Hail and well met
It is late again. But this time it is because I don't want to tie up the phone line during the day. I have decided not to sit here and just wait for that damn phone call. I have way to much shit to do. So I have been working out and going over to the loft and hanging with Ben. I have been writing on my Iron Kingdoms campaign and working on the projects for the guys at Harsh Realities.
All in all keeping myself busy. Cause if I don't I am going to fixate on this job and the fact that I am in limbo until they call. I just don't want to think to much or I know where it will lead. So that is all I am going to say about that, lest I fall into that trap again.
I am feverishly planning my trips to see everyone. I am getting quite giddy over them. I really like traveling around seeing people. It is exciting to go to new places and see new things. I think I should do more of it, when the money allows. Lets face it travel costs money. I have known a few people that tried to just bike around the country with no real capital and in every case it ended up in bad way.
Speaking of traveling to cool places Miles sent me this link and I have decided to post it here for all to see (and to remind me to get shit underway).
August 10-13, 2006 Indianapolis, Indiana
Greetings!
It's that time of year, again. The time when all you adoring fans of Gen Con try your hardest to be the first to purchase your Gen Con Indy badge and subsequently receive that coveted Hotel Code for Passkey that allows you to book a room at your favorite Indianapolis Hotel.
Well, we have good news. Recalling the challenges that have faced us in the past, we'’ve decided to implement a new process to avoid those historic moments of groans and curses by changing how the hotel code will be distributed.
Badge registration will go live at noon (PST) on Monday, February 6th. At 8:00am (PST) on Wednesday, February 8th, we will email, en masse, the code to all those who have already registered for their badge. The code will go out via email. Please note The code will NOT be sent on a first-come, first-served basis, so being the first to register for your badge will not guarantee that you will be the first to receive the code.
At this time we do not have plans to provide shuttle service to the convention center from the airport hotels. Please take this into account when booking your hotel.
We appreciate your patience and support as we strive to improve our systems.
Thank you,
The Gen Con Team
I will be researching hotels in the area of the convention center and getting together a list of prices available. The big kick in the ass is parking. I need to find a new place to park cause I ain't spending 80 on it (hell I had enough trouble lying and paying 40, my consience is still kicking me for that one) So my work is cut out for me, if anyone has any connections or ideas feel free to comment or contact me. If you don't know my email it is xens05@gmail.com.
Oh before I forget I must give a shout out to a hell of a guy. He is turning out to be far cooler then I thought he was. In fact he borders on being a philosopher. Shep your last post is one of the best I have read in a long time. Your views are both straight forward but deep. You cut to the chase and say it like it is. Thank you.
Well that is all the time I have as it is almost 2:30 and I need to sleep so that I can stop feeling all this pain from working out. It is good but it gets annoying real fast.
May the Force be with you
Excelsior!!!
Friday, January 27, 2006
Thursday, January 26, 2006
Matt-man is still waiting....Mat-man hates waiting
Hail and well met
Well it is late again and I cannot sleep. I wish that they would just call already. Jeez what are they waiting for, God to give them a sign or something.
GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!
I hate waiting, as if you didn't know that already.
On other news fronts I am planning on Carbondale trip around the weekend of the 11th. Hopefully a couple of weeks after that I will hit Monmouth. Yes Todd you can come with, if Miles says it is ok. I am sure that it is not a problem but I just want to make sure. If Chris comes along it could be tight. But Chris don't think about dropping out because of that. I know you are busy getting your life in order but as I said sometimes you need to stop and smell the roses. Besides it would be fun (not to much fun but just a little) and it is cheap. Anyway I am making plans in the hope that it might just push the tides of fate in my favor and get that damn call made sooner.
Oh well I am going to try and sleep, but don't be surprised if I post again in an hour or so.
Insomnia why do you plague me?
Oh well I shouldn't be upset. After all I did sleep far to much of my life away. This is only irony at its best.
May the Force be with you
Excelsior!!!
Oh and I have noticed that when I tipe late at night I make far too many spelling errors.
Well it is late again and I cannot sleep. I wish that they would just call already. Jeez what are they waiting for, God to give them a sign or something.
GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!
I hate waiting, as if you didn't know that already.
On other news fronts I am planning on Carbondale trip around the weekend of the 11th. Hopefully a couple of weeks after that I will hit Monmouth. Yes Todd you can come with, if Miles says it is ok. I am sure that it is not a problem but I just want to make sure. If Chris comes along it could be tight. But Chris don't think about dropping out because of that. I know you are busy getting your life in order but as I said sometimes you need to stop and smell the roses. Besides it would be fun (not to much fun but just a little) and it is cheap. Anyway I am making plans in the hope that it might just push the tides of fate in my favor and get that damn call made sooner.
Oh well I am going to try and sleep, but don't be surprised if I post again in an hour or so.
Insomnia why do you plague me?
Oh well I shouldn't be upset. After all I did sleep far to much of my life away. This is only irony at its best.
May the Force be with you
Excelsior!!!
Oh and I have noticed that when I tipe late at night I make far too many spelling errors.
Tuesday, January 24, 2006
The Long Wait For The Matt-phone
Hail and well met
Well I went in today and spoke to the gentleman about the job. He seemed quite positive about it and in his words I am "as good as hired". Now I just have to wait for the phone call to show up and start.
Luckily I am really tired tonight otherwise I would probably not be able to sleep. Thank the maker for Bally's. I worked out today and I am exhausted.
I just wanted to post this and let anyone and everyone know that I am one step closer to being gainfully employed again. Woot for having a paycheck!
Well I am going to hit the hay. Posting will be difficult as I need the phone line free so using the internet will be tricky at best. Stupid dial up. Getting DSL is one of the top ten things that I am going to do when I get paid.
Hope all is well with everyone. Hope to see all of you soon.
May the Force be with you
Excelsior!!!
Well I went in today and spoke to the gentleman about the job. He seemed quite positive about it and in his words I am "as good as hired". Now I just have to wait for the phone call to show up and start.
Luckily I am really tired tonight otherwise I would probably not be able to sleep. Thank the maker for Bally's. I worked out today and I am exhausted.
I just wanted to post this and let anyone and everyone know that I am one step closer to being gainfully employed again. Woot for having a paycheck!
Well I am going to hit the hay. Posting will be difficult as I need the phone line free so using the internet will be tricky at best. Stupid dial up. Getting DSL is one of the top ten things that I am going to do when I get paid.
