Yes it is that time of year again and the lists have shown up. I have to answer 40 questions later. I had fun with this and hope you all enjoy reading it.
1. Copy this whole list into your journal.
2. Bold the things that are true about you.
3. Whatever you don’t bold is false
01. I miss somebody right now. (You know who you are)
02. I don’t watch much TV these days (No time too much gaming...no such thing)
03. I love olives (Yucky)
04. I love sleeping even though i barely sleep
05. I own lots of books (Even excluding all my RPG books)
06. I wear glasses or contact lenses
07. I love to play video games (Just not enough time in the day)
08. I’ve tried marijuana
09. I’ve watched porn movies (Hey I am a 36 year old virgin, got to realese some how!)
10. I have been in a threesome (Ummmmm no I am a VIRGIN dammit!)
11. I have been the psycho-ex in a past relationship
12. I believe honesty is usually the best policy
13. I have acne free skin
14. I like and respect Al Sharpton (Who?)
15. I curse frequently (F@#k Yeah I do)
16. I have changed a lot mentally over the last year
17. I have a hobby (I have many)
18 I’ve been told I: (women) have an applebottom, (men) am packing.
19. I carry my knife/razor everywhere with me
20. I’m really, really smart
21. I’ve never broken someone’s bones
22. I have a secret that I am ashamed to reveal
23. I hate the rain
24. I’m paranoid at times
25. I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar-free (Well duh I would suck this fat right off my body)
26. I need money right now! (Who doesn't?)
27. I love Sushi
28. I talk really, really fast (Yup I do)
29. I have fresh breath in the morning (HA)
30. I have semi-long hair (If you mean as long as a semi then definately)
31. I have lost money in Las Vegas
32. I have at least one brother and/or one sister (I have Chris, does that count?)
33. I was born in a country outside of the U.S.
34. I shave my legs (females) or face (males) on a regular basis
35. I have a twin
36. I have worn fake hair/fingernails/eyelashes in the past
37. I couldn’t survive without Caller I.D.
38. I like the way that I look sometimes (RIGHT!)
39. I have lied to a good friend in the last 6 months
40. I know how to cornrow (Technically I know the mechanics but have never done it)
41. I am usually pessimistic
42. I have a lot of mood swings (Hey its me!)
43. I think prostitution should be legalized (Yeah then I could make money...Uh well....I mean.....Well someone has to want fat guys. right?)
44. I think Britney Spears is hot (With the right computer enhancements I could look as good at times)
45. I have cheated on a significant other in the past
46. I have a hidden talent (Nope I pretty much have to use the one I have to survive)
47. I’m always hyper no matter how much sugar I have
48. I think that I’m popular (Who wrote these anyway?)
49. I am currently single (I hope to God not forever)
50. I have kissed someone of the same sex (thought about it but never done it)
51. I enjoy talking on the phone mainly only to my friends that live far away though (Nope I am the worst person to keep in touch with. Telephone, letter, email I just don't use them)
52. I practically live in sweatpants or PJ pants only 'cause I can't be naked when the roommates are home (Are you crazy?! Have you seen me? Even with clothes on I am a bit of a shock! I have to cover the mirror in the bathroom when I take a shower! No not never!)
53. I love to shop (I hate to admit it but I can spend hours in a Walmart or Kmart looking at clothes, and I usually walk out with something. And don't talk to me about Borders!)
54. I would rather shop than eat (Um look at me and you know that answer)
55. I would classify myself as ghetto
56. I’m bourgie and have worn a sweater tied around my shoulders
57. I’m obsessed with my Xanga or Livejournal
58. I don’t hate anyone. I dislike them.
59. I’m a pretty good dancer
60. I don’t think Mike Tyson raped Desiree Washington
61. I’m completely embarrassed to be seen with my mother
62. I have a cell phone
63. I believe in God (Does the Force count?)
64. I watch MTV on a daily basis
65. I have passed out drunk in the past 6 months
66. I love drama (Like I have a choice? I either love it or I cry....a lot)
67. I have never been in a real relationship before (I am in the market though)
68. I’ve rejected someone before
69. I currently have a crush on someone (yeah no comment...Well other then this one)
70. I have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life
71. I want to have children in the future
72. I have changed a diaper before
73. I’ve called the cops on a friend before
74. I bite my nails
75. I am a member of the Tom Green fan club
76. I’m not allergic to anything (pepperoni)
77. I have a lot to learn (Don't we all?)
78. I have dated someone at least 10 years older or younger (Um no comment...Again)
79. I plan on seeing Ice Cube’s newest "Friday" movie
80. I am very shy around the opposite sex sometimes. (Sometimes? Only sometimes?)
81. I’m online 24/7, even as an away message
82. I have at least 5 away messages saved
83. I have tried alcohol or drugs before
84. I have made a move on a friend’s significant other in the past
85. I own the "South Park" movie
86. I have avoided assignments at work to be on Xanga or Livejournal (
But I was the boss so dose that count?)
87. When I was a kid I played "the birds and the bees" with a neighbor or chum
88. I enjoy some country music
89. I would die for my best friend (Each and everyone of them)
90. I think that Pizza Hut has the best pizza
91. I watch soap operas whenever I can
92. I’m obsessive, anal retentive, and often a perfectionist (Dammit!)
93. I have used my sexuality to advance my career
94. I love Michael Jackson, scandals and all
95. I know all the words to Slick Rick’s "Children’s Story"
96. Halloween is awesome because you get free candy
97. I watch Spongebob Squarepants and I like it
98. I have dated a close friend’s ex
99. I have cut my self before (not purposely, but very badly!)
100. I am happy at this moment (I am adding some because i can!)
101.I don't have a best friend.
102. I feel very alone even when I am around people.-(Only sometimes.)
103.I am so pissed. (almost but not quite to the point of suicide)
Only 44. Not to shabby. See you all later
May the Force be with you
Excelsior!!!
Monday, December 12, 2005
Sunday, December 11, 2005
The Lord of the Titles: The Fellowship of the Title extended edition
I have been dying to use that one for a little while. LOL
So last night I typed at the loft and this morning my hands are telling me about it. OUCH!
Anyway I said that I had something else to post about and I do. Yesterday was a blast. Val, Chris and myself went to sign them up at Bally's and then we were heading to Orland mall to visit the GW Store (Sorry Ben I did not know that you weren't working).
It all started around 12ish when I got up to the store. Val was there and we talked and chatted for a few, had a smoke and chatted some more. Chris had called the Store before I got there and said that he was going to take a shower after work and then he would be ready to go. Well 1 came and went but that was not a big deal. Then 2 came and I started to get antsy cause I wanted to go. By now the jokes about Chris needing help"taking a shower" were flying, but it was meant in jest and no malice could be found in it.
Finally Chris called and we went to pick him up. As we drove up I was unsure whether to honk or go to the door when Chris appeared. He as desperately trying to walk away but his mom was right there and they were talking about something. Then he walked down and stopped at a light post in their yard. He changed the light bulb! Val and I could not contain our mirth and broke out laughing. I was laughing more because I could just imagine his mom "Are you leaving Chris? Oh well...Um...Here change the light bulb in the lamppost. Oh well I guess you can go" She can be just a little dependent, clingy, wanty....Yeah she is a pain. Sorry Chris but it is true.
Anyway Val had this idea to joke with Chris when he got in the van. After we had said our "hello"s and "how ya doing"s Val with a straight face said.
"Hey Chris do you think you could change this light?" and tapped the dome light on the van roof. We all started laughing.
I drove them to Bally's so they could fill out the paperwork. As I did I gave them the nickel tour of my home town.
"Yeah I live over there" I point to a group of houses "You cannot see it, its is behind them."
Yeah over there is where I went to Rich Beast(East) High School," pointing down a street "and there is Forest Jail (Trail) Jr High I went there as well" a quick point to a group of buildings just past more houses.
No I don't really show many people where I grew up. What is the point? I mostly hated my childhood, the only things worth remembering are my friends and of those only a few remain. James is my "Brother from another mother" (slang for a real good friend, kind of like you Mikey) Jim is much the same and Mike...Well I have to work on that. We live only a few blocks away and yet I barely see him. But I digress from the tale.
So we get to Bally's and go inside. Dave the guy that I have been talking too and signed up with was not there but the girl behind the counter was able to help us. Into a office she whisks us and Val and Chris gave their info. Then I had to sign a slew of papers. They just got to stand there and watch, lucky devils. We all got our pictures taken and cards were received making us official. Then it was off to Orland.
The drive there was boring, up 57 and then over on 80. We got off at Lagrange and headed into town. The traffic was OK until we hit the city proper and then it slowed down. The only thing keeping us going were the police officers at every intersection, and I mean every intersection. That has got to suck, standing in the cold directing traffic with slick conditions all around and people driving like they do. With some patience we finally made it to the mall. Then the fun began.
The lot was packed. Of course being Christmas season what did we expect, easy parking? I finally found a spot half filled with a pile of snow and plowed my way in. I love driving a mini van. It was a walk to the door, but we were on our way. Inside it was crowded. Again nothing out of the ordinary for the season. The GW store was right there and we were in.
As always when entering we were greeted and immediately confronted with the standard question. "What game to you play?" in anticipation of shoving the newest releases down our throats and sucking every last dollar out of wallets. In succession we all responded "Warmachine" and that just shut the clerk down. He just stood there twitching. I almost busted out laughing. Then he tried to recover and Val finished him off with "I have been playing since Rouge Trader so don't even try it" Or something to that effect and he left us alone. I had a chance to talk to an acquaintance, Cliff who had been the store manager a year ago. He looked good and sounded good. It was nice to see him again. I may dislike GW for their practices but they are still good people. Anyway he is now in charge of regional training for their stores and was in that day to oversee some changes. My lucky day then to see him. We chatted about Eldar (Warhammer 40k's version of elves in space) and he shared some things that he had seen in the works. I really like the Eldar and even though I hate to admit it I still like 40k as a game, as do Val and Chris. So as we left we spoke and decided that we should still play, just between ourselves though and forget the stupid GW zealots.
Wow this is long, but it was an eventful day. After getting out of the GW store we thought about getting something to eat. So we headed down to the food court. BIG MISTAKE! It was a mad house with not a table to be found. I had had enough of the whole crowded mall thing and suggested that we leave and find somewhere else to eat. They agreed and we exited.
After taking a back way out to avoid the traffic madness we headed to a place to grab some grub. While on the way I mentioned "BG Fries" and Chris swooned. He loves them and I must admit that I do to. So I suggested that we hit Dean's Gyros since it was just a little off the path to return to GO. It was agreed and I navigated us there with ease. We arrived as snow started really falling and went inside.
Chris and I ordered "double burgers" and BG Fries, Val had a beef sandwich with peppers. Now I am not complaining in the least when I ask this question, I just want to know. When something says "double" that usually means two right? Well this burger had four patties on it. Again I am not complaining because it was awesome, it just threw me. The BG Fries were amazing as usual, and I ended up giving half to Chris since I was full. Yes the fat man was full, besides Chris is a growing boy and needs his fat and starch to get all big and strong. No wait the other one....Fat. Sorry Chris I just couldn't resist. Hey have you changed that light yet? LOL I am evil.
When we left Chris called GO to tell them we were on our way, which was fine. Mr. S had told everyone we were going to be late so no one was worried. We got back and started D&D. It was fun and entertaining. I keep forgetting about the character that I am running in the campaign, Xander. So at times it seems that he is sitting there not helping out, but I just forget. I always find some way to explain his lack of involvement in a positive way but that won't last. The big reason that he is there is as a plot device and healer, since the group lacks one. And in D&D having a healer is a good thing.
The game went well my players fought off 4 mega-raptors and a purple worm while on their way to parlay with the hobgoblin tribes in the south. I know that most of you have no idea what the heck I am talking about, but just ignore it if you don't. Everyone had a good time and that is what mattered most. During the game Kirby showed up at the store and that was an awesome moment. I had not seen him in weeks and so a break was taken so that I could say hey.
He is doing good. He is working for the Bulls organization, I think as a raffle ticket seller and now as a Matador. I had no real idea what that was until he explained. I will give a simple version here in case any of you see him so he can give you the full story. They are a group of large men who come out during the time outs and perform a dance set to music. Think loveabulls only large men bouncing around. They practice the dance just like the loveabulls and in fact they practice with them. Yeah that must suck (sarcasm drips like Chinese water torture). He likes it and he is having fun with it. That is a good thing.
Well after D&D we went out and bowled three games. I did ok, my last game was the best at a 156! Chris made a suggestion that made a huge difference. See I have been working out, so my arms are stronger. I was throwing the ball with all my strength, and my game was in the gutter. Chris said that I should ease up and not try and go all out with each throw. He was so right. I felt better, my elbow did not burn like it had been and my game was better. Thanks Chris!
Well that was yesterday. A extremely good day. I look forward to spending time with Chris and Val at our workout sessions. This week should be fun with several people coming home from school. I hope that finals have gone and will go well. I may not believe in luck but I will say this anyway.
Good luck to all of you!
Thanks for stopping by and reading. I will see everyone soon. Love ya!
May the Force be with you
Excelsior!!!
So last night I typed at the loft and this morning my hands are telling me about it. OUCH!
Anyway I said that I had something else to post about and I do. Yesterday was a blast. Val, Chris and myself went to sign them up at Bally's and then we were heading to Orland mall to visit the GW Store (Sorry Ben I did not know that you weren't working).
It all started around 12ish when I got up to the store. Val was there and we talked and chatted for a few, had a smoke and chatted some more. Chris had called the Store before I got there and said that he was going to take a shower after work and then he would be ready to go. Well 1 came and went but that was not a big deal. Then 2 came and I started to get antsy cause I wanted to go. By now the jokes about Chris needing help"taking a shower" were flying, but it was meant in jest and no malice could be found in it.
Finally Chris called and we went to pick him up. As we drove up I was unsure whether to honk or go to the door when Chris appeared. He as desperately trying to walk away but his mom was right there and they were talking about something. Then he walked down and stopped at a light post in their yard. He changed the light bulb! Val and I could not contain our mirth and broke out laughing. I was laughing more because I could just imagine his mom "Are you leaving Chris? Oh well...Um...Here change the light bulb in the lamppost. Oh well I guess you can go" She can be just a little dependent, clingy, wanty....Yeah she is a pain. Sorry Chris but it is true.
Anyway Val had this idea to joke with Chris when he got in the van. After we had said our "hello"s and "how ya doing"s Val with a straight face said.
"Hey Chris do you think you could change this light?" and tapped the dome light on the van roof. We all started laughing.
I drove them to Bally's so they could fill out the paperwork. As I did I gave them the nickel tour of my home town.
"Yeah I live over there" I point to a group of houses "You cannot see it, its is behind them."
Yeah over there is where I went to Rich Beast(East) High School," pointing down a street "and there is Forest Jail (Trail) Jr High I went there as well" a quick point to a group of buildings just past more houses.
No I don't really show many people where I grew up. What is the point? I mostly hated my childhood, the only things worth remembering are my friends and of those only a few remain. James is my "Brother from another mother" (slang for a real good friend, kind of like you Mikey) Jim is much the same and Mike...Well I have to work on that. We live only a few blocks away and yet I barely see him. But I digress from the tale.
So we get to Bally's and go inside. Dave the guy that I have been talking too and signed up with was not there but the girl behind the counter was able to help us. Into a office she whisks us and Val and Chris gave their info. Then I had to sign a slew of papers. They just got to stand there and watch, lucky devils. We all got our pictures taken and cards were received making us official. Then it was off to Orland.
The drive there was boring, up 57 and then over on 80. We got off at Lagrange and headed into town. The traffic was OK until we hit the city proper and then it slowed down. The only thing keeping us going were the police officers at every intersection, and I mean every intersection. That has got to suck, standing in the cold directing traffic with slick conditions all around and people driving like they do. With some patience we finally made it to the mall. Then the fun began.
The lot was packed. Of course being Christmas season what did we expect, easy parking? I finally found a spot half filled with a pile of snow and plowed my way in. I love driving a mini van. It was a walk to the door, but we were on our way. Inside it was crowded. Again nothing out of the ordinary for the season. The GW store was right there and we were in.
As always when entering we were greeted and immediately confronted with the standard question. "What game to you play?" in anticipation of shoving the newest releases down our throats and sucking every last dollar out of wallets. In succession we all responded "Warmachine" and that just shut the clerk down. He just stood there twitching. I almost busted out laughing. Then he tried to recover and Val finished him off with "I have been playing since Rouge Trader so don't even try it" Or something to that effect and he left us alone. I had a chance to talk to an acquaintance, Cliff who had been the store manager a year ago. He looked good and sounded good. It was nice to see him again. I may dislike GW for their practices but they are still good people. Anyway he is now in charge of regional training for their stores and was in that day to oversee some changes. My lucky day then to see him. We chatted about Eldar (Warhammer 40k's version of elves in space) and he shared some things that he had seen in the works. I really like the Eldar and even though I hate to admit it I still like 40k as a game, as do Val and Chris. So as we left we spoke and decided that we should still play, just between ourselves though and forget the stupid GW zealots.
