) Does anyone have naughty pics of you?
Nope but she hasn’t asked for a photo shoot…at least not yet

22) Have you ever been to a swingers club/party?
No and since I don’t want every disease on the planet I don’t think I will

I've come to realize that my ex...
Doesn’t exist

2. I am listening to...
Music…Evanescence, Lose Control from The Open Door.

3. I talk...
so little that at time I can seem like a ghost and some time try to talk as fast as I think.

4. I love...
Terri.

5. My best friends...
are some of the best parts of me.

6. My first real kiss...
took place on May 28/29 in Bills brothers room.

7. I lost my virginity...
with the perfect person.

8. I hate it when people...
aren’t patient

9. Love is...
something I thought I would never find.

10. Marriage is...
not a piece of paper.

11. Somewhere, someone is thinking...
of doing to me the things I am thinking of doing to them.

12. I'll always...
be me.

13. I have a secret crush on...
nobody cause they all know how I feel... Wait sorry I forgot that Jillian Anderson doesn’t know how I feel about her… Sorry Terri but you have Johnny I have Jilly.

14. The last time I cried was because...
I couldn’t make it better.

15. My cell phone...
is more like a complicated pager right now.

16. When I wake up in the morning...
I want to find her here and when I do it is wonderful.

17. Before I go to sleep at night...
I take pain pills.

18. Right now I am thinking about...
Ha this survey, Terri and that my cell phone is going off and why is my Dad calling me at home on my cell phone?

19. Babies are...
something I never thought I wanted until I met Terri.

20. I get on myspace...
a lot less now then I did.

21. Today I...
typed a lot of things in my computer, including this survey.

22. Tonight I will...
go to sleep missing Terri.

23. Tomorrow I will...
go to Lemont to start Carrier Collage.

24. I really want...
to get paid.

25. The person most likely to repost this is...
Jillian Anderson (Hey I can dream can’t I) Ok Terri (I don’t have to dream with you baby, although you are in most of them ROWRR). Ok well there it is. Yup probably not what you wanted to see or hear in your lifetime, but hey its my blog so MEH. I had some fun doing them so at least I hope that they can solicit a laugh...
OH HELL the sign says no soliciting, I am so screwed.

May the Force be with you

Excelsior!!!

Matt-Man makes the Grade

Hail and well met

Well it is finally official with no signs of them changing their minds or trying to call do over. I am a Federal employee in the Post Office. WOW it only took me almost a year.

Oh I should clarify something. They did try and pull something similar to last time. In short I thought I was hired by Matteson since they kept in touch with me and communicated. What a concept. Well I get almost done with orientation and I get paper word that indicates that I am Rural Carrier Associate in Crete. I asked and they once again said that was the information that they had on hand.

Not willing to make the same mistake I got hold of Carmen at the Matteson Post Offcie and told her the story. She called the Bedford park office and left a message for the person in charge. I went home pending her calling me back once she got the call back and the information. I wasn't home more then 25 minutes when Crete calls wanting to know what up. I asked the lady if they had hired me and she said yes. Well that was the first I had heard of it but since I wanted the job and now that I knew I took it. I mean it is better money and a real job. So after several calls it was all straightened out and I go to carrier collage (or academy which ever is in favor right now) starting next Monday thru Wednesday in Lemont Illinois. Then I start at Crete.

Ok well that is out of the way. I am employed and that is the big hurdle.

Of course good news is always followed by bad, it is just the way of this imperfect world. Wednesday I learned that following a series of events between Jen and the people she is living with she is/was going to return home. It is tearing her and Ben to pieces cause they really love each other. I can relate in some small way with the situation with Terri. But being the kind of guy that I am I had to try and think of a solution. I had some ideas but they needed outside input before I could offer them.

So after calling Terri and talking to her last night telling her all about the situation she came to the same conclusion that I did. She is looking for a roommate and has a available vehicle that could be used. Thus I am trying to get a hold of Jen or Ben to get the ball rolling cause there is a lot of details that must be covered before this either is shelved or becomes reality. So if anyone reads this and can get a hold of Jen PLEASE DO. This is important and if it wasn't for my lack of gas and my desperate need for it next week I would just make a run out the loft. DAMN GAS EATING CARS!

Ok well in other news I am working on a couple of ideas concerning my WOD adventure that I lost when my comp crashed and my hard drive got fried. There are some rather interesting coincidences with my research. But anyway I do hope to run it some time. First I have to get some better idea of the social ecosystem of the early 1900's. If anyone has a simple resource that I could look at with my mind like a really smart and talented bowl of rancid banana pudding that used to be deviled ham please let me know where it is.

Ok well I am going to be posting a couple surveys here and on myspace soon. I have been a little remiss as far as my written adventures of Matt-Man on my myspace blog so maybe I will script one of those today...Oh yeah you don't know. I am off since I don't need to know how to drive one of those funky postal trucks, I am driving my own vehicle. Yeah for unclunky minivan with radio and CD playing ability.

That about raps it up for this installment. Not much more damage I can do around this popsicle stand.

Again if anyone knows how to get a hold of Ben or Jen PLEASE DO SO AND TELL THEM TO CONTACT ME ANYWAY POSSIBLE.
My cell phone (or my really complex pager) 312-320-0839
My home phone (which is my internet connection so call my cell first so I can get off line)
708-747-4630
My email is xens@gmail.com, xens2003@yahoo.com
comments on this blog work as do messages to myspace.

I am out of here.

May the Force be with you

Excelsior!!!

Matt-Man Blathers

Hail and well met

Just dropping in for a quick post.

The "service engine soon" light came back on. So there is still a ghost in the system.

Other then that nothing to report. Role played tonight for the first time in too many months. It felt good and I realized how much I missed it. I also really want to get back to painting and playing. Just don't feel right unless I am tossing pewter and dice on a table.

Ok well that about ends it.

May the Force be with you

Excelsior!!!

It's 3:30, Do You Know Where Your Matt-Man Is?

Hail and well met

Just sitting here waiting for the Matt-Top to finish updating. Stupid Microsoft!

I wouldn't wait but I have to keep an eye on it otherwise it does dumb things. Like randomly deciding to disconnect whilst in the middle of the update, or these little windows open up by the veritable thousands and cause a system crash.

So here I sit. I want to go to sleep. Ah well.

May the Force be with you

Excelsior!!!

P.S. Oh by the way the car is all fixed up. For those that have riden in the Matt-Mobile this will mean something. The "check engine light" is finally off. Yeah and there was joy!

Matt-Man Falls Down, But Gets Up With Help From Father

Hail and well met

The title sound somewhat more dramatic then it really is.

This morning I was supposed to give my father a lift from the mechanics shop back home. Well my alarm clock did not work correctly and I didn't get up on time. When I did he was still home and I, being half asleep hurriedly got dressed and ran down to let him know that I was still going to do it. He had just left so I followed him, rushing as a half asleep idiot would.

Now let me say that I didn't get in an accident or get hurt. Just thought I would clear that up before anyone got the wrong idea.

