Hail and well met
Yes I took on Buffy and after over 144 hours of struggle I have to say I am the victor. No it was not mortal combat or combat of any form (well fighting to fit one more episode in before sleep has been a point of internal contention) it was a daunting task that I have been putting off for far to many years.
I don't have the stamina to type much as I really need to go to sleep but I can say this. As I was alive for the entire run of the show and knowing that I only really caught a dozen or so episodes then I am glad that I got the chance to watch it all. I love the show and what it did.
Soon I will probably have to do some diatribes on my favorite episodes and why, as well as a long rant on villains; both awesome and LAME.
I really loved the show and part of me misses it already....you know I could just start watching it again...the DVD's are just sitting right there.
So either I am off to bed or about to put the first disk of season one in again, either way awesome will ensue.
May the Force be with you
Excelsior!!!
Saturday, December 26, 2009
Sunday, December 13, 2009
A long Pause....You Know for Dramatic Effect.
Hail and well met
It has been a long time since I posted anything. I could try and put down a myriad of excuses but they would be just that, excuses. The fact is that I have not wanted to spend the time typing what is going on. That would require me to face what I am feeling and doing(or not doing). More importantly I would be putting it out there for everyone to read about and worry or know and that seems to be the problem. Intimacy.
It took seeing a good friend and having him talk about something that seemed to strike home. He spoke of Erikson's stages of psychosocial development and how he had seen himself walking through them. It struck me that many years ago while at Gameopolis I realized I was emotionally and socially stunted. I may have been 30 something but socially I was far younger, emotionally I was non-existent.
Now I am not saying I am broken or unworthy or whatever else that little voice tries to get me to believe so I turn upon myself and sink into seclusion. Oh I still hear it all the time but I refuse to give it credence, in fact I tend to use it in the opposite way. If it is telling me I am worthless or a failure I take it that I am more worthy and a success. That keeps me out of the mindset it wants.
But that doesn't change that I lack some of the basic development to relate to others. That I sometimes (more often then I like) don't know who I am, what I am doing or why I am here. Oh yes questions that many other can answer but unless I can answer them I fail to achieve the needed goal. I have played the "living up to everyone else's view of me" game and what I got was a vast array of costumes and persona's that had to be sand blasted away to allow me to become whatever I am to become. I do believe it is that fact that allows me to see some of these things more clearly.
It also is the reason for my seclusion. I don't want to fall into old patterns. Left to my devices I will gladly put back on the persona's others present so I can fit in, appease everyone and fulfill that caregiver part of my Virgo/First born nature. I don't want that, not anymore.
I know what I want. I know I need to learn how to get it. I don't know where or what to learn to get it. I need someone who knows and can put me on the right path.
I have a plan for what I want and (vaguely) how to get it.
What I lack is positive feed back from a source that can truly judge what I have planned. A source that I can trust (something hard to come by these days).
Oh and I know I want someone in my life that I can share my life with, all of it. With recent decisions that have changed the paradigm of my life I find the pool of candidates has shrunk exponentially.
Another fun thing is finding out facts that TOTALLY take some of the core truths I held and turning them on their ear. That has been a real laugh riot.
So here I am. All I can do is get up every day and see if I can get a little closer to my goal of getting what I want. Baby steps. Patience sucks!!!!
So to all my friends I say to you don't give up on me. If I disappear once in a while just give me a call, or message me on FB or whatever. Or just wait cause I will get out of the seclusion cave and get some air sooner or later.
Excelsior!!!
It has been a long time since I posted anything. I could try and put down a myriad of excuses but they would be just that, excuses. The fact is that I have not wanted to spend the time typing what is going on. That would require me to face what I am feeling and doing(or not doing). More importantly I would be putting it out there for everyone to read about and worry or know and that seems to be the problem. Intimacy.
It took seeing a good friend and having him talk about something that seemed to strike home. He spoke of Erikson's stages of psychosocial development and how he had seen himself walking through them. It struck me that many years ago while at Gameopolis I realized I was emotionally and socially stunted. I may have been 30 something but socially I was far younger, emotionally I was non-existent.
Now I am not saying I am broken or unworthy or whatever else that little voice tries to get me to believe so I turn upon myself and sink into seclusion. Oh I still hear it all the time but I refuse to give it credence, in fact I tend to use it in the opposite way. If it is telling me I am worthless or a failure I take it that I am more worthy and a success. That keeps me out of the mindset it wants.
But that doesn't change that I lack some of the basic development to relate to others. That I sometimes (more often then I like) don't know who I am, what I am doing or why I am here. Oh yes questions that many other can answer but unless I can answer them I fail to achieve the needed goal. I have played the "living up to everyone else's view of me" game and what I got was a vast array of costumes and persona's that had to be sand blasted away to allow me to become whatever I am to become. I do believe it is that fact that allows me to see some of these things more clearly.
It also is the reason for my seclusion. I don't want to fall into old patterns. Left to my devices I will gladly put back on the persona's others present so I can fit in, appease everyone and fulfill that caregiver part of my Virgo/First born nature. I don't want that, not anymore.
I know what I want. I know I need to learn how to get it. I don't know where or what to learn to get it. I need someone who knows and can put me on the right path.
I have a plan for what I want and (vaguely) how to get it.
What I lack is positive feed back from a source that can truly judge what I have planned. A source that I can trust (something hard to come by these days).
Oh and I know I want someone in my life that I can share my life with, all of it. With recent decisions that have changed the paradigm of my life I find the pool of candidates has shrunk exponentially.
Another fun thing is finding out facts that TOTALLY take some of the core truths I held and turning them on their ear. That has been a real laugh riot.
So here I am. All I can do is get up every day and see if I can get a little closer to my goal of getting what I want. Baby steps. Patience sucks!!!!
So to all my friends I say to you don't give up on me. If I disappear once in a while just give me a call, or message me on FB or whatever. Or just wait cause I will get out of the seclusion cave and get some air sooner or later.
Excelsior!!!
Monday, October 26, 2009
Matt-Man Vs The Schoolbus
Hail and well met
I know I haven't posted in awhile. My last few were dark, I was in a dark place at that time. I had to take some time, decide to get my ass up and turn on the light. Then things got hectic with a good friend getting married, which was awesome! Looking for work and finding time (funny how even when unemployed it is a rare commodity) to get stuff done. Worked with my Dad for awhile which was a learning experience, we both have changed a lot and it was good to really realize it. All in all it has been........a royal pain in my backside.
Yes good has come of it but laying in bed at night for hours on end has not been fun. You know when you lay there and for all your effort you mind just goes over and over a fact that is obvious. Yup night after night with the "You ain't got a job" or "How can you be a man if you ain't payin your way", you know all that self deprecating crap. Well after a long (and I do mean long) wait finally things are changing.
I am standing a little taller now. No not because I have a job (although I do have news on that subject) but because I have a right to. I am a man, no things are not going good right now and I have had to get help but who hasn't!? The fact that I have friends and family that are willing to help is a testament to me being a man. No I don't want to live off their generosity but until I get a break I will.
Well on that note, I have gotten said break. About 2 and a half weeks ago a neighbor whom apparently knows me stopped me as I was leaving. She asked how it was going at the post office and I informed her I was no longer there. She had been with the post office as well but also had left. Now she worked at American ShoolBus Company and asked if I was interested in driving a bus. I said yes. Then she said she would get me her card and I should come in to her office.
Then she disappeared. I mean it, I saw no sign of her. Now of course that little voice had its opinion on the subject, I kicked it in the nads, shoved it in its closet and promptly ignored it. With patience I waited and vowed that if I saw her I would approach her again and broach the subject.
Well last Sunday as I left to meet my dad for breakfast there it was. Her card stuck in my cars window. I was elated, giddy and also petrified. I mean I have not worked in over a year and while I have hated a good part of it, I also have liked the freedom that came with it. Well instead of swallowing that feeling I am holding on to it so as to keep reminding myself that this is not my career but only a stepping stone to my ultimate goal.
MY STORE!!!!!!!!!!
Oh yes it is going to happen and now I will have some funds to begin working towards it. Cause incorporation papers, business licensees and a host of other things cost money.
So I have been busy reading my little book and prepping for Thursday and the practice test.
I am looking forward to it. I am looking forward to being gainfully employed and I am looking forward to having a little more hope to work with. Not to mention having some money to do certain things with. Scraping by has been no fun.
So that is what is up with me. Oh and I have to post this little guy cause he always makes me laugh and has gotten me through some heavy nights.
I hope you like him too....if it is a him it could be a her. Or maybe it is asexual which would explain a lot. I mean really where is the fun in that?
Excelsior!!!
May the Force be with you
I know I haven't posted in awhile. My last few were dark, I was in a dark place at that time. I had to take some time, decide to get my ass up and turn on the light. Then things got hectic with a good friend getting married, which was awesome! Looking for work and finding time (funny how even when unemployed it is a rare commodity) to get stuff done. Worked with my Dad for awhile which was a learning experience, we both have changed a lot and it was good to really realize it. All in all it has been........a royal pain in my backside.