Wow this is long, but it was an eventful day. After getting out of the GW store we thought about getting something to eat. So we headed down to the food court. BIG MISTAKE! It was a mad house with not a table to be found. I had had enough of the whole crowded mall thing and suggested that we leave and find somewhere else to eat. They agreed and we exited.
After taking a back way out to avoid the traffic madness we headed to a place to grab some grub. While on the way I mentioned "BG Fries" and Chris swooned. He loves them and I must admit that I do to. So I suggested that we hit Dean's Gyros since it was just a little off the path to return to GO. It was agreed and I navigated us there with ease. We arrived as snow started really falling and went inside.
Chris and I ordered "double burgers" and BG Fries, Val had a beef sandwich with peppers. Now I am not complaining in the least when I ask this question, I just want to know. When something says "double" that usually means two right? Well this burger had four patties on it. Again I am not complaining because it was awesome, it just threw me. The BG Fries were amazing as usual, and I ended up giving half to Chris since I was full. Yes the fat man was full, besides Chris is a growing boy and needs his fat and starch to get all big and strong. No wait the other one....Fat. Sorry Chris I just couldn't resist. Hey have you changed that light yet? LOL I am evil.
When we left Chris called GO to tell them we were on our way, which was fine. Mr. S had told everyone we were going to be late so no one was worried. We got back and started D&D. It was fun and entertaining. I keep forgetting about the character that I am running in the campaign, Xander. So at times it seems that he is sitting there not helping out, but I just forget. I always find some way to explain his lack of involvement in a positive way but that won't last. The big reason that he is there is as a plot device and healer, since the group lacks one. And in D&D having a healer is a good thing.
The game went well my players fought off 4 mega-raptors and a purple worm while on their way to parlay with the hobgoblin tribes in the south. I know that most of you have no idea what the heck I am talking about, but just ignore it if you don't. Everyone had a good time and that is what mattered most. During the game Kirby showed up at the store and that was an awesome moment. I had not seen him in weeks and so a break was taken so that I could say hey.
He is doing good. He is working for the Bulls organization, I think as a raffle ticket seller and now as a Matador. I had no real idea what that was until he explained. I will give a simple version here in case any of you see him so he can give you the full story. They are a group of large men who come out during the time outs and perform a dance set to music. Think loveabulls only large men bouncing around. They practice the dance just like the loveabulls and in fact they practice with them. Yeah that must suck (sarcasm drips like Chinese water torture). He likes it and he is having fun with it. That is a good thing.
Well after D&D we went out and bowled three games. I did ok, my last game was the best at a 156! Chris made a suggestion that made a huge difference. See I have been working out, so my arms are stronger. I was throwing the ball with all my strength, and my game was in the gutter. Chris said that I should ease up and not try and go all out with each throw. He was so right. I felt better, my elbow did not burn like it had been and my game was better. Thanks Chris!
Well that was yesterday. A extremely good day. I look forward to spending time with Chris and Val at our workout sessions. This week should be fun with several people coming home from school. I hope that finals have gone and will go well. I may not believe in luck but I will say this anyway.
Good luck to all of you!
Thanks for stopping by and reading. I will see everyone soon. Love ya!
May the Force be with you
Excelsior!!!
Saturday, December 10, 2005
Shaun of the Title
I am sitting in the loft tonight and it ain't half bad. I am not saying that I would like to sit here in shorts or anything but it beats the way it felt last year. Next weekend we are putting up more insulation and maybe a wall, at least I hope we do the wall. It could almost be passable I think. But then again I am bless (cursed) with an over abundance of body insulation (fatty fat fat) so it feels less cold then it should.
The reason for this post has not escaped me. I am sitting here and thinking. Yes I know that this is a dangerous pastime, it has burned me in the past. This time it is different. This time I am thinking of all the good times (and I don't mean the old TV show-Dynomite!!!) that have pass in the last two years or so. I have to say that they are memories that I will cherish for as long as I live. I have had more fun and happy moments in the last two years then I can truly remember in as long a time before. I am not saying that my life sucked before knowing all of you, it has been a good life. It is just that the last two years have been just a little brighter then the ones past.
I know that if not for all of you I would have lost my mind over what came down with Game-opolis. That alone is one of the reasons that I hold these last two years so dear. It has been said before and it will be said again.
Thanks to all you guys for being my friends and being there for me during those dark days.
Thank you for that first day at the beach and all those that followed.
Thank you for all the late nights at GO in the back room.
Thank you for being you.
I won't say don't ever change because that is what life is all about, we all change. I just know that no matter what changes take place you will all remain in my heart. I love all you guys and I always will.
It is probably sappy but this is the season for sappy so there it is.
I have something else to post but that will wait till tomorrow in my home when I can type in comfort, and without all these memories flying around my head like flies.
"It is like a little bird!..................KILL IT!!!"
"Go ahead Neal kill them, they will make more."
May the Force be with all of you
Excelsior!!!
The reason for this post has not escaped me. I am sitting here and thinking. Yes I know that this is a dangerous pastime, it has burned me in the past. This time it is different. This time I am thinking of all the good times (and I don't mean the old TV show-Dynomite!!!) that have pass in the last two years or so. I have to say that they are memories that I will cherish for as long as I live. I have had more fun and happy moments in the last two years then I can truly remember in as long a time before. I am not saying that my life sucked before knowing all of you, it has been a good life. It is just that the last two years have been just a little brighter then the ones past.
I know that if not for all of you I would have lost my mind over what came down with Game-opolis. That alone is one of the reasons that I hold these last two years so dear. It has been said before and it will be said again.
Thanks to all you guys for being my friends and being there for me during those dark days.
Thank you for that first day at the beach and all those that followed.
Thank you for all the late nights at GO in the back room.
Thank you for being you.
I won't say don't ever change because that is what life is all about, we all change. I just know that no matter what changes take place you will all remain in my heart. I love all you guys and I always will.
It is probably sappy but this is the season for sappy so there it is.
I have something else to post but that will wait till tomorrow in my home when I can type in comfort, and without all these memories flying around my head like flies.
"It is like a little bird!..................KILL IT!!!"
"Go ahead Neal kill them, they will make more."
May the Force be with all of you
Excelsior!!!
A Christmas Title
Hail all and well met!
I am just going to post a small one today. I have to get ready and pick up Val and Chris to run them to Bally's so they can sign up. Sorry Ben, but I wasn't working out three months ago. You could jump ship and join us.
One of us. One of us. One of us. chanting
I am feeling better and my back has stopped screaming. I also know what I did. I shoveled! Oh yes I did and what a shoveling it was. See I have been working out so some of my muscles are much stronger (not boasting just stating fact) but some are not. In some respects it felt worse then before because I was able to do more then I normally would have. So that just means that I need to focus on my lower back and take it easy with the snow removal. No biggie.
I am also feeling just a bit better about my unemployed situation. The biggest pain is the time of the year. I know that no one expects me to give presents, but I will be honest. I am a selfish bastard and I take great joy in giving presents, so I want to. I need to give presents. If I don't I'll explode, that happens sometimes. I know this much I am going to cook for the Christmas Party, an idea that Nicky had as well. Thanks Nicky.
Well that is all I have time to type or I will make myself late. Not going to happen. I have waited to long to take this accursed armor of flesh off and I won't wait any longer.
Merry Chrismahaunakwansadon (The PC version of Happy Christmas) and for those Atheists out the Have a Empty Nothing Day!
But seriously HAPPY HOLIDAYS!!!!!
May the Force be with you
Excelsior!!!
I am just going to post a small one today. I have to get ready and pick up Val and Chris to run them to Bally's so they can sign up. Sorry Ben, but I wasn't working out three months ago. You could jump ship and join us.
One of us. One of us. One of us. chanting
I am feeling better and my back has stopped screaming. I also know what I did. I shoveled! Oh yes I did and what a shoveling it was. See I have been working out so some of my muscles are much stronger (not boasting just stating fact) but some are not. In some respects it felt worse then before because I was able to do more then I normally would have. So that just means that I need to focus on my lower back and take it easy with the snow removal. No biggie.
I am also feeling just a bit better about my unemployed situation. The biggest pain is the time of the year. I know that no one expects me to give presents, but I will be honest. I am a selfish bastard and I take great joy in giving presents, so I want to. I need to give presents. If I don't I'll explode, that happens sometimes. I know this much I am going to cook for the Christmas Party, an idea that Nicky had as well. Thanks Nicky.
Well that is all I have time to type or I will make myself late. Not going to happen. I have waited to long to take this accursed armor of flesh off and I won't wait any longer.
Merry Chrismahaunakwansadon (The PC version of Happy Christmas) and for those Atheists out the Have a Empty Nothing Day!
But seriously HAPPY HOLIDAYS!!!!!
May the Force be with you
Excelsior!!!
Friday, December 09, 2005
The Title for Red October
Hail and well met!
It is great to be typing here and now. Why one might ask? Well because I am in a shit load of pain. Oh yes it is wonderful. My back is screaming like a banshee, or is that me. Anyway I have decided to enjoy the pain and let it get pissed that I am not upset over it so it goes away. Not working really, but at least I am in a good mood.
Mikey reminded me of some things that I might have been going to post about last night. Sorry but those are not the subjects I was searching for. They are good ones though and so I am going to post about them right now.
At the begining of the week I signed up for Bally's total fitness. I have an account on which others can join for a modest fee and if we divide the total cost between us it is an amazing savings. My Dad is the first one I put on and tomorrow I am putting on two close friends of mine. Mikey and Val are going up with me to sign on. It is going to be so cool to work out with them and spend time in a non gamestore related setting. Well I already spend time with Mikey, but it usually revolves around gaming in one way or another. But Val is someone that I want to get to know better. I don't know how to explain it, but there is something that draws me to him and I need to know what it is. I respect him very much and would like to know more about him. Anyway it is going to rock. All three of us pumping iron and getting into shape. AWESOMENESS!!!!
Then there is roleplaying. I love roleplaying. I used to love GMing, but that kinda hit the wall last year. I just fell apart. No excuses I just failed. Flat out dropped the ball and left the stadium. I can still do it, but I had lost a lot of confidence in my ability. I know you are all going to say things to make me feel better, and I thank you for it, but unless I feel that I am better it doesn't help. Well someone found a way. Mikey has been running his D&D campaign at GO and he got me involved. The first season was fine and dandy, but all in all I still felt that I was just going through the motions. This season though I have found some of that spark that I had. I know that I have told the story of the "Magic Staff that Shoots Stuff", it happened last weekend. Well that is one of the moments that really made me feel that I had in some small way recaptured my ability as a GM to make a story more then a series of battles and puzzles. It was a moment about the characters and how they interacted with the world around them. It was not going to solve the big problem or make it worse, it was just a moment of perfect beauty. I am a little more confident that I can take back the mantle of GM and forge ahead. So I have decided to start a new campaign. IRON KINGDOMS.
Trust me when I say that it is a MAJOR undertaking. The two main books are together close to 700 pages long. Filled with history and culture that paints a rather deep and complex picture of the world. I have a ton of homework to do and have done much of it. It is going to be an adventure in roleplaying and I am looking forward to it.
Then we come to "Champions" and the continuing of the game from last summer. OY VEY! Well things have happened in the real world that have complicated things. I don't know what to do. I want to keep the peace, it is in my nature after all, but at the same time I really want things a certain way. All in all I am going crazy. IT SUCKS. I don't want to go into details, because it won't solve anything. I just have to find a way to deal with it all. If worse come to worse then I walk away from it. The real world is far more important at times then roleplaying. If running is going to cause trouble then I don't run and that is final. Sorry if that bothers anyone, but that is that.
Well there were a couple of other things that Mikey said I wanted to post about, but those will have to wait for a different post. I have things to do and people to see (Mikey). And sitting here is getting me no closer to doing or seeing them. EWwww that did not sound right. DAMN YOU TADD!!!! Oh he has been on a rampage lately. I mean really bad timing and worse comments. You don't wanna know, trust me.
Anyway I hope to see all as soon as possible. D&D tomorrow should be amazing, if they don't all die. No way, its me! I don't kill PC's I just make them wish they were dead.
Buwahahahahahahaahahaahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah!!!!!!!!!!!!
I will remind everyone that I am a GM and it is in the job description that I be evil. I am a trained professional don't try this at home.
Trust me, I know what I'm doing.
May the Force be with you
Excelsior!!!
It is great to be typing here and now. Why one might ask? Well because I am in a shit load of pain. Oh yes it is wonderful. My back is screaming like a banshee, or is that me. Anyway I have decided to enjoy the pain and let it get pissed that I am not upset over it so it goes away. Not working really, but at least I am in a good mood.
Mikey reminded me of some things that I might have been going to post about last night. Sorry but those are not the subjects I was searching for. They are good ones though and so I am going to post about them right now.
At the begining of the week I signed up for Bally's total fitness. I have an account on which others can join for a modest fee and if we divide the total cost between us it is an amazing savings. My Dad is the first one I put on and tomorrow I am putting on two close friends of mine. Mikey and Val are going up with me to sign on. It is going to be so cool to work out with them and spend time in a non gamestore related setting. Well I already spend time with Mikey, but it usually revolves around gaming in one way or another. But Val is someone that I want to get to know better. I don't know how to explain it, but there is something that draws me to him and I need to know what it is. I respect him very much and would like to know more about him. Anyway it is going to rock. All three of us pumping iron and getting into shape. AWESOMENESS!!!!
Then there is roleplaying. I love roleplaying. I used to love GMing, but that kinda hit the wall last year. I just fell apart. No excuses I just failed. Flat out dropped the ball and left the stadium. I can still do it, but I had lost a lot of confidence in my ability. I know you are all going to say things to make me feel better, and I thank you for it, but unless I feel that I am better it doesn't help. Well someone found a way. Mikey has been running his D&D campaign at GO and he got me involved. The first season was fine and dandy, but all in all I still felt that I was just going through the motions. This season though I have found some of that spark that I had. I know that I have told the story of the "Magic Staff that Shoots Stuff", it happened last weekend. Well that is one of the moments that really made me feel that I had in some small way recaptured my ability as a GM to make a story more then a series of battles and puzzles. It was a moment about the characters and how they interacted with the world around them. It was not going to solve the big problem or make it worse, it was just a moment of perfect beauty. I am a little more confident that I can take back the mantle of GM and forge ahead. So I have decided to start a new campaign. IRON KINGDOMS.
Trust me when I say that it is a MAJOR undertaking. The two main books are together close to 700 pages long. Filled with history and culture that paints a rather deep and complex picture of the world. I have a ton of homework to do and have done much of it. It is going to be an adventure in roleplaying and I am looking forward to it.
Then we come to "Champions" and the continuing of the game from last summer. OY VEY! Well things have happened in the real world that have complicated things. I don't know what to do. I want to keep the peace, it is in my nature after all, but at the same time I really want things a certain way. All in all I am going crazy. IT SUCKS. I don't want to go into details, because it won't solve anything. I just have to find a way to deal with it all. If worse come to worse then I walk away from it. The real world is far more important at times then roleplaying. If running is going to cause trouble then I don't run and that is final. Sorry if that bothers anyone, but that is that.
Well there were a couple of other things that Mikey said I wanted to post about, but those will have to wait for a different post. I have things to do and people to see (Mikey). And sitting here is getting me no closer to doing or seeing them. EWwww that did not sound right. DAMN YOU TADD!!!! Oh he has been on a rampage lately. I mean really bad timing and worse comments. You don't wanna know, trust me.
Anyway I hope to see all as soon as possible. D&D tomorrow should be amazing, if they don't all die. No way, its me! I don't kill PC's I just make them wish they were dead.
Buwahahahahahahaahahaahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah!!!!!!!!!!!!
I will remind everyone that I am a GM and it is in the job description that I be evil. I am a trained professional don't try this at home.
Trust me, I know what I'm doing.
May the Force be with you
Excelsior!!!
Thursday, December 08, 2005
A Title for All Seasons
Hmmmmmmmmmmmm
I was going to post something. I know I was.
I could talk about the snow. There is a lot of it. My soapbox is right here, but I have come to terms with that whole rant. I have shoveled it and will shovel again and again and again. All in all it does look nice outside. Being winter and all there is not much bitching will do but waste energy and bore all of you. It is the season and so I say "meh" to the whole snow thingy.
But that is not what I was going to post. I know there was something else but it escapes me.