As I was speeding down the street I came to a stop light and as I started to accelerate from it the Matt-mobile started to vibrate. I knew that feeling from when I had the Pinto. I had lost a cylinder. Now there are several reasons for that to happen but at the time I was not thinking best case scenario. I was just pissed that it had happened less then 24 hours after getting my notice. Between the feeling of letting my father down and the car starting to have trouble I was in a sorry state. But I digress, I got to the mechanics place only to find that my father had gotten a ride from one of the employees. This only managed to infuriate me as now I felt that none of this would have gone wrong if he had just left me a note.

So this in mind I struggled home with the car wobbling all the way. As I pulled in my father was sitting in his other van getting ready to take off. I pulled in and he got out. I lost all semblance of composure. I asked him if the heard the car, screaming all the way. He said yes. I responded, still in 5 year old mode that it had just started and told him thanks. I turned and headed up to the house. Now I figured that he took off as the last thing I saw was him returning to his van.

I hit the porch and tried to get the key in the lock. I was shaking so that was more then I was capable of doing. I slammed the keys on the porch and ended up kneeling on the steps sobbing. To say I had broken down was a bit of a under statement. Everything was crashing in. The hopes of the new job were slipping away. My future was moving past the horizon and the darkness was creeping in. I was ready to just give up. Which is a big deal for me. I remember asking no one in particular one question "What more do you want from me?".

Then my father put his hand on my shoulder and told me to stand up. Not in an authoritative "do or else" kind of way but in a way that I have not heard from him in a long time. We went back to his van and he took me to breakfast. I don't remember much of the trip there. He told me that we were going to take the car over to the mechanics and get it fixed. I would have to arrange some kind of payment plan but knowing our mechanic that would not be a problem. He seemed positive and supportive. I don't know if I have ever seen that from him like that. I cannot begin to express how it my feeling about him change.

Well not wanting to go into that I will say that my car is almost done and I will be picking it up soon. I will make it to the orientation on Monday and I will be working by next Saturday.

I just had to put this in here so it was on public record.

My Father has re-earned my respect.

I love you Dad!

Thanks for being there for me when I fell down.

May the Force be with all of you

Excelsior!!!

Matt-Man Gets the Notice

Hail and well met one and all

As you can tell I am in a real good mood. Well I should be I just got the notice that I start orientation at the Bedford Park facility next Monday and I will start working at the Mateson post office the following Saturday. WOOOOT!!!!!!!

It seems that I didn't need to take another drug test so I was immediately put in the queue for orientation. I am so happy to be no longer among the ranks of the unemployed.

I have had to put so much of my life on hold while worked this out that now I find that I don't now what to start with. Well I will have to make a list and start with the first thing and work my way through them one at a time.

But first I plan on celebrating this turn of excellent events. I don't know when or where but you can bet you bottom that you are all invited to this most excellent party.

As soon as I have any idea what I plan on doing I will let one and all know right here on this blog. So stay tuned for updates.

Well that is all I have right now. Not much else since I last posted. I keep hearing that there might be problems starting up Iron Kingdoms...HA I say to all of you! I will not be deterred (especially not now when I am on a indescribable high)

Oh and I should mention that I have the most wonderful woman in the world standing by my side during all of this!

Terri I love you!!! You sexy kitten you!

Without your love and support I would not have remained sane during this trial. You have been the true light at the end of my tunnel. I don't know if you can understand how much you mean to me but know this I am never giving up on making a life with you. The road to our future starts now.

I am listening to an album given to me by Nicky, whom I believe got it from Joe(or vice versa). Right now I am listening to DJ Markski's version of "You spin me right round". I know now that feeling that is described in the lyrics, cause I feel that way about you Terri. There are a number of other songs that I could reference that express the way you make me feel but I will save those for a more personal message between the two of us.

Oh and I don't care if everyone reads this cause I want them to know I how I feel about you. If they don't like it they can go shove their heads in a can of rancid lard...But I know that my friends, most of them will smile and say "Good for him" or "I am happy for him, other will shake their heads saying "Man has he got it bad".

Maybe I do but if this is bad then baby dress me in black and call me Darth Matticus! Dark side all the way baby!

Ok well now I have said all I can say except for...

May the Force be with you all

Excelsior!!!!

Matt-Man Returns...Again!

Hail and well met!

Well I have finally come back to Blog! Can you SMELL WHAT MATT-MAN IS COOKING!!!

.........Wait....OH DAMN I left the stove on!!!

Ha lol that was good. I just had to do it.

Ok well it should be obvious that I am in a good mood. Well mostly but I may get to that if I choose to.

The week with Terri was in a word AMAZING!!! (Props to Ace)

We did a whole lot of stuff together (wink wink nudge say no more). No silly it was a lot of stuff around her house that needed to be done. Well it also included two concerts. Again I will get to those later. We also helped the Jaycees with their scene for the Lyndenhurst Haunted trails which was fun, although it rained it out. I got to spend a load of quality time with both my lady and Grizzly, you know her dog. (god you people have sick minds).

OH yeah we also spent some time splitting wood....For her fireplace! (people please get you mind out of the gutter)that was fun as I had not done it for several years. In fact it was up at the cabin in northern Michigan in the early or mid 80's. So yeah a "few" years. HA

Well I am back now and here is where things stand.

I am going to be working for the Matteson Post Office in a few weeks. All that I am waiting on is for them to reschedule me to take a drug test (God that is the third one so far and I am sick of waiting for an hour or two to pee in a cup)since they only last for 30 days in the system. Once that is done I have to wait for them to reschedule me for orientation...Yes I have to take it again. Woopie! Three more days of running up to Bedford Park to do everything I have already done. I think I may sit in the back of the class this time and catch up on my sleep. I mean really people I just went through it less then three months ago. Have they totally redesigned it in that time? I don't think so! Oh well at least I get paid.

On a more personal note I am going to be starting up my Iron Kingdoms campaign again this Saturday if possible. I have found some notes and can reconstruct most of what was lost when the computer went down. So get ready cause the Roaring Goat is about to reopen for business...And business is GOOD!

Ok so about he concerts. The first on was on Tuesday at the Riviera. It was awesome. Their opening band was called Revelation Theory and they rocked. I like bands that involve the audience and openly admit that they are there because the fans come out. It is nice to see stars with humility. Anyway it was a real good time...Well except for the cost of parking. Try 30 freaking dollars! What the frell is that! The Tickets didn't cost that much. It really bothered me cause Terri had to cover it. I know that it bothered her but we had a good time anyway. I still feel bad about it though. All in all it was a good time and I would do it again. Amy Lee is an excellent performer and I didn't know that she plays the piano. Oh yeah one other thing I like concerts that I can understand the singing (well mostly) and that I don't leave with hearing damage.