Hope all is well with everyone. Hope to see all of you soon.
May the Force be with you
Excelsior!!!
Matt-man VS. Insomnia
Hail and well met.....At 3:20 in the freaking morning
I should be asleep. I really need to be rested for tomorrow. But I just laid there looking into the blackness of my room. No matter how I tried I just couldn't seem to fall into slumber.
So instead I decided to get up and post something.
I guess that I am both excited and scared. If this works out then I can start getting things going in my life. Not that I wasn't before but there are just some things that hope and desire cannot do, like pay bills. I don't want to sit here and put all my eggs in one basket but if this doesn't happen then I have no other prospects, at least not here. I cannot survive on a $8.00 an hour job. Not anymore. At least not here.
So what does that mean?
Well if this doesn't happen then when I go to Carbondale I will be looking into work and housing. I don't want to move completely but if I have no other options then so be it. I guess when I wished for change I was setting myself up for a fall. What is that adage?
Be careful what you wish for, you might get it.
Yeah in spades.
But then again I am not going to walk into this figuring that I am going to fail. That was the old me, the one that would not fight for anything cause I could just blame that voice and forget it. Nope I have to take the blame if I blow it. Again I am not going to walk into this expecting to fail.
Nothing is impossible with the Force.
There is no fear; there is understanding
There is no anger; there is self-control
There is no pain; there is growth
There is no failure; there is experience
There is no ignorance; there is knowledge
There is no ego; there is fellowship
There is no confusion; there is direction
There is no indecision; there is focus
There is no death; there is the Force
Oh you thought that I had forgotten my path? Nope it is still there and I am walking it everyday. I will be a Jedi, a new Jedi. And I know that one day I will teach these things to someone ( I would love it to be a son or daughter..Or both)
I am going to see this through. I am going to succeed. One way or the other there is no way but up.
Further up and further in. (a quote from The Last Battle by C.S. Lewis.....READ A BOOK)
Well it is 4 now and I guess that I feel a little tired so I am off to sleep(hopefully) perchance to dream(oh God I hope not).
I will probably call everyone with an update when I find out what the verdict is.
May the Force be with you
Excelsior!!!
I should be asleep. I really need to be rested for tomorrow. But I just laid there looking into the blackness of my room. No matter how I tried I just couldn't seem to fall into slumber.
So instead I decided to get up and post something.
I guess that I am both excited and scared. If this works out then I can start getting things going in my life. Not that I wasn't before but there are just some things that hope and desire cannot do, like pay bills. I don't want to sit here and put all my eggs in one basket but if this doesn't happen then I have no other prospects, at least not here. I cannot survive on a $8.00 an hour job. Not anymore. At least not here.
So what does that mean?
Well if this doesn't happen then when I go to Carbondale I will be looking into work and housing. I don't want to move completely but if I have no other options then so be it. I guess when I wished for change I was setting myself up for a fall. What is that adage?
Be careful what you wish for, you might get it.
Yeah in spades.
But then again I am not going to walk into this figuring that I am going to fail. That was the old me, the one that would not fight for anything cause I could just blame that voice and forget it. Nope I have to take the blame if I blow it. Again I am not going to walk into this expecting to fail.
Nothing is impossible with the Force.
There is no fear; there is understanding
There is no anger; there is self-control
There is no pain; there is growth
There is no failure; there is experience
There is no ignorance; there is knowledge
There is no ego; there is fellowship
There is no confusion; there is direction
There is no indecision; there is focus
There is no death; there is the Force
Oh you thought that I had forgotten my path? Nope it is still there and I am walking it everyday. I will be a Jedi, a new Jedi. And I know that one day I will teach these things to someone ( I would love it to be a son or daughter..Or both)
I am going to see this through. I am going to succeed. One way or the other there is no way but up.
Further up and further in. (a quote from The Last Battle by C.S. Lewis.....READ A BOOK)
Well it is 4 now and I guess that I feel a little tired so I am off to sleep(hopefully) perchance to dream(oh God I hope not).
I will probably call everyone with an update when I find out what the verdict is.
May the Force be with you
Excelsior!!!
Monday, January 23, 2006
Matt-man Vs. The Interview
Hail and well met
Tomorrow is the day. At 9:00 I am to meet the man at the Crete Post Office. Jim says it looks good. All I know is that I need to work. I need a paycheck. If all works out I will be employeed as of tomorrow. Which is cool as tomorrow is my next day for unemployment so I will have cash for gas until I get paid! WOOT!
All things are pointing my way for the first time this year. I am not getting my hopes up but this sure beats the crap that I have been living with so far.
No matter what I am going down to see Nicky, Joe, Josh and the rest of the crew in Carbondale in a couple of weeks. OHHHHH YEAH!
Soon after I plan on heading out to see Miles up in Monmouth. Chris you had better be ready for the trip. DON'T QUESTION IT!!!!
I am in a damn good mood.
My Tuesday night group has had to change to Mondays for awhile so I am getting ready to head out as I type.
I will see all on Wednesday or as soon as I see you. Chris are you working out tomorrow? I can drive if that is a concern. Val is going, he finally feels up to it.
Anyway I am out of here. Feels good to be back in the saddle, so to speak. Hope all is going well for everyone else. If not then....Why haven't you called or emailed or something?! Yeah I have the moral high ground when it comes to that...NOT! Oh well we all fall down once in awhile.
May the Force be with you
Excelsior!!!
OH I almost forgot one other trip that I will be taking, especially if the gig happens.
JAMES I AM GOING TO VISIT! SO GET READY TO TEAR UP ATLANTA!
YOU WANT THE RUNNING BUDDIES?!
YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE RUNNING BUDDIES!!!!
WOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
Audi 5000
Tomorrow is the day. At 9:00 I am to meet the man at the Crete Post Office. Jim says it looks good. All I know is that I need to work. I need a paycheck. If all works out I will be employeed as of tomorrow. Which is cool as tomorrow is my next day for unemployment so I will have cash for gas until I get paid! WOOT!
All things are pointing my way for the first time this year. I am not getting my hopes up but this sure beats the crap that I have been living with so far.
No matter what I am going down to see Nicky, Joe, Josh and the rest of the crew in Carbondale in a couple of weeks. OHHHHH YEAH!
Soon after I plan on heading out to see Miles up in Monmouth. Chris you had better be ready for the trip. DON'T QUESTION IT!!!!
I am in a damn good mood.
My Tuesday night group has had to change to Mondays for awhile so I am getting ready to head out as I type.
