Why am I made to feel this pain
What have I done
How have I earned it or deserve it
My friends crowd around
They seek to help
But how can I tell them
That all it does is end up hurting me
I see them happy in a way I can never be
But seeing them reminds me
It brings the pain back up
Smacks it in my face
This hollow void that has become
Where my love should be
All I want is to share all of me
Is that a crime or atrocity
Please someone out there answer me
But the question goes without an answer
The silence growing like a cancer
Hollowing out another piece of me
And the Pain goes on
Saturday, August 29, 2009
The Beast
I stand at the edge of the end of my soul
Time and time before I have come so close
Now all that remains is a splinter
I will not give in
I will not give up
But what more can you want from me
I have always given what was asked
I never sought reward
But the balance should have been maintained
As I give so should I receive
Now I see that was a lie
The balance does not exist
Nothing ever equals out
As I gave so you took
As you spoke so I did
and now as I reach the end of me
You stand aside and let it be
Expecting me to go away
to fade with no fight
you are wrong
I will not go away
I will have my say
I will make you hate the day
The day you did this to me
For all you effort to make me lame
You assumed I was the same
that the emptiness you have seeded into so many
would bear the fruit of weakness and submission
but now you will see the true darkness in me
I will spew the hate and anger that have brewed
The boiling point is almost reached
the walls are ready to be breached
and when I go
I swear to you
I will take you too
Down with me you shall fall
If it takes me 100 years to destroy all you are
It seems only fair.
I will steal the screams of others despair
Spill their life with out a care
just like you I will become
Destroying everyone who has shone me love
Even as I cut my flesh I was not reveling in hating me
but realizing I do not fear the pain
and letting everyone see
These scars were a badge of honor
Proof that I am not safe
But you miss the waring signs
You did not see
And now you face the creature you have created
The beast that is me.
Time and time before I have come so close
Now all that remains is a splinter
I will not give in
I will not give up
But what more can you want from me
I have always given what was asked
I never sought reward
But the balance should have been maintained
As I give so should I receive
Now I see that was a lie
The balance does not exist
Nothing ever equals out
As I gave so you took
As you spoke so I did
and now as I reach the end of me
You stand aside and let it be
Expecting me to go away
to fade with no fight
you are wrong
I will not go away
I will have my say
I will make you hate the day
The day you did this to me
For all you effort to make me lame
You assumed I was the same
that the emptiness you have seeded into so many
would bear the fruit of weakness and submission
but now you will see the true darkness in me
I will spew the hate and anger that have brewed
The boiling point is almost reached
the walls are ready to be breached
and when I go
I swear to you
I will take you too
Down with me you shall fall
If it takes me 100 years to destroy all you are
It seems only fair.
I will steal the screams of others despair
Spill their life with out a care
just like you I will become
Destroying everyone who has shone me love
Even as I cut my flesh I was not reveling in hating me
but realizing I do not fear the pain
and letting everyone see
These scars were a badge of honor
Proof that I am not safe
But you miss the waring signs
You did not see
And now you face the creature you have created
The beast that is me.
Friday, August 28, 2009
Matt-Man at a loss for words
Well just discovered that I managed to lose several pieces of poetry that really meant something to me because I thought it was safe to leave them on the internets. One is safe for the moment but I don't know for how long. So I will have to reclaim them and hope, like that is going to happen.
Yes I am down. Yes I hate myself. Yes I want the hollow pain inside to stop. No I won't do what I would have to do to end it and yes that means suicide. Oh and no finding someone won't fix it cause I had my chances and blew it. I don't have the skills or ability to pick up women and learning at this point is just a little pointless. Kinda like going to school.
I have to accept that I choose to stay outside till way to late in the party and now I am that guy that gets to stand around watching everyone else coming down from the big fun and helping them till I am alone.
As always alone. Empty, hollow, useless, lame, stupid, loser. Yeah for me. Look upon me and know your life is better then mine and find comfort. Stare upon me and realize you are better then me and gain confidence. Take stock of my life and discover how full yours is by comparison and find contentment.
Sleep well knowing that the other end of the bell curve is right in front of you.
I am nothing so let the world rejoice!
Hail the complacent zero!!!!!
Yes I am down. Yes I hate myself. Yes I want the hollow pain inside to stop. No I won't do what I would have to do to end it and yes that means suicide. Oh and no finding someone won't fix it cause I had my chances and blew it. I don't have the skills or ability to pick up women and learning at this point is just a little pointless. Kinda like going to school.
I have to accept that I choose to stay outside till way to late in the party and now I am that guy that gets to stand around watching everyone else coming down from the big fun and helping them till I am alone.
As always alone. Empty, hollow, useless, lame, stupid, loser. Yeah for me. Look upon me and know your life is better then mine and find comfort. Stare upon me and realize you are better then me and gain confidence. Take stock of my life and discover how full yours is by comparison and find contentment.
Sleep well knowing that the other end of the bell curve is right in front of you.
I am nothing so let the world rejoice!
Hail the complacent zero!!!!!
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Pain is better then nothing at all
I know my last post said that I was going to talk about rape. Well after careful deliberation I have but one thing to say on that subject.
Rape is BAD.
That is all. Enough is enough. Anything more is a waste of my time.
Yes a waste of my time. There is no happy ending so deal with it. Evil exists in the hearts of humans and always will. We will hurt each other until the end of the world...or our species (which is hopefully soon). Trying to "eradicate" it is like saying you hate sunburn so lets get rid of light. It is not going to happen.