Yes good has come of it but laying in bed at night for hours on end has not been fun. You know when you lay there and for all your effort you mind just goes over and over a fact that is obvious. Yup night after night with the "You ain't got a job" or "How can you be a man if you ain't payin your way", you know all that self deprecating crap. Well after a long (and I do mean long) wait finally things are changing.
I am standing a little taller now. No not because I have a job (although I do have news on that subject) but because I have a right to. I am a man, no things are not going good right now and I have had to get help but who hasn't!? The fact that I have friends and family that are willing to help is a testament to me being a man. No I don't want to live off their generosity but until I get a break I will.
Well on that note, I have gotten said break. About 2 and a half weeks ago a neighbor whom apparently knows me stopped me as I was leaving. She asked how it was going at the post office and I informed her I was no longer there. She had been with the post office as well but also had left. Now she worked at American ShoolBus Company and asked if I was interested in driving a bus. I said yes. Then she said she would get me her card and I should come in to her office.
Then she disappeared. I mean it, I saw no sign of her. Now of course that little voice had its opinion on the subject, I kicked it in the nads, shoved it in its closet and promptly ignored it. With patience I waited and vowed that if I saw her I would approach her again and broach the subject.
Well last Sunday as I left to meet my dad for breakfast there it was. Her card stuck in my cars window. I was elated, giddy and also petrified. I mean I have not worked in over a year and while I have hated a good part of it, I also have liked the freedom that came with it. Well instead of swallowing that feeling I am holding on to it so as to keep reminding myself that this is not my career but only a stepping stone to my ultimate goal.
MY STORE!!!!!!!!!!
Oh yes it is going to happen and now I will have some funds to begin working towards it. Cause incorporation papers, business licensees and a host of other things cost money.
So I have been busy reading my little book and prepping for Thursday and the practice test.
I am looking forward to it. I am looking forward to being gainfully employed and I am looking forward to having a little more hope to work with. Not to mention having some money to do certain things with. Scraping by has been no fun.
So that is what is up with me. Oh and I have to post this little guy cause he always makes me laugh and has gotten me through some heavy nights.
I hope you like him too....if it is a him it could be a her. Or maybe it is asexual which would explain a lot. I mean really where is the fun in that?
Excelsior!!!
May the Force be with you
Saturday, August 29, 2009
This Pain Without End
Why am I made to feel this pain
What have I done
How have I earned it or deserve it
My friends crowd around
They seek to help
But how can I tell them
That all it does is end up hurting me
I see them happy in a way I can never be
But seeing them reminds me
It brings the pain back up
Smacks it in my face
This hollow void that has become
Where my love should be
All I want is to share all of me
Is that a crime or atrocity
Please someone out there answer me
But the question goes without an answer
The silence growing like a cancer
Hollowing out another piece of me
And the Pain goes on
What have I done
How have I earned it or deserve it
My friends crowd around
They seek to help
But how can I tell them
That all it does is end up hurting me
I see them happy in a way I can never be
But seeing them reminds me
It brings the pain back up
Smacks it in my face
This hollow void that has become
Where my love should be
All I want is to share all of me
Is that a crime or atrocity
Please someone out there answer me
But the question goes without an answer
The silence growing like a cancer
Hollowing out another piece of me
And the Pain goes on
The Beast
I stand at the edge of the end of my soul
Time and time before I have come so close
Now all that remains is a splinter
I will not give in
I will not give up
But what more can you want from me
I have always given what was asked
I never sought reward
But the balance should have been maintained
As I give so should I receive
Now I see that was a lie
The balance does not exist
Nothing ever equals out
As I gave so you took
As you spoke so I did
and now as I reach the end of me
You stand aside and let it be
Expecting me to go away
to fade with no fight
you are wrong
I will not go away
I will have my say
I will make you hate the day
The day you did this to me
For all you effort to make me lame
You assumed I was the same
that the emptiness you have seeded into so many
would bear the fruit of weakness and submission
but now you will see the true darkness in me
I will spew the hate and anger that have brewed
The boiling point is almost reached
the walls are ready to be breached
and when I go
I swear to you
I will take you too
Down with me you shall fall
If it takes me 100 years to destroy all you are
It seems only fair.
I will steal the screams of others despair
Spill their life with out a care
just like you I will become
Destroying everyone who has shone me love
Even as I cut my flesh I was not reveling in hating me
but realizing I do not fear the pain
and letting everyone see
These scars were a badge of honor
Proof that I am not safe
But you miss the waring signs
You did not see
And now you face the creature you have created
The beast that is me.
Time and time before I have come so close
Now all that remains is a splinter
I will not give in
I will not give up
But what more can you want from me
I have always given what was asked
I never sought reward
But the balance should have been maintained
As I give so should I receive
Now I see that was a lie
The balance does not exist
Nothing ever equals out
As I gave so you took
As you spoke so I did
and now as I reach the end of me
You stand aside and let it be
Expecting me to go away
to fade with no fight
you are wrong
I will not go away
I will have my say
I will make you hate the day
The day you did this to me
For all you effort to make me lame
You assumed I was the same
that the emptiness you have seeded into so many
would bear the fruit of weakness and submission
but now you will see the true darkness in me
I will spew the hate and anger that have brewed
The boiling point is almost reached
the walls are ready to be breached
and when I go
I swear to you
I will take you too
Down with me you shall fall
If it takes me 100 years to destroy all you are
It seems only fair.
I will steal the screams of others despair
Spill their life with out a care
just like you I will become
Destroying everyone who has shone me love
Even as I cut my flesh I was not reveling in hating me
but realizing I do not fear the pain
and letting everyone see
These scars were a badge of honor
Proof that I am not safe
But you miss the waring signs
You did not see
And now you face the creature you have created
The beast that is me.
Friday, August 28, 2009
Matt-Man at a loss for words
Well just discovered that I managed to lose several pieces of poetry that really meant something to me because I thought it was safe to leave them on the internets. One is safe for the moment but I don't know for how long. So I will have to reclaim them and hope, like that is going to happen.
Yes I am down. Yes I hate myself. Yes I want the hollow pain inside to stop. No I won't do what I would have to do to end it and yes that means suicide. Oh and no finding someone won't fix it cause I had my chances and blew it. I don't have the skills or ability to pick up women and learning at this point is just a little pointless. Kinda like going to school.
I have to accept that I choose to stay outside till way to late in the party and now I am that guy that gets to stand around watching everyone else coming down from the big fun and helping them till I am alone.
As always alone. Empty, hollow, useless, lame, stupid, loser. Yeah for me. Look upon me and know your life is better then mine and find comfort. Stare upon me and realize you are better then me and gain confidence. Take stock of my life and discover how full yours is by comparison and find contentment.
Sleep well knowing that the other end of the bell curve is right in front of you.
I am nothing so let the world rejoice!
Hail the complacent zero!!!!!
Yes I am down. Yes I hate myself. Yes I want the hollow pain inside to stop. No I won't do what I would have to do to end it and yes that means suicide. Oh and no finding someone won't fix it cause I had my chances and blew it. I don't have the skills or ability to pick up women and learning at this point is just a little pointless. Kinda like going to school.
I have to accept that I choose to stay outside till way to late in the party and now I am that guy that gets to stand around watching everyone else coming down from the big fun and helping them till I am alone.
As always alone. Empty, hollow, useless, lame, stupid, loser. Yeah for me. Look upon me and know your life is better then mine and find comfort. Stare upon me and realize you are better then me and gain confidence. Take stock of my life and discover how full yours is by comparison and find contentment.
Sleep well knowing that the other end of the bell curve is right in front of you.
I am nothing so let the world rejoice!
Hail the complacent zero!!!!!
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Pain is better then nothing at all
I know my last post said that I was going to talk about rape. Well after careful deliberation I have but one thing to say on that subject.
Rape is BAD.
That is all. Enough is enough. Anything more is a waste of my time.
Yes a waste of my time. There is no happy ending so deal with it. Evil exists in the hearts of humans and always will. We will hurt each other until the end of the world...or our species (which is hopefully soon). Trying to "eradicate" it is like saying you hate sunburn so lets get rid of light. It is not going to happen.
Humans are bastards and monsters when given the chance. We take what we want and don't give a care to whom we hurt in the process. Watch kids sometime when they are playing. Oh yes all is peace until one of them wants something the other has and when the child asks is told no, then watch out. There is taking, pushing and often violence. The victor has the toy and the loser is crying to mommy. It is nature working her wonderful bitchy will. Survival of the fittest, to the victor goes the spoils.
Oh and for all those hopeful people out there...NICE GUYS FINISH LAST! Which in a race where only the winner survives, means extinction. Yup a dirt nap and if lucky a minor footnote about what a mistake it was to even try the hole compassion thing. As the top of the food chain we had better realize that our only predator is ourselves and since nature prefers balance it is going do what is needed.
What does that mean?! Are you kidding me? Are you that naive? It means that with 8 billion of us with no sign of stopping, that one way or another we are going to start dying in rather large numbers. Plague, ice ages, drought you think of the calamity and it is going to happen sooner or later.