I will see all on Wednesday or as soon as I see you. Chris are you working out tomorrow? I can drive if that is a concern. Val is going, he finally feels up to it.
Anyway I am out of here. Feels good to be back in the saddle, so to speak. Hope all is going well for everyone else. If not then....Why haven't you called or emailed or something?! Yeah I have the moral high ground when it comes to that...NOT! Oh well we all fall down once in awhile.
May the Force be with you
Excelsior!!!
OH I almost forgot one other trip that I will be taking, especially if the gig happens.
JAMES I AM GOING TO VISIT! SO GET READY TO TEAR UP ATLANTA!
YOU WANT THE RUNNING BUDDIES?!
YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE RUNNING BUDDIES!!!!
WOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
Audi 5000
Friday, January 20, 2006
Matt-man VS. The Virus
Hail and well met
Well I have been out of communication for a couple of days due to an incursion of a virus. Not sure where it came from but it is gone now. Had to reformat and reload everything, which really sucks. I have a ton of music that I have to reload and that is going to eat a lot of time one of these days. I really need to acquire a separate hard drive for my music so that I don't have to keep reloading it, not to mention all those important files that I had to scramble or lose.
My friend Jim was able to help me out and now I am back in business.
So I still have that subject that I mentioned earlier to talk about. Well some things have changed slightly since then. Not much but they do force me to reevaluate my position.
I have received an application for the Post Office, which will make getting in much easier. The test info still is in limbo but if they take me on I can take the test later.
No matter what happens, here is what is going to happen this year (even if it kills me). I am going to Carbondale to seek housing and to scope out the local job market, including the postal situation down there. I want to find a apartment and I intend to commute between down there and up here for probably a year. Once I have the year under my belt I will decide what I am doing from there.
I just have to get away from here. To much has hold of me around here. Too many memories, both good and bad. I find there are bars and chains that I have excepted as who I am and what I can/cannot do. The harder I try and break them the more they bind and constrain me. I need to get out on my own and away from these things.
I know that I am going to miss a lot of people. Things are not going to be easy, but that is why I am cohabitating for awhile. I just need to be on my own (meaning away from my parents mostly) providing for myself (which I am almost doing now) and charting my own course (which I am not really doing now).
That is an interesting analogy, charting a course. Sailors use the stars to determine their location and which direction to go in. In much the same way we use the people in our lives like stars. They provide direction and give us an idea of where we are going. Sometimes we need to realize that certain stars (people) are no longer in our skies and we need to stop trying to use them to get our bearing otherwise we go in circles. That is what I am trying to do, clear my sky a little (well two stars in particular) and move on.
Well not as eloquent as I would have liked but there it is. It is open for discussion at any time just ask. I do intend to talk about this other then here, but this seemed a good way to get the message out to everyone all at once without interruption.
I am not just packing up and leaving in the night. I will still be around and I will still hang out.
Well not much more for me to say (bullshit, there is a lot more to say). Well not here anyway (more like the truth). I will see all later this weekend, or as soon as I can make the trip.
Nicky, Joe, Josh I am coming!!!!
Miles and Kristin I am bringing Chris, even if I have to bring an iron lung!!!
May the Force be with you
Excelsior!!!
Well I have been out of communication for a couple of days due to an incursion of a virus. Not sure where it came from but it is gone now. Had to reformat and reload everything, which really sucks. I have a ton of music that I have to reload and that is going to eat a lot of time one of these days. I really need to acquire a separate hard drive for my music so that I don't have to keep reloading it, not to mention all those important files that I had to scramble or lose.
My friend Jim was able to help me out and now I am back in business.
So I still have that subject that I mentioned earlier to talk about. Well some things have changed slightly since then. Not much but they do force me to reevaluate my position.
I have received an application for the Post Office, which will make getting in much easier. The test info still is in limbo but if they take me on I can take the test later.
No matter what happens, here is what is going to happen this year (even if it kills me). I am going to Carbondale to seek housing and to scope out the local job market, including the postal situation down there. I want to find a apartment and I intend to commute between down there and up here for probably a year. Once I have the year under my belt I will decide what I am doing from there.
I just have to get away from here. To much has hold of me around here. Too many memories, both good and bad. I find there are bars and chains that I have excepted as who I am and what I can/cannot do. The harder I try and break them the more they bind and constrain me. I need to get out on my own and away from these things.
I know that I am going to miss a lot of people. Things are not going to be easy, but that is why I am cohabitating for awhile. I just need to be on my own (meaning away from my parents mostly) providing for myself (which I am almost doing now) and charting my own course (which I am not really doing now).
That is an interesting analogy, charting a course. Sailors use the stars to determine their location and which direction to go in. In much the same way we use the people in our lives like stars. They provide direction and give us an idea of where we are going. Sometimes we need to realize that certain stars (people) are no longer in our skies and we need to stop trying to use them to get our bearing otherwise we go in circles. That is what I am trying to do, clear my sky a little (well two stars in particular) and move on.
Well not as eloquent as I would have liked but there it is. It is open for discussion at any time just ask. I do intend to talk about this other then here, but this seemed a good way to get the message out to everyone all at once without interruption.
I am not just packing up and leaving in the night. I will still be around and I will still hang out.
Well not much more for me to say (bullshit, there is a lot more to say). Well not here anyway (more like the truth). I will see all later this weekend, or as soon as I can make the trip.
Nicky, Joe, Josh I am coming!!!!
Miles and Kristin I am bringing Chris, even if I have to bring an iron lung!!!
May the Force be with you
Excelsior!!!
Tuesday, January 17, 2006
Matt-Man The Dork Knight
Hail and well met
It has been several days since I have posted. Been running around doing stuff. Mostly hanging out at the loft or working out. Yeah in fact I am leaving in a few minutes to do that this morning. I am sticking to it, even though I don't think it is going to do a damn thing for me. I mean I will get healthier, but other then that I don't see much use to it.
I have receieved numerous questions from people and I must say that their were several questions that I liked very much. I was sweating someone sitting down and really diggin up some big ones. I mean real hard questions, but so far nothing and as it seems to be dying down I don't expect any will crop up.
I just wanted to post and say hey. There is a subject that I wish to address later on and it probably won't go over well, but meh.
Anyway I am running out of time so I will bid everyone adieu....
May the Force be with you
Excelsior!!!