Now the second one was the Iron Maiden concert at the All State arena. Ah remembering the days of wrestling shows. I had just been there for the Wolves game on Saturday. It was fun but not a huge hockey fan. Anyway got there and found our seat after passing the souvenir stand...STICKER SHOCK! It seemed like yesterday that concert tees cost something like 20 or 25 dollars...Oh wait it was yesterday at the other concert. The cheapest tee was something like 35 dollars and went up to 50. So we got to our seats and heard the last song from the opening band Bullet For My Valentine. Glad that we missed them cause they did nothing for me. Not saying they were bad but not for me. Then Iron Maiden came out and sang every song from their new album, not exactly what I was expecting. I mean I like them but I had not really heard the new album so I had a hard time following the songs. I understand the logic in it as they wanted to give the fans the new stuff. I just didn't get excited until they started the second set of six songs from their old stuff. Well that and when Eddie made his appearance. For those that don't know Eddie is their mascot of sorts. He is the center piece of their album art a some what dead looking guy in various states of existence. I won't go into all of it but just take a look at the albums too see what he looks like. All in all it was fun and I had a good time hanging with my lady.

Ok so I also mentioned that I am slightly bummed. I don't want to go into it in any detail but I will sum up. I am bothered by the fact that I now live two lives. The one that I have down here with all my friends and the one that I have with Terri. I have to find a way to reconcile them and make them one. The problem is that right now I don't see how that is possible. Terri keeps telling me that it will take time and I know that she is right. Thank God for her cause it wouldn't take much for me to fall into depression over this. I just have to be patient and let everything fall into place. It is just not cool. I want to be with her, but if I walk away from everything down here then I will not be the same person that I am right now. Like I said it is just weighing on my mind a soul right now.

Ok well that is all I have to say right now. I am working on a new project and when it is ready I will share it will all. I am also going to be doing some heavy work with the guys in Missouri in the hopes of getting my games made and out there.

Hope to see all sooner or later. Also hope that all is well with everyone. Thanks for being my friends and being their for me. I only hope that I am their for you as well.

May the Force be with you all

Excelsior!!!

Matt-Man Elaborates

Hail and well met

To respond to my previous posts single comment. The Matt-Top is the lap top that Matt-Man uses. It is a marvelous piece of technology. Ah technology, without it we would all be eaten by the predators (thanks Jack for that bit of whimsy logic).

Oh and Joe I do respond to my Emails. But when you ask me for something that I used in the days of 3D and given that I just remodeled the Matt-Cave (my room for Joe) it is going to require an act of God to find that particular piece of paper. Now as I know you don't have the time to fill out the needed papers in triplicate to have God step in and make it appear I am working on recreating it. So be patient.

Oh yeah and since I had to reformat the Matt-Top yet again cut me some slack. I hate viruses. Especially the one called "Klone". Cause it is the cause of this reformat. Nothing I could do would get rid of it and it was killing my laptop.

The real pain is that with the slow as connection that I have trying to update windows is almost impossible. By the time it even comes close to completing an update I already have something eating at my system. GAH it is so damn frustrating!

Oh and don't even mention "Service Pack 2". I don't have 14 hours for it to down load. What a bright idea. Lets make an important update that anyone using anything less then high speed greesed lightning conection cannot upload without devoting have a day or so. SCHMUUCKS!

OH well it is just the same for cassetes. Yeah I know that some of you are going "What are those?". Trust me one day your kids will be shoving chips in their brains and you will remember CD's and DVD's with fond memories. Yeah and you will feel old too. HA!

So I have also been trying to update Terri's old comptuer. It is a HP Pavillion 4530 with Windows 98 on it. Well the BIOS is not APCI or ACPI or AICP compatible so I cannot put Windows 2ooo pro on it. I tried to find an updated BIOS but no luck. So left with that I tried to load Windows Office 2000 but something went wrong and I don't know if it was just the computer or if they are not compatible. Either way it would be nothing more then a glorified word processor with its whoping 4 gig hard drive. Yeah remember when that was HUGE? Damnit I feel so damn old. I can remember when 3.5 floppy's were the new kid on the block.

So what is this post about? Well just venting some steam over the waste of a day trying to improve my technological state.

Oh well I have the joy of knowing that several of the collage bound 37 inchers will be in town tomorrow and I will be spending most of the day at the loft painting. Then Saturday I go up to see Terri, her dad and a wolves game. Then spend a week or more there while she is on vacation.

Ah I am so looking forward to that.

Ok well I am looking at the time and I need to go to sleep. I will post again tomorrow since I will have access to the Ben-tron 10000 (Bens computer at the loft Joe). I may try and up load a picutre or two if I can get things to work.

May the Force be with you

Excelsior!!!

PS Joe I will be sending you my best recreation of that thingy soon.

The Matt-Cave is reborn

Hail and well met!

Well it is mostly finished. After two weeks of grueling, nerve racking effort it has come together.

I will post pictures as soon as I get the Matt-Comp back online. The Matt-Top just doesn't like the picture software.

For all those that have been looking for me I apologize for my absence, but it was unavoidable. I had to focus on finishing this project or it would have ended up like so many others, half done. It is a personality trait that I intend to fix. This is just the beginning and the next thing on the list is less functional and more fun. I intend to get my painting done. I have a TON of figures that I have to finish so that I can return to playing Warmachine and start playing Hordes. And since I don't have a job yet it means that I should be able to get caught up before I do get one and start buying new figures again (ah the lovely cycle of the miniature gamer).

I also have to get cracking on my games again, although it will pick up when I have the Matt-Comp back again.

I have mentioned that twice. Sorry I don't mean to seem to harp on it. In fact when I see Ben I intend to thank him once more for all the effort he has given in fixing it. I know that he is doing it in his free time and using his personal resources.

Ah well it is just as well that I don't have it back or I would spend way to much time online doing blogs and things for Myspace. Damn internet being all distracting and fun!

Well I have also mentioned that I am still employment challenged. I am still in the system with the Post Office and things are looking good, it is just taking so long that by the time the get around to hiring me I may be...Dead. Yeesh. Well if I don't hear anything by this weekend I will do some calling around to see if I can get a handle on what is up.

Ah that brings up an important point. I am going to be up at Terri's next week. She has some vacation time and we are going to be doing some work around her place. We are also taking in some concerts, two to be exact. Evanescence on Tuesday and Iron Maiden on Wednesday. OH and I am attending my first hockey game this Saturday with her and her father. Yes I know that I will be yet again missing Val's game and believe me it is killing me but I really want to spend time with Terri. Oh it is a terrible conflict and since I know that Terri will read this I will say this.

I am choosing to take the time to be with you. Yes my friends are important and I do care about spending time with them, but somehow if I didn't see you when the chance arose I think they would smack me in the head or worse. I love you and you matter to me. Spending time with you is important. I appreciate you caring about me enough to want me to spend time with my friends and being willing to sacrifice our time together to allow that. I promise I will spend time with them, but you come first.

Ok well I think I have jumped the tracks here and the train derailed. So I will let this stand on its own and I should be posting a little more regularly as I can get to the Matt-Top a little easier.

May the Force be with you

Excelsior!!!

Matt-Man Takes to the Keys

Hail and well met

Well not much to post at this moment. Alive and well...Ok so a little under the weather, but who isn't in weather like this.