I am surviving this whole unemployed thing. It sucks but that is the price of holding out for a pretty good job. It is just hard. I hate not working. Not only because of the lack of funds but I just really hate sitting on my ass doing little to nothing. Luckily I have things to work on, just not the kind that get me paid. Well not yet. The future is always in motion and so we cannot know what may lie ahead.
ARRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHH! I cannot remember what I was going to post about!
Oh well maybe I will remember later.
May the Force be with you.
Excelsior!!!
I was going to post something. I know I was.
I could talk about the snow. There is a lot of it. My soapbox is right here, but I have come to terms with that whole rant. I have shoveled it and will shovel again and again and again. All in all it does look nice outside. Being winter and all there is not much bitching will do but waste energy and bore all of you. It is the season and so I say "meh" to the whole snow thingy.
But that is not what I was going to post. I know there was something else but it escapes me.
I am surviving this whole unemployed thing. It sucks but that is the price of holding out for a pretty good job. It is just hard. I hate not working. Not only because of the lack of funds but I just really hate sitting on my ass doing little to nothing. Luckily I have things to work on, just not the kind that get me paid. Well not yet. The future is always in motion and so we cannot know what may lie ahead.
ARRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHH! I cannot remember what I was going to post about!
Oh well maybe I will remember later.
May the Force be with you.
Excelsior!!!
Wednesday, December 07, 2005
Last Action Title
So there is my first title along my new guide lines. It has nothing to do with what is being posted, but it fills that space, which for some reason I just cannot leave blank. With that said here is the rest of the post.
I found this survey in a newsletter from my ISP and decided to take it again. I remember taking it once before and I am trying to find the original result to compare, but no luck as of yet.
Boldly striving to overcome the darkness both in this world and within yourself, you are righteously devoted to forging your own destiny.
It's your choice, but I warn you not to underestimate my powers.
Luke is a character in the Star Wars universe. For more information, see his character entry at the Star Wars Databank.
I took the test more then once cause there were some questions that I really could go either way on and this is the result of that second run.
Struggling for self-assurance over hidden angst, you are highly adept and full of surprises.
I find your lack of faith disturbing.
Anakin Skywalker is a character in the Star Wars universe. The Star Wars Databank profiles his life story.
I found it cool that just the few changes in my answers both came back as Star Wars characters. Not to mention that they are the two most powerful ones in the Star Wars movies. I am feeling just a little overwhelmed, and just a little geeked. I mean I have chosen to become a Jedi so this fits.
Anyway I just wanted to post this and say "Hi" to everyone. Don't worry it won't go to my head.
There is no ego; there is fellowship
So that being said I have to get off this computer and do the grocery shopping. Yeah for me!!!!!
I will probably start looking to see what I can make for the Christmas party at Ben's. Since I am still unemployed and broke. Frustrating but I can handle it.
May the Force be with you.
OH wait I wanted to post the survey so that you all could take it and then show off who you are.
Oh wait I guess that the pictures are the link. Okay well here is the site anyway just in case the pics don't work.
http://www.tk421.net/character/
May the Force be with you.
Excelsior!!!
I found this survey in a newsletter from my ISP and decided to take it again. I remember taking it once before and I am trying to find the original result to compare, but no luck as of yet.
Luke Skywalker
Boldly striving to overcome the darkness both in this world and within yourself, you are righteously devoted to forging your own destiny.
It's your choice, but I warn you not to underestimate my powers.
Luke is a character in the Star Wars universe. For more information, see his character entry at the Star Wars Databank.
I took the test more then once cause there were some questions that I really could go either way on and this is the result of that second run.
Anakin Skywalker
Struggling for self-assurance over hidden angst, you are highly adept and full of surprises.
I find your lack of faith disturbing.
Anakin Skywalker is a character in the Star Wars universe. The Star Wars Databank profiles his life story.
I found it cool that just the few changes in my answers both came back as Star Wars characters. Not to mention that they are the two most powerful ones in the Star Wars movies. I am feeling just a little overwhelmed, and just a little geeked. I mean I have chosen to become a Jedi so this fits.
Anyway I just wanted to post this and say "Hi" to everyone. Don't worry it won't go to my head.
There is no ego; there is fellowship
So that being said I have to get off this computer and do the grocery shopping. Yeah for me!!!!!
I will probably start looking to see what I can make for the Christmas party at Ben's. Since I am still unemployed and broke. Frustrating but I can handle it.
May the Force be with you.
OH wait I wanted to post the survey so that you all could take it and then show off who you are.
Oh wait I guess that the pictures are the link. Okay well here is the site anyway just in case the pics don't work.
http://www.tk421.net/character/
May the Force be with you.
Excelsior!!!
Tuesday, December 06, 2005
A title too end all titles!
I have grown tired of making up titles for these things. So from now on I may be using altered movie or song titles for the fun of it.
Anyway the reason I am here is that I have something to say
It is better to burn out
then fade away!!!!!!!
Yeah that is from Highlander the movie, the first one, the only one. Because the so called sequels all sucked ass. Now the one based on the TV show was ok.....But yet again it was a simple remake of the first one all over again. I mean how many times can two all powerful immortals face off? Really it gets boring after awhile. Like immediately. Oh wait of course there is the "Alien" angle of the second movie. OMG what where they thinking? But yet again they had a big duel between the two powerful immortals. I like, nay love the first movie. The sequels I have seen but do not even try and compare or place them with the first one at all.
Again I am off topic, it seems to be happening to me quite a lot. Comes from being so giddy. Why you may ask. Well I have taken some advice and taken a step back and reexamined my situation from a more objective position. Man when you get to close to your problems you really lose sight of all the good going on.
I have joined the health club. I am going to get several others to join with me so that we can share the pain. I plan on being rid of this armor of fat sooner then later. A long up hill battle, but I don't see one damn highlander with sword and targ (round shield worn on the arm) charging down at me. I am listening to some really cool music, Queen. Yes I said Queen. So what? Remember that although I hang with a younger crowd I am from the 80's. Hair rocks dude!
And although people may not believe it I was sporting a mullet before anyone had given it a name! Oh yeah I was a silent and invisible trend setter.
I am going to reevaluate a certain situation in my life and take a different course of action concerning it. So please keep your fingers crossed, cause I am getting dangerous.
DM'ing has gotten fun again. I am almost getting giddy to run more and more. But instead of trying to run everything I am cutting it down to no more then two campaigns. One is going to be my most favorite one "Iron Kingdoms" and the other is my second "Beyond Mere Mortals" based on last years "Champions" game. I am working on several details concerning these and trying to avoid certain hang ups, but that is life and it spices it up. I hope that I don't piss off anyone, but for the first time I am ready to say "Sorry but that is the way it is."
Okay I am rambling here and in the process I have lost the really cool line that I wanted to put in here! DAMN! I hate when I talk so much that I forget to pee. Hold on.
Ahhh I feel so much better now. Oh and for all that are interested I had "FUN". HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!
Now that was evil. I am sorry for that one. I am still running with a little evil in me, keeps me sane. As I said before I am a DM and it is in the job description.
Oh wait I think I remember it.
I look out and see the new dawn
I listen and from the world I hear a new song
I don't believe that things cannot go wrong
But for now I am no ones pawn
I am just a garden Gnome on life's front lawn
So a smile crosses my porcelain face from the conclusion drawn
I finally know that I am on the path to where I truly belong.
I omitted a line for very specific reasons. If you are interested I will tell you outside this blog.
Okay there it is. I hope all like it. If not then let me know, so I can ignore you. No I am kidding, I will listen to anything anyone has to say. I will even respond in a civil and funny way.
So farewell to all and I will see all soon, some sooner then others. But the heart longs for so many and for one. Hope all are well and on their way, cause life is journey not a destination. SO MOVE ALONG!!!!!!!
And if you don't get it..........................................................
READ A BOOK!!!!
May the Force be with you.
Excelsior!!!!!!
Anyway the reason I am here is that I have something to say
It is better to burn out
then fade away!!!!!!!
Yeah that is from Highlander the movie, the first one, the only one. Because the so called sequels all sucked ass. Now the one based on the TV show was ok.....But yet again it was a simple remake of the first one all over again. I mean how many times can two all powerful immortals face off? Really it gets boring after awhile. Like immediately. Oh wait of course there is the "Alien" angle of the second movie. OMG what where they thinking? But yet again they had a big duel between the two powerful immortals. I like, nay love the first movie. The sequels I have seen but do not even try and compare or place them with the first one at all.
Again I am off topic, it seems to be happening to me quite a lot. Comes from being so giddy. Why you may ask. Well I have taken some advice and taken a step back and reexamined my situation from a more objective position. Man when you get to close to your problems you really lose sight of all the good going on.
I have joined the health club. I am going to get several others to join with me so that we can share the pain. I plan on being rid of this armor of fat sooner then later. A long up hill battle, but I don't see one damn highlander with sword and targ (round shield worn on the arm) charging down at me. I am listening to some really cool music, Queen. Yes I said Queen. So what? Remember that although I hang with a younger crowd I am from the 80's. Hair rocks dude!
And although people may not believe it I was sporting a mullet before anyone had given it a name! Oh yeah I was a silent and invisible trend setter.
I am going to reevaluate a certain situation in my life and take a different course of action concerning it. So please keep your fingers crossed, cause I am getting dangerous.
DM'ing has gotten fun again. I am almost getting giddy to run more and more. But instead of trying to run everything I am cutting it down to no more then two campaigns. One is going to be my most favorite one "Iron Kingdoms" and the other is my second "Beyond Mere Mortals" based on last years "Champions" game. I am working on several details concerning these and trying to avoid certain hang ups, but that is life and it spices it up. I hope that I don't piss off anyone, but for the first time I am ready to say "Sorry but that is the way it is."
Okay I am rambling here and in the process I have lost the really cool line that I wanted to put in here! DAMN! I hate when I talk so much that I forget to pee. Hold on.
Ahhh I feel so much better now. Oh and for all that are interested I had "FUN". HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!
Now that was evil. I am sorry for that one. I am still running with a little evil in me, keeps me sane. As I said before I am a DM and it is in the job description.
Oh wait I think I remember it.
I look out and see the new dawn
I listen and from the world I hear a new song
I don't believe that things cannot go wrong
But for now I am no ones pawn
I am just a garden Gnome on life's front lawn
So a smile crosses my porcelain face from the conclusion drawn
I finally know that I am on the path to where I truly belong.
I omitted a line for very specific reasons. If you are interested I will tell you outside this blog.
Okay there it is. I hope all like it. If not then let me know, so I can ignore you. No I am kidding, I will listen to anything anyone has to say. I will even respond in a civil and funny way.
So farewell to all and I will see all soon, some sooner then others. But the heart longs for so many and for one. Hope all are well and on their way, cause life is journey not a destination. SO MOVE ALONG!!!!!!!
And if you don't get it..........................................................
READ A BOOK!!!!
May the Force be with you.
Excelsior!!!!!!
Monday, December 05, 2005
And ve vill have time to get down and boogie!
Hail and well met
The title comes from a movie that I adore. "Mystery Men" is a movie about super heroes. No not the classic cape wearing crusaders (No! No capes.) Lets face it they are the super heroes that we would be in a world of super powers. The second stringers that have hearts of gold but definitely feet of clay. Anyway the villain in this movie is the infamous "Casanova Frankenstein" played by Geoffrey Rush, an amazing actor. He has just unveiled his plot to "Frakulate" the city and follows it up with that line. It just goes to show that not all villains are obsessed with violence and crime, some of them can party too.
Anyway this post is not about that at all, it just popped into my head when I was thinking of a title. The purpose of this post is to.......Um.........Well I had a reason for posting. I know I did. Didn't I?
Hmmmm
Well that is a bit of broccoli stuck in my teeth. Metaphor for the annoyance of not remembering why I was posting, for those that might think that I honestly had broccoli in my teeth. Cause I have been known to spout random things like that from time to time.
Arrrrgggghhh!!!!! Oh well I guess I either forgot what it was supposed to be about or maybe this was just a random post from my insane membrane.
No wait there is something. Not really that important but still here it goes.
I had a dream last night. Well actually I had two. The salient fact of the matter is that I was able to control it. It was one of those damn Zombie dreams again and twice I changed the events of the dream. The first happened as I was running up to a door with a window in it. I say a horde of zombies behind it and I forced them to change into a police swat team. Then I was cornered by the Mayor and his wife who had been turned and when I couldn't hit them with a shot I forced the gun to shoot them in the head. BANG BANG! They were dead. I actually did a little dance in my dream.
The second one was a whole lot scarier then the first. I was in a huge hotel, I mean really big. Like city blocks big. I was running around for some reason and I was getting lost. There were no zombies, instead the hotel was filled with characters from SOAP OPERAS. Now I must confess that on occasion I have indulged in these overacted melodramatic farces, but to have a never ending parade of scenes in my dream. AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
I just kept running and trying to find my way back to the room. Oh it was terrible. I mean I can shoot zombies, but how do you shoot Patrick Duffy? Well it is not that hard, but what about all the actors that you don't know names of. I was frantic. Then I found the lounge and of course more soap characters. Except the band. I don't know their name but they were playing a little ditty that a Nicky used for a reference piece about Abbie. I cannot find the sheet that had the names and titles of the songs on it but it started like this.
"I'll tell me mom when I go home
the boys won't leave the girls alone."
That was the thin thread of hope that allowed me to jump out of the dream and wake up. Thank God for that. There was another dream now that I think about it. It had to do with several cars being in accidents. That one sucked on a totally different level. Anyway I am awake now....or at least I think I am? Well if I get any comments on this then I know I am awake, or that I have a very consistent and detailed imagination.
May the Force be with you.
Excelsior!!!
The title comes from a movie that I adore. "Mystery Men" is a movie about super heroes. No not the classic cape wearing crusaders (No! No capes.) Lets face it they are the super heroes that we would be in a world of super powers. The second stringers that have hearts of gold but definitely feet of clay. Anyway the villain in this movie is the infamous "Casanova Frankenstein" played by Geoffrey Rush, an amazing actor. He has just unveiled his plot to "Frakulate" the city and follows it up with that line. It just goes to show that not all villains are obsessed with violence and crime, some of them can party too.
Anyway this post is not about that at all, it just popped into my head when I was thinking of a title. The purpose of this post is to.......Um.........Well I had a reason for posting. I know I did. Didn't I?
Hmmmm
Well that is a bit of broccoli stuck in my teeth. Metaphor for the annoyance of not remembering why I was posting, for those that might think that I honestly had broccoli in my teeth. Cause I have been known to spout random things like that from time to time.
Arrrrgggghhh!!!!! Oh well I guess I either forgot what it was supposed to be about or maybe this was just a random post from my insane membrane.
No wait there is something. Not really that important but still here it goes.
I had a dream last night. Well actually I had two. The salient fact of the matter is that I was able to control it. It was one of those damn Zombie dreams again and twice I changed the events of the dream. The first happened as I was running up to a door with a window in it. I say a horde of zombies behind it and I forced them to change into a police swat team. Then I was cornered by the Mayor and his wife who had been turned and when I couldn't hit them with a shot I forced the gun to shoot them in the head. BANG BANG! They were dead. I actually did a little dance in my dream.
The second one was a whole lot scarier then the first. I was in a huge hotel, I mean really big. Like city blocks big. I was running around for some reason and I was getting lost. There were no zombies, instead the hotel was filled with characters from SOAP OPERAS. Now I must confess that on occasion I have indulged in these overacted melodramatic farces, but to have a never ending parade of scenes in my dream. AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
I just kept running and trying to find my way back to the room. Oh it was terrible. I mean I can shoot zombies, but how do you shoot Patrick Duffy? Well it is not that hard, but what about all the actors that you don't know names of. I was frantic. Then I found the lounge and of course more soap characters. Except the band. I don't know their name but they were playing a little ditty that a Nicky used for a reference piece about Abbie. I cannot find the sheet that had the names and titles of the songs on it but it started like this.
"I'll tell me mom when I go home
the boys won't leave the girls alone."
That was the thin thread of hope that allowed me to jump out of the dream and wake up. Thank God for that. There was another dream now that I think about it. It had to do with several cars being in accidents. That one sucked on a totally different level. Anyway I am awake now....or at least I think I am? Well if I get any comments on this then I know I am awake, or that I have a very consistent and detailed imagination.
May the Force be with you.
Excelsior!!!
Sunday, December 04, 2005
A voice of reason in a storm of trouble
Hail and well met
It snowed again last night. No idea how much came down, haven't watched the news to see the total amount in inches. It was a good one though, luckily not a really good one. Even though I really do not like snow, I must admit it looks really pretty outside.