It has been several days since I have posted. Been running around doing stuff. Mostly hanging out at the loft or working out. Yeah in fact I am leaving in a few minutes to do that this morning. I am sticking to it, even though I don't think it is going to do a damn thing for me. I mean I will get healthier, but other then that I don't see much use to it.
I have receieved numerous questions from people and I must say that their were several questions that I liked very much. I was sweating someone sitting down and really diggin up some big ones. I mean real hard questions, but so far nothing and as it seems to be dying down I don't expect any will crop up.
I just wanted to post and say hey. There is a subject that I wish to address later on and it probably won't go over well, but meh.
Anyway I am running out of time so I will bid everyone adieu....
May the Force be with you
Excelsior!!!
Saturday, January 14, 2006
The Who? (and I don't mean the band)
| Your Superhero Profile |
 Your Superhero Name is The Manga Defender Your Superpower is Complements Your Weakness is Confined spaces Your Weapon is Your Lunar Slingshot Your Mode of Transportation is Vortex |
What's your Superhero Name?
This was a bit of a blast. My superpower is complements... funny not to far off the mark. No I do not like confined spaces. Lunar Slingshot? Not really sure what that actually is (although Tadd is "hard" at work coming up with something) A Vortex huh? I like it. Kind of a cool thing a vortex that takes you where you want to go.
kay O wasted enough time on this so
May the Force be with you
Excelsior!!!
kay O wasted enough time on this so
May the Force be with you
Excelsior!!!
Thursday, January 12, 2006
Mat-man Unveiled
I took a cue from a friends blog on this one. Way to go Chris!
You can ask me ANY 5 questions:
1:
2:
3:
4:
5:
No matter how personal or crazy, I promise to answer the questions 100% truthfully.
Repost this and see what people want to ask you.
So there it is. Should prove interesting.
May the Force be with you (and me answering these questions)
Excelsior!!!
You can ask me ANY 5 questions:
1:
2:
3:
4:
5:
No matter how personal or crazy, I promise to answer the questions 100% truthfully.
Repost this and see what people want to ask you.
So there it is. Should prove interesting.
May the Force be with you (and me answering these questions)
Excelsior!!!
Matt-man Returns
Hail and well met
Some have commented that my "voice" situation is a cop out. To this I say no. There is a reason and I will explain here and now.
I did what I did to be rid of that voice once and for all. I have used it as a crutch and a cop out for many years. Hiding behind it when things got tough or difficult. Now you will say "But you are doing it again, blaming it for this fuck up". No not once in what I have said have I ever put the blame for this on that voice. I chose to do this, me, Matthew Hamilton Endicott, not some voice or other identity. The voice was simply a catalyst.
As I began to think over what I had done and considered the affect on everyone else (something I should have done the day I first commented) I have come to an understanding of my own character. For too long I have used that voice as a scapegoat for all my problems. Taking every fear, doubt, insecurity and failure and placed it on its doorstep. Then I would just turn my back and run away. It was "its" problem and fault, not mine. As long as it was around I was untouched by the mistakes and failures of my life. I did not need to work at anything hard, if I failed (which was a foregone conclusion with a lack of effort) I would just place the blame on that voice and move on. Every aspect of my life has fallen into disarray because I have never really stood up and faced my fears, doubts, insecurities and failures and dealt with them.
But all of this is seen in hindsight, and that is a good thing. If I had realized what I was doing at the time I might have stopped. I would have backed away and kept my little crutch, shield and excuse. Because to be with out it would have meant that I would be responsible for everything. Every fear, every doubt and so on would have been laid at my doorstep and I would have to deal with them, no excuses or "cop outs".
That is not what happened though. I instead made the comment to spite that damn voice. I knew what everyone would do, I am not that stupid. I knew that you would stand up for me. I can only assume that since it was apart of me it knew as well, why it allowed it to happen I don't know. What I did not know was that for a moment all of you did something, you looked at a comment and you created this person, this entity that had written it, to you it was a real person not me. For a fleeting moment that voice had life. It tried to survive, it tried to breath but it had not the capacity to exist on its own. It died. It passed away for it did not really exist.
It is gone and I am all that is left. With this pile of crap that I have placed in its backyard over the last number of years.
This sounds all noble and ominous, but it is far from it. I have to deal with all this shit now. Every stupid thing is mine to deal with. I have to escape and I cannot just push it aside. There is nowhere to push it to.
If I could go back I think I might. If I could change what I did I would. But not because I hurt, offended, or pissed any of you off. I would go back so that I could remain ignorant and comfortable in my stupid little world of immaculate mediocrity.
I am sorry for the trouble. I have talked to a number of those involved and have a number to go. This is the last I intend to post on this subject. If anything else is to be said it will be done in person if at all.
I am not a new person, I am not reborn. I am what I have always been, but I chose not to see it. I take up the mantle (good word, I kind of stole it from Nicky) of who I am.
Who am I? You ask.
I am Matt-man.
No secret identities, no capes and only those powers that anyone of us has. But for each they are different and unique. So I do not fire blasts from my ass or can bench press a battle ship with my eye brows. These are not what make someone super, it is how they live, love and laugh. How they try and bring a light into a dark room and help others. It is a kind word or a simple gesture in a time of need. These are the powers that flow through us all, this is the Force. I call it Matterocity, because it is mine and I choose to make it so.
I will become all the things I dream I will become. Because I choose to. I will face all the fears, doubts, insecurities and failures; look them in the eye and KICK THEIR ASS, with a little help from time to time. I will stand with all those I call friend and in their time of need I will lend a helping hand, even if that means taking a step back and leaving them alone or simply shutting up and listening.
I have survived this ordeal with your help, albeit not the way you would have like to help. I am not sure that I deserve all of you as my friends, but I think that no one ever really deserves what they get in their own mind. It is our friends that tend to see more in us then we see in ourselves, and maybe why friends are friends. I thank all of you for still standing with me, unless you aren't. If you have to walk away then I wish no ill will towards you. I thank you for the time we have had and I will always be willing to help in the memory of that time.
As a dear friend of mine once said (In a role playing session mind you) "There is no time for hate"
Nope there is not. I have way to much to do. Way too many people to try and stay in touch with. I mean really my Christmas card bill is getting out of hand. OH on that note I finally found where I magical put my cards this year. I am an idiot. They were in my car. So once I get some spilled stuff off of them I will make sure that everyone gets theirs.
Okay well that is all that I have to say for now. Again this is the last I will talk of this in this media.