OH and to all those "save mother earth" loons out there, WAKE UP! This planet was hit by a friggin meteor the size of a state which wiped out every last dinosaur and it survived. To think that we lowly meat sacks have a chance of doing anything lasting to this planet is arrogant and ignorant.
The ass you had be concerned with saving is the human races. Either that or truly adopt you mindset and start mass murder to relive our burden from the ecosystem. Even then you aren't saving the Earth, just this version of its external life system.
Yeah I sound bitter and jaded. Well I am. Then again so are you if you are really honest about it. I have just decided to stop trying to be all nice and happy while my insides ache with pain and turn hollow.
So as the title says, I have decided to live in my pain instead of nothing at all. Most likely none of you will want to be around me with my voicing this new attitude, so be it. For too long I have asked question of the universe, questions that have gone without an answer, the silence growing inside me like a cancer, until I am hollow.
No more.
Life is a series of suck, fail and illusions of better times. Revel in ignorance or suffer with knowledge. In the end we are all connected but utterly alone. We face the darkness of the ever after with neither friend or family. Cold, naked and ill prepared. There is no shelter here, there or anywhere. Run, run as fast as you can but no matter where you go there you are.
Yup the only hope is that the pain will be less, different or we can create an illusion that it is happiness.
Cut the flesh, let the blood flow, this is the only relief we can know.
and in the end when faced with all this truth we will lie to ourselves and say that happiness is out there, that there is someone for everyone, we can make a difference and that our lives mean something.
Meanwhile a dark creator sits and laughs.
I don't care anymore.
Rape is BAD.
That is all. Enough is enough. Anything more is a waste of my time.
Yes a waste of my time. There is no happy ending so deal with it. Evil exists in the hearts of humans and always will. We will hurt each other until the end of the world...or our species (which is hopefully soon). Trying to "eradicate" it is like saying you hate sunburn so lets get rid of light. It is not going to happen.
Humans are bastards and monsters when given the chance. We take what we want and don't give a care to whom we hurt in the process. Watch kids sometime when they are playing. Oh yes all is peace until one of them wants something the other has and when the child asks is told no, then watch out. There is taking, pushing and often violence. The victor has the toy and the loser is crying to mommy. It is nature working her wonderful bitchy will. Survival of the fittest, to the victor goes the spoils.
Oh and for all those hopeful people out there...NICE GUYS FINISH LAST! Which in a race where only the winner survives, means extinction. Yup a dirt nap and if lucky a minor footnote about what a mistake it was to even try the hole compassion thing. As the top of the food chain we had better realize that our only predator is ourselves and since nature prefers balance it is going do what is needed.
What does that mean?! Are you kidding me? Are you that naive? It means that with 8 billion of us with no sign of stopping, that one way or another we are going to start dying in rather large numbers. Plague, ice ages, drought you think of the calamity and it is going to happen sooner or later.
OH and to all those "save mother earth" loons out there, WAKE UP! This planet was hit by a friggin meteor the size of a state which wiped out every last dinosaur and it survived. To think that we lowly meat sacks have a chance of doing anything lasting to this planet is arrogant and ignorant.
The ass you had be concerned with saving is the human races. Either that or truly adopt you mindset and start mass murder to relive our burden from the ecosystem. Even then you aren't saving the Earth, just this version of its external life system.
Yeah I sound bitter and jaded. Well I am. Then again so are you if you are really honest about it. I have just decided to stop trying to be all nice and happy while my insides ache with pain and turn hollow.
So as the title says, I have decided to live in my pain instead of nothing at all. Most likely none of you will want to be around me with my voicing this new attitude, so be it. For too long I have asked question of the universe, questions that have gone without an answer, the silence growing inside me like a cancer, until I am hollow.
No more.
Life is a series of suck, fail and illusions of better times. Revel in ignorance or suffer with knowledge. In the end we are all connected but utterly alone. We face the darkness of the ever after with neither friend or family. Cold, naked and ill prepared. There is no shelter here, there or anywhere. Run, run as fast as you can but no matter where you go there you are.
Yup the only hope is that the pain will be less, different or we can create an illusion that it is happiness.
Cut the flesh, let the blood flow, this is the only relief we can know.
and in the end when faced with all this truth we will lie to ourselves and say that happiness is out there, that there is someone for everyone, we can make a difference and that our lives mean something.
Meanwhile a dark creator sits and laughs.
I don't care anymore.
Saturday, June 13, 2009
Matt-Man On A Heavy Subject
Hail and well met
I just had my mood totally spun around and sent spiraling into the dirt to crash and burn. There was a post about rape that was linked by someone who wanted to know guys thoughts. I read the article attached to the link and got pissed.
No I fumed.
As I tried to comment I kept running out of room. My anger and frustration were boiling out onto the virtual page and getting me nowhere. So I decided to write a post to discuss my feelings on what was said in the article.
This is a warning. I may piss some people off. I am not going to be all happy go lucky Matt about this. So you may wish to miss the next post.
What I will say is this. I am not going to apologize for what I write. I have warned anyone that reads this and I will do it again at the beginning of my next post.
After that all bets are off and the gloves won't even leave the dressing room
May the Force be with you
Excelsior!!!
I just had my mood totally spun around and sent spiraling into the dirt to crash and burn. There was a post about rape that was linked by someone who wanted to know guys thoughts. I read the article attached to the link and got pissed.
No I fumed.
As I tried to comment I kept running out of room. My anger and frustration were boiling out onto the virtual page and getting me nowhere. So I decided to write a post to discuss my feelings on what was said in the article.
This is a warning. I may piss some people off. I am not going to be all happy go lucky Matt about this. So you may wish to miss the next post.
What I will say is this. I am not going to apologize for what I write. I have warned anyone that reads this and I will do it again at the beginning of my next post.
After that all bets are off and the gloves won't even leave the dressing room
May the Force be with you
Excelsior!!!
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Matt-Man Loves YouTube!
Hail and well met
I was tooling around and I found this in a strange kind of way. I love looking up something only to find something else that is way cool as well. So here is what I found I hope you get a laugh out of it as well.
Ah hahahaha it still makes me laugh. That is funneh! I found it at braxtanfilm.com There are some other funny things there as well as two fan made Ghostbusters films. Fun is to be had by all.
So give them a look and have some fun.
May the Force be with you
Excelsior!!!
I was tooling around and I found this in a strange kind of way. I love looking up something only to find something else that is way cool as well. So here is what I found I hope you get a laugh out of it as well.
Ah hahahaha it still makes me laugh. That is funneh! I found it at braxtanfilm.com There are some other funny things there as well as two fan made Ghostbusters films. Fun is to be had by all.
So give them a look and have some fun.
May the Force be with you
Excelsior!!!
Friday, May 29, 2009
Matt-Man and a Moment of Truth
Hail and well met
I am always looking and listening for the wisdom of the divine to slip in the mundane. Today I find it from years ago, a show called "Tales of Tomorrow". The opening is narrated by a spokesperson/actor and he promotes the sponsor which is to be expected. First there was a watch band making company and now it is the Masland carpet company. An interesting fact about the Masland company is that back in the day they printed a company magazine called the Shuttle. It contained the usual announcements of births, marriages, anniversaries and so on but it also had editorials. These allowed employees the ability to express their thoughts and ideas openly. It is from one of these that the spokesperson read from and the light of truth winked at me.
Here now is the transcript of what he said.
The force of the atom is insignificant compared to the explosive force of human nature. The force that we need to consider is that which brought man from the darkness of the cave to the lights of a cathedral. It is the energy of man's ambitions striving eternally for a place in the sun and it must be controlled. Not by international agreement nor by legislation destroying mans freedom, it must be controlled by the individual himself. The formula is a simple one, is man to young to practice it? It is simply the golden rule "Do unto other as you would have other do unto you".
I don't know the edition nor do I know the author's name all I do know is that here is a peek at truth. I hope it touches each and everyone that reads it.
May the Force be with you
Excelsior!!!
I don't know the edition nor do I know the author's name all I do know is that here is a peek at truth. I hope it touches each and everyone that reads it.
May the Force be with you
Excelsior!!!
Matt-Man Returns to Fight Another Day!!!
Hail and well met
I know I have been rather lacks in my posting and there is a good reason for that. I had nothing worth typing out into the world of cyber space. Now I do.
I got back this week from an important trip to my favorite place in the world, Lothlorian. No not the place in Tolkien's novels but a place here on Earth. There are a ton of stories there but the rule stands "What happens at Loth stays at Loth". What I can say is that I got an answer to something. So here is a musical representation of where I was and what I asked for...enjoy!
Time doesn´t wait,
Wait for no man.
So get on with it.
there´s no escape,
Try if you can.
And, oh, this world is crazy.
And, oh, it blows my mind.
Oh, it seems like everybody's rushing,
Just to get to the back of the line.
Well I walk through the valley of
The shadow of death.
And I dance with the Devil
but I got no regrets.