The room is progressing well. About half done. I like it.

The post office is a exercise in patients.

I am 2 hours away from the love of my life...But that is just relative.

Not depressed but defiantly bummed.

Meh so what.

Just want it to stop raining.

May the Force be with you all

Excelsior!!!

Matt-Man on Many Things

Hail and well met

This is a post in the interim between me getting my room fixed up and my computer getting fixed. And I have a load to cover so lets get started.

First of all I have to comment on the Hand-fasting. It was the most beautiful ceremony/ritual that I have had the pleasure to see let alone be apart in. Mel's dress was perfect. Val was dashing. The weather was comfortable. The fellowship was strong. I cannot say enough about it. The vows spoken between them was moving in a way that still stirs me when I think about it. Ok I have to also say that getting a sword was pretty cool but it pales in comparison to the beauty of the moment. At least it serve as a constant reminder of that day.

Now I will talk about Lothlorian. I had no idea that a place like it existed in this world. It is a place of peace and power. I know that I have not spoken about my walk as a Jedi in awhile and I am sure that some of you had hoped that I had quit that childish shit. TOO BAD. If I have ever been in a place that made me feel closer to the Force I cannot think of it. It was settling for my sport and healing for my soul. Not that it was in bad shape but it still had wounds from years ago. I had accepted them and just learned to deal with the pain or numbness. But enough about me.

The land itself is raw and unfinished. The people are friendly and open. It is a place I could spend many a day just communing with many things. I know that many pagans call it home away from home but I hope they can deal with a non-pagan making regular trips cause I am definitely signing up and going back. I have never slept so well nor drempt so strongly before. Even with being on the ground I didn't feel on tich of stiffness or soreness. Of couse getting to sleep the second night was more difficult then the first. Damn forest noises...;)

I have heard that it is difficult going back to the "mundane" world after being there. I must be dumb or out of touch cause I didn't feel any different then I did. Maybe I am not really getting it, or maybe I already felt the "mundane" world before I arrived so it was just going back to what I am accustom to. Who knows. I do understand the concept of not being able to talk about things like you could there. Hell I have that here with my living conditions. Do you think for one minute that I could ever tell my P's that I am walking the path of the Jedi? OH HELL NO! Can you say intervention? Cause I would be in one faster then a zealot can burn a book...wait wasn't that the Nazi's? Oh yeah that is right they both do it, the zealots just claim that their God told them to do it while the Nazi's said Hitler told them to do it.

Why can't we all just take responsibility for our stupidity and stop trying to blame someone or something else? Oh well I ain't going to start on that rant right now. Too much else to talk about.

So I am back here in the burbs. I haven't seen my lady in FAR too long. That will be fixed this weekend Friday when I see her after the party at Jen's. Then we have the party Saturday and all day Sunday to be together. With breaks to eat and talk and stuff :) I am so bad. But seriously I will be spending some quality time with her. I was planning on heading back home Tuesday with a lunch stop at her office but there is a snag...

I have a second interview with the Crete Post Office!!!!!!!!!!! Oh hell yes!

I know I shouldn't get my hopes but believe me I have a sixth sense about things and I know that I am going to work for the Post Office, it is just a matter of being patient.

So how do I feel right now? Well frustrated is a good place to start. You see I was working on a special project for Terri for her birthday. Well lets just say it fell apart in my hands just over an hour ago. I am not giving up but there is no way that I can hope to finish it by Saturday. It is just a matter of time and there is not enough of it right now. Things take time to dry and harden so it will have to wait. I wanted to have it all done for this weekend but I will have to settle for giving her what I have done so far. Oh well it happens. I will finish it and give it to her later. (oh darn I will have to see her again...Yeah what a shame:)

That is what is up. I know that I am missing stuff but it will have to wait until I have a chance to entangle the thoughts from my head. I know that some are having a difficult time out there, don't hesitate to call me any hour of the day or night. My cell is currently out of time but it works great as a pager and I will call back. My ear is available and my heart is open.

Ok well that is it I am out of here for now.

May the Force be with you

Excelsior!!!

Matt-Man 's a Pirate Matey ARRRR!!!

Hail and well met ARRRR!

Well it be talk like a pirate day me hardy. So here there be pirate talk ARRRR!
It also be the day one fine lass was put apon this here earth. That be Terri Miller ARRR!

So happy Birthday LOVE ARRRR!

And before I be forgetting it here is what my pirate monicker would be if I had one

My pirate name is:

Iron James Rackham

A pirate's life isn't easy; it takes a tough person. That's okay with you, though, since you a tough person. You have the good fortune of having a good name, since Rackham (pronounced RACKem, not rack-ham) is one of the coolest sounding surnames for a pirate. Arr!

Get your own pirate name from piratequiz.com.
part of the fidius.org network

So it be matey. I expects to be see all of ya when ye make port in Lake Villa at the fine establishment of Terri Miller. Don't be late or we'll keelhaul ya ARRRR!

So may the Force be with ye ARRRR!

Excelsior!!!

Matt-Man Takes Off!

Hail and well met

Well the time has come. I am all packed and ready to head out once I have done a couple of last minute things. Like shave and shower LOL.

I won't be posting for a couple of days after I get back as I will be tearing my room apart and with that goes the room to run the computer and such. So feel free to call or something but just don't go sending me an important email cause I ain't gonna get it.

I hope to see everyone at the hand fasting and those that I don't know that my thoughts are with you as well.

Oh hell who am I kidding...Terri I am gonna miss you something terrible. I wish that things were different but they are what they are. I am soooo looking forward to next weekend when I get to see you again. I LOVE YOU SO MUCH THAT IT HURTS SO GOOD!!!!

Ok well that is all I have to say right now. No wait don't anyone forget about next weekend either. I expect to at least hear from people if no see them.

Ok now I am done.

May the Force be with you

Excelsior!!!

Matt-Man Ponders

Hail and well met

What am I pondering?

What to ware. Oh yes it is the eleventh hour and I am still not sure what I am going to ware to Val's and Mel's handfasting. Oh I know that I have been told to ware anything but this is special and I want to dress accordingly. I was working on a special piece of clothing but due to time constraints and my rusty sewing skills I was unable to finish.

I don't know. I am struggling with a great many things I guess and this is but the projected crux of my dilemma.

I really want a good job. I want to find a way to be with my most beautiful girlfriend and keep parts of my life down here. I want to make my games a reality that I can sell and hopefully make a career out of. I want a lot of things but nothing seems to be working out in that area of my life. I don't know what I should do or how I should do the things that will make this happen.

Worst of all... I am getting tired, weary. Down right exhausted. My life is becoming more burden then anything else. As I try and use all the wisdom that I have gleaned over the last few years I am avoiding depression but still it is getting difficult to walk the walk everyday.

Something out there is waiting for something from me. Or at least that is what it feels like. I keep looking over my shoulder expecting to find someone there waiting with a briefcase or something. Or walk into a room that I find and there sits someone behind a desk and says "It took you long enough we have been waiting for you to walk through that damn door forever".