Soon back to "Wacky Space Adventures".
damn Battle Star Galctica!
May the Force be with you all
Excelsior!!!
Some have commented that my "voice" situation is a cop out. To this I say no. There is a reason and I will explain here and now.
I did what I did to be rid of that voice once and for all. I have used it as a crutch and a cop out for many years. Hiding behind it when things got tough or difficult. Now you will say "But you are doing it again, blaming it for this fuck up". No not once in what I have said have I ever put the blame for this on that voice. I chose to do this, me, Matthew Hamilton Endicott, not some voice or other identity. The voice was simply a catalyst.
As I began to think over what I had done and considered the affect on everyone else (something I should have done the day I first commented) I have come to an understanding of my own character. For too long I have used that voice as a scapegoat for all my problems. Taking every fear, doubt, insecurity and failure and placed it on its doorstep. Then I would just turn my back and run away. It was "its" problem and fault, not mine. As long as it was around I was untouched by the mistakes and failures of my life. I did not need to work at anything hard, if I failed (which was a foregone conclusion with a lack of effort) I would just place the blame on that voice and move on. Every aspect of my life has fallen into disarray because I have never really stood up and faced my fears, doubts, insecurities and failures and dealt with them.
But all of this is seen in hindsight, and that is a good thing. If I had realized what I was doing at the time I might have stopped. I would have backed away and kept my little crutch, shield and excuse. Because to be with out it would have meant that I would be responsible for everything. Every fear, every doubt and so on would have been laid at my doorstep and I would have to deal with them, no excuses or "cop outs".
That is not what happened though. I instead made the comment to spite that damn voice. I knew what everyone would do, I am not that stupid. I knew that you would stand up for me. I can only assume that since it was apart of me it knew as well, why it allowed it to happen I don't know. What I did not know was that for a moment all of you did something, you looked at a comment and you created this person, this entity that had written it, to you it was a real person not me. For a fleeting moment that voice had life. It tried to survive, it tried to breath but it had not the capacity to exist on its own. It died. It passed away for it did not really exist.
It is gone and I am all that is left. With this pile of crap that I have placed in its backyard over the last number of years.
This sounds all noble and ominous, but it is far from it. I have to deal with all this shit now. Every stupid thing is mine to deal with. I have to escape and I cannot just push it aside. There is nowhere to push it to.
If I could go back I think I might. If I could change what I did I would. But not because I hurt, offended, or pissed any of you off. I would go back so that I could remain ignorant and comfortable in my stupid little world of immaculate mediocrity.
I am sorry for the trouble. I have talked to a number of those involved and have a number to go. This is the last I intend to post on this subject. If anything else is to be said it will be done in person if at all.
I am not a new person, I am not reborn. I am what I have always been, but I chose not to see it. I take up the mantle (good word, I kind of stole it from Nicky) of who I am.
Who am I? You ask.
I am Matt-man.
No secret identities, no capes and only those powers that anyone of us has. But for each they are different and unique. So I do not fire blasts from my ass or can bench press a battle ship with my eye brows. These are not what make someone super, it is how they live, love and laugh. How they try and bring a light into a dark room and help others. It is a kind word or a simple gesture in a time of need. These are the powers that flow through us all, this is the Force. I call it Matterocity, because it is mine and I choose to make it so.
I will become all the things I dream I will become. Because I choose to. I will face all the fears, doubts, insecurities and failures; look them in the eye and KICK THEIR ASS, with a little help from time to time. I will stand with all those I call friend and in their time of need I will lend a helping hand, even if that means taking a step back and leaving them alone or simply shutting up and listening.
I have survived this ordeal with your help, albeit not the way you would have like to help. I am not sure that I deserve all of you as my friends, but I think that no one ever really deserves what they get in their own mind. It is our friends that tend to see more in us then we see in ourselves, and maybe why friends are friends. I thank all of you for still standing with me, unless you aren't. If you have to walk away then I wish no ill will towards you. I thank you for the time we have had and I will always be willing to help in the memory of that time.
As a dear friend of mine once said (In a role playing session mind you) "There is no time for hate"
Nope there is not. I have way to much to do. Way too many people to try and stay in touch with. I mean really my Christmas card bill is getting out of hand. OH on that note I finally found where I magical put my cards this year. I am an idiot. They were in my car. So once I get some spilled stuff off of them I will make sure that everyone gets theirs.
Okay well that is all that I have to say for now. Again this is the last I will talk of this in this media.
Soon back to "Wacky Space Adventures".
damn Battle Star Galctica!
May the Force be with you all
Excelsior!!!
Wednesday, January 11, 2006
It seems to be a consensus among all of you that this was a joke or gag. It was not. What I did really had nothing to do with you as far as why I did it.
I don't know if any of you can understand what it is like to have this voice in your head. It is loud and never shuts up. It is always there belittling and berating you. Tearing down every thing you try and do. Telling you why you should just go away, shut up and give up on everything. It is there from the moment you wake till you sleep and sometimes it is there as well.
I was tired and it was there saying all those things in the comments, so I just decided to shut it up by getting it out of my head. I never really though about what would come later and the real problem is that it went away for awhile. I thought I had found a way to be rid of it, and then it came back and I did it again. Then the realization hit me that you were all privy to what I had said in its name. I had drawn all of you into this and had given it something it wanted. A way to damage our relationships. No I am not pushing off responsibility I chose to do it, I choose to not look at the long term ramifications, I choose to completely ignore how it would affect all of you. I choose to betray the trust that you had in me. I did this.
It was a stupid thing to do.
As I have said before I don't expect anyone to forgive me ever. I expect to lose friends over this especially one very close one. If it wanted that it has won. And no I don't expect anyone to not hate me because I am crazy with voices in my head. I did this, no matter where it came from I did it.
I am sorry for what it is worth.
Not a whole lot. What is the worth of words from a liar.
I am done
I don't know if any of you can understand what it is like to have this voice in your head. It is loud and never shuts up. It is always there belittling and berating you. Tearing down every thing you try and do. Telling you why you should just go away, shut up and give up on everything. It is there from the moment you wake till you sleep and sometimes it is there as well.
I was tired and it was there saying all those things in the comments, so I just decided to shut it up by getting it out of my head. I never really though about what would come later and the real problem is that it went away for awhile. I thought I had found a way to be rid of it, and then it came back and I did it again. Then the realization hit me that you were all privy to what I had said in its name. I had drawn all of you into this and had given it something it wanted. A way to damage our relationships. No I am not pushing off responsibility I chose to do it, I choose to not look at the long term ramifications, I choose to completely ignore how it would affect all of you. I choose to betray the trust that you had in me. I did this.