Anyway that is not the real topic of this post. I was at D&D last night and it was fun. I am enjoying running the other half of the group. A player went off on his own in an unfamiliar city, which is never good. He ran into a strange girl who whisked him away, also never good. Then he discovers that she is the daughter of one of the heads of the city and doesn't run for his life, definitely a bad decision. He is taken to her room which doubles as her workshop for working on magical items. While poking around (get you mind out of the gutter) he finds this little box and opens it. Not the brightest candle in the candelabra.
When he wakes up he is down to his underoos in her bed and she is hovering over him. Long story short they end up wrastling and she gets the upper hand forcing him to fall on top of her. Then her father walks in. I had to laugh. In the end he finds himself married to her and the party now has a new companion. Oh the fun I am going to have!!! I am so evil, but don't worry I am a DM and it is in the job description. ;)
After the session Mikey and I decided to head back to his house and he dragged my tongue out of my head and made me talk. We talked for I don't know how long but I do know that it is what I have needed for a long time. THANKS MIKEY!!!! You are a true friend (not that I didn't know that already) and a little brother to me, for which I thank the creator for every day.
His advice has helped me get a handle on some real doosies that I have been fighting with. I am still stepping back and getting my bearings but I am already feeling better and things are clearing up.
The biggest thing that I have to learn to do now is be patient. I used to be patient to a fault and in some ways I still am. Lately I have been anxious over a couple of things and have wanted them to come to a head far quicker then they have. Thanks to his advice I am just going to step back and look at the bigger picture for the moment and find those things that really need dealing with and work on those. While the other problems either become clearer or go away. If they clear up then I will deal with them and if they go away all the better. All in all I cannot force things to happen unless I want them to probably end up broken or damaged, and that is definitely not what I want. So I take a deeeeep breath and let go of this anxiety.
I feel much better today then I have for several weeks. We all need someone to talk to outside of ourselves. One can never know just who might have that strange insight that will unlock the bonds that hold us tight. I have always tried to be there for my friends and I now know that I should allow them to be there for me. I am sorry for holding myself back and keeping so much stupid shit inside.
Oh I almost forgot! I helped Ben and his Dad insulate more of the loft yesterday. We now have a door at the top of the stairs and a dividing wall by the stairs. In the coming weeks the insulating should be completed and maybe some paneling or some such thing on the walls. I will be helping when and how ever I can. So hopefully by winter break everyone will be able to survive a stint in the loft without freezing to death. YEAH!!!
Ok well that is all I really have to say right now. I hope that everyone is doing okay. Nicky if those pesky highlanders show up with their swords and shields yelling and charging down the hill let me know. Mikey thanks again for the talk, I will try and make it less difficult to open me up next time and there will be a next time. Hey it's me! :)
So Happy Holidays to all.
May the Force be with you.
Excelsior!!!
It snowed again last night. No idea how much came down, haven't watched the news to see the total amount in inches. It was a good one though, luckily not a really good one. Even though I really do not like snow, I must admit it looks really pretty outside.
Anyway that is not the real topic of this post. I was at D&D last night and it was fun. I am enjoying running the other half of the group. A player went off on his own in an unfamiliar city, which is never good. He ran into a strange girl who whisked him away, also never good. Then he discovers that she is the daughter of one of the heads of the city and doesn't run for his life, definitely a bad decision. He is taken to her room which doubles as her workshop for working on magical items. While poking around (get you mind out of the gutter) he finds this little box and opens it. Not the brightest candle in the candelabra.
When he wakes up he is down to his underoos in her bed and she is hovering over him. Long story short they end up wrastling and she gets the upper hand forcing him to fall on top of her. Then her father walks in. I had to laugh. In the end he finds himself married to her and the party now has a new companion. Oh the fun I am going to have!!! I am so evil, but don't worry I am a DM and it is in the job description. ;)
After the session Mikey and I decided to head back to his house and he dragged my tongue out of my head and made me talk. We talked for I don't know how long but I do know that it is what I have needed for a long time. THANKS MIKEY!!!! You are a true friend (not that I didn't know that already) and a little brother to me, for which I thank the creator for every day.
His advice has helped me get a handle on some real doosies that I have been fighting with. I am still stepping back and getting my bearings but I am already feeling better and things are clearing up.
The biggest thing that I have to learn to do now is be patient. I used to be patient to a fault and in some ways I still am. Lately I have been anxious over a couple of things and have wanted them to come to a head far quicker then they have. Thanks to his advice I am just going to step back and look at the bigger picture for the moment and find those things that really need dealing with and work on those. While the other problems either become clearer or go away. If they clear up then I will deal with them and if they go away all the better. All in all I cannot force things to happen unless I want them to probably end up broken or damaged, and that is definitely not what I want. So I take a deeeeep breath and let go of this anxiety.
I feel much better today then I have for several weeks. We all need someone to talk to outside of ourselves. One can never know just who might have that strange insight that will unlock the bonds that hold us tight. I have always tried to be there for my friends and I now know that I should allow them to be there for me. I am sorry for holding myself back and keeping so much stupid shit inside.
Oh I almost forgot! I helped Ben and his Dad insulate more of the loft yesterday. We now have a door at the top of the stairs and a dividing wall by the stairs. In the coming weeks the insulating should be completed and maybe some paneling or some such thing on the walls. I will be helping when and how ever I can. So hopefully by winter break everyone will be able to survive a stint in the loft without freezing to death. YEAH!!!
Ok well that is all I really have to say right now. I hope that everyone is doing okay. Nicky if those pesky highlanders show up with their swords and shields yelling and charging down the hill let me know. Mikey thanks again for the talk, I will try and make it less difficult to open me up next time and there will be a next time. Hey it's me! :)
So Happy Holidays to all.
May the Force be with you.
Excelsior!!!
Thursday, December 01, 2005
Oh great............it snowed
Okay well I get up this morning after my usual routine and then I realize it is way to bright to be just the sun. I look outside and what do I see............................Fucking Snow!!!!!
You have to understand I hate snow. Yes I know it looks pretty, but so dose a Bengal Tiger but I don't want one in my back yard. Snow is the most annoying precipitation (Oh a big word, I must be getting smarter) that the world has to offer, well next to hail. It sticks to everything and it does not go away. It sticks around and needs to be shoveled out of the way to get around. It turns into ice at the drop of a hat so we all can enjoy the experience of walking along one minute and then falling on our ass. Oh yeah it melts against our shoes and they get wet, concordantly so do our feet. That is a sucky feeling if ever there was one. No wait there is one more. It collects dirt so in just a few days it turns grey and nasty but doesn't go away.
I HATE SNOW!!!!!
No there is something else. It adds a good 15 minutes to my morning routine. Because no matter what I have to clean off the car before I can go anywhere.
Yes all in all the worst precipitation the world has to offer. Give me rain, that I can handle. Yes it can make you wet, but it goes away quickly and does not linger.
Oh well I have to go and clean off my car to run some errands.
Oh and Mikey, do not even think of mentioning that you don't have to be a Mexican as a good thing. That is just a selfish thing to think, what about all the Mexicans that wake up on a day like today and are still Mexican even though it snowed? Not very nice to them for you to revel in not being one when they don't get any relief. Think of you fellow man and show him some compassion for Gods sake.
Okay I am done and out of here. I said it all last night so just read the previous post and paste the end here.
You have to understand I hate snow. Yes I know it looks pretty, but so dose a Bengal Tiger but I don't want one in my back yard. Snow is the most annoying precipitation (Oh a big word, I must be getting smarter) that the world has to offer, well next to hail. It sticks to everything and it does not go away. It sticks around and needs to be shoveled out of the way to get around. It turns into ice at the drop of a hat so we all can enjoy the experience of walking along one minute and then falling on our ass. Oh yeah it melts against our shoes and they get wet, concordantly so do our feet. That is a sucky feeling if ever there was one. No wait there is one more. It collects dirt so in just a few days it turns grey and nasty but doesn't go away.
I HATE SNOW!!!!!
No there is something else. It adds a good 15 minutes to my morning routine. Because no matter what I have to clean off the car before I can go anywhere.
Yes all in all the worst precipitation the world has to offer. Give me rain, that I can handle. Yes it can make you wet, but it goes away quickly and does not linger.
Oh well I have to go and clean off my car to run some errands.
Oh and Mikey, do not even think of mentioning that you don't have to be a Mexican as a good thing. That is just a selfish thing to think, what about all the Mexicans that wake up on a day like today and are still Mexican even though it snowed? Not very nice to them for you to revel in not being one when they don't get any relief. Think of you fellow man and show him some compassion for Gods sake.
Okay I am done and out of here. I said it all last night so just read the previous post and paste the end here.
Wednesday, November 30, 2005
Frustrated!!!!!
Well it is Wednesday night and I have yet to be able to go to the post office and apply.
To say that I am frustrated is an understatement. I need this work.
Apparently the situation at the Crete office is tricky at best. It appears that the Post Master there is a real psycho and Jim has almost had to file grievances with the union twice on accout of her mismanagement. This has created a tense situation between Jim and her so he has been holding off bringing me in so as not to spoil my chances.
I know I shouldn't ask this question because it is never going to get answered but it still begs to be asked.
Why do ignorant people always end up in management positions?
The same thing happened at Toys "r" Us on a regular basis. Every year we would get new managers in some sections and they were always moronic. In most cases they had never spent even one day working in a store as a regular employee. That still makes no sense. If you want to run a store well you have to understand the basic operations I would think.
Anyway it could be up to two weeks before I can go in. ARRRRRGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!
I was really looking forward to this. On the one hand I would be working again, something that may sound weird but I really miss working. The second is that Christmas is coming and although I know that everyone says not to worry about it as far a presents go, I like getting gifts for people.
It is just really frustrating, and it only exasperate my other problem. No there is no solution on that front either. One day I will let everyone in on what it is, but for now it remains my secret burden. Well at least until Mikey and I get a chance to sit down without playing a video game and talk. Yes Mikey I plan on talking to you about it as soon as possible.
On a better note I worked out today. I spent 30 minutes on the "Dread Mill" and then jumped on a bike for 15. Then we hit 6 machines. My arms are okay but I am sore somewhere else.
Who knew your ass could be sore from working out? Yeah even now my left hip area is in pain, walking is worse. I hope it dose not screw up my sleeping.
Oh yeah we went bowling! I had a good time and it probably helped my ass to walk around as much as I did. Well it didn't feel that way at the time, but it might. Here is hoping because I am not sure that I like posting about my ass hurting. It seems just a little creepy. And if I ever and I mean ever post anything about my bodily functions you are under a friendship order to SHOOT ME!!!!! I will buy you the bullet. I will not become an old person that does that, even if I have to end my life. It is disgusting in a degree that there is not word for........Yet!
Anyway I have typed enough and the hip is tingling so I am out of here. Hope everyone is doing okay. Nicky I am burning a candle for you while you quest for your grades. Say hey to anyone that knows me and everyone else count it as an preemptive hey for when I get a chance to meet them.
Yeah that about covers it all. I am not depressed just frustrated, it will pass. I just want this job!!!!!!! NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!
May the Force be with you.
Excelsior!!!
To say that I am frustrated is an understatement. I need this work.
Apparently the situation at the Crete office is tricky at best. It appears that the Post Master there is a real psycho and Jim has almost had to file grievances with the union twice on accout of her mismanagement. This has created a tense situation between Jim and her so he has been holding off bringing me in so as not to spoil my chances.
I know I shouldn't ask this question because it is never going to get answered but it still begs to be asked.
Why do ignorant people always end up in management positions?
The same thing happened at Toys "r" Us on a regular basis. Every year we would get new managers in some sections and they were always moronic. In most cases they had never spent even one day working in a store as a regular employee. That still makes no sense. If you want to run a store well you have to understand the basic operations I would think.
Anyway it could be up to two weeks before I can go in. ARRRRRGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!
I was really looking forward to this. On the one hand I would be working again, something that may sound weird but I really miss working. The second is that Christmas is coming and although I know that everyone says not to worry about it as far a presents go, I like getting gifts for people.
It is just really frustrating, and it only exasperate my other problem. No there is no solution on that front either. One day I will let everyone in on what it is, but for now it remains my secret burden. Well at least until Mikey and I get a chance to sit down without playing a video game and talk. Yes Mikey I plan on talking to you about it as soon as possible.
On a better note I worked out today. I spent 30 minutes on the "Dread Mill" and then jumped on a bike for 15. Then we hit 6 machines. My arms are okay but I am sore somewhere else.
Who knew your ass could be sore from working out? Yeah even now my left hip area is in pain, walking is worse. I hope it dose not screw up my sleeping.
Oh yeah we went bowling! I had a good time and it probably helped my ass to walk around as much as I did. Well it didn't feel that way at the time, but it might. Here is hoping because I am not sure that I like posting about my ass hurting. It seems just a little creepy. And if I ever and I mean ever post anything about my bodily functions you are under a friendship order to SHOOT ME!!!!! I will buy you the bullet. I will not become an old person that does that, even if I have to end my life. It is disgusting in a degree that there is not word for........Yet!
Anyway I have typed enough and the hip is tingling so I am out of here. Hope everyone is doing okay. Nicky I am burning a candle for you while you quest for your grades. Say hey to anyone that knows me and everyone else count it as an preemptive hey for when I get a chance to meet them.
Yeah that about covers it all. I am not depressed just frustrated, it will pass. I just want this job!!!!!!! NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!
May the Force be with you.
Excelsior!!!
Harsh words from a harsh mind
Okay my last post was just a little on the abrasive side.
Hell who am I kidding, it was down right obnoxious. (good word use)
I have to learn to talk. I mean I can open my mouth and spit out crap all day long but when it comes to actually saying anything immportant......well I come up short.
I made a post about telling people what is going on and how that no problem is to big or unimmportant to talk about. I meant it, but like so many people I don't do it.
I had a perfect opprotunity tonite to talk to Mikey about what is going on in this void I call a life and what did I do? Well I sat there all day and played games. I said dick. No I don't mean that I said the word "dick", I mean I said nothing. I know that I can talk to him, he is a good friend. I know that he wants to know what is perculating in this head of mine. He truly want to help.
The problem is that I am a coward at heart. I don't want to face the facts of my situation and be responsible for doing what needs to be done. I have always played the safety game. I should have gone into insurance the way that I count the pros and cons of everything and then make a few up.
I just have to bite the bullet and do it. I meant talking, first. Then I will work my way out. Please bear with me. I promise that I will try and open up just a little bit. holds hand up with thumb and pointer finger seperated by an inch or so
Well more then a little bit. holds up both hands with several feet inbetween
Thanks for sticking with a bumbling old fool while he deals with this shit. I feel so stupid.
May the Force be with you.
Excelsior!!!!
And no I haven't finished dealing with the unamed problem yet. So...............................
READ A BOOK! ;)
Hell who am I kidding, it was down right obnoxious. (good word use)
I have to learn to talk. I mean I can open my mouth and spit out crap all day long but when it comes to actually saying anything immportant......well I come up short.
I made a post about telling people what is going on and how that no problem is to big or unimmportant to talk about. I meant it, but like so many people I don't do it.
I had a perfect opprotunity tonite to talk to Mikey about what is going on in this void I call a life and what did I do? Well I sat there all day and played games. I said dick. No I don't mean that I said the word "dick", I mean I said nothing. I know that I can talk to him, he is a good friend. I know that he wants to know what is perculating in this head of mine. He truly want to help.
The problem is that I am a coward at heart. I don't want to face the facts of my situation and be responsible for doing what needs to be done. I have always played the safety game. I should have gone into insurance the way that I count the pros and cons of everything and then make a few up.
I just have to bite the bullet and do it. I meant talking, first. Then I will work my way out. Please bear with me. I promise that I will try and open up just a little bit. holds hand up with thumb and pointer finger seperated by an inch or so
Well more then a little bit. holds up both hands with several feet inbetween
Thanks for sticking with a bumbling old fool while he deals with this shit. I feel so stupid.
May the Force be with you.
Excelsior!!!!
And no I haven't finished dealing with the unamed problem yet. So...............................
READ A BOOK! ;)
Monday, November 28, 2005
Something I should do
I am posting right now because of a friend. Yes Mikey I am referring to you! He made a comment concerning that fact that I had not posted in a few days. Well it was Thanksgiving and I was just a little busy, but in truth I have had something on my mind.
NO I am not going to talk about it. It is something I have to deal with and it sucks okay. I will post more regularly when I come to terms with this. Until then take what you can get and like it.
Cause if you don't the only person that will be upset about it is you. HA! There I am becoming a bastard, so deal.
It may take a while to come to a conclusion concerning what I am dealing with, so if I offend anyone here or in person, I am sorry. Well maybe not, but the thought is there so it should amount to something. Ah phooey who cares? No one that's who!
I will see you when I see you and I will talk to you when I talk to you. If not well..........................
READ A BOOK!
May the Force be with you.
Excelsior!!!