He told me next time your in
town drop me a line.
Oh, just gimmie a sign.
Let the world fall apart.
Just gimmie a sign
don´t leave me in the dark.
I couldn´t shake that little voice
Ringing in my head.
Wanted to run away from myself.
So I asked for a wise
man to make me wise
He said son the answer's
contained inside
I choked on the fortune,
But I feel fine
Oh, just gimmie a sign,
Let the world fall apart
Just gimmie a sign,
don´t leave me in the dark.
Just gimmie a sign.
[ Kevin Rudolf Lyrics are found on www.songlyrics.com ]
You know they're gonna aim at you.
You know they'll try to take from you
Just gimmie a sign cause I
need it this time
Stand up (stand up)
Stand up (stand up)
Stand up (stand up)
Stand up, Stand up
Stand up (stand up)
Stand up (stand up)
Stand up (stand up)
Stand up (stand up)
I got in some trouble way
back in the day.
Spent a few years tryin' to find my way
I broke a few rules, I
ain´t payin' the fine.
Oh, just gimmie a sign.
Let the world fall apart.
Just gimmie a sign,
don´t leave me in the dark.
Just gimmie a sign.
Oh yea, just gimmie a sign.
Oh yea, just gimmie a sign.
Yea, oh, oh yea, oh
Just gimme a sign.
You know they're gonna aim at you.
You know they'll try to take from you
Just gimmie a sign cause I
need it this time
Gimme a Sign by Kevin Rudolf
So that about sums it up. Looking forward to a phone interview in about 40 minutes. Not the perfect answer but it is step in the right direction...I have a plan!
Wait? What?
May the Force be with you
Excelsior!!!
I know I have been rather lacks in my posting and there is a good reason for that. I had nothing worth typing out into the world of cyber space. Now I do.
I got back this week from an important trip to my favorite place in the world, Lothlorian. No not the place in Tolkien's novels but a place here on Earth. There are a ton of stories there but the rule stands "What happens at Loth stays at Loth". What I can say is that I got an answer to something. So here is a musical representation of where I was and what I asked for...enjoy!
Time doesn´t wait,
Wait for no man.
So get on with it.
there´s no escape,
Try if you can.
And, oh, this world is crazy.
And, oh, it blows my mind.
Oh, it seems like everybody's rushing,
Just to get to the back of the line.
Well I walk through the valley of
The shadow of death.
And I dance with the Devil
but I got no regrets.
He told me next time your in
town drop me a line.
Oh, just gimmie a sign.
Let the world fall apart.
Just gimmie a sign
don´t leave me in the dark.
I couldn´t shake that little voice
Ringing in my head.
Wanted to run away from myself.
So I asked for a wise
man to make me wise
He said son the answer's
contained inside
I choked on the fortune,
But I feel fine
Oh, just gimmie a sign,
Let the world fall apart
Just gimmie a sign,
don´t leave me in the dark.
Just gimmie a sign.
[ Kevin Rudolf Lyrics are found on www.songlyrics.com ]
You know they're gonna aim at you.
You know they'll try to take from you
Just gimmie a sign cause I
need it this time
Stand up (stand up)
Stand up (stand up)
Stand up (stand up)
Stand up, Stand up
Stand up (stand up)
Stand up (stand up)
Stand up (stand up)
Stand up (stand up)
I got in some trouble way
back in the day.
Spent a few years tryin' to find my way
I broke a few rules, I
ain´t payin' the fine.
Oh, just gimmie a sign.
Let the world fall apart.
Just gimmie a sign,
don´t leave me in the dark.
Just gimmie a sign.
Oh yea, just gimmie a sign.
Oh yea, just gimmie a sign.
Yea, oh, oh yea, oh
Just gimme a sign.
You know they're gonna aim at you.
You know they'll try to take from you
Just gimmie a sign cause I
need it this time
Gimme a Sign by Kevin Rudolf
So that about sums it up. Looking forward to a phone interview in about 40 minutes. Not the perfect answer but it is step in the right direction...I have a plan!
Wait? What?
May the Force be with you
Excelsior!!!
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
A Matt-Man for All Quizes
Hail and well met
It has been awhile since I posted a quiz and I liked this one so here it is...
I'm tired of all those surveys written by high school girls. Here's one for folks who are a tad older. Thanks to Tim Scallon for posting this originally.
1. What bill do you hate paying the most? Insurance because it is legal blackmail and extortion
2. Do you miss being a child? Part of it but wouldn't want to go back.
3. Chore you hate the most? Dusting because it is never done and I don't do anything to cause it. Dishes are not problem cause I made them dirty and the same goes for laundry but dusting....I hate it.
4. Where was the last place you had a romantic dinner? Um well define romantic and in what context. I will guess on the lowest common denominator and say over a year ago.
5. If you could go back and change one thing what would it be? The concept of going back in time to change things “if you could”. But then no one would ask these questions and I wouldn't have to go back at which point they would start asking these questions and I would and then they wouldn't and I wouldn't while they would....Yeah head explodes somewhere in here and someone says “If it wasn't for that horse I wouldn't have spent that year in collage”
6. Name of your first grade teacher? Hmmmm have to really think about that one. I do believe it was Mrs. Venezia at Algonquin Elementary School.
7. What do you really want to be doing right now? Either running my own store or having sex, both would be like one of the things on my bucket list.
8. What did you want to be when you grew up? Well that changed from a scientist to artist to absolutely nothing (no joke). This has been said to be the “go back and change thing” in my life but I disagree. If I had approached life any different then I would not be who I am now and since I like who I am now I wouldn't change me one darn bit.
9. How many colleges did you attend? Not a single one. Visited several but never attended...well except the center of higher learning known as Screw U and the Collage of E.A.B.O.D.
10. Why did you choose the shirt that you have on right now? Well it was already dirty and since I had to clean I saw no point in messing another shirt.
11. What are your thoughts on gas prices? Too high but we keep on paying so they keep on raising. Will we ever learn?
12. First thought when the alarm went off this morning? Why is a alarm going off I didn't set it?
13. Last thought before going to sleep last night? Hope I can fall asleep.
14. What famous person would you like to have dinner with? Just one? Grrrrrr Stan Lee.
15. Have you ever crashed your vehicle? Yes several times but only one with another car.
16. If you didn't have to work, would you volunteer? I refuse to answer due to my views on volunteering.
17. Get up early or sleep in? Get up so I can get shit done.
18. What is your favorite cartoon character? WOW that is a hard question. I have had my share that is for sure. I guess I would have to say Ben Tennyson from Ben 10. But then you have Number 21 and 24 from Venture Bros. Who never fail to bring a laugh.
19. Favorite thing to do at night with your girl/guy? OH come on this is a trick question right? I mean the obvious answer is so painfully obvious. Anyone who doesn't think this right away is just lying to themselves. Let's face it the first thing we all thought is “watch TV.” What? You thought I was gonna say sex didn't ya? HA HA
20. When did you first start feeling old? Oh please old is a relative term and only refers to the interaction of this flesh body with the surrounding energy/matter matrices. I am immortal, when this body returns to its natural state I will move on and enter that from which I came. May the Force be with you!
21. Favorite lunch meat? Corn Beef
22. What do you get every time you go into Wal-Mart? Well a few months ago I would have said Brachs chocolate covered peanuts, before that one of those funny T-shirts they have for like 10 dollars. Now it is DVD's from their $5 bin.
23. Do you think marriage is an outdated ritual? No I consider it an institution. And that is something that you enter when your not right in the head and leave it when you are better. So you must be crazy to enter it and the only time you will be sane is when you leave it. Oh and no I have never been married but I have known far to many who were (note the past tense there).
24. Favorite movie you wouldn't want anyone to find out about? Right like I am going to tell anyone I know this little secret. I would never live it down but would spend the rest of my life being ridiculed at every turn. Not going to happen.
25. What's your favorite drink? Hmmm anything alcoholic :)
26. Who from high school would you like to run in to? With my car? Any of them. LOL just kidding. Hmm pretty sure I still talk to all the ones I want to, or at least follow them on a Internet social network.
27. What radio station is your car radio tuned to right now? 101.9 or 103.9
28. Sopranos or Desperate Housewives? Neither.
29. Worst relationship mistake that you wish you could take back? Not realizing what it was when I was in it and accepting it for that which it was.
30. Do you like the person that sits directly across from you at work? …..well I don't sit at work, um I sit facing my computer and although it is cool, I don't think it deserves to be considered a person.
31. Have you ever had to use a fire extinguisher for its intended purposes? Hee Hee nope but I have used one.
32. Last book you finished reading? Down the Road
33. Do you have a teddy bear? Currently I probably do somewhere but not intentionally it is just a left over from when I was young.
34. Strangest place you have ever brushed your teeth? Oh wouldn't you like to know!
35. Do you go to church? Only when someone is getting married or buried.
36. How old are you? As old as the world when it was young and as young as the stars themselves.
Oh alright I am 39 and will be 40 in September.
May the Force be with you
Excelsior!!!