It was a stupid thing to do.
As I have said before I don't expect anyone to forgive me ever. I expect to lose friends over this especially one very close one. If it wanted that it has won. And no I don't expect anyone to not hate me because I am crazy with voices in my head. I did this, no matter where it came from I did it.
I am sorry for what it is worth.
Not a whole lot. What is the worth of words from a liar.
I am done
Tuesday, January 10, 2006
to everyone that reads my blog I must apologize.
In the past several weeks there have been two comments of a derogitory nature.
I wrote them.
The reasons are something that will take some time to explain. But they are not important. I have betrayed everyones faith in me. I am not sorry for what I wrote, I meant everything I said to myself. but to have dragged all of you into this with the thought that someone else was attacking me was wrong. To have allowed you to all come to my aid was a ego stroke, one that I do not deserve and is the greater betrayal.
I have no excuses. I am sorry.
Not much else to say right now. I am ashamed of myself for falling so far to do something so manipulitive and deceptive.
I don't ask anyone to forgive me.
I am going to end it there. Not much else I can say.
In the past several weeks there have been two comments of a derogitory nature.
I wrote them.
The reasons are something that will take some time to explain. But they are not important. I have betrayed everyones faith in me. I am not sorry for what I wrote, I meant everything I said to myself. but to have dragged all of you into this with the thought that someone else was attacking me was wrong. To have allowed you to all come to my aid was a ego stroke, one that I do not deserve and is the greater betrayal.
I have no excuses. I am sorry.
Not much else to say right now. I am ashamed of myself for falling so far to do something so manipulitive and deceptive.
I don't ask anyone to forgive me.
I am going to end it there. Not much else I can say.
to everyone that reads my blog I must apologize.
In the past several weeks there have been two comments of a derogitory nature.
I wrote them.
The reasons are something that will take some time to explain. But they are not important. I have betrayed everyones faith in me. I am not sorry for what I wrote, I meant everything I said to myself. but to have dragged all of you into this with the thought that someone else was attacking me was wrong. To have allowed you to all come to my aid was a ego stroke, one that I do not deserve and is the greater betrayal.
I have no excuses. I am sorry.
Not much else to say right now. I am ashamed of myself for falling so far to do something so manipulitive and deceptive.
I don't ask anyone to forgive me.
I am going to end it there. Not much else I can say.
In the past several weeks there have been two comments of a derogitory nature.
I wrote them.
The reasons are something that will take some time to explain. But they are not important. I have betrayed everyones faith in me. I am not sorry for what I wrote, I meant everything I said to myself. but to have dragged all of you into this with the thought that someone else was attacking me was wrong. To have allowed you to all come to my aid was a ego stroke, one that I do not deserve and is the greater betrayal.
I have no excuses. I am sorry.
Not much else to say right now. I am ashamed of myself for falling so far to do something so manipulitive and deceptive.
I don't ask anyone to forgive me.
I am going to end it there. Not much else I can say.
Meanwhile in the Matt-cave.....
Hail and well met
I am still not sure where this crazy idea of Matt-man came from but it is sticking. Maybe all I needed was a mouthy villainous character to play off of.
Oh speaking of that cretin, I know who it is. I have spoken to this person and made it perfectly clear that I don't care about the posts. You should have seen the look on his face when I said "I really don't care, post comments like those all you want. I meant it that if you wanted to do a blog about how much you hate me and I should die you should and could." I even tried to show him how to do it.
Don't get me wrong I really wanted to haul off and punch him, but this was just so much more fun. He was totally disarmed and had no defense against this. HA HA HA It was glorious. In the end he apologized and said that he would leave me alone. That was not good enough for me so I pressed on that if he really wanted to comment he should, you know to get those hostile feelings out in the open and followed it up with a cool handle for his blog, I didn't even acknowledge that he had apologized and said he wouldn't do it anymore. So I don't know if he took it to heart but here is the handle that I made up for him.
MA2-H8R
It is soooooooo cool! I actually want him to use it cause it is soooo cool.
Anyway he apologized again and I could tell he was totally uncomfortable with me being there and all, so I asked him how he was and sat down. Oh believe me I just would not give up. I think I almost drove him to tears, he just kept looking around and rubbing his eyes. Either that or he was allergic to something I was wearing. Maybe it was me? Oh well after close to an hour I left and I am pretty sure that he won't post again. If he does I know where he lives and this time I will bring doughnuts and coffee. HA! Take that MA2-H8r a blast of Matterosoity!
OHHHHH THAT IS THE NAME OF MY POWERS. THE POWERS OF MATTEROSITY!!!!
I really think I am going to like writing up this character. I even have an idea for the costume! Oh I have to make it for Halloween. I can go as Silent Bob to Chris's Jay and then I can transform into Matt-Man! Glorious!!!
I am thinking cape with nothing else..............
NO! NO CAPES!
Just me and my Matt-chizmo! Oh god I am so bad, I'm good.
But seriously I have a costume idea and have decided to test my rusty drawing skills. I will try and scan it and post it once I am done.
So on with my life. I was at Ben's all weekend. Stayed there Saturday night and Sunday night and most of the day Monday. Thanks Ben!
Went to the store on Saturday and tried to role-play, but with Chris sick (I was and still am worried about him) I could not really concentrate on D&D. At the request of Miles I decided to run All Flesh. I should have just run with it and said forget the damn character sheets. But I didn't and it took a long time to make them up. I barely got started when we had to call it, people going home and all. I just wish that for once I could finish this damn adventure for this group, before it gets to damn cliche and I lose it! Maybe I just need to write it all down as a story and see if anyone wants to film it....Todd! We have to talk I think.
Anyway after that we headed off to the loft and I really don't remember what happened...I had something to drink and it affected me just slightly. I am pretty sure that we watched B5 and talked some. I know Ben was there cause he lives there and I know that Nicky was there, but as far as anyone else...I am lost. Anyway I had a good night and from the sound of it so did everyone else.
Sunday was a lazy kind of day, except for going and working out. I went early and put in a full hour and 20, it wasn't to crowded either. Sunday may become a regular day for me if it is that empty. Anyway I finished up and.......I really kind of want to say this but it is kind of awkward...no I won't. I went back to Ben's. He was at work so I went up to the loft and putzed around. I watched Serenity again for the first time since the theater.