NO I am not going to talk about it. It is something I have to deal with and it sucks okay. I will post more regularly when I come to terms with this. Until then take what you can get and like it.
Cause if you don't the only person that will be upset about it is you. HA! There I am becoming a bastard, so deal.
It may take a while to come to a conclusion concerning what I am dealing with, so if I offend anyone here or in person, I am sorry. Well maybe not, but the thought is there so it should amount to something. Ah phooey who cares? No one that's who!
I will see you when I see you and I will talk to you when I talk to you. If not well..........................
READ A BOOK!
May the Force be with you.
Excelsior!!!
Sunday, November 27, 2005
These were funny!
Hail and well met
I was surfing a friends blog and he has these posted. I just had to laugh and share them. Enjoy!
Love is grand; divorce is at least a hundred grand.
Time may be a great healer, but its also a lousy beautician.
Remember: amateurs built the ark, professionals built the Titanic.
Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.
An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears that this is true.
Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just stand there.
My inferiority complex is not as good as yours is.
I am having an out of money experience.
It'’s frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
You'’re getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
And then there were these.....
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either; just leave me the heck alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
3. It'’s always darkest before dawn. So if you'’re going to steal your neighbor'’s newspaper, that'’s the time to do it.
4. Don'’t be irreplaceable. If you can'’t be replaced, you can'’t be promoted.
5. Always remember that you'’re unique. Just like everyone else.
6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in his or her shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you'’re a mile away and you have their shoes.
9. If at first you don'’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
13. Some days you're the bug; some days you'’re the windshield.
14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know him or her.
15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
17. Duct-tape is like "The Force."’ It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
19. Generally speaking, you aren'’t learning much when your lips are moving.
20. Experience is something you don'’t get until just after you need it.
21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
22. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same day.
Well there they are. I hope all enjoyed them. If not then.......Tough! I did so NAH!;P
May the Force (duct tape) be with you.
Excelsior!!!
I was surfing a friends blog and he has these posted. I just had to laugh and share them. Enjoy!
Love is grand; divorce is at least a hundred grand.
Time may be a great healer, but its also a lousy beautician.
Remember: amateurs built the ark, professionals built the Titanic.
Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.
An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears that this is true.
Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just stand there.
My inferiority complex is not as good as yours is.
I am having an out of money experience.
It'’s frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
You'’re getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
And then there were these.....
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either; just leave me the heck alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
3. It'’s always darkest before dawn. So if you'’re going to steal your neighbor'’s newspaper, that'’s the time to do it.
4. Don'’t be irreplaceable. If you can'’t be replaced, you can'’t be promoted.
5. Always remember that you'’re unique. Just like everyone else.
6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in his or her shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you'’re a mile away and you have their shoes.
9. If at first you don'’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
13. Some days you're the bug; some days you'’re the windshield.
14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know him or her.
15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
17. Duct-tape is like "The Force."’ It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
19. Generally speaking, you aren'’t learning much when your lips are moving.
20. Experience is something you don'’t get until just after you need it.
21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
22. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same day.
Well there they are. I hope all enjoyed them. If not then.......Tough! I did so NAH!;P
May the Force (duct tape) be with you.
Excelsior!!!
Thursday, November 24, 2005
I should get to sleep, but this is too good
I found out today that due to an emergency situation at the Post Office in Crete I will be filling out an ap next Tuesday.
AWESOMENESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It is not guaranteed that I will get the job, but they are desperate.
I am giddy with hope that I may be in. I may have a job that will pave the way for my to go where I want. Woot!!
I am still all jiggly over the news. Or is it that I am freezing? Nope it is the news.
See everyone later today!
Bowling woot!!!!
May the Force be with you.
Excelsior!!!!
AWESOMENESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It is not guaranteed that I will get the job, but they are desperate.
I am giddy with hope that I may be in. I may have a job that will pave the way for my to go where I want. Woot!!
I am still all jiggly over the news. Or is it that I am freezing? Nope it is the news.
See everyone later today!
Bowling woot!!!!
May the Force be with you.
Excelsior!!!!
Tuesday, November 22, 2005
I have the answer, and it seals my fate
I don't care if this sounds melodramatic. It is my life and if I choose to over act then that is what I am going to do.
I have boiled down the events of this weekend and have the answer. I know why I did everything that I did. I am going to keep it to myself.
It leaves me with a choice. I can continue down this road seeking something, and giving in to the darkness that unfolded on Saturday or I can abandon my quest and except the two results. One that I will never walk in that darkness that allowed me to hurt my friend (yes it was a small thing but do I have to go into it again). The second is knowing that my life will be empty and hollow for the remaining time that I have to spend on this rock.
Great choices that I get to make. Be happy and destroy everything I have lived for or live in an eternal torment that will rob me of any happiness or joy and keep everything else safe.
I hate God at this moment. I despise him. I would beat the living shit out of him right now if I had the chance.
I could rant on for pages, but I have done that before. I will not waste the time. I already know the choice I must make. That is one of the reasons that I hate him so. Why bother showing me all this when I had already made the right choice? So that I could really feel the cost of said choice? FUCK YOU! YOU COWARD! YOU WHO SENT YOUR SON TO BEAR THE BURDEN OF YOUR FUCKING PLAN! IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN YOU IN YOUR ENTIRETY UP THERE ON THAT CROSS FEELING THE PAIN AND SUFFERING!
Okay well that is off my chest. Well for those of you who go to church and are worried that I am blaspheming, don't. I have figured out that hating God is not a sin, as long as you are honest about it. Let's face it he is God and if he cannot handle a little frustrated anger being tossed at him, well then what kind of God is he anyway? No the sin would be in not telling him the truth of how I feel. We don't see eye to eye on a great many things. I expect that when the day comes and I walk through the pearly gates I am going to get led to a nice room with two comfy chairs with a case of Pepsi and some doughnuts on a small table, where the Almighty and I will have a real long conversation. Oh did I mention the boxes of Kleenex? Yeah I expect those will be there as well, cause I know I am going to cry when I understand everything. Wouldn't you?
I am not much better now. It just is a condition that I must accept and work around. I have friends and who am I to want anything else. Happiness is relative, some kind of second cousin twice removed or something. In time I will forget, hopefully, and then the pain will go away. And if it does not then I will have to drown myself in laughter and booze. Not a bad way to live.....alone.
I will see all when the time allows. Have a HAPPY THANKSGIVING!
I am thankful for all the friends that I have, and for those that I don't.
May the Force be with all of you.
Excelsior!!!
I have boiled down the events of this weekend and have the answer. I know why I did everything that I did. I am going to keep it to myself.
It leaves me with a choice. I can continue down this road seeking something, and giving in to the darkness that unfolded on Saturday or I can abandon my quest and except the two results. One that I will never walk in that darkness that allowed me to hurt my friend (yes it was a small thing but do I have to go into it again). The second is knowing that my life will be empty and hollow for the remaining time that I have to spend on this rock.
Great choices that I get to make. Be happy and destroy everything I have lived for or live in an eternal torment that will rob me of any happiness or joy and keep everything else safe.
I hate God at this moment. I despise him. I would beat the living shit out of him right now if I had the chance.
I could rant on for pages, but I have done that before. I will not waste the time. I already know the choice I must make. That is one of the reasons that I hate him so. Why bother showing me all this when I had already made the right choice? So that I could really feel the cost of said choice? FUCK YOU! YOU COWARD! YOU WHO SENT YOUR SON TO BEAR THE BURDEN OF YOUR FUCKING PLAN! IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN YOU IN YOUR ENTIRETY UP THERE ON THAT CROSS FEELING THE PAIN AND SUFFERING!
Okay well that is off my chest. Well for those of you who go to church and are worried that I am blaspheming, don't. I have figured out that hating God is not a sin, as long as you are honest about it. Let's face it he is God and if he cannot handle a little frustrated anger being tossed at him, well then what kind of God is he anyway? No the sin would be in not telling him the truth of how I feel. We don't see eye to eye on a great many things. I expect that when the day comes and I walk through the pearly gates I am going to get led to a nice room with two comfy chairs with a case of Pepsi and some doughnuts on a small table, where the Almighty and I will have a real long conversation. Oh did I mention the boxes of Kleenex? Yeah I expect those will be there as well, cause I know I am going to cry when I understand everything. Wouldn't you?
I am not much better now. It just is a condition that I must accept and work around. I have friends and who am I to want anything else. Happiness is relative, some kind of second cousin twice removed or something. In time I will forget, hopefully, and then the pain will go away. And if it does not then I will have to drown myself in laughter and booze. Not a bad way to live.....alone.
I will see all when the time allows. Have a HAPPY THANKSGIVING!
I am thankful for all the friends that I have, and for those that I don't.
May the Force be with all of you.
Excelsior!!!
Monday, November 21, 2005
I don't know anymore
I feel happy. Or at least I should. I act happy. I smile and laugh, but that has never been a problem for me. I find things funny, a lot of things actually. But down deep I feel something else.
This started Saturday when I did something that I am ashamed of. Well I am ashamed of it now, I wasn't then. I was scheduled to help Chris run the D&D campaign at GO. I went there and informed Mr about my absence but I never called Chris or got in touch with him at all. I know that I thought about him, I just remember not feeling anything one way or the other. I mean that, I felt nothing about abandoning him with no idea what was going on. In some ways I could say that I was hollow, empty, nothing inside at all.
Anyway Sunday I awoke and then I felt it. I knew that I had pretty well fucked him. I felt the knot in my gut that I should have felt when I was doing this. I spent the day sitting at my computer waiting for him to get on and for him to tie into me. He had every right to and with the way I felt I wanted him to. Well he got on late and he kind of let me have it. I mean it was what I deserved, I had been an asshole to him for Christs sake. Well he kind of did, but it did not go far. He forgave me, but he doesn't understand that although I do accept his forgiveness I can never forgive myself.
Yes I know it was just a little thing. God why can no one understand that if I don't stop myself from doing this in the small things then the next time it may be a BIG ONE. Then you will all be up in arms and pissed off, only because it is big. Well if I don't care now what makes you think I would care then. I have to stop this before it gets worse. I have to understand why I was able to do something so selfish and with out remorse or concern to the consequences of others. Only if I understand it can I stop it from happening again, you know when it might be BIG.
So now I am going over the events and thoughts of Friday and Saturday looking for the answer. I am finding nothing of any help. I will not give up on finding the flaw in my character that allowed this to happen. Until I know I will not stop. Chris said it was a mistake, maybe but that dose not elevate my responsibility to stop it from happening again.
This is one of the more heinous things that I have ever done. There is one other and I will never speak of it in detail, so don't ask. I am just saying it to put it into perspective for me, not you. I have to despise myself now more then ever for doing something so wrong. I may never forgive myself for this. I may never stop hating myself for knowing what I was doing and doing it anyway.
It has been a very long time since I did anything like this. A very very long time. That is one of the biggest reasons that I am so bothered by it. That and whom I did it to. Chris is like a little brother to me. I care for him more then many of my other friends. Yet for all of my feelings for him I did this to him. How could I justify in my mind doing this?! It just doesn't make any sense.
As the title says... I just don't know anymore.
I am going to let this go for now, I am supposed to see Chris and Nicky in a few hours. I don't want this to cloud the day. They don't need my shit. So I am going now. I hope to find the answer soon. If not I will have to find another way to stop it.
This started Saturday when I did something that I am ashamed of. Well I am ashamed of it now, I wasn't then. I was scheduled to help Chris run the D&D campaign at GO. I went there and informed Mr about my absence but I never called Chris or got in touch with him at all. I know that I thought about him, I just remember not feeling anything one way or the other. I mean that, I felt nothing about abandoning him with no idea what was going on. In some ways I could say that I was hollow, empty, nothing inside at all.
Anyway Sunday I awoke and then I felt it. I knew that I had pretty well fucked him. I felt the knot in my gut that I should have felt when I was doing this. I spent the day sitting at my computer waiting for him to get on and for him to tie into me. He had every right to and with the way I felt I wanted him to. Well he got on late and he kind of let me have it. I mean it was what I deserved, I had been an asshole to him for Christs sake. Well he kind of did, but it did not go far. He forgave me, but he doesn't understand that although I do accept his forgiveness I can never forgive myself.
Yes I know it was just a little thing. God why can no one understand that if I don't stop myself from doing this in the small things then the next time it may be a BIG ONE. Then you will all be up in arms and pissed off, only because it is big. Well if I don't care now what makes you think I would care then. I have to stop this before it gets worse. I have to understand why I was able to do something so selfish and with out remorse or concern to the consequences of others. Only if I understand it can I stop it from happening again, you know when it might be BIG.
So now I am going over the events and thoughts of Friday and Saturday looking for the answer. I am finding nothing of any help. I will not give up on finding the flaw in my character that allowed this to happen. Until I know I will not stop. Chris said it was a mistake, maybe but that dose not elevate my responsibility to stop it from happening again.
This is one of the more heinous things that I have ever done. There is one other and I will never speak of it in detail, so don't ask. I am just saying it to put it into perspective for me, not you. I have to despise myself now more then ever for doing something so wrong. I may never forgive myself for this. I may never stop hating myself for knowing what I was doing and doing it anyway.
It has been a very long time since I did anything like this. A very very long time. That is one of the biggest reasons that I am so bothered by it. That and whom I did it to. Chris is like a little brother to me. I care for him more then many of my other friends. Yet for all of my feelings for him I did this to him. How could I justify in my mind doing this?! It just doesn't make any sense.
As the title says... I just don't know anymore.
I am going to let this go for now, I am supposed to see Chris and Nicky in a few hours. I don't want this to cloud the day. They don't need my shit. So I am going now. I hope to find the answer soon. If not I will have to find another way to stop it.
Saturday, November 19, 2005
This is fun
| Your IQ Is 125 |
 Your Logical Intelligence is Below Average Your Verbal Intelligence is Genius Your Mathematical Intelligence is Genius Your General Knowledge is Exceptional |
A Quick and Dirty IQ Test
So I am not a logical being. What else is new. Of course I took this test just after waking up so there is something to be said for that. In all it is just a fun little test to take. I did use paper and pencil and a dictionary, maybe cheating but I was using the resources available to me. No I did not use a calculator.
Give it a try for fun. Try it several times, just try and forget the answers you already gave, or even try and get them all wrong. Whatever you heart desires.
I am having a meh kind of day. I am looking forward to next week, only because it is next week and not last week. Besides people are home from school so time to hang out and chill.
May the force be with you.
Excelsior!!!
Give it a try for fun. Try it several times, just try and forget the answers you already gave, or even try and get them all wrong. Whatever you heart desires.
I am having a meh kind of day. I am looking forward to next week, only because it is next week and not last week. Besides people are home from school so time to hang out and chill.
May the force be with you.
Excelsior!!!
Thursday, November 17, 2005
A song that echoes in my heart
Don't Let Me Be Misunderstood - Santa Esmeralda
Baby, do you understand me now?
Sometimes I feel a little mad
But don't you know that no one alive can always be an angel
When things go wrong I seem to be bad
Cause I'm just a soul whose intentions are good
Oh lord, please don't let me be misunderstood
If I seem edgy,I want you to know,
That I never meant to take it out on you
Life has its problems, and I've had my share,
That's one thing I never meant to do
Cause I love you!
Baby, don't you know I'm just human
and I've got thoughts like any other man
And sometimes I feel, oh lord, regretting
Some foolish thing, some foolish thing I've done
cause I'm just a soul whose intentions are good
Oh lord, please don't let me be misunderstood
Oh lord, don't you let me be misunderstood
Don't let me be
Don't let me be misunderstood, no no no no no no
Ohhh...
Come to me baby
Esmeralda...
Ah, come on baby
You're so sweet
Mighty sweet
Come around me babe
Come around me, I love ya
Oh don't play with me baby
Come on, talk to me
Esmeralda
Oh baby
Oh please!
Oh lord pleeeeeaase babe
My sweet Esmeralda!
Baby, do you understand me now?
Sometimes I feel a little mad
But don't you know that no one alive can always be an angel
When things go wrong I seem to be bad
Cause I'm a soul whose intentions are good
Oh lord, don't let me be misunderstood
Baby, sometimes I'm so carefree
With a joy that's hard to hide
And sometimes it seems that all I have to do is worry
And then you're bound to see my other side
Cause I'm just a soul whose intentions are good
Oh lord, please don't let me be misunderstood
If I seem edgy, I want you to know
That I never meant to take it out on you
Life has it's problems, and I've got my share,
That's one thing I never meant to do
Cause I love you!
Oh baby, don't you know I'm human
I have thoughts like any other man
And sometimes I feel myself, oh lord, regretting
Some foolish thing, some foolish thing I've done
cause I'm just a soul whose intentions are good
Oh lord, please don't let me be misunderstood
-------------------------------------------------
Yeah it is from the Kill Vol.1 soundtrack. It has always touched me. Today it was a crosstown bus in the express lane.