Ha for all of this I know that on a shallow level I am stalling from facing the real problem. No it is not some earth shattering revelation it is much simpler then that. It is this question.

What should I ware to Val and Mel's handfasting?

Yup that is all that it is.

Well with the miracle of modern technology I know that it is supposed to be in the mid to upper 70's this Friday and Saturday and lower 80's on Sunday. So warmer but not really shorts weather. So I can pack for this weekend at least.

Oooooooooo I almost forgot while I was whining. Terri took me out to dinner! Yeah it was awesome! We went to this place called Bob Chin's Crab House. It is a really nice place. Mai tai's were amazing and really strong. Mmmmm booze. The dinner was incredible. A whole lobster and a steak with potatoes, wow it was so good. Although cracking the lobster legs and claws was rather difficult and the sound was somewhat disturbing. But with succulent lobster waiting to be consumed WHO CARES HOW IT SOUNDS!

Thanks again beautiful. I loved it and I love you, you sexy beast!

Ok well there is enough time spent stalling so off to pack for this weekend I go.

May the Force be with you

Excelsior!!!

Matt-Man Soul Search

Hail and well met

Ok so the titles sounds ominous and something like the old days of my posting. Trust me it is not. A friend had this on their blog and I tried it out. Nothing more or less to it then that. So here is the result...

You Are a Prophet Soul

You are a gentle soul, with good intentions toward everyone. Selfless and kind, you have great faith in people. Sometimes this faith can lead to disappointment in the long run. No matter what, you deal with everything in a calm and balanced way. You are a good interpreter, very sensitive, intuitive, caring, and gentle. Concerned about the world, you are good at predicting people's feelings. A seeker of wisdom, you are a life long learner looking for purpose and meaning. You are a great thinker and communicator, but not necessarily a doer. Souls you are most compatible with: Bright Star Soul and Dreaming Soul

What Kind of Soul Are You?

Ok so on to other things. I am going to be heading to the Handfasting and plan on spending the night. That being said I will need to ride with someone cause the Matt-mobile is not really up to a trip of that magnitude at this moment. Nothing wrong but I ain't tempting fate. So anyone that reads this and is going and is planning on spending the night let me know cause I am willing to ride along. Hell I will even throw some witty banter in the deal. Oh did I mention that I also yodel? No I actually meant help drive. I can also throw some small amount towards gas and I do mean little with the current lack of funds and being unemployed and all. So let me know and I will go from there.

Now onto the following weekend and the party up in Lake Villa. If anyone needs a ride let me know cause I am leaving on that Saturday (probably that is) but here is the catch. I probably won't be leaving until Monday or Tuesday. So if I take you up you are going to need a way back down. The train station is nearby so you could do that. Also if you want to take the train up just let me know when you plan on getting in and I will pick you up. As far as directions are concerned...I am working on them. Both a direct route and a less regular path but one that keeps you off the dreaded 294! Which save you somewhere in the neighborhood of 4 bucks with tolls these days.

Please bring any food and booze (Hmmmmm booze) for the party you feel the need or desire to. Entertainment is also up to you. I posted in my last journal about how musical instruments are welcome as well as any flicks or games you all want to play. Of course there will be carousing and if all is dry a fire in the back yard (barring the state of our drunkenness as well).

If you are drinking then know that you are not driving! Period! Tents in the backyard, two couches, a futon and plenty of floor space are available to sleep it off.

Ok well that is all I have to say for now. I will see all one way or another in the next couple of weeks.

May the Force be with you

Excelsior!!!

Matt-Man makes it quick

Hail and well met

Ok here it is in a nutshell. This weekend was amazing. I helped my friend Mike move into his absolutely gorgeous house. Man it is a amazing.

I make the trek up to see my beautiful lady Saturday night and am leaving in just a little bit.

The Ren Fair was cool. Ran into my friend Paul and his wife as well as a few friends. That was nice.

Terri got a migraine which sucked. Not so much that we left but that she was out of it and I could sense the amount of pain she was in.

The party for the 23rd is a go. We will have some food but feel free to bring anything you wish. booze is also something you might want to bring and plan on sharing (it is our birthdays after all) entertainment is up to all of you, musical instruments are welcome but not the loud obnoxious kind (Yeah no bag pipes for me...DAMN). Accommodations are available either in the form of the couches, futon or tents in the backyard. The party starts around 7 in the PM and will continue late into the night, or morning and through Sunday if need be. If someone needs help with transportation please feel free to ask me about it, I am going to be making the drive up so I will have some space for passengers. I am also willing to be the lead for a train if needed or can give directions concerning the trains and will pick anyone up that needs it.

And for those that are 400 miles south don't despair plans are in the works for a road tour sometime in the future. So just hold on to all that party animalism until then. More to come on that as information becomes available.

Ok glad this was a short one. See all soon.

May the Force be with you

Excelsior!!!

Matt-Man rambles

Hail and well met

Well I have the most wonderful woman in the world loving me. I love her will all that I am, was or ever will be. I want to be with her more and more everyday.

I need a job so bad that it hurts. I am will to clean up shit if I can get paid for it. Come on people! What do I have a disease or something? I cannot even get a crappy place like wal-mart or target to hire me (yes I know they are names and should be capitalized but since they won't hire me FUCK THEM).

So here I sit typing on my laptop, cause I don't even have the ability to fix my own computer. I have to dump it on a guy that is in as bad a place as I am...No worse cause he don't have a good woman to keep him going.

I am not depressed but I as sure as hell am getting just a little tired. I don't know what is going on in the universe. I don't get where I am anymore. And certainly I have no clue what direction I am supposed to be going in cause it appears that I am doing little more then running in circles.

Hey I have my health and my car is running. So all in all I really ain't trying to complain just lay all my snakes in a row. I know that all thing come to those who wait but DAMN!

Terri I love you so much. I will make you proud of me, I promise. You are the number one thing in my life.

I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ok well time for updates. I am home as you can tell. I am heading back up to Terri's Sunday in preparation for our second trip to the Ren Fair on Monday. Anyone is welcome to come along but everything is regular price. Also you might need to arrange for your own rides as I am heading up early.

Next week is going to be full of re-applying to every little shit hole I have already applied at. I only hope this time someone bites or maybe I need to be the one doing the biting? I can see it now..

MAN BITES BOSS!

DOGS CLAIM UNION CONTRACT VIOLATIONS!

Ray Sinaleg member of the local K-905 said that such a thing is just what to expect from the Homo-sapien community. "We have to put up with infractions like this all the time. You would think that "Sapes"(Homo-sapiens) would figure out that WE are the ones with the biting contracts in this city. It just goes against the grain to have some two legger putting the chomp on another one of their kind. If the man in question had just checked at the local office I am sure that we could have hooked him up with a perfect fit for his biting needs. Now those lawyers have to get involved and we all know what cat-tastrophe that is going to be." Mr.Sinaleg also made referance to the mythical "Man Bites Dog" story that keeps circulating. "You see how it starts? Just some mutt trying for a gag and what happens? You get humans biting other humans for real, none of that sex stuff."