DAMN I LOVE THAT SHOW AND THAT MOVIE!
Val showed up and then Todd. We watched Baron Munchausen, then Cassablanca, Nicky showed up during Cassablanca and stayed for Kung Pow:Enter the Fist! After that it was Halo 2 time. It was a blast, even if I suck at it. I got better though.
Anyway it slowed down and I went to bed. Monday was going to be busy.
Oh I forgot....I bought cigarettes. Yeah I know I said that I was giving them up, but things are never as easy as that and I just couldn't stand the stress, or the wiggling of my teeth.
Monday Ben and I worked on the game idea that we have. It came along quite nicely and I feel good that the skeleton is strong and should be able to hold up. We have to playtest it but I don't see too many problems. I do have an idea though. Ben I will simply say this, we don't have a "gimick" yet. I know that we are early in the process, but what do you think of 50's atomic horror as a theme and flavor for the game? Just an idea. We will talk more later.
Anyway after the design session we hung out and then Nicky came over. Halo 2 was soon pumping through our veins. I did better this time, but still have a long ways to go to be a real threat. I miss the keyboard and mouse combo, like at 3D house of games. I really kicked ass on that....or is it me just coloring the past due to all the fun and I still sucked? Yup I sucked then to, why else would I have the moniker "Kenny". Time Splitters, now there is a game that I kicked ass at. MONKEY!!!!!!!
Okay well the weekend came to a close and the countdown has begun. By weeks end people will all be back to school. DAMNIT! I still need to have some conversations.......
Oh well there is still time.
So to all I bid a fond farewell!
May the Force be with you
Excelsior!!!
I am still not sure where this crazy idea of Matt-man came from but it is sticking. Maybe all I needed was a mouthy villainous character to play off of.
Oh speaking of that cretin, I know who it is. I have spoken to this person and made it perfectly clear that I don't care about the posts. You should have seen the look on his face when I said "I really don't care, post comments like those all you want. I meant it that if you wanted to do a blog about how much you hate me and I should die you should and could." I even tried to show him how to do it.
Don't get me wrong I really wanted to haul off and punch him, but this was just so much more fun. He was totally disarmed and had no defense against this. HA HA HA It was glorious. In the end he apologized and said that he would leave me alone. That was not good enough for me so I pressed on that if he really wanted to comment he should, you know to get those hostile feelings out in the open and followed it up with a cool handle for his blog, I didn't even acknowledge that he had apologized and said he wouldn't do it anymore. So I don't know if he took it to heart but here is the handle that I made up for him.
MA2-H8R
It is soooooooo cool! I actually want him to use it cause it is soooo cool.
Anyway he apologized again and I could tell he was totally uncomfortable with me being there and all, so I asked him how he was and sat down. Oh believe me I just would not give up. I think I almost drove him to tears, he just kept looking around and rubbing his eyes. Either that or he was allergic to something I was wearing. Maybe it was me? Oh well after close to an hour I left and I am pretty sure that he won't post again. If he does I know where he lives and this time I will bring doughnuts and coffee. HA! Take that MA2-H8r a blast of Matterosoity!
OHHHHH THAT IS THE NAME OF MY POWERS. THE POWERS OF MATTEROSITY!!!!
I really think I am going to like writing up this character. I even have an idea for the costume! Oh I have to make it for Halloween. I can go as Silent Bob to Chris's Jay and then I can transform into Matt-Man! Glorious!!!
I am thinking cape with nothing else..............
NO! NO CAPES!
Just me and my Matt-chizmo! Oh god I am so bad, I'm good.
But seriously I have a costume idea and have decided to test my rusty drawing skills. I will try and scan it and post it once I am done.
So on with my life. I was at Ben's all weekend. Stayed there Saturday night and Sunday night and most of the day Monday. Thanks Ben!
Went to the store on Saturday and tried to role-play, but with Chris sick (I was and still am worried about him) I could not really concentrate on D&D. At the request of Miles I decided to run All Flesh. I should have just run with it and said forget the damn character sheets. But I didn't and it took a long time to make them up. I barely got started when we had to call it, people going home and all. I just wish that for once I could finish this damn adventure for this group, before it gets to damn cliche and I lose it! Maybe I just need to write it all down as a story and see if anyone wants to film it....Todd! We have to talk I think.
Anyway after that we headed off to the loft and I really don't remember what happened...I had something to drink and it affected me just slightly. I am pretty sure that we watched B5 and talked some. I know Ben was there cause he lives there and I know that Nicky was there, but as far as anyone else...I am lost. Anyway I had a good night and from the sound of it so did everyone else.
Sunday was a lazy kind of day, except for going and working out. I went early and put in a full hour and 20, it wasn't to crowded either. Sunday may become a regular day for me if it is that empty. Anyway I finished up and.......I really kind of want to say this but it is kind of awkward...no I won't. I went back to Ben's. He was at work so I went up to the loft and putzed around. I watched Serenity again for the first time since the theater.
DAMN I LOVE THAT SHOW AND THAT MOVIE!
Val showed up and then Todd. We watched Baron Munchausen, then Cassablanca, Nicky showed up during Cassablanca and stayed for Kung Pow:Enter the Fist! After that it was Halo 2 time. It was a blast, even if I suck at it. I got better though.
Anyway it slowed down and I went to bed. Monday was going to be busy.
Oh I forgot....I bought cigarettes. Yeah I know I said that I was giving them up, but things are never as easy as that and I just couldn't stand the stress, or the wiggling of my teeth.
Monday Ben and I worked on the game idea that we have. It came along quite nicely and I feel good that the skeleton is strong and should be able to hold up. We have to playtest it but I don't see too many problems. I do have an idea though. Ben I will simply say this, we don't have a "gimick" yet. I know that we are early in the process, but what do you think of 50's atomic horror as a theme and flavor for the game? Just an idea. We will talk more later.
Anyway after the design session we hung out and then Nicky came over. Halo 2 was soon pumping through our veins. I did better this time, but still have a long ways to go to be a real threat. I miss the keyboard and mouse combo, like at 3D house of games. I really kicked ass on that....or is it me just coloring the past due to all the fun and I still sucked? Yup I sucked then to, why else would I have the moniker "Kenny". Time Splitters, now there is a game that I kicked ass at. MONKEY!!!!!!!
Okay well the weekend came to a close and the countdown has begun. By weeks end people will all be back to school. DAMNIT! I still need to have some conversations.......