I am fine, but this song still echoes in my head.
Oh lord, don't let me be misunderstood.
Cause I'm just a soul whose intentions are good
Baby, do you understand me now?
Sometimes I feel a little mad
But don't you know that no one alive can always be an angel
When things go wrong I seem to be bad
Cause I'm just a soul whose intentions are good
Oh lord, please don't let me be misunderstood
If I seem edgy,I want you to know,
That I never meant to take it out on you
Life has its problems, and I've had my share,
That's one thing I never meant to do
Cause I love you!
Baby, don't you know I'm just human
and I've got thoughts like any other man
And sometimes I feel, oh lord, regretting
Some foolish thing, some foolish thing I've done
cause I'm just a soul whose intentions are good
Oh lord, please don't let me be misunderstood
Oh lord, don't you let me be misunderstood
Don't let me be
Don't let me be misunderstood, no no no no no no
Ohhh...
Come to me baby
Esmeralda...
Ah, come on baby
You're so sweet
Mighty sweet
Come around me babe
Come around me, I love ya
Oh don't play with me baby
Come on, talk to me
Esmeralda
Oh baby
Oh please!
Oh lord pleeeeeaase babe
My sweet Esmeralda!
Baby, do you understand me now?
Sometimes I feel a little mad
But don't you know that no one alive can always be an angel
When things go wrong I seem to be bad
Cause I'm a soul whose intentions are good
Oh lord, don't let me be misunderstood
Baby, sometimes I'm so carefree
With a joy that's hard to hide
And sometimes it seems that all I have to do is worry
And then you're bound to see my other side
Cause I'm just a soul whose intentions are good
Oh lord, please don't let me be misunderstood
If I seem edgy, I want you to know
That I never meant to take it out on you
Life has it's problems, and I've got my share,
That's one thing I never meant to do
Cause I love you!
Oh baby, don't you know I'm human
I have thoughts like any other man
And sometimes I feel myself, oh lord, regretting
Some foolish thing, some foolish thing I've done
cause I'm just a soul whose intentions are good
Oh lord, please don't let me be misunderstood
-------------------------------------------------
Yeah it is from the Kill Vol.1 soundtrack. It has always touched me. Today it was a crosstown bus in the express lane.
I am fine, but this song still echoes in my head.
Oh lord, don't let me be misunderstood.
Cause I'm just a soul whose intentions are good
Tuesday, November 15, 2005
Control! Control! You must learn control!
Here is a moment that I never thought in a million years I would be living through. I sit here and I realize that for all my efforts in life I am and always have been the one thing that I have....Well to be nice I would say disliked, but in truth I hate it.
Hi! My name is Matt and I am a control freak.
I think I should be sitting in a circle of chairs with people sitting in them looking at me.
Or at least I did until I had a moment to look my self in the mirror and smack myself out of the trap of beating the shit out of myself for real reason, good or otherwise.
Instead I have turned to my Jedi training and looked for a solution. Wow I never really thought that it could help out in situations like this. But it did.
I had to stop and realize where my hatred for control came from. Well it comes from my grandmother on my dad's side. She has always done everything with her mind on controlling every one . Saying this or that to get them to feel sorry for her and do what she wants them too.
I have watched her turn one family member against another to drive them to her. It makes me sick to think what twisted mind could come up with the stuff that she dose. No spider could weave a web as vile as the ones she has spun. To make matters worse she freely hurts people as she dose it. I swore that I would never do anything like this ever.
I could say that I have failed, but that is not true.
Control is something we all have in our lives. We control ourselves on a daily basis. In many way we control others as well. Choosing what to say or not to say when someone says something or dose something. It is all around us as we walk through our daily lives. What we do with it dictates whether it is good or evil. And like it or not pain is a part of life as well. Upon considering it I have come up with a way to look at pain.
There is no pain; there is growth.
Even the most hurtful statement or action that causes pain also causes us to grow. We can either accept this and take the growth to heart or we can fight it. In the end though we are changed by it.
So there is no escaping control or pain in life. We are all control freaks on some level. The sooner we realize it the sooner we can learn to control our control. Wow that is the dumbest thing I have ever typed, but it is also very true. Only when we can guide our controlling nature can we hope to do good and not evil. Learning to know when to control and when not to is a difficult road. I mean letting someone experience pain when you could stop it is a terrible burden, but it is necessary for them to grow. You could jump in an stop it, but in the end you cause more damage then the original event would.
I have had to learn to let people fall down, letting them make mistakes. What I can do is be there to try and help them grow from them. Sometimes by giving them space and sometimes by being there to lend a hand. I will continue to do this and in doing so help myself.
I am not a control freak.
I am a Jedi.
There is no ignorance; there is knowledge
There is no fear; there is understating
There is no anger; there is self-control
There is no confusion; there is focus
There is no indecision; there is direction
There is no pain; there is growth
There is no ego; there is fellowship
There is no death; there is the Force.
May the Force be with you.
Excelsior!!!
Hi! My name is Matt and I am a control freak.
I think I should be sitting in a circle of chairs with people sitting in them looking at me.
Or at least I did until I had a moment to look my self in the mirror and smack myself out of the trap of beating the shit out of myself for real reason, good or otherwise.
Instead I have turned to my Jedi training and looked for a solution. Wow I never really thought that it could help out in situations like this. But it did.
I had to stop and realize where my hatred for control came from. Well it comes from my grandmother on my dad's side. She has always done everything with her mind on controlling every one . Saying this or that to get them to feel sorry for her and do what she wants them too.
I have watched her turn one family member against another to drive them to her. It makes me sick to think what twisted mind could come up with the stuff that she dose. No spider could weave a web as vile as the ones she has spun. To make matters worse she freely hurts people as she dose it. I swore that I would never do anything like this ever.
I could say that I have failed, but that is not true.
Control is something we all have in our lives. We control ourselves on a daily basis. In many way we control others as well. Choosing what to say or not to say when someone says something or dose something. It is all around us as we walk through our daily lives. What we do with it dictates whether it is good or evil. And like it or not pain is a part of life as well. Upon considering it I have come up with a way to look at pain.
There is no pain; there is growth.
Even the most hurtful statement or action that causes pain also causes us to grow. We can either accept this and take the growth to heart or we can fight it. In the end though we are changed by it.
So there is no escaping control or pain in life. We are all control freaks on some level. The sooner we realize it the sooner we can learn to control our control. Wow that is the dumbest thing I have ever typed, but it is also very true. Only when we can guide our controlling nature can we hope to do good and not evil. Learning to know when to control and when not to is a difficult road. I mean letting someone experience pain when you could stop it is a terrible burden, but it is necessary for them to grow. You could jump in an stop it, but in the end you cause more damage then the original event would.
I have had to learn to let people fall down, letting them make mistakes. What I can do is be there to try and help them grow from them. Sometimes by giving them space and sometimes by being there to lend a hand. I will continue to do this and in doing so help myself.
I am not a control freak.
I am a Jedi.
There is no ignorance; there is knowledge
There is no fear; there is understating
There is no anger; there is self-control
There is no confusion; there is focus
There is no indecision; there is direction
There is no pain; there is growth
There is no ego; there is fellowship
There is no death; there is the Force.
May the Force be with you.
Excelsior!!!
Monday, November 14, 2005
Late night or early morning
I have just read and commented on a friends journal.
She had a quote up that talked about trust. It said that it can take years to gain trust but only suspicion, not proof to destroy it.
Trust is an interesting thing to think about. especially when you consider that trust is another word for faith. What do you believe in? In what a person says and they call it trust. In what a person dose and they would call it faith. Which interestingly segue right into my real point about this.
Perception and point of view.
whether we trust in someone has to do with several variables. But in the end the real clincher is what we believe. Do we believe in the person more then the suspicion? Where dose our faith lie? In the days, months, years that we have known someone or the hearsay that constitutes most suspicions.
All of these are predicated on our point of view. How we see the world around us everyday. It is the only real choice we have, and with it the only real power. If our point of view is centered in fear then we would probably jump on the band wagon and toss our trust out the window. We might even fall into angry words and actions towards this person.
If our point of view is centered on love and understanding, well then it changes everything. The same suspicion will lead us to talk to the person involved and find out what is going on. From thee we can decided what to do.
These are but two possibilities of where a point of view can come from. There are as many of them as there are grains of sand on Earth.
Choose wisely and it will carry you far, and if you don't like yours then try a new one. There are plenty to go around.
Food for thought.
Now maybe I can go to sleep.
May the Force be with you.
Excelsior!!!
She had a quote up that talked about trust. It said that it can take years to gain trust but only suspicion, not proof to destroy it.
Trust is an interesting thing to think about. especially when you consider that trust is another word for faith. What do you believe in? In what a person says and they call it trust. In what a person dose and they would call it faith. Which interestingly segue right into my real point about this.
Perception and point of view.
whether we trust in someone has to do with several variables. But in the end the real clincher is what we believe. Do we believe in the person more then the suspicion? Where dose our faith lie? In the days, months, years that we have known someone or the hearsay that constitutes most suspicions.
All of these are predicated on our point of view. How we see the world around us everyday. It is the only real choice we have, and with it the only real power. If our point of view is centered in fear then we would probably jump on the band wagon and toss our trust out the window. We might even fall into angry words and actions towards this person.
If our point of view is centered on love and understanding, well then it changes everything. The same suspicion will lead us to talk to the person involved and find out what is going on. From thee we can decided what to do.
These are but two possibilities of where a point of view can come from. There are as many of them as there are grains of sand on Earth.
Choose wisely and it will carry you far, and if you don't like yours then try a new one. There are plenty to go around.
Food for thought.
Now maybe I can go to sleep.
May the Force be with you.
Excelsior!!!
Friday, November 11, 2005
Patience is not a virtue but a curse.
All of my life I have been told as many of you probably have that patience is a virtue. That waiting is a good thing. "Don't rush into anything."
What a load of bullshit!
From experience I say that holding off is a bad thing. All it leads to taking no action at all. You wait for some sign or trigger to send you into action, which never comes. Then you realize all the opportunities that you have let slip by. Chances that were not taken. Things that you will never experience, cause when they pass you by they are gone forever. You can never get them back.
Dreams are all that you are left with. Dreams of what might have happened if you did this or that. Empty and lifeless dreams that soon consume you. In the end you try and live a dream, which gets you nowhere.
I have wasted my life and I know it. I have done things to be sure, I have been alive. But I have not LIVED. Now as I look at where I am all I see is a hollow shell. Nothing inside at all but shadows of what might have been.
I have every reason to resent life, to hate all that do live. Yet even now as the pain of that aching hollow place that I call my heart reverberates through me I find that I cannot. Trust me I can feel anger, and I can express it. I have made many people scared of me, a fact that bothers me more then not having lived. I just don't find it useful to feel these things.
I am reminded of a spoken line of a friend while we were playing Star Wars the role playing game.
"Don't have time for hate."
That covers it in a nutshell. I may not have lived but it makes no sense to waste any time on something as useless as hate. All it can do is destroy, like relationships, people and my life.
I just don't know what to feel. If hate is not a path that I can take then what is left?
Despair comes to mind, but I have walked down that path and it just leads inward and away from life. Frustration is just a precursor to hate so it is not valid. I want to feel something, but what is left to me.
Nothing at all. Maybe being asleep was a good way to be, oblivious to the world around me and what it had to offer. You cannot not miss something if you don't know it is there, right? But I do know, I have touched it and know it exists. I cannot go back to sleep, I will still be aware of what I am missing.
I must do something soon or life will become a burden that I am not willing to bear. I don't want to become what I will if I choose the other paths before me, I cannot go back and I cannot go forward.
-heavy sigh- I am stuck being patient until something comes along. Waiting again for opportunity to show up. I just hope to the Creator that I have not passed them all by, or alienated my self from them all together.
I guess I will go to bed now. I just know I won't sleep. But this is not helping at all.
May the force be with you.
What a load of bullshit!
From experience I say that holding off is a bad thing. All it leads to taking no action at all. You wait for some sign or trigger to send you into action, which never comes. Then you realize all the opportunities that you have let slip by. Chances that were not taken. Things that you will never experience, cause when they pass you by they are gone forever. You can never get them back.
Dreams are all that you are left with. Dreams of what might have happened if you did this or that. Empty and lifeless dreams that soon consume you. In the end you try and live a dream, which gets you nowhere.
I have wasted my life and I know it. I have done things to be sure, I have been alive. But I have not LIVED. Now as I look at where I am all I see is a hollow shell. Nothing inside at all but shadows of what might have been.
I have every reason to resent life, to hate all that do live. Yet even now as the pain of that aching hollow place that I call my heart reverberates through me I find that I cannot. Trust me I can feel anger, and I can express it. I have made many people scared of me, a fact that bothers me more then not having lived. I just don't find it useful to feel these things.
I am reminded of a spoken line of a friend while we were playing Star Wars the role playing game.
"Don't have time for hate."
That covers it in a nutshell. I may not have lived but it makes no sense to waste any time on something as useless as hate. All it can do is destroy, like relationships, people and my life.
I just don't know what to feel. If hate is not a path that I can take then what is left?
Despair comes to mind, but I have walked down that path and it just leads inward and away from life. Frustration is just a precursor to hate so it is not valid. I want to feel something, but what is left to me.
Nothing at all. Maybe being asleep was a good way to be, oblivious to the world around me and what it had to offer. You cannot not miss something if you don't know it is there, right? But I do know, I have touched it and know it exists. I cannot go back to sleep, I will still be aware of what I am missing.
I must do something soon or life will become a burden that I am not willing to bear. I don't want to become what I will if I choose the other paths before me, I cannot go back and I cannot go forward.
-heavy sigh- I am stuck being patient until something comes along. Waiting again for opportunity to show up. I just hope to the Creator that I have not passed them all by, or alienated my self from them all together.
I guess I will go to bed now. I just know I won't sleep. But this is not helping at all.
May the force be with you.
Thursday, November 10, 2005
It is time, it is now
The plan is set.
I will apply at Behr tomorrow. Earlier then later.
I will continue to pursue the post office job.
Some of the money from whatever job that I get will be used to fix up my van and prepare to get a newer one.
Some of the money will be saved to secure either a down payment or security deposit for what ever I end up getting down there to live in.
My efforts on the projects for Harsh Realities will be doubled.
In less then one year I will no longer be living in Park Forest or I will be dead.
This is my plan and very soon my parents will learn of it. I know that will lead to a huge confrontation. Oh well it is a long time overdue.As far as everyone else is conerned, some will applaud me and some will scorn me. To those that applaud, thanks but I don't need your validation. That kind of thing has held me back for years. For those that choose to scorn me, let me have it. Oh wait your going to wait and in dark places take my decisions and tear me apart for them. Well I know the game that you are playing and to you all I say.
GO FUCK YOURSELVES WITH A RUSTY FORK, GET A DIESEASE AND DIE SCREAMING!!!
I could print my favorite song at this moment but that will take to long. So if you have any access to a music site or maybe you are enlightened to own the song look up...
High School Dance - Mighty Mighty Bosstones
Yeah that is where I am right now.
Just don't get in my way. Cause when you grab for all the cookies some of them get broken.
And you ain't nothing to me but a bunch of crumbs!
If you don't like it then take it turn it sideways and stick it up your ass!I care for all of you, but I have to take care of myself cause not one damn person is willing to do for me what I try and do for others. So why keep it up? Cause it is the right thing to do, just not now.
I am not angry just indignent, if you don't know what it means....
READ A BOOK!
May the Force be with you all...cause you are going to need it.
EXCELSIOR!!!!
I will apply at Behr tomorrow. Earlier then later.
I will continue to pursue the post office job.
Some of the money from whatever job that I get will be used to fix up my van and prepare to get a newer one.
Some of the money will be saved to secure either a down payment or security deposit for what ever I end up getting down there to live in.
My efforts on the projects for Harsh Realities will be doubled.
In less then one year I will no longer be living in Park Forest or I will be dead.
This is my plan and very soon my parents will learn of it. I know that will lead to a huge confrontation. Oh well it is a long time overdue.As far as everyone else is conerned, some will applaud me and some will scorn me. To those that applaud, thanks but I don't need your validation. That kind of thing has held me back for years. For those that choose to scorn me, let me have it. Oh wait your going to wait and in dark places take my decisions and tear me apart for them. Well I know the game that you are playing and to you all I say.
GO FUCK YOURSELVES WITH A RUSTY FORK, GET A DIESEASE AND DIE SCREAMING!!!
I could print my favorite song at this moment but that will take to long. So if you have any access to a music site or maybe you are enlightened to own the song look up...
High School Dance - Mighty Mighty Bosstones
Yeah that is where I am right now.
Just don't get in my way. Cause when you grab for all the cookies some of them get broken.