So there it is a bit of fun from the mind of a compete mad man...No wait that is supposed to be Matt-Man, yeah right that's the ticket.

OH yes there is one more bit of news.

ON SATURDAY SEPTEMBER 23 AT THE CASA DE TERRI IN LAKE VILLA THE MOST ULTIMATE BIRTHDAY BASH WILL TAKE PLACE. COMBINING THE BEST THAT THE EARTH HAS TO OFFER BOTH MATT AND TERRI WILL BE CELEBRATING THEIR BIRTHDAYS TOGETHER! SO COME ONE COME ALL TO THIS AMAZING EVENT...PLEASE!!!!!

More on this as soon as it is available. If you have any ideas yourself please make them known to Matt & Terri care of this blog or via emails if you have them. Of course calling still works (most of the time when I have minutes to use to answer my damn phone).

Ok well that is all the damage that I can do at this popsicle stand. Catch you later.

May the Force be with you

Excelsior!!!

Matt-Man and Epiphanies and Apologizes

Hail and well met

Well as the title says this post is about two different things. The epiphanies will come later for now it is time to apologize for something.

Ben, Val, Mel, Todd, Tadd, Kelsey and whom ever else is in Fading Suns I apologize for not being there last night. I also apologize for not calling anyone concerning my absence. It has been an difficult time up here, wrestling with issues that pertain to the future and the present. In all honesty even if I had come home I don’t know that I would have played simply because I have a lot to think about.

Firstly the post office has not called or written me. It is obvious that I am not getting hired. I don’t understand why this is but the truth is simply that it is. So when I get back in town I will swallow my pride and my hopes and apply at the retail hives of scum and villainy again. It will be just awesome to be working in retail again for a large company and in doing so be nothing more then a drone. OH JOY! All this and minimum wage too?! How can I contain myself? YEAH if you take any of that seriously then you need help. It was the last place that I wanted to work but it seems the only damn place that I will find work. OK so maybe not the only place but really who wants to see me in a pasty? Besides I don’t do poles so well anymore. Ha Ha!

No really it is just that any others jobs that I find that I might be able to do are both far away from my home and here. In the end I just don’t know if it is worth it to chuck everything I have just for a few bucks. Yes I know I have bills to pay and damnit I intend to pay them, but why cannot I also have a real job that helps me build a future as well? Is that some unwritten law? Ah what does it matter. I will do what has to be done and that is that. Hey what is the worst that can happen? Oh yeah that whole losing myself in the damn job thing…but the bills get paid so that is what is important…RIGHT.

Enough of that let me get down to the epiphanies that I spoke of earlier.

Ok so this week I have been watching far more TV that I usually do. Wow now I know why I don’t watch it much anymore. It just shows me how far we have really fallen. Ok for starters let me address the most worthless shows to embarres the little screen.

REALITY TV SHOWS.

I have never liked them nor will I ever like them. They are a farce of Shakespearean proportions and only show off the worst that our society has to offer. The leading craptacular example of this is one of the first, Survivor. First off this show is a fraud. These people are in no real danger, cause right there is a fully operating film crew that sure as hell is not eating grubs…not that the contestants are eating grubs either. I am also sure that there is no lack of water or medical facilities on site either. So in the end what danger does our interped band of “Survivors” surviving? Oh right a set of physical challenges and getting voted off…PLEASE! What a load of crap-olla.

Well if I didn’t like the show now, I sure as hell think it has sunk to a new low. This season (which is already in the can in case you didn’t realize how TV works) will center around separating teams based on , get this….RACIAL LINES. Oh yeah what a brilliant idea this is. Oh I am sure that the producers loved the pitch which I can only see going something like this…”Well see we have all contestants there and for a social experiment we will have them take teams with people just like them, you know color and all that. It will be great cause we can increase viewer-ship among the racial motivated segment of society as well as the lagging Asian market not to mention the growing Mexican population. Isn’t it great? Oh what was that? No of course we shouldn’t worry about it stirring up racial tension in America. What are you thinking it is just TV. We don’t have that kind of power. We can’t start a war in our own streets over something as harmless as a TV show. Besides if it does cause riots just think of the publicity and viewer-ship from all the news coverage. What a bonus.”

Yes sir this is going to be so much fun. I just cannot wait for the first time at a water cooler someone make the mistake of saying anything derogatory about one of the winning personalities of a different racial background then the speaker. Even if the contestant in question is a jerk it won’t matter cause some over sensitized individual will jump up and scream “Racist”. The rest will be unemployment history.

This country is far too sensitive over that subject and the so-called leaders that speak “Tolerance” truly only seek to continue the trend. I mean let’s face it with out it would they be leaders anymore? More importantly wouldn’t they then have to turn to real problems and try and deal with them? Of course they would so no they are not going to get rid of their ace in the hole. Now when a real problem rears its ugly head they just jump up and scream “Racism” from the mountain tops and the masses jump with them and chant right along. Not to mention the contributions and fundraisers that go along with it. Enough with this rant and on to the next.

So the highly educated and certainly well paid astrological community got together this week and spent their collective brain power on a subject that will truly reshape the future of us all. They made a decision that has solved a problem that has plagued each and every one of us in our day to day lives.

The decided that Pluto is not a planet……….

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THESE IDIOTS! I mean are they that bored that they feel the need to pursue a serious discussion about whether a large hunk of rock that obits our sun and is not bound to another heavenly body is a planet or not? I thought that these people were working on figuring out how to transverse the vast distances between our world and others so we could colonize the galaxy. Nope they are sitting around having this discussion.

“Hey Bob what you doing?”
“Nothing Joe. Just watching the sky. You?”
“Same thing.”
“Yup this whole astronomy carrier is really full of excitement.”
“Yeah Joe I am sooo glad for all that time spent getting all these degrees so I could sit and watch the sky all day”
“OH and don’t forget that bull about how star gazers get the girls.”
“Yeah what a load of crap. I haven’t been laid since……DAMN I’VE NEVER BEEN LAID!!!!!”
“Dude I just had a though. We could figure out a way to travel through the galaxy and colonize every planet we find? Sounds cool right?”
“Wait I just had an idea. Why don’t we just sit here and do a whole lot of research to formulate an argument that Pluto is not really a planet? It would be fun.”
“Well I don’t know?”
“Oh come on Joe just think of all fun when we succeed and they have to change all the text book around the WORLD! I mean it isn’t like we won’t be making up most of the reasons cause any first grader knows that Pluto is a planet, so we will be pulling one over on the whole world. Oh and here is the kicker. In about 10 years of so…We turn around and make them change it back! Besides we will have to make like lecture tours and you know what that means…Young coed astronomy students.”
“OH God Bob that would be far more fun then anything really helpful to everyday life. And I can’t wait to start the lecture tour… come to me ladies. Let’s do it!”

Yes there it is. Just a prank set up by some over bored and under sexed astronomers. Please for the love of god will you ladies do the world a favor and shag an astronomer today so we can get the whole colonization of the galaxy thing underway? PLEASE!