It has been awhile since I posted a quiz and I liked this one so here it is...
I'm tired of all those surveys written by high school girls. Here's one for folks who are a tad older. Thanks to Tim Scallon for posting this originally.
1. What bill do you hate paying the most? Insurance because it is legal blackmail and extortion
2. Do you miss being a child? Part of it but wouldn't want to go back.
3. Chore you hate the most? Dusting because it is never done and I don't do anything to cause it. Dishes are not problem cause I made them dirty and the same goes for laundry but dusting....I hate it.
4. Where was the last place you had a romantic dinner? Um well define romantic and in what context. I will guess on the lowest common denominator and say over a year ago.
5. If you could go back and change one thing what would it be? The concept of going back in time to change things “if you could”. But then no one would ask these questions and I wouldn't have to go back at which point they would start asking these questions and I would and then they wouldn't and I wouldn't while they would....Yeah head explodes somewhere in here and someone says “If it wasn't for that horse I wouldn't have spent that year in collage”
6. Name of your first grade teacher? Hmmmm have to really think about that one. I do believe it was Mrs. Venezia at Algonquin Elementary School.
7. What do you really want to be doing right now? Either running my own store or having sex, both would be like one of the things on my bucket list.
8. What did you want to be when you grew up? Well that changed from a scientist to artist to absolutely nothing (no joke). This has been said to be the “go back and change thing” in my life but I disagree. If I had approached life any different then I would not be who I am now and since I like who I am now I wouldn't change me one darn bit.
9. How many colleges did you attend? Not a single one. Visited several but never attended...well except the center of higher learning known as Screw U and the Collage of E.A.B.O.D.
10. Why did you choose the shirt that you have on right now? Well it was already dirty and since I had to clean I saw no point in messing another shirt.
11. What are your thoughts on gas prices? Too high but we keep on paying so they keep on raising. Will we ever learn?
12. First thought when the alarm went off this morning? Why is a alarm going off I didn't set it?
13. Last thought before going to sleep last night? Hope I can fall asleep.
14. What famous person would you like to have dinner with? Just one? Grrrrrr Stan Lee.
15. Have you ever crashed your vehicle? Yes several times but only one with another car.
16. If you didn't have to work, would you volunteer? I refuse to answer due to my views on volunteering.
17. Get up early or sleep in? Get up so I can get shit done.
18. What is your favorite cartoon character? WOW that is a hard question. I have had my share that is for sure. I guess I would have to say Ben Tennyson from Ben 10. But then you have Number 21 and 24 from Venture Bros. Who never fail to bring a laugh.
19. Favorite thing to do at night with your girl/guy? OH come on this is a trick question right? I mean the obvious answer is so painfully obvious. Anyone who doesn't think this right away is just lying to themselves. Let's face it the first thing we all thought is “watch TV.” What? You thought I was gonna say sex didn't ya? HA HA
20. When did you first start feeling old? Oh please old is a relative term and only refers to the interaction of this flesh body with the surrounding energy/matter matrices. I am immortal, when this body returns to its natural state I will move on and enter that from which I came. May the Force be with you!
21. Favorite lunch meat? Corn Beef
22. What do you get every time you go into Wal-Mart? Well a few months ago I would have said Brachs chocolate covered peanuts, before that one of those funny T-shirts they have for like 10 dollars. Now it is DVD's from their $5 bin.
23. Do you think marriage is an outdated ritual? No I consider it an institution. And that is something that you enter when your not right in the head and leave it when you are better. So you must be crazy to enter it and the only time you will be sane is when you leave it. Oh and no I have never been married but I have known far to many who were (note the past tense there).
24. Favorite movie you wouldn't want anyone to find out about? Right like I am going to tell anyone I know this little secret. I would never live it down but would spend the rest of my life being ridiculed at every turn. Not going to happen.
25. What's your favorite drink? Hmmm anything alcoholic :)
26. Who from high school would you like to run in to? With my car? Any of them. LOL just kidding. Hmm pretty sure I still talk to all the ones I want to, or at least follow them on a Internet social network.
27. What radio station is your car radio tuned to right now? 101.9 or 103.9
28. Sopranos or Desperate Housewives? Neither.
29. Worst relationship mistake that you wish you could take back? Not realizing what it was when I was in it and accepting it for that which it was.
30. Do you like the person that sits directly across from you at work? …..well I don't sit at work, um I sit facing my computer and although it is cool, I don't think it deserves to be considered a person.
31. Have you ever had to use a fire extinguisher for its intended purposes? Hee Hee nope but I have used one.
32. Last book you finished reading? Down the Road
33. Do you have a teddy bear? Currently I probably do somewhere but not intentionally it is just a left over from when I was young.
34. Strangest place you have ever brushed your teeth? Oh wouldn't you like to know!
35. Do you go to church? Only when someone is getting married or buried.
36. How old are you? As old as the world when it was young and as young as the stars themselves.
Oh alright I am 39 and will be 40 in September.
May the Force be with you
Excelsior!!!
Sunday, April 26, 2009
Matt-Man Runs with Schisms
Hail and well met
Long time no post. Well things have been wacky. As you can see I have made some changes, all for the better. Notice the new section "Places I say "You should go to"". Also notice that inside that section is a link to the Matt-Man gift shop. Yes I am a shameless whore. But don't think that I just have stuff with my logo on it cause I don't. I also have stuff with other cool logos that I have come up with. Quaint sayings that I have heard and decided to do the work and put them on a something or other. Now you can go and show you support if you like and buy something cool.
I plan on having a really long post soon but right now I am tired and need to sleep. Till I type at you again...
May the Force be with you
Excelsior!!!!
Long time no post. Well things have been wacky. As you can see I have made some changes, all for the better. Notice the new section "Places I say "You should go to"". Also notice that inside that section is a link to the Matt-Man gift shop. Yes I am a shameless whore. But don't think that I just have stuff with my logo on it cause I don't. I also have stuff with other cool logos that I have come up with. Quaint sayings that I have heard and decided to do the work and put them on a something or other. Now you can go and show you support if you like and buy something cool.
I plan on having a really long post soon but right now I am tired and need to sleep. Till I type at you again...
May the Force be with you
Excelsior!!!!
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Matt-Man VS Funk-enstien!
Hail and well met
This hit home as a real cause we can all get behind so listen and get ready to pull out your rupies, stars, fruit...whatever your current game currency is to make a donation...
Yes for only pennies a day you can clean a gamer bringing joy, and lemony freshness, into his (lets face it guys we stink) life....and the life of all those around him.
May the Force be with you
Excelsior!!!
This hit home as a real cause we can all get behind so listen and get ready to pull out your rupies, stars, fruit...whatever your current game currency is to make a donation...
Yes for only pennies a day you can clean a gamer bringing joy, and lemony freshness, into his (lets face it guys we stink) life....and the life of all those around him.
May the Force be with you
Excelsior!!!
Friday, February 13, 2009
Matt-Man Says Goodbye
Hail and well met
This is not original this was sent to me but it was so relevant I had to re post it here.
Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has
been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since
his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be
remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as: Knowing when to
come in out of the rain; Why the early bird gets the worm; Life isn't
always fair; and maybe it was my fault.
Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more
than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in
charge).
His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing
regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with
sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school
for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an
unruly student, only worsened his condition.
Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job
that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly
children.
It declined even further when schools were required to get parental
consent to administer sun lotion or an Aspirin to a student; but could not
inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an
abortion.
Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and
criminals received better treatment than their victims.
Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a
burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.
Common Sense finally gave up the
will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of
coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded
a huge settlement.
Common Sense was preceded in death, by his parents, Truth and Trust, by
his wife, Discretion, by his daughter, Responsibility, and by his son,
Reason.
He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers;
I Know My Rights
I Want It Now
Someone Else Is To Blame
I'm A Victim
Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.
If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do
nothing.
Saturday, February 07, 2009
Matt-Man, The Lone Wolf
Hail and well met.
I just posted a note on Facebook where I made a statement. I don't normally go off on self explaining rants but this time I kinda want to. Not so much to tell everyone out there anything but instead to get my thoughts in a cohesive matrix so I can understand them. In other words get my ducks in row so I don't quack up. Ha I made a funny...Oh yes I did!
Some facts about me. I have had exactly 2 girlfriends in my life. The first was in high school and her name was Nicole Pascal. She was 2 years older then I was at the time, a bit taller (can you imagine) and about half again as big, not fat just big. She had an amazing smile, could laugh the sting off a bee and for a short time we were in love.
What happened you ask? Well life happened as did the 80's. For all the forward thinking that was supposedly going on it was still taboo to date a black woman. Between my parents (worried about the rest of my family, truly) and her family and friends we broke up. I do believe I broke it off, for which I still have to bash my head in when I think about it.
Just goes to prove that if you are thinking of doing something because someone else thinks you should, stop, hit yourself with a big stick and loudly say "NO". Then dig a big pit in the ground gather a bunch of squirrels and put them in there for, say a month so they get good and ravenous. Then invite the people over who were telling you what to do and shove them in and tell them you think they should get mauled by a horde of ravenous squirrels. I think they will get the picture and if not who cares cause they have been mauled by ravenous squirrels. Oh and for shits and giggles set the squirrels on fire cause that makes it cooler.