And you ain't nothing to me but a bunch of crumbs!
If you don't like it then take it turn it sideways and stick it up your ass!I care for all of you, but I have to take care of myself cause not one damn person is willing to do for me what I try and do for others. So why keep it up? Cause it is the right thing to do, just not now.
I am not angry just indignent, if you don't know what it means....
READ A BOOK!
May the Force be with you all...cause you are going to need it.
EXCELSIOR!!!!
Tuesday, November 08, 2005
The voice of the Force speaks.
I spoke to someone last night and as I should have known they gave me what I needed.
Fear is the path to the Dark Side.
I had to look at the fact that I was acting out of fear. I am afraid of being stuck here forever, so out of that fear I was going to run down there. I must not act out of fear, so the choice of leaving is out, but staying here is not an option.
Of course this dose not leave with a path to choose, at least that is what I thought last night. This morning I found that I had a solution.
If each path is an extreme then the only solution is to find the path in between those extremes. This is the path that I have created.
I must act with focus and direction. I must act from knowledge and not from ignorance or fear. I must act with the Force.
I have a plan. I must show the discipline to stick to it and not get distracted.
I will get this job. I will fix my car. I will save for the transition. I will begin to gather the information for the move. I will make the preparations for getting a job down there. I will make the preparations for finding a place to live.
These are the things I must do and will do.
Thanks Ace.
The Force is strong with this one.
Anyone surprised? Not I!
May the Force be with you.
Excelsior!!!
Fear is the path to the Dark Side.
I had to look at the fact that I was acting out of fear. I am afraid of being stuck here forever, so out of that fear I was going to run down there. I must not act out of fear, so the choice of leaving is out, but staying here is not an option.
Of course this dose not leave with a path to choose, at least that is what I thought last night. This morning I found that I had a solution.
If each path is an extreme then the only solution is to find the path in between those extremes. This is the path that I have created.
I must act with focus and direction. I must act from knowledge and not from ignorance or fear. I must act with the Force.
I have a plan. I must show the discipline to stick to it and not get distracted.
I will get this job. I will fix my car. I will save for the transition. I will begin to gather the information for the move. I will make the preparations for getting a job down there. I will make the preparations for finding a place to live.
These are the things I must do and will do.
Thanks Ace.
The Force is strong with this one.
Anyone surprised? Not I!
May the Force be with you.
Excelsior!!!
Monday, November 07, 2005
A point of no return
As I have said on my other online journal I have reached a decision point in my life.
I must choose between two paths.
One is the safe path that will lead to my eventual passing into mediocrity, but I will live.
The second path is wrought with danger and peril, and I may not survive.
It sounds far more melodramatic then it is. But the second path could destroy me.
I am searching for guidance and trying to feel the flow of everything around me.
There is no time; there is only the moment, the now.
There is no pain; there is only growth.
There is no failure; there is only experience.
There is no death; there is only the Force.
Time to choose. To piss or get off the pot.
I want all the cookies, even if some of them get broken in the process.
Nothing is impossible for me I just haven't done it yet.
Matt is going to choose. And God help everyone.
May the Force be with all of you.
Excelsior!!!
I must choose between two paths.
One is the safe path that will lead to my eventual passing into mediocrity, but I will live.
The second path is wrought with danger and peril, and I may not survive.
It sounds far more melodramatic then it is. But the second path could destroy me.
I am searching for guidance and trying to feel the flow of everything around me.
There is no time; there is only the moment, the now.
There is no pain; there is only growth.
There is no failure; there is only experience.
There is no death; there is only the Force.
Time to choose. To piss or get off the pot.
I want all the cookies, even if some of them get broken in the process.
Nothing is impossible for me I just haven't done it yet.
Matt is going to choose. And God help everyone.
May the Force be with all of you.
Excelsior!!!
Friday, November 04, 2005
Matt is back on the air!!!
I have my computer back, and I am in heaven.
Well there is some pain as well, cause I worked out today for almost 2 hours.
I am finding that pushing myself is actually dangerous. When I am on the "Dread-mill" I can set the speed and incline at almost any setting and when I get into the "groove" I just keep walking. I was just lost in thought today cause I forgot my CD player and when I looked down at the read out it said my heart rate was like 155. Not bad for my size and what I am trying to do, lose weight. So I just jumped back into the thought stream that I had been in and closed my eyes. I heard Jim say something so I responded and when I looked down the reading was 188. I was somewhat gasping for breath and I could then feel my heart pounding against my chest.
What would you expect for it running at that speed for however long it had been there. I immediately dropped the speed and incline. In no time it dropped below 150 and I felt better. I have decided that I need to keep track of time better if I don't have my CD player. It would suck to have my heart explode while working out.
Would that be ironic or what?
Anyway I am posting from home and it feels so good. I am going to start uploading my music tomorrow as well as some software.
Then working on my Jedi studies will be exponential to what I have been able to do so far. Not to mention the stuff that I am writing for the guys in Missouri.
Well I am getting tired and I don't want to burn myself out the first time at home.
Oh that did not sound right. But who cares?! I am a dirty old Jedi and I like it.
May the Force be with you.
Excelsior!!!
Well there is some pain as well, cause I worked out today for almost 2 hours.
I am finding that pushing myself is actually dangerous. When I am on the "Dread-mill" I can set the speed and incline at almost any setting and when I get into the "groove" I just keep walking. I was just lost in thought today cause I forgot my CD player and when I looked down at the read out it said my heart rate was like 155. Not bad for my size and what I am trying to do, lose weight. So I just jumped back into the thought stream that I had been in and closed my eyes. I heard Jim say something so I responded and when I looked down the reading was 188. I was somewhat gasping for breath and I could then feel my heart pounding against my chest.
What would you expect for it running at that speed for however long it had been there. I immediately dropped the speed and incline. In no time it dropped below 150 and I felt better. I have decided that I need to keep track of time better if I don't have my CD player. It would suck to have my heart explode while working out.
Would that be ironic or what?
Anyway I am posting from home and it feels so good. I am going to start uploading my music tomorrow as well as some software.
Then working on my Jedi studies will be exponential to what I have been able to do so far. Not to mention the stuff that I am writing for the guys in Missouri.
Well I am getting tired and I don't want to burn myself out the first time at home.
Oh that did not sound right. But who cares?! I am a dirty old Jedi and I like it.
May the Force be with you.
Excelsior!!!
Wednesday, November 02, 2005
I don't believe it!!!
Well yet again I have spent over an hour typing my arse off to post only to have this damn site dislike the pop-up blocker and erase everything that I have typed!!!!!!!
I will try and recapture what I wrote, but I am so damn whimsical that I know that I will miss all the cool stuff that I had come up with.
I am nervous about going to apply for this job today. In truth I am down right scared. But we know that for a Jedi that is not allowed. This is where a new rule comes into play...
There is no fear; There is understanding
You see I figure that I am afraid of the unknown. If I don't know what is going to happen then I get scared. I understand why I am afraid and thus can let it go and pass over me into oblivion. The same is true of all fear, understand the reason and deal with it. Thus it holds no sway over you any more.
So I am dedicated to getting out there and putting in a application.
I am also working fervently on the precepts of my Jedi Order. The above rule is just one of many that I have boiled down from ideas that I have had. I will try and refine them just a little more before I post them here for all to see (Yeah Mikey I think you are the only one and thank you for it).
I believe that I have some good and strong ideas. It should be interesting to see what you think.
Well that is all that I want to type so let me say good bye with my usual signature, with twist.
There is no ego; there is fellowship
May the Force be with you.
Excelsior!!!
I will try and recapture what I wrote, but I am so damn whimsical that I know that I will miss all the cool stuff that I had come up with.
I am nervous about going to apply for this job today. In truth I am down right scared. But we know that for a Jedi that is not allowed. This is where a new rule comes into play...
There is no fear; There is understanding
You see I figure that I am afraid of the unknown. If I don't know what is going to happen then I get scared. I understand why I am afraid and thus can let it go and pass over me into oblivion. The same is true of all fear, understand the reason and deal with it. Thus it holds no sway over you any more.
So I am dedicated to getting out there and putting in a application.
I am also working fervently on the precepts of my Jedi Order. The above rule is just one of many that I have boiled down from ideas that I have had. I will try and refine them just a little more before I post them here for all to see (Yeah Mikey I think you are the only one and thank you for it).
I believe that I have some good and strong ideas. It should be interesting to see what you think.
Well that is all that I want to type so let me say good bye with my usual signature, with twist.
There is no ego; there is fellowship
May the Force be with you.
Excelsior!!!
Monday, October 31, 2005
My first steps in a larger world...
The first steps have been made.
Yeah I fell flat on my ass. Oh well as one of my new rules states...
There is no failure; there is learning
See I have been busy working on these ideas. I am still boiling these down and redefining them. In fact the one above is still a work in progress.
What did I do that did not work out? Well simply put I tried to find that place within that is the center where the Force connects with all living things. I kept searching within but in the end I know that I kept forcing it (no pun intended, but it is funny). I just have to keep remembering one other rule.
There is no ignorance; there is knowledge
I may not know why now I cannot find my center, but I will in time. Ah yes another rule
There is no time; there is the moment
I can tell that everyone is maybe getting just a little sick of this. Sorry but if you don't like what you are seeing, look somewhere else.
I am still looking into what went wrong. I know that it has to do with something inside, and we know where that can lead. I will have to walk a fine edge to figure out what is in the way. Ah time for yet again another rule.
There is no Fear; there is understanding.
Now that one is just a little futher along in the process then the others. But that is for a different post.
Anyway I am at Jim's house and he is kicking me out to spend time with his son. So I will post again as soon as possible.
May the Force be with you all.
Excelsior!!!
Yeah I fell flat on my ass. Oh well as one of my new rules states...
There is no failure; there is learning
See I have been busy working on these ideas. I am still boiling these down and redefining them. In fact the one above is still a work in progress.
What did I do that did not work out? Well simply put I tried to find that place within that is the center where the Force connects with all living things. I kept searching within but in the end I know that I kept forcing it (no pun intended, but it is funny). I just have to keep remembering one other rule.
There is no ignorance; there is knowledge
I may not know why now I cannot find my center, but I will in time. Ah yes another rule
There is no time; there is the moment
I can tell that everyone is maybe getting just a little sick of this. Sorry but if you don't like what you are seeing, look somewhere else.
I am still looking into what went wrong. I know that it has to do with something inside, and we know where that can lead. I will have to walk a fine edge to figure out what is in the way. Ah time for yet again another rule.
There is no Fear; there is understanding.
Now that one is just a little futher along in the process then the others. But that is for a different post.
Anyway I am at Jim's house and he is kicking me out to spend time with his son. So I will post again as soon as possible.
May the Force be with you all.
Excelsior!!!
Thursday, October 27, 2005
One dream to rule them all
Hello and welcome the mind of a mad man.
Yes it has finally come to me that there is no way that I am not crazy.
Why? You ask.
What else would you call someone that truly seeks to be a honest to God Jedi.
Yes I said Jedi and I am saying that I have in the past held the ideal of the Jedi as the way to go with a life.
Now please understand that I am not saying it was a bad idea. In fact the tense of the above sentence is correct, I am striving to become a Jedi. I had walked away from this dream several years ago, because I felt it was immature and not something that a grow man should believe in.
Then I find myself reading a book that someone lent to me. I, Jedi.
Yeah I have been struggling with this book for, what like almost a year. I am still in the teens as far as chapters go.
I was unable to get father because I was unable to deal with some of the slight similarities between how I am feeling at this moment and those of the main character. I am still finding it difficult to read on because every page reveals yet one more slight thing that fits something that I have felt recently.
All of this would have been of little concern if I did not remember how inside I wanted to be a Jedi. Always have and I must admit always will.
But to this is not something that is easy. There is a basic concept that goes with being a Jedi that I know that I have little chance of living up to.
The concept that we are all connected and thus there is no self only the whole life. We are all just facets of the complete being that is God. To really touch this power and find the "Force" the first thing that must go is the center in self.
Now please believe me that this is not something that I came to easily. I like things and at first look this means that like a Jedi you don't have things. But then I realize that the old Jedi order was portrayed as incorrect. They did not have it right cause if they did they would not have fallen. That prophecy over Anikin indicated that the Force was out of balance when the old Jedi order was in power.
This would indicate to me that what Lucas was saying that they were wrong.
I am still trying to gather my thoughts on this, but what I can say is that I have decided to retake this dream.
I will become a Jedi. There is not try, only do or do not. I chose to do.
There is no emotion; there is peace.
There is no ignorance; there is knowledge.
There is no passion; there is serenity.
There is no death; there is the Force.
This is where I start, but where I finish is the future.
Always in motion is the future.
Excelsior!!!
Yes it has finally come to me that there is no way that I am not crazy.
Why? You ask.
What else would you call someone that truly seeks to be a honest to God Jedi.
Yes I said Jedi and I am saying that I have in the past held the ideal of the Jedi as the way to go with a life.
Now please understand that I am not saying it was a bad idea. In fact the tense of the above sentence is correct, I am striving to become a Jedi. I had walked away from this dream several years ago, because I felt it was immature and not something that a grow man should believe in.
Then I find myself reading a book that someone lent to me. I, Jedi.
Yeah I have been struggling with this book for, what like almost a year. I am still in the teens as far as chapters go.
I was unable to get father because I was unable to deal with some of the slight similarities between how I am feeling at this moment and those of the main character. I am still finding it difficult to read on because every page reveals yet one more slight thing that fits something that I have felt recently.
All of this would have been of little concern if I did not remember how inside I wanted to be a Jedi. Always have and I must admit always will.
But to this is not something that is easy. There is a basic concept that goes with being a Jedi that I know that I have little chance of living up to.
The concept that we are all connected and thus there is no self only the whole life. We are all just facets of the complete being that is God. To really touch this power and find the "Force" the first thing that must go is the center in self.
Now please believe me that this is not something that I came to easily. I like things and at first look this means that like a Jedi you don't have things. But then I realize that the old Jedi order was portrayed as incorrect. They did not have it right cause if they did they would not have fallen. That prophecy over Anikin indicated that the Force was out of balance when the old Jedi order was in power.
This would indicate to me that what Lucas was saying that they were wrong.
I am still trying to gather my thoughts on this, but what I can say is that I have decided to retake this dream.
I will become a Jedi. There is not try, only do or do not. I chose to do.
There is no emotion; there is peace.
There is no ignorance; there is knowledge.
There is no passion; there is serenity.
There is no death; there is the Force.
This is where I start, but where I finish is the future.
Always in motion is the future.
Excelsior!!!
Monday, October 24, 2005
Maybe insanity is just natures way of saying "Have some Ice Cream"
Hello from crazy land,
Yes I just recovered a little from the workout. I said it on my journal, I feel good. There is pain but it is good.
What I wanted to say here is that I am feeling a little better then I did before I went. Maybe it is just the area but everyone, and I mean everyone had a gut. Even the women...ewwwww!
And in fact I must say that in comparison with the other men there, I am pretty good shape, weight wise anyway.
And I am doing this to better my physical condition. I know now that everything else is transitory and up to me to do something about.
If that makes me crazy....Good! I like crazy. I like it alot.
So I must away with myself as I prepare to play some WOW and then go home and take a shower.
Love to all out there.
Excelsior!!!
Yes I just recovered a little from the workout. I said it on my journal, I feel good. There is pain but it is good.
What I wanted to say here is that I am feeling a little better then I did before I went. Maybe it is just the area but everyone, and I mean everyone had a gut. Even the women...ewwwww!
And in fact I must say that in comparison with the other men there, I am pretty good shape, weight wise anyway.
And I am doing this to better my physical condition. I know now that everything else is transitory and up to me to do something about.
If that makes me crazy....Good! I like crazy. I like it alot.
So I must away with myself as I prepare to play some WOW and then go home and take a shower.
Love to all out there.
Excelsior!!!
Well it is time to face the truth.
You know that just when you think things are going to make sense that is when that guy in the really ugly suit jumps out and screams..
"What a twist!"
Well that has happened where this blog is concerned. I was considering which dream to look at today since I am at Jim's house and have some time before we go and work out. Yes I said work out. It may be hard to believe that I, the fat man who seemed content to be so would suddenly decide to go out and change. Well at first I came up with some really good sounding reasons and some dumb ones, not that I needed an excuse but it seemed to me that there should be a good reason for the rest of the world. Well most of them were good and true on some level, but they were not the root cause.
The reason for this action is simply that I want to become something that I am not. I am dreaming that if I lose the weight and throw on some muscle that I will become sexy and women will want me. Oh yes I remember this dream, I had it while I was in High School and it was as stupid then as it is now. If I cannot attract a member of the opposite sex now then a different body will do nothing to improve that. And anyone that dose respond differently will only be responding to the body and not who I am.