So this is what our leaders in the field of Astronomy do with their time. I am so glad that we depend on them to let us know what is out there. I wouldn’t want to take their hours of looking at the sky as a sign of lax intelligence or sloth. But with breakthroughs like this how could I think that? God help us.

Ok well I am done for now. I will be home either Sunday or Monday of next week. The following weekend I am going to the Ren fair again so if anyone wants to join just grab your cash and come along…well let me know ahead of time as well.

I will see everyone or talk to everyone when I get back.

Again I am sorry for missing Fading Suns and for not calling. Please forgive me. PPPPLLLLEEEASEE!!!!!

May the Force be with you

Excelsior!!!

Matt-Man Out To Lake Villa

Hail and well met

I am leaving today for an extended stay with my lady up in Lake Villa. The reasons for this are simple. One is the fact that I cannot stand sitting here waiting for the damn Post Office to get off its fat bloated ass to hire me. It is driving me crazy that they hire all these lazy and unmotivated workers every damn day but a guy like me that wants to work and put in his hours the leave hanging. Screw them. If they call I will show up but until then I am going to check out my options else where and enjoy the company of my beautiful and sexy lady while I am at it.

The second reason is...Complicated. I love my parents, I really do. I JUST CANNOT STAND LIVING WITH THEM ANY LONGER! If I have to endure one more dumb ass argument over something stupid I will scream. Oh believe me that when I have to listen to the play back later it was over some big and vague point that is pivotal to the balance of the universe. Oh come on people, it was about the dishes, laundry or something else mundane. Truly it is like watching my parents devolve into 5 year olds again. I just cannot deal with it, nor can I deal with their need to tell me about it 8 hours later as if I wasn't there, which I was. I love them dearly but enough is enough.

OH before I forget. Ben K. this message is for you unless I get to see you first. Terri told me that her company Anixter is looking for some computer people. She printed out the job sheets and you can find them at Anixter.com, I believe it is under personal, but don't quote me. I am sure you can find it. It sounds like it is up your ally and although her office is an hour away you could be out of the Alsip office which is much closer. Take a look and God willing there will be something for you.

So I am out for at least the weekend and possibly most of next week. If anyone sees Neal or if you read this I have not forgotten about Monday I will call you and we will discuss that matter.

Ok well I am out of here for now. Kind of torn over not being around. Have to discuss it with people and figure out what can be done about it. Things are just...Strange.

May the Force be with you

Excelsior!!!

Matt-Man Says Good-bye to Summer

Hail and well met

As I sit here in the loft I am faced with the reality that once again it is time for people to head off to collage. It is the heralding of the end of yet another summer. A year ago I was quite depressed over this and to be true it is a bummer to know that in less then two weeks many of the people that I love to hang out with will be miles away. There is something decidedly different this time though. I am glad to see them move on.

For quite a long time I was content with the idea of change for everyone else but not me. It was a stupid idea and I know that it has truly been the cause of a great amount of the pain in my life. I have to really honest when I say that I was a hypocrite over it. Out of my mouth would come the axiom that "Change is the only constant in the universe" but then I would resist the most simple of changes in my life. I never left home because I didn't want to rock the boat. Oh I know that I can come up with a ton of excuses for not leaving but so many others have had the some troubles and yet they did it and made it work. No the problem was not the troubles in the way but it was me.

Now this is where I should insert any one of a thousand rants about how hopeless or pathetic or whatever I am. Well if that is what you are expecting then I apologize because that is not happening. Why? Well the most basic thing I can say is that it is useless. I am who I am and I face the world the same way every day that I have always had. Somewhere out there is the niche where I belong and I intend to find it. Oh yes I am going to find the place where I belong and where I fit in and make things work. There is no doubt. It may take time but so what, what else am I going to do with it?

So instead of sitting here being depressed I am rejoicing in the fact that my friends are moving on and finding their place in the universe. I can and will visit them, and if possible I will be joined by the most amazing woman in the world. Yes I speak of the awesome and phenomenal Terri.

I LOVE YOU BEAUTIFUL!!!!!!!!!!!

Yeah I have to say that she has been one of the greatest factors in my recent change of heart. Of course for all that she is if I didn't turn from my depression then I would still be a funk dog and be bringing everyone down. What is the fun in that? Oh it is one hell of an ego trip. believe me. Making ones self the center of the universe where all the bad things going on are pointed at or caused by you is quite the power trip. But once I realized that "Hey shit happens" and it happens to everyone it seemed far too pretentious for me to remain the center of the universe. So here I am just one more average joe (although some disagree with that assessment wink wink Terri) and I am just as unique and special as everyone else.

So what was this all about? Well I just wanted to chronicle the evening...Although I am upset about one thing. I missed a message from my lady. Sorry Terri. I was in the pool and I never bring my phone there because I know it will end up jumping to its death. Stupid suicidal phones. I am truly upset that I missed you call, but I will call you tomorrow as soon as I wake up. I love you so much that it hurts sometimes...ok by sometimes I mean all the time and bye hurt I mean tears my heart out but other then that I am fine ;)

I love all of you but Terri has my heart and soul...and other things but those will remain unmentioned for obvious reasons. :P I LOVE YOU BABY!!!!!!!!!!!!! I CANNOT WAIT TO SEE YOU THIS WEEKEND!!!!!!!!!!

Ok well that is all I really had to say so I am going to sign off.

May the Force be with all of you

Excelsior!!!

He's Back! He's Bad! He's Matt-Man and he is Mad!

Hail and well met one and all

The title says it all. I am back from a great weekend. Yes I spent some money but that really has little to nothing to do with my feelings. I went and surrounded myself with the people and minds of the industry that I love. I absorbed those emotions and soaked in the ambiance of the experiance. Just being around all those crazy gamers and the ones that make those crazy games just fills me with a giddy sense of power. OH YEAH!

All in all the experiance was rejuvinating. Now to be totally honest I have to say that there was a bit of a let down in the weekend. All in all there was not nearly the number of new games or companies that I would have expected or wanted. I know that the industry is suffering along with the rest of the economy with the tighting of the belt due to cost increases but still I cannot believe that there is a lull in the creative genius that is out there. Anyway all it really did for me was open the flood gates of determination that my ideas are worth and will be successful. All I have to do is get off my lorals and get them out there.

So let it be known that from this moment until the end of my time here on this rock I intend to devote a sizeable amount of my time to getting these ideas made into a viable reality that I can produce and sell. It may take a year or two but it will be done. This may incroach on my free time esspecially if I get the job but not that much. I will be looking for playtesters outside our group mostly to ensure that my personality is not affecting the view everyone has of the games that I make or have made. Not that I am saying that you all would lie to me but in truth you views are skewed by our relationships. I know every word you have spoken about Camp Deadbidon is true and you meant it but I need to be sure that I have not just glossed over any problems to fix them in just your eyes and failed to address any real holes in the game.

That being said don't think that I won't be showing you every new idea when it hits the prototype stage and involve you.

Ok well I think that about covers it. I am out for now. Typing acutally hurts my eyes.