So that was when I was like 15/16. Now we can jump ahead to 2006 I am 37 and I meet Terri. An amazing woman who liked me. I liked her and we had a good time for about a year and a half. This time it was her that did the breaking and she sighted that we were going in different directions. There is a tome of things my mind has come up with as to why she left me but all in all it dose not matter, she left and that was that.
I still love her and want her to be happy. I mean it now as I meant it when I first said it. I found out she is with someone and it seems she is happy. I am glad for her. '
So when I realized she was in a relationship I sorta realized that I am not. I am no closer to one either. I have no idea how to start one. More importantly I don't believe I am capable of really having one. Part of it is my wiring and part of it is my source code.
I won't go into details but some of my problems come from my parents (in case you didn't get the metaphor) and the rest come from my thought process, how my brain works (the wiring).
I don't have radar of any kind.
Recently I went to a bar just to see what it was like. To be honest I freaked. I sat there for about 25 minutes and realized I had not one thing in common with anyone in that room. More to the point there was not one single woman there I would have wanted to talk to...at all. I left having made some great deductions and that has led to this post.
I am not going to find anyone I want to be with at a bar/club/normal public gathering. I need to be with someone that gets my shit, period. I am not going to have a relationship with someone that is going to resent my time spent gaming, cause it is going to be the source of my income so if you dis my gaming you dis me. Besides I want to share my life with someone not keep it in the closet most of the time only to take it out for an airing once in a while.
The ability to speak like a normal person escapes me. I either speak to softly or to fast. I am not that spontaneous when it comes to speaking in a group. I just don't have the skills. It reminds me of an episode of Brady Bunch (yeah how corny is this, equating my situation to that show) where Peter tries to be bicycle repair person. The owner tells him that he gets it in his brain but something is lost in the translation to his hands. Well that is me with my brain and mouth, they just don't speak the same language.
Now we come to a rather weighty subject. Me. I know that everyone has said that it is not a big deal but it is. I am over weight. Now I have lost some of it but it never seems to truly go away. For a couple of years I have tried to eat right, work out and generally mind my calories and foods. Although it did result in some changes it never went all the way. It stopped cold and nothing I would do changed it. That last hurdle just laughed at me month after month. The harder I worked the less things changed. My waist never dropped past a certain amount (although I know my bones have something to do with it) and my belly never went away. Frustration is all it got me. Now I don't have access to a gym and even though I could some of this stuff at home it just get harder and harder to get motivated here. I feel hopeless in this matter which only leads me to make bad decisions. Enough of this subject.
Wow that was depressing. I could go further into my current situation, being unemployed and all but that will go nowhere. Besides this has gone on long enough and I need to come to the point.
With all of this weighing on my mind I have decided to accept my lot in life of being alone. Enough with all this worrying about it, stressing over it and letting it get me down. It is what it is and there is little I can do to change it. Yes there are some things but I see little hope of getting worth while results out of expenditure of resources.
I am letting all the hoping and dreaming about not being alone go. No more crazy plots or plans to find the right person. No sleepless nights depressed about it.
I will be alone. I will accept being alone. I will move on and live my life, alone.
Well that about sums it up. I am done for now.
May the Force be with you
Excelsior!!!
I just posted a note on Facebook where I made a statement. I don't normally go off on self explaining rants but this time I kinda want to. Not so much to tell everyone out there anything but instead to get my thoughts in a cohesive matrix so I can understand them. In other words get my ducks in row so I don't quack up. Ha I made a funny...Oh yes I did!
Some facts about me. I have had exactly 2 girlfriends in my life. The first was in high school and her name was Nicole Pascal. She was 2 years older then I was at the time, a bit taller (can you imagine) and about half again as big, not fat just big. She had an amazing smile, could laugh the sting off a bee and for a short time we were in love.
What happened you ask? Well life happened as did the 80's. For all the forward thinking that was supposedly going on it was still taboo to date a black woman. Between my parents (worried about the rest of my family, truly) and her family and friends we broke up. I do believe I broke it off, for which I still have to bash my head in when I think about it.
Just goes to prove that if you are thinking of doing something because someone else thinks you should, stop, hit yourself with a big stick and loudly say "NO". Then dig a big pit in the ground gather a bunch of squirrels and put them in there for, say a month so they get good and ravenous. Then invite the people over who were telling you what to do and shove them in and tell them you think they should get mauled by a horde of ravenous squirrels. I think they will get the picture and if not who cares cause they have been mauled by ravenous squirrels. Oh and for shits and giggles set the squirrels on fire cause that makes it cooler.
So that was when I was like 15/16. Now we can jump ahead to 2006 I am 37 and I meet Terri. An amazing woman who liked me. I liked her and we had a good time for about a year and a half. This time it was her that did the breaking and she sighted that we were going in different directions. There is a tome of things my mind has come up with as to why she left me but all in all it dose not matter, she left and that was that.
I still love her and want her to be happy. I mean it now as I meant it when I first said it. I found out she is with someone and it seems she is happy. I am glad for her. '
So when I realized she was in a relationship I sorta realized that I am not. I am no closer to one either. I have no idea how to start one. More importantly I don't believe I am capable of really having one. Part of it is my wiring and part of it is my source code.
I won't go into details but some of my problems come from my parents (in case you didn't get the metaphor) and the rest come from my thought process, how my brain works (the wiring).
I don't have radar of any kind.
Recently I went to a bar just to see what it was like. To be honest I freaked. I sat there for about 25 minutes and realized I had not one thing in common with anyone in that room. More to the point there was not one single woman there I would have wanted to talk to...at all. I left having made some great deductions and that has led to this post.
I am not going to find anyone I want to be with at a bar/club/normal public gathering. I need to be with someone that gets my shit, period. I am not going to have a relationship with someone that is going to resent my time spent gaming, cause it is going to be the source of my income so if you dis my gaming you dis me. Besides I want to share my life with someone not keep it in the closet most of the time only to take it out for an airing once in a while.
The ability to speak like a normal person escapes me. I either speak to softly or to fast. I am not that spontaneous when it comes to speaking in a group. I just don't have the skills. It reminds me of an episode of Brady Bunch (yeah how corny is this, equating my situation to that show) where Peter tries to be bicycle repair person. The owner tells him that he gets it in his brain but something is lost in the translation to his hands. Well that is me with my brain and mouth, they just don't speak the same language.
Now we come to a rather weighty subject. Me. I know that everyone has said that it is not a big deal but it is. I am over weight. Now I have lost some of it but it never seems to truly go away. For a couple of years I have tried to eat right, work out and generally mind my calories and foods. Although it did result in some changes it never went all the way. It stopped cold and nothing I would do changed it. That last hurdle just laughed at me month after month. The harder I worked the less things changed. My waist never dropped past a certain amount (although I know my bones have something to do with it) and my belly never went away. Frustration is all it got me. Now I don't have access to a gym and even though I could some of this stuff at home it just get harder and harder to get motivated here. I feel hopeless in this matter which only leads me to make bad decisions. Enough of this subject.
Wow that was depressing. I could go further into my current situation, being unemployed and all but that will go nowhere. Besides this has gone on long enough and I need to come to the point.
With all of this weighing on my mind I have decided to accept my lot in life of being alone. Enough with all this worrying about it, stressing over it and letting it get me down. It is what it is and there is little I can do to change it. Yes there are some things but I see little hope of getting worth while results out of expenditure of resources.
I am letting all the hoping and dreaming about not being alone go. No more crazy plots or plans to find the right person. No sleepless nights depressed about it.
I will be alone. I will accept being alone. I will move on and live my life, alone.
Well that about sums it up. I am done for now.
May the Force be with you
Excelsior!!!
Friday, January 30, 2009
Matt-Man Just Might Be Crazy
Hail and well met
Let it not be said that I am sane in any way. Although if you asked many I am sure it would boil down to me being a rather uninteresting person. Probably my most notable trait is being late for just about everything, unless I leave an hour beforehand. Soft spoken if at all and when I do speak it is at the speed of thought so it is hard to understand, a problem I am going mad trying to fix. Not that much to look at, tried losing weight only to have it laugh and take a seat on the sofa. I am not getting down on myself just stating facts. Oh one more is that I seem to attract women that are already taken...which has its own set of luggage as far as mental baggage goes.
So all of this sums up a rather boring person, not prone to flights of mad fancy (I'M FANCY!).
NOT!!!!!!
SO NOT!!!!!
Why do you ask? Well if anyone with my history ever thought of doing what I am going to do they would surgically remove four of their vertebrae and eat their own ass.
At first when I first was confronted with this idea I laughed inside and I mean really laughed inside. Then I stepped back and just chalked it up to mid life crisis, you know the red (insert appropriate sports car name here) to prove having a working penis or some such tripe. Then I realized that for the most part if I can recognize it as such then it really isn't. Much as a person that can question if they are sane is sane, maybe some problems but not looney. Then again thinking of what I am thinking is proof positive sanity is long gone.