But none the less I am going to go through with this sham and lose the weight. I will ignore the lessons of the past and the wisdom of ages to foolishly grasp at willow the wisps and ghosts.
Oh well. At least if I get in shape I can expect to live a little longer then carrying the weight. Yeah I can look forward to more empty and lonely years on this rock. Wow I have so many reasons to be depressed I just don't know why I am not. Maybe I have finally reached that blessed place called insanity. Where the facts of reality no longer have a hold on my perceptions. Yes that would pretty much cover where I am, no matter how totally doomed it appears that I am, I am going to keep marching on. Oh I can see a couch in my future, and the analysts to go with it.
Well that is all I can really stand to type right now. I have to get ready to go. I will type whenever I get a chance to steal some time at Jim's or the loft.
Excelsior!!!!
"What a twist!"
Well that has happened where this blog is concerned. I was considering which dream to look at today since I am at Jim's house and have some time before we go and work out. Yes I said work out. It may be hard to believe that I, the fat man who seemed content to be so would suddenly decide to go out and change. Well at first I came up with some really good sounding reasons and some dumb ones, not that I needed an excuse but it seemed to me that there should be a good reason for the rest of the world. Well most of them were good and true on some level, but they were not the root cause.
The reason for this action is simply that I want to become something that I am not. I am dreaming that if I lose the weight and throw on some muscle that I will become sexy and women will want me. Oh yes I remember this dream, I had it while I was in High School and it was as stupid then as it is now. If I cannot attract a member of the opposite sex now then a different body will do nothing to improve that. And anyone that dose respond differently will only be responding to the body and not who I am.
But none the less I am going to go through with this sham and lose the weight. I will ignore the lessons of the past and the wisdom of ages to foolishly grasp at willow the wisps and ghosts.
Oh well. At least if I get in shape I can expect to live a little longer then carrying the weight. Yeah I can look forward to more empty and lonely years on this rock. Wow I have so many reasons to be depressed I just don't know why I am not. Maybe I have finally reached that blessed place called insanity. Where the facts of reality no longer have a hold on my perceptions. Yes that would pretty much cover where I am, no matter how totally doomed it appears that I am, I am going to keep marching on. Oh I can see a couch in my future, and the analysts to go with it.
Well that is all I can really stand to type right now. I have to get ready to go. I will type whenever I get a chance to steal some time at Jim's or the loft.
Excelsior!!!!
Saturday, October 22, 2005
In the loft and I can see my breath...
Well I am here and things are...
Well...
They could be worse. I don't know how and I am not asking.
Both of my computers are down, desk and lap. They won't be back in action until the middle of the week and I don't know what to do with myself.
That is not exactly true, but that is not a subject for here;D
Yes I have a sick mind. I gave up fighting it and just roll with the punches.
I am trying to handle all this time that I can not surf or type or play solitaire....
Yes I play solitaire. So what?
Oh I cannot type my hands are cold. I keep hitting the wrong buttons.
Anyway as I was saying I really never realized how bad my handwriting was until I had to write something today. They were notes for a D&D campaign that I was co-running at GO. I tell you that if I had not written them myself I would have thought they were another language.
So I realized that as they say practice makes perfect so I guess I need to write by hand more.
YUCK!!!
Ah well it needs to be done. So that is what I plan to do with all this free time, that is the point that I have been rummaging around to get to.
I am working on a post for the future, well I was until the laptop died. It was about Robots the movie. I cannot even begin to reiterate what I went into with it. I just hope I was able to save it and can make it available for all to read.
I am also hard at work digging out those old dreams and giving them a thorough looking over. I may have a couple that are worth a post or two. But until I get the computer back they will be few and far between.
That is all I can think of to say...
Well no there is more but I am not going down that road right now. I will say that I am feeling more alone now then I have been. I hate this feeling. Even when I am with people it is like they are just shadows in smoke. No I am not going any farther, I won't come back.
So I am going now.
Excelsior!!!
Well...
They could be worse. I don't know how and I am not asking.
Both of my computers are down, desk and lap. They won't be back in action until the middle of the week and I don't know what to do with myself.
That is not exactly true, but that is not a subject for here;D
Yes I have a sick mind. I gave up fighting it and just roll with the punches.
I am trying to handle all this time that I can not surf or type or play solitaire....
Yes I play solitaire. So what?
Oh I cannot type my hands are cold. I keep hitting the wrong buttons.
Anyway as I was saying I really never realized how bad my handwriting was until I had to write something today. They were notes for a D&D campaign that I was co-running at GO. I tell you that if I had not written them myself I would have thought they were another language.
So I realized that as they say practice makes perfect so I guess I need to write by hand more.
YUCK!!!
Ah well it needs to be done. So that is what I plan to do with all this free time, that is the point that I have been rummaging around to get to.
I am working on a post for the future, well I was until the laptop died. It was about Robots the movie. I cannot even begin to reiterate what I went into with it. I just hope I was able to save it and can make it available for all to read.
I am also hard at work digging out those old dreams and giving them a thorough looking over. I may have a couple that are worth a post or two. But until I get the computer back they will be few and far between.
That is all I can think of to say...
Well no there is more but I am not going down that road right now. I will say that I am feeling more alone now then I have been. I hate this feeling. Even when I am with people it is like they are just shadows in smoke. No I am not going any farther, I won't come back.
So I am going now.
Excelsior!!!
Well what a great day!
Dripping sarcasm
Well I am back at the loft for this post. I had been planning on doing this from home on my laptop.....Yeah.
It had a nervous breakdown today. I started it up and it looked fine until I reached the desktop and BAM! Not one single icon or bar. Just the cursor floating there like the one that won't go down. It seemed so lonely, and I was fuming.
I think that I was able to reclaim most of the work that I have on it. At least I hope so. Cause if it is gone then I can kiss the last four weeks of work on certain projects down the drain.
To say that I am pissed is...Well.... An understatement.
I managed to avoid hitting anything. That in itself is a good sign. It just really frustrates me when shit like this happens all at once.
ARRGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!
Okay I am dealing with it. I don't have much time I am on my way over to Mikey's to prep for the GO D&D campaign tonight.
Excelsior!!!!
Well I am back at the loft for this post. I had been planning on doing this from home on my laptop.....Yeah.
It had a nervous breakdown today. I started it up and it looked fine until I reached the desktop and BAM! Not one single icon or bar. Just the cursor floating there like the one that won't go down. It seemed so lonely, and I was fuming.
I think that I was able to reclaim most of the work that I have on it. At least I hope so. Cause if it is gone then I can kiss the last four weeks of work on certain projects down the drain.
To say that I am pissed is...Well.... An understatement.
I managed to avoid hitting anything. That in itself is a good sign. It just really frustrates me when shit like this happens all at once.
ARRGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!
Okay I am dealing with it. I don't have much time I am on my way over to Mikey's to prep for the GO D&D campaign tonight.
Excelsior!!!!
Friday, October 21, 2005
Baby it is cold outside!
Man I forgot how cold it can get in the loft. I swear it is colder in here then outside. The irony of it all is that there are two propane heaters the size of R2-D2 sitting here, just not as functional. I will have to make sure that we get those up and running SOON.
Anyway I started this blog for a ton of reasons that right now seem just a little weird. I was going to look at all the past dreams that I had and try and figure out if I wanted to pursue them or let them go.
Now I look at it and wonder what the hell I was thinking. I mean I do need to figure out what I want to pursue but I don't need to bore the hell out of anyone reading this blog with all the stuff that goes with that. I like the idea of maybe just exploring my dreams here in some other way. Like I could post stuff that I try and do to explore those dreams.
Of course it would help if I defined what those dreams are.
Wow there are a boat load of them.
Hmmm...Oh here is one. I wanted to be a scientist. Yeah not going to happen. That one is easy to toss. Why? Well it became apparent that my idea of science was drastically different then the worlds the day that I ran an experiment in chemistry class.
It revolved around changing a material from solid to liquid and back. The experiment resulted in there being less material after the experiment then before. Now it was just a very small amount but still it was less.
When I asked where it went I was told that it did not matter.
IT DID NOT MATTER!!!!!
That is so bullshit. Of course it matters!!! Anyway as things went I kept finding things like this all through the science field and decided that I might as well just make up my own rules and play role playing games. So here I am.
Yeah that one is so gone. Just one more disillusionment gone from my youth. Love science fiction but real science sucks.
Wow that took a long time to type. I will break now and hit this again tomorrow.
Excelsior!!!
Anyway I started this blog for a ton of reasons that right now seem just a little weird. I was going to look at all the past dreams that I had and try and figure out if I wanted to pursue them or let them go.
Now I look at it and wonder what the hell I was thinking. I mean I do need to figure out what I want to pursue but I don't need to bore the hell out of anyone reading this blog with all the stuff that goes with that. I like the idea of maybe just exploring my dreams here in some other way. Like I could post stuff that I try and do to explore those dreams.
Of course it would help if I defined what those dreams are.
Wow there are a boat load of them.
Hmmm...Oh here is one. I wanted to be a scientist. Yeah not going to happen. That one is easy to toss. Why? Well it became apparent that my idea of science was drastically different then the worlds the day that I ran an experiment in chemistry class.
It revolved around changing a material from solid to liquid and back. The experiment resulted in there being less material after the experiment then before. Now it was just a very small amount but still it was less.
When I asked where it went I was told that it did not matter.
IT DID NOT MATTER!!!!!
That is so bullshit. Of course it matters!!! Anyway as things went I kept finding things like this all through the science field and decided that I might as well just make up my own rules and play role playing games. So here I am.
Yeah that one is so gone. Just one more disillusionment gone from my youth. Love science fiction but real science sucks.
Wow that took a long time to type. I will break now and hit this again tomorrow.
Excelsior!!!
Wednesday, October 19, 2005
Since when did computers need drivers?
So I get this call today from my friend who is looking at my computer. He tells me that to finish everything up he need the drivers for all the extra doohikies that are inside. Something about them being attached to the motherboard and that windows dose not recognize them or something.
yecch I am not totally computer illiterate but there are limits to my old person mind when it comes to things like this. Now I know what drivers are so don't even try and I understand that the accessories are not plug and play, it was just so much at once.
Anyway I am going to see if the drivers are at the store and if not then I will have to devote three for four hours trying to find them on the internet.
So I am still out a computer, it is going to be at least a day before I can get it back and if things don't work out I may never get it back. Yeah that is a possibility. If we cannot find the drivers on line the computer is done. So yeah I said it before and I will say it again
"Man I love being a turtle!"
Uh...No .... That was a quote from TMNT, sorry. I meant to say...
"Computers, you can't live with them and you cannot reformat them either."
Anyway I am off to the store.
Excelsior!
yecch I am not totally computer illiterate but there are limits to my old person mind when it comes to things like this. Now I know what drivers are so don't even try and I understand that the accessories are not plug and play, it was just so much at once.
Anyway I am going to see if the drivers are at the store and if not then I will have to devote three for four hours trying to find them on the internet.
So I am still out a computer, it is going to be at least a day before I can get it back and if things don't work out I may never get it back. Yeah that is a possibility. If we cannot find the drivers on line the computer is done. So yeah I said it before and I will say it again
"Man I love being a turtle!"
Uh...No .... That was a quote from TMNT, sorry. I meant to say...
"Computers, you can't live with them and you cannot reformat them either."
Anyway I am off to the store.
Excelsior!
Monday, October 17, 2005
Techno withdrawal
I type this on a good friends computer.
Why you ask?
Because my computer is offline, fragged and otherwise out of commission.
I never really thought that I was addicted to technology until I realized that I need to send stuff via email. I like being able to read blogs and journals from my friends. I need to type my ideas onto my journals and blogs (yes I have more then one, and no I am not vain. I am not on my space yet). It is just strange that something that I always thought was not an important part of my life has proven that it is by not being there.
My good friend is going to fix my computer and so I will have it back soon. But until then I am a cyber mooch. Oh well it could be worse.
I will type again either from another friends house or when I get the computer back. Until then...
Excelsior!!
Why you ask?
Because my computer is offline, fragged and otherwise out of commission.
I never really thought that I was addicted to technology until I realized that I need to send stuff via email. I like being able to read blogs and journals from my friends. I need to type my ideas onto my journals and blogs (yes I have more then one, and no I am not vain. I am not on my space yet). It is just strange that something that I always thought was not an important part of my life has proven that it is by not being there.
My good friend is going to fix my computer and so I will have it back soon. But until then I am a cyber mooch. Oh well it could be worse.
I will type again either from another friends house or when I get the computer back. Until then...
Excelsior!!
Saturday, October 15, 2005
A time for one, a time for all and a time for none
Arrgh I had this all typed and it erased it, so here I go again.
I sit here and type this while my insides are going every which direction. I have a hope and a dream that I hold on to and will not, nay cannot let go. I tried and it came back with a vengeance. The trouble is that everything tells me that it is not real, never going to happen or come true. But what else do I have to hold onto? Nothing.
I know that this world has walked away from it's imagination, it has allowed stupid things to get in the way of dreams. We need to get back to embracing those dreams and making them real. That is what makes this world great. Everything that we enjoy now is the result of someone taking a dream and believing in it so strong that they did what it took to make it real. This country would not be here if someone had not thought that religious freedom was a possibility. They believed in a place where anyone could believe what every they wanted and not be persecuted for it. And what do you know, they made it real. Of course there were bumps and screw ups along the way, but that is what happens. How we deal with those bumps is what is important. Now we did not do so well then and we still have some trouble now but that is a different subject altogether.
The trouble is that I don't know when I should take the leap and try and make the dream come true. That is the crux of the problem, the sticky wicket and the real trick. I don't think that anyone can know when to take the plunge. When they should reach out for the rope that they believe is there but cannot see and if it dose exist may just be out of reach.
I guess that is where faith comes in. Everything inside of me is telling me to reach out, take the chance. It is my head that keeps me in check. I may just have to rely on faith and stretch out my hand and see if what I hope is there, is there.
I am just afraid that if I do and it is not, that what I dream of will slip away forever. For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. Simple science that speaks volumes to my fear.
I just don't know. I have to make a decision and soon or I will go crazy inside and out.
I am not going to get depressed or fall into a funk, just look for something to make some sense out of all of this and give me some direction, or at least some impetus to "shit or get off the pot" as a good friends mom would say. Love that woman and her unconventional manner.
I am ready to face the day now, I feel better. I may not know where I am going but I am damn happy to be on the way.
I leave with word that holds a special place in my heart. It means a lot to me.
Excelsior!
I sit here and type this while my insides are going every which direction. I have a hope and a dream that I hold on to and will not, nay cannot let go. I tried and it came back with a vengeance. The trouble is that everything tells me that it is not real, never going to happen or come true. But what else do I have to hold onto? Nothing.
I know that this world has walked away from it's imagination, it has allowed stupid things to get in the way of dreams. We need to get back to embracing those dreams and making them real. That is what makes this world great. Everything that we enjoy now is the result of someone taking a dream and believing in it so strong that they did what it took to make it real. This country would not be here if someone had not thought that religious freedom was a possibility. They believed in a place where anyone could believe what every they wanted and not be persecuted for it. And what do you know, they made it real. Of course there were bumps and screw ups along the way, but that is what happens. How we deal with those bumps is what is important. Now we did not do so well then and we still have some trouble now but that is a different subject altogether.
The trouble is that I don't know when I should take the leap and try and make the dream come true. That is the crux of the problem, the sticky wicket and the real trick. I don't think that anyone can know when to take the plunge. When they should reach out for the rope that they believe is there but cannot see and if it dose exist may just be out of reach.
I guess that is where faith comes in. Everything inside of me is telling me to reach out, take the chance. It is my head that keeps me in check. I may just have to rely on faith and stretch out my hand and see if what I hope is there, is there.
I am just afraid that if I do and it is not, that what I dream of will slip away forever. For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. Simple science that speaks volumes to my fear.
I just don't know. I have to make a decision and soon or I will go crazy inside and out.
I am not going to get depressed or fall into a funk, just look for something to make some sense out of all of this and give me some direction, or at least some impetus to "shit or get off the pot" as a good friends mom would say. Love that woman and her unconventional manner.
I am ready to face the day now, I feel better. I may not know where I am going but I am damn happy to be on the way.
I leave with word that holds a special place in my heart. It means a lot to me.
Excelsior!
Tuesday, October 11, 2005
Okay so to do anything I have to post
Well here it is at long last. I have promised myself to start a blog and not tell anyone about it for a long time. I tried once but that fell flat, so here it is.
As the title says I had to post something to finish setting everyting up. Well here it is and that is all I have to say right now about that.
Excelsior!!!
As the title says I had to post something to finish setting everyting up. Well here it is and that is all I have to say right now about that.
Excelsior!!!
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