Humans are bastards and monsters when given the chance. We take what we want and don't give a care to whom we hurt in the process. Watch kids sometime when they are playing. Oh yes all is peace until one of them wants something the other has and when the child asks is told no, then watch out. There is taking, pushing and often violence. The victor has the toy and the loser is crying to mommy. It is nature working her wonderful bitchy will. Survival of the fittest, to the victor goes the spoils.
Oh and for all those hopeful people out there...NICE GUYS FINISH LAST! Which in a race where only the winner survives, means extinction. Yup a dirt nap and if lucky a minor footnote about what a mistake it was to even try the hole compassion thing. As the top of the food chain we had better realize that our only predator is ourselves and since nature prefers balance it is going do what is needed.
What does that mean?! Are you kidding me? Are you that naive? It means that with 8 billion of us with no sign of stopping, that one way or another we are going to start dying in rather large numbers. Plague, ice ages, drought you think of the calamity and it is going to happen sooner or later.
OH and to all those "save mother earth" loons out there, WAKE UP! This planet was hit by a friggin meteor the size of a state which wiped out every last dinosaur and it survived. To think that we lowly meat sacks have a chance of doing anything lasting to this planet is arrogant and ignorant.
The ass you had be concerned with saving is the human races. Either that or truly adopt you mindset and start mass murder to relive our burden from the ecosystem. Even then you aren't saving the Earth, just this version of its external life system.
Yeah I sound bitter and jaded. Well I am. Then again so are you if you are really honest about it. I have just decided to stop trying to be all nice and happy while my insides ache with pain and turn hollow.
So as the title says, I have decided to live in my pain instead of nothing at all. Most likely none of you will want to be around me with my voicing this new attitude, so be it. For too long I have asked question of the universe, questions that have gone without an answer, the silence growing inside me like a cancer, until I am hollow.
No more.
Life is a series of suck, fail and illusions of better times. Revel in ignorance or suffer with knowledge. In the end we are all connected but utterly alone. We face the darkness of the ever after with neither friend or family. Cold, naked and ill prepared. There is no shelter here, there or anywhere. Run, run as fast as you can but no matter where you go there you are.
Yup the only hope is that the pain will be less, different or we can create an illusion that it is happiness.
Cut the flesh, let the blood flow, this is the only relief we can know.
and in the end when faced with all this truth we will lie to ourselves and say that happiness is out there, that there is someone for everyone, we can make a difference and that our lives mean something.
Meanwhile a dark creator sits and laughs.
I don't care anymore.
Rape is BAD.
That is all. Enough is enough. Anything more is a waste of my time.
Yes a waste of my time. There is no happy ending so deal with it. Evil exists in the hearts of humans and always will. We will hurt each other until the end of the world...or our species (which is hopefully soon). Trying to "eradicate" it is like saying you hate sunburn so lets get rid of light. It is not going to happen.
Humans are bastards and monsters when given the chance. We take what we want and don't give a care to whom we hurt in the process. Watch kids sometime when they are playing. Oh yes all is peace until one of them wants something the other has and when the child asks is told no, then watch out. There is taking, pushing and often violence. The victor has the toy and the loser is crying to mommy. It is nature working her wonderful bitchy will. Survival of the fittest, to the victor goes the spoils.
Oh and for all those hopeful people out there...NICE GUYS FINISH LAST! Which in a race where only the winner survives, means extinction. Yup a dirt nap and if lucky a minor footnote about what a mistake it was to even try the hole compassion thing. As the top of the food chain we had better realize that our only predator is ourselves and since nature prefers balance it is going do what is needed.
What does that mean?! Are you kidding me? Are you that naive? It means that with 8 billion of us with no sign of stopping, that one way or another we are going to start dying in rather large numbers. Plague, ice ages, drought you think of the calamity and it is going to happen sooner or later.
OH and to all those "save mother earth" loons out there, WAKE UP! This planet was hit by a friggin meteor the size of a state which wiped out every last dinosaur and it survived. To think that we lowly meat sacks have a chance of doing anything lasting to this planet is arrogant and ignorant.
The ass you had be concerned with saving is the human races. Either that or truly adopt you mindset and start mass murder to relive our burden from the ecosystem. Even then you aren't saving the Earth, just this version of its external life system.
Yeah I sound bitter and jaded. Well I am. Then again so are you if you are really honest about it. I have just decided to stop trying to be all nice and happy while my insides ache with pain and turn hollow.
So as the title says, I have decided to live in my pain instead of nothing at all. Most likely none of you will want to be around me with my voicing this new attitude, so be it. For too long I have asked question of the universe, questions that have gone without an answer, the silence growing inside me like a cancer, until I am hollow.
No more.
Life is a series of suck, fail and illusions of better times. Revel in ignorance or suffer with knowledge. In the end we are all connected but utterly alone. We face the darkness of the ever after with neither friend or family. Cold, naked and ill prepared. There is no shelter here, there or anywhere. Run, run as fast as you can but no matter where you go there you are.
Yup the only hope is that the pain will be less, different or we can create an illusion that it is happiness.
Cut the flesh, let the blood flow, this is the only relief we can know.
and in the end when faced with all this truth we will lie to ourselves and say that happiness is out there, that there is someone for everyone, we can make a difference and that our lives mean something.
Meanwhile a dark creator sits and laughs.
I don't care anymore.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