This is as far from rational thought as it can get. Add a unhealthy dose of WTF and you are only a state or two away from where I must be...but I like it here.
I have to face it that I will never be able to go back to what I was when I was a simple cog in someone's machine. Nope I have changed, evolved, been transformed (well given my size there is definitely more then meets the eye Neal cringes) into a new creature and trying to go back is just going to end in failure.
I bet some of you have figured it out already but some probably haven't. For those that have good for you, although until I tell the world you won't know for certain. For everyone else...HA you will just have to wait.
I know something you don't know!!!!
Yeah I am a grown up....Well, mature....Well, old.
Nah I am as young as when the world was new and the sun first shown its light upon creation.
May the Force be with you
Excelsior!!!
Let it not be said that I am sane in any way. Although if you asked many I am sure it would boil down to me being a rather uninteresting person. Probably my most notable trait is being late for just about everything, unless I leave an hour beforehand. Soft spoken if at all and when I do speak it is at the speed of thought so it is hard to understand, a problem I am going mad trying to fix. Not that much to look at, tried losing weight only to have it laugh and take a seat on the sofa. I am not getting down on myself just stating facts. Oh one more is that I seem to attract women that are already taken...which has its own set of luggage as far as mental baggage goes.
So all of this sums up a rather boring person, not prone to flights of mad fancy (I'M FANCY!).
NOT!!!!!!
SO NOT!!!!!
Why do you ask? Well if anyone with my history ever thought of doing what I am going to do they would surgically remove four of their vertebrae and eat their own ass.
At first when I first was confronted with this idea I laughed inside and I mean really laughed inside. Then I stepped back and just chalked it up to mid life crisis, you know the red (insert appropriate sports car name here) to prove having a working penis or some such tripe. Then I realized that for the most part if I can recognize it as such then it really isn't. Much as a person that can question if they are sane is sane, maybe some problems but not looney. Then again thinking of what I am thinking is proof positive sanity is long gone.
This is as far from rational thought as it can get. Add a unhealthy dose of WTF and you are only a state or two away from where I must be...but I like it here.
I have to face it that I will never be able to go back to what I was when I was a simple cog in someone's machine. Nope I have changed, evolved, been transformed (well given my size there is definitely more then meets the eye Neal cringes) into a new creature and trying to go back is just going to end in failure.
I bet some of you have figured it out already but some probably haven't. For those that have good for you, although until I tell the world you won't know for certain. For everyone else...HA you will just have to wait.
I know something you don't know!!!!
Yeah I am a grown up....Well, mature....Well, old.
Nah I am as young as when the world was new and the sun first shown its light upon creation.
May the Force be with you
Excelsior!!!
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Matt-Man Drops the Ball
Hail and well met
Well this is going to be a short post (at least I hope it will). It was brought to my attention this evening that the game I was running on Monday's...sucks. That is not what was said but there is no denying it is true. When a player states that they get stressed out and bummed out after a session that defines "sucks".
Yes I was upset but not at them, at myself. Yes it hurt but not as much as it would have if they had not said anything at all. Yes after hearing it I can see it plain as day.
I could fill this post pointing out all the ways I created suckage. There is a whole essay on "What not to do as a GM". All that would end up being is me tearing myself down and beating myself up over it. Instead I am just going to be proactive about it.
It's dead and I am going to bury it.
This is an edit of the original post. I am not going to give up. I am going to get back on the damn horse and I am going to ride into the sunset.
May the Force be with you
Excelsior!!!
Well this is going to be a short post (at least I hope it will). It was brought to my attention this evening that the game I was running on Monday's...sucks. That is not what was said but there is no denying it is true. When a player states that they get stressed out and bummed out after a session that defines "sucks".
Yes I was upset but not at them, at myself. Yes it hurt but not as much as it would have if they had not said anything at all. Yes after hearing it I can see it plain as day.
I could fill this post pointing out all the ways I created suckage. There is a whole essay on "What not to do as a GM". All that would end up being is me tearing myself down and beating myself up over it. Instead I am just going to be proactive about it.
It's dead and I am going to bury it.
This is an edit of the original post. I am not going to give up. I am going to get back on the damn horse and I am going to ride into the sunset.
May the Force be with you
Excelsior!!!
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Matt-Man Laughs....Cause Its True!!!!
Hail and well met
This here is a post from an email I got from the G-mail. It was sent along by a good friend and to say it made me laugh is an understatement. According to the title of the email it comes from Jeff Foxworhty. Here it goes, know you are going to laugh as much as I did.....Cause its true!
Here's to Chicago ! Ya gotta love it!
If your local Dairy Queen is closed from September through May, you live in Chicago
If someone in a Home Depot store offers you assistance and they don't work there, you live in Chicago
If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you live in Chicago
If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you live in Chicago
If "Vacation" means going anywhere south of I-80 for the weekend, you live in Chicago
If you measure distance in hours, you live in Chicago
If you have switched from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day and back again, you live in Chicago
If you can drive 75 mph th rough 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard without flinching, you live in Chicago
If you carry jumpers in your car and your wife knows how to use them, you live in Chicago
If you design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit, you live in Chicago
If the speed limit on the highway is 55 mph -- you're going 80 and everybody is passing you, you live in Chicago
If driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow, you live in Chicago
If you know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction, you live in Chicago
If you have more miles on your snow blower than your car, you live in Chicago
If you find 10 degrees "a little chilly", you live in Chicago
If you actually understand these jokes, and forward them to all your Chicago friends & others, you live or have lived in Chicago.
May the Force be with you
Excelsior!!!
This here is a post from an email I got from the G-mail. It was sent along by a good friend and to say it made me laugh is an understatement. According to the title of the email it comes from Jeff Foxworhty. Here it goes, know you are going to laugh as much as I did.....Cause its true!
Here's to Chicago ! Ya gotta love it!
If your local Dairy Queen is closed from September through May, you live in Chicago
If someone in a Home Depot store offers you assistance and they don't work there, you live in Chicago
If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you live in Chicago
If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you live in Chicago
If "Vacation" means going anywhere south of I-80 for the weekend, you live in Chicago
If you measure distance in hours, you live in Chicago
If you have switched from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day and back again, you live in Chicago
If you can drive 75 mph th rough 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard without flinching, you live in Chicago
If you carry jumpers in your car and your wife knows how to use them, you live in Chicago
If you design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit, you live in Chicago
If the speed limit on the highway is 55 mph -- you're going 80 and everybody is passing you, you live in Chicago
If driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow, you live in Chicago
If you know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction, you live in Chicago
If you have more miles on your snow blower than your car, you live in Chicago
If you find 10 degrees "a little chilly", you live in Chicago
If you actually understand these jokes, and forward them to all your Chicago friends & others, you live or have lived in Chicago.
May the Force be with you
Excelsior!!!
Monday, January 19, 2009
Matt-Man Sees the Living Color
Hail and well met
Not going to spend a great deal of time. I find that in many ways this whole blogging thing is more trouble then its worth. Time spent spewing bits of tripe about my life, where I am, where I was, what I am feeling. All of it goes nowhere and accomplishes nothing.
I have begun to see that I live in a moment. From one to the next. I don't connect them nor to I dwell on them when they have passed. It is the one reason my memory is so terrible. Recent events have shown me this and dredged up some old memories. I could have gotten depressed over them. The loss of something I loved, the way it all happened again later on. The fact that I am sitting here right now unemployed and on the verge of being homeless again.
It would be expected and accepted if I said my life was null and void.
But I won't. I don't. All I can think and say is this...
"Let there be Light."
Excelsior!!!
Not going to spend a great deal of time. I find that in many ways this whole blogging thing is more trouble then its worth. Time spent spewing bits of tripe about my life, where I am, where I was, what I am feeling. All of it goes nowhere and accomplishes nothing.
I have begun to see that I live in a moment. From one to the next. I don't connect them nor to I dwell on them when they have passed. It is the one reason my memory is so terrible. Recent events have shown me this and dredged up some old memories. I could have gotten depressed over them. The loss of something I loved, the way it all happened again later on. The fact that I am sitting here right now unemployed and on the verge of being homeless again.
It would be expected and accepted if I said my life was null and void.
But I won't. I don't. All I can think and say is this...
"Let there be Light."
Excelsior!!!
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Matt-Man Mourns The Passing Of a Great Man
KHANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!
Hail and well met
It is a little shabbier in the world today. Things are a bit dimmer and lack a sense of elegance. Today Ricardo Montalban passed away at the age of 88. He is known for his portrayal of Khan in both the original Star Trek series and the second feature motion picture "The Wraith of Khan". He also stared on the TV series Fantasy Island alongside Hervé Villechaize in the late 70's. He lent his amazing voice to cartoons such as Freakazoid and Kim Possible. All of this just scratches the surface of his long career.