May the Force be with you

Excelsior!!!

Matt-Man takes a Break

Hail and well met

Yeah I said it. I am taking a break. Oh not from a heavy work load or stressfull deadlines, no but a break from being wound up tighter then a 3000 day clock. Worring about not having found gainful employment. Wondering if my P's are pissed that I am still at home. If my Dad is ready to blow his top over the cash I owe him. Sweating those damn creditors deciding to try and sue me or some other stupid move. Trying to not step on anyones toes whle trying to be myself and not being employed.

I have had it will all that crap!

I am going down to Gen Con with the help of my friends. I am going to be totally irresponsible (or as much as I can be) I am not going to worry about one damn thing ( ok well it is me but it will just be about no being with my lady...OK?) whilst I am away. I am going to throw money away like it was water (luckly I only have a small amount this year, but next year watch out).

I intend to party every chance I get and have as much fun as I can. I ain't coming home the same as I left so be ready. This is the last hoorah befor I totally shatter the ceiling and start soaring like the legendary beast that is Matt-Man.

Yeah I am tooting my own horn. Yeah I am spitting out a load of self endulgent ego boosting drivel. SO WHAT? Everyone else gets to do it...then so do I!

Beware forces of complacancy and the mundane. The unmasked avenger of the imagination is priming his guns and is going to BLOW YOU ALL AWAY!!!!!!!

May the Force be with you

Excelsior!!!

Matt-Man rides the Weird Train

Hail and well met

Well to say that things have been strange is an understatement. I got home yesterday and said my good bye to my lady for a couple of weeks, which SUCKED. I really liked being with her for the week...sigh. When I arrived I had two letters from the post office waiting for me. They weren't the paycheck that I am waiting for but instead where paper work for me to show up at the Crete post office for an interview for the RAC position that I have been seeking. That was great news, except for the fact that the appointment in this coming Friday...DAMNIT THAT IS GENCON! So I am now faced with a dilemma of epic proportions.

Do I simply not go to gen con or try and figure out a way to do both. I am leaning towards the both but there are complications.

The biggest one is what happened this morning when I drove my car to do some errands. My brake pedal went to the floor and I had to feather it to get any pressure. I am going to call my mechanic tomorrow morning and get my car in toot sweet since I will need it this Friday for the interview. If it cost any amount of cash to fix I can kiss Gen Con good bye since I was planning on driving down after the interview. That will cost me gas money and if the car costs me anything I will have to burn my collateral with my P's to get it fixed. This means I cannot use them for cash for gas. GRRRRRRR!

I am hoping that it is easy..No I am believing that it is going to be easy and cost next to nothing. Time will tell.

Of course money is the other problem but when isn't it.

So I have the good news that I am closer to having a real job. Once I am past the training for being a carrier the Post Master at Mattson can steal me, since I really don't want the nightmare that is the Crete post office to be my long term future.

I have the most wonderful woman the world can offer. I LOVE YOU TERRI!

I just may have to give up the best four days with my friends out of the year.

Oh well some sacrifices must be made if things are going to change.

And I want change!

OH I am posting from my lap top which appears to be internet fluent. My computer is still in limbo. Terri gave me her old computer and said that I can use what ever I want to see if I can fix it. Ben since I won't be out there any time soon if you read this before I see you I am working on getting that copy of windows and see if that computer has a viable hard drive in it. I really appreciate all the things that you are doing for me, I know that things are tough for you and have been for a long time. I am praying that you get a break soon, cause you deserve it. Hang in there cause if it can work for me then it certainly work for you.

Ok well I don't want to tax my lap top any more then needed, but wanted to let everyone know what was going on.

May the Force be with you

Excelsior!!!

Matt-Man in the Shite Storm

I would say Hail and well met...but not today

Things have decided to jump on me all at once. I am not in a mood for typing but I do feel the need to tell people what is going on. So in a nutshell...

Terri's dog Jackson bit her again yesterday, a totally unprovoked attack. There was little choice but to put Jackson down. NOT A GOOD DAY!

Ben has informed me that the Matt-comp 5000 has a bad hard drive and it will run close to 100 dollars (not counting rebates) to fix. Ben since you seem to read this and since I will not be home anytime soon as I am keeping Terri sane I will ask you here and feel free to answer. I assume the answer is yes but here goes nothing. Is all the info on the HD gone?

There are some other things but those are kind of personal and private, not for sharing here. All in all let me just say that if anything else wants to kick me in the nads...Feel free! If anything out there thinks that I am giving up or going to get totally self focused and depressed......


HA! NOT GOING TO HAPPEN!

Yes things suck and I am in a pit of sorrow and pain right now. Yes I have never really felt worse in my life. Hell I just watched my bestest buddy of a dog be put down, can it get any worse then that? But I am not giving up.

Things change in time. Nothing stays the same. For everything there is a season. I waited for 36 years to find the one person that I could truly love and who loved me back. And guess what...I found her! So if that can happen then anything else can happen as well. It is just a matter of time and being patient whilst everything falls into place.

Ben I don't have the cash right now, I might soon. When I do we are going to go shopping for the HD. I also want to look into somekind of back up since there were a large number of really important files on there pertaining to projects for games and the like. I can't have this happen again.

I won't be back in town untill probably this weekend. I believe Terri is still coming down Saturday and as such I may just stay and come home with her. I know that this fouls up Fading Suns, unless you can play without me Ben at least for one session. It also crimps Star Wars, sorry but I have to be here for her right now.

So all in all I am out of the loop. My cel still works so if you call I can call back on her house phone. As long as I am here I have acess to her computer and can answer emails and comments on here. I will see all on Saturday if not sooner.

May the Force be with you

Excelsior!!!

Matt-Man "There's trouble to the North"

Hail and well met

Well here I sit in the Casa De Terri and I don't know what I am going to post about.

I love her.
She loves me.
We get eachother on so many levels.
I know that things are good and am not going to screw that up.......


But this being unemployeed situation is wearing on my nerves. I don't want to lose her because I in the end I don't live up to the things I know I can do. If that even makes any sense.

I am also just worried that I lack the real foundation to make a relationship work. I mean look at my paterning (My family life for those that don't know what I was saying). My parents barely tolerate each other. Fights over the most ignorant of things are a daily affair. Neither one of them really lives anymore, they just muddle through waiting on the end of their life. I don't want to be that...but I already am.

Yeah that is what I realized before I started posting. I am just like them. I don't do anything or involve myself with anything larger then myself. I keep everything at arms length and never commit myself to any goals. I have to change...and that is going to hurt.

Oh yes change is going to hurt, I don't fool myself on that fact. It is just a matter of choosing when I do it. Now or later. Sooner or farther away. Next week or next month, or next year.

There is no guide books on this subject. Not many have experiance to give advice. In the end all the advice and comments will come to naught cause it is my choice and I am the only one that can live it.

Jeez I hate it when it comes back to me.

Oh well all I have time to type right now.

I will be home tuesday durring the day depending on the arrival time for the train.

Later all.

May the Force be with you

Excelsior!!!