I remember him with a strong sense of what a man should be like. Strong but gentile. Firm but not forceful. There are no words that can truly convey what he was to me but I can tell you that all of us should strive to be just a little like him and the world would be a better place.
The world he has entered is now a better place then it was. My thoughts and prayers are with his family.
Hail and well met
It is a little shabbier in the world today. Things are a bit dimmer and lack a sense of elegance. Today Ricardo Montalban passed away at the age of 88. He is known for his portrayal of Khan in both the original Star Trek series and the second feature motion picture "The Wraith of Khan". He also stared on the TV series Fantasy Island alongside Hervé Villechaize in the late 70's. He lent his amazing voice to cartoons such as Freakazoid and Kim Possible. All of this just scratches the surface of his long career.
I remember him with a strong sense of what a man should be like. Strong but gentile. Firm but not forceful. There are no words that can truly convey what he was to me but I can tell you that all of us should strive to be just a little like him and the world would be a better place.
The world he has entered is now a better place then it was. My thoughts and prayers are with his family.
November 25, 1920 - January 14, 2009
This post was scored by Amazing Grace from the soundtrack to Star Trek 2 The Wrath of Khan.
May the Force be with you.
Excelsior!!!
This post was scored by Amazing Grace from the soundtrack to Star Trek 2 The Wrath of Khan.
May the Force be with you.
Excelsior!!!
Thursday, January 01, 2009
Matt-Man: It's a Brand New Year, Day, Life!
This post was scored with Bon Jovi's "It's My Life".
Hail and well met.
I want to yell out to the world something. I am not doing the whole resolution thing. I reject the idea as a whole. No I am not saying that there are not things that I need to change, well actually I am. You see I realize that I cannot change these things, it is impossible.
I see that the only way I have of trying to change things in me is to plan a course of action based on my perceptions of those things in my life I want to change. My best analogy is drawing a course (which is basically drawing a line) from my past through my present towards my future. If I use my perceptions of my character which are all based on my mental recall of events and how I felt about them then I am using the exact things that are my problem to try and plot a new course away from them. I make them an integral part which makes it impossible to remove them because then I lose them as a reference point for this new course. I may not be making sense to anyone with words so here is a visual aide.
Okay here is the basic set up. I am in the now or the present I have past through certain events in my life that have that are represented by the circles. These are all a part of my memory and I think of them when events happen that resemble them. I relive those moments and feel the echoes of the feelings I had when they happened. No matter good or bad if I attempt to plot my course of actions based on those events all I will accomplish is reincarnating those same events over and over again. Here is another visual aide...
You see it just repeating, reliving and reincarnating the same things over and over again. Nothing changes and I don't grow. Life doesn't like things that don't change, it is the purist axiom I know.
Change is the only constant in the universe.
So events and influences enter my life every day that want to turn me down a different direction and bring me to new circumstances. But these are not the circumstances I planned for, not the destination I set my course for. So what happens when I come across them? Well here is are a couple of diagrams that will show you..
Everything changes whether I like it or not. Even by trying not to change causes changes. I become resistant to everything that wants to bring change into my life and with that resistance comes conflict. This conflict is always viewed as being against me changing my circumstances, except the truth is that I am not changing my circumstances but recreating them. So the reality is that I am fighting a new set of circumstances, the very thing I really want and forcing myself to relive the circumstance I wanted to change. The real kicker is that I end up blaming the new circumstances trying desperately to reveal themselves to me for the relived circumstances I wanted to change and then start all over again.
But there is hope. First I must recognize the events that are driving my course of actions, I must then understand what I am doing by using them to plan a way to change them and finally I must ACCEPT them as part of my PAST and put them back there where they belong. It looks something like this...
It is freeing to release all those memories are just echoes of the past and put them where they belong. It is unnerving to realize that to really change I must do nothing more then let go of any ideas or plans to accomplish that change. That nothing I could buy, achieve, possess or even fall in love with could ever bring about that change. That is not to say that buying things or achieving things etc. is inherently bad for me, it is in many cases necessary for me to do those things to simply survive. No it is when I believe that I will achieve a change in myself from those outside events, beyond the immediate rush of getting what I believe will change me which quickly fades leaving me with the truth that nothing has really changed, that they are bad. So it is the intent with witch I embark on these events that determines their inherent good or evil.
So now with this new freedom I find that I can chart a completely free course that is not confined to any particular direction or outcome. I can let the events that are before me bring me the challenges of facing them without allowing my past experiences to determine the outcomes and emerge a newer and newer being. Growing in great new world, which I am now a free flowing part in.
Now I cannot take credit for the basis and content of the idea, that comes from a teacher named Guy Finley. Look him up on the web at
www.Guyfinley.com
I just saw a way to express the ideas he was teaching that resonated with me and I hope will with everyone else.
That is why I renounce that tradition of New Years Resolutions because I don't need to try and change anything in my life. I must except that what I have done is done and in the past, I must understand that nothing I could try and do to escape from who I was then will ever accomplish anything other then reincarnating that person in me over and over again while depriving me of the opportunities to become a new person.
I look forward to facing this new year with an open heart and mind. Let the Creator give me those experiences that I must face to change me into a part of the larger world (I don't mean the big picture either, but the spiritual world that goes far beyond this one and yet is all around us every day).
May the Force be with you
Excelsior!!!
Hail and well met.
I want to yell out to the world something. I am not doing the whole resolution thing. I reject the idea as a whole. No I am not saying that there are not things that I need to change, well actually I am. You see I realize that I cannot change these things, it is impossible.
I see that the only way I have of trying to change things in me is to plan a course of action based on my perceptions of those things in my life I want to change. My best analogy is drawing a course (which is basically drawing a line) from my past through my present towards my future. If I use my perceptions of my character which are all based on my mental recall of events and how I felt about them then I am using the exact things that are my problem to try and plot a new course away from them. I make them an integral part which makes it impossible to remove them because then I lose them as a reference point for this new course. I may not be making sense to anyone with words so here is a visual aide.
Okay here is the basic set up. I am in the now or the present I have past through certain events in my life that have that are represented by the circles. These are all a part of my memory and I think of them when events happen that resemble them. I relive those moments and feel the echoes of the feelings I had when they happened. No matter good or bad if I attempt to plot my course of actions based on those events all I will accomplish is reincarnating those same events over and over again. Here is another visual aide...
You see it just repeating, reliving and reincarnating the same things over and over again. Nothing changes and I don't grow. Life doesn't like things that don't change, it is the purist axiom I know.
Change is the only constant in the universe.
So events and influences enter my life every day that want to turn me down a different direction and bring me to new circumstances. But these are not the circumstances I planned for, not the destination I set my course for. So what happens when I come across them? Well here is are a couple of diagrams that will show you..
Everything changes whether I like it or not. Even by trying not to change causes changes. I become resistant to everything that wants to bring change into my life and with that resistance comes conflict. This conflict is always viewed as being against me changing my circumstances, except the truth is that I am not changing my circumstances but recreating them. So the reality is that I am fighting a new set of circumstances, the very thing I really want and forcing myself to relive the circumstance I wanted to change. The real kicker is that I end up blaming the new circumstances trying desperately to reveal themselves to me for the relived circumstances I wanted to change and then start all over again.
But there is hope. First I must recognize the events that are driving my course of actions, I must then understand what I am doing by using them to plan a way to change them and finally I must ACCEPT them as part of my PAST and put them back there where they belong. It looks something like this...
It is freeing to release all those memories are just echoes of the past and put them where they belong. It is unnerving to realize that to really change I must do nothing more then let go of any ideas or plans to accomplish that change. That nothing I could buy, achieve, possess or even fall in love with could ever bring about that change. That is not to say that buying things or achieving things etc. is inherently bad for me, it is in many cases necessary for me to do those things to simply survive. No it is when I believe that I will achieve a change in myself from those outside events, beyond the immediate rush of getting what I believe will change me which quickly fades leaving me with the truth that nothing has really changed, that they are bad. So it is the intent with witch I embark on these events that determines their inherent good or evil.
So now with this new freedom I find that I can chart a completely free course that is not confined to any particular direction or outcome. I can let the events that are before me bring me the challenges of facing them without allowing my past experiences to determine the outcomes and emerge a newer and newer being. Growing in great new world, which I am now a free flowing part in.
Now I cannot take credit for the basis and content of the idea, that comes from a teacher named Guy Finley. Look him up on the web at
www.Guyfinley.com
I just saw a way to express the ideas he was teaching that resonated with me and I hope will with everyone else.
That is why I renounce that tradition of New Years Resolutions because I don't need to try and change anything in my life. I must except that what I have done is done and in the past, I must understand that nothing I could try and do to escape from who I was then will ever accomplish anything other then reincarnating that person in me over and over again while depriving me of the opportunities to become a new person.
I look forward to facing this new year with an open heart and mind. Let the Creator give me those experiences that I must face to change me into a part of the larger world (I don't mean the big picture either, but the spiritual world that goes far beyond this one and yet is all around us every day).
May the Force be with you
Excelsior!!!
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