Oh well there is still time.
So to all I bid a fond farewell!
May the Force be with you
Excelsior!!!
Monday, January 09, 2006
Matt-Man Begins
Hail and well met one and all
I am Matt-Man!
What does this have to do with anything? Not one damn thing. Just sounded like a great idea at 3 in the morning.
I have to figure out what kind of powers I have. I also have to come up with some catchy villians to fight.
Well I will sleep on it and try again in the morning.
Oh Yeah one of them uses the term Weedle alot. Like the last title "Weedle me this" Maybe I will just call it the Weedler.
Okay off to bed.
May the Force be with you
Excelsior!!!
I am Matt-Man!
What does this have to do with anything? Not one damn thing. Just sounded like a great idea at 3 in the morning.
I have to figure out what kind of powers I have. I also have to come up with some catchy villians to fight.
Well I will sleep on it and try again in the morning.
Oh Yeah one of them uses the term Weedle alot. Like the last title "Weedle me this" Maybe I will just call it the Weedler.
Okay off to bed.
May the Force be with you
Excelsior!!!
Sunday, January 08, 2006
Weedle me this Matt-man!
Well as most of you will have noticed it appears that our lovely little hater is back. I am going to ignore it and not even waste my time.
I was going to post something...but I have forgotten what it was supposed to be. In no small part because some numbnut decided to ruin my mood with a comment from kindergarden.
Oh yeah been feeling just a little down lately. I know that some of you have noticed and voiced some concern. Thanks but there is not one thing that can be done.
I don't know where it is coming from, only that it is there and even as I try to ignore it, it won't go away.
Of course comments like the one from the peanut gallery don't help.
I know I know it is a load of bullshit and I should not listen to it.
I am just tired and weary that is all.
Nothing is going my way right now, and I fear it may be a trend for the new year.
If it is then ya all better watch out cause I probably blow a fuze.
Well wasted enough time
May the Force be with you
Excelsior!!!
I was going to post something...but I have forgotten what it was supposed to be. In no small part because some numbnut decided to ruin my mood with a comment from kindergarden.
Oh yeah been feeling just a little down lately. I know that some of you have noticed and voiced some concern. Thanks but there is not one thing that can be done.
I don't know where it is coming from, only that it is there and even as I try to ignore it, it won't go away.
Of course comments like the one from the peanut gallery don't help.
I know I know it is a load of bullshit and I should not listen to it.
I am just tired and weary that is all.
Nothing is going my way right now, and I fear it may be a trend for the new year.
If it is then ya all better watch out cause I probably blow a fuze.
Well wasted enough time
May the Force be with you
Excelsior!!!
Thursday, January 05, 2006
Legally Title
Hail and well met
I am wondering why it seems that a reversal of sorts has taken place. In my youth I remember the word "love" being used all the time, in conversations and songs and movies. But these days I am hearing it less and less, and when it is used it seems to be spoken in hushed tones with an air of dirtiness about it. When did "love" become a dirty word?
On the other side of the equation is another four letter word. In my youth this word was all but forbidden. Use of it was shocking and frowned upon. It never ever appeared in titles and rarely in lyrics or lines. Now adays it is everywhere and while it is still not found in titles it is almost a prerequisite for lyrics and movie lines. This word I speak of is "fuck".
Now I am not saying that I don't use it, I do. I am not speaking of censorship either. I am simply saying that it is a strange shift of language that we now find "fuck" almost more acceptable then "love".
Have we decided to adopt a purely sexual and hedonistic way of life and no one told me? Is the act of having sex more important then who it is with? These are the kind of questions that crowd my mind from time to time and more of late.
I have always viewed sex as something that is shared between two people that love (oh that dirty word) each other and wish to share themselves completely, and of course in time to have children (that is what the basic purpose of sex is by the way). I cannot say that I have every really understood this crazy attitude that sex is just sex and should be done whenever with whomever. Maybe it is the ignorance of a virgin speaking but it just doesn't make sense.
I don't look at a woman and immediately concern myself with how I think she might be in bed. Yes I do check them out, it is a natural response in human males. I like the female form, it is one of the most beautiful things in the universe, but it is not the only thing nor the most beautiful. That is reserved for an intangible thing that can take many forms. I speak of "love"(again with that word).
To be honest I had never really understood love very much. I had never felt that way about someone before. I have many friends and I love them but this "love" that I speak of is different. It is something that completely changes your way of thinking and seeing the world. It is a completion of you, on the inside. It makes things make sense that didn't before.
Trust me it is not perfect, it can make things more difficult. Things that made sense now won't, You will find that things that were comfortable before are painful and it can make you crazy. Troubles are par for the course (a golf reference). And there are no guarantees either that the person that you feel for will feel the same for you. I am sure that every psychologist in the world just had their radar pop up. A little screen with a target set on me, saying "Oh goodie anozer vun for ze couch. Zank ze Freud!"
Well put away the stenos boys, cause you I ain't buying.
No I will not try and analyze this feeling away as some latent tension over my need to suck my moms tit, or some such bullshit. It is what it is and no where is it written that everyone will love everyone else in that way. No all we can do when faced with this is to simply accept the fact and meet the other person on their level. If they are willing to be friends then so be it. If they don't want to talk to you at all then walk away. Whatever it is just do it and accept it.
You can want all you want but you had better accept what you can get. Otherwise you end up with nothing at all. And that is spoken from experience.
Love is something that I will hold dear to me. I don't care if it is not stylish or trendy or in. I will hold on to my views of love until I die (probably alone) I just wish that I could find others that felt the same, and that is why this is here.
So I think that I lost my focus but that is not uncommon for me. I tried.
I probably could go on for hours and pages, but I have other things to do.
Woot for working out!
May the Force be with you
Excelsior!!!
I love you all (such a dirty old man)
I am wondering why it seems that a reversal of sorts has taken place. In my youth I remember the word "love" being used all the time, in conversations and songs and movies. But these days I am hearing it less and less, and when it is used it seems to be spoken in hushed tones with an air of dirtiness about it. When did "love" become a dirty word?
On the other side of the equation is another four letter word. In my youth this word was all but forbidden. Use of it was shocking and frowned upon. It never ever appeared in titles and rarely in lyrics or lines. Now adays it is everywhere and while it is still not found in titles it is almost a prerequisite for lyrics and movie lines. This word I speak of is "fuck".
Now I am not saying that I don't use it, I do. I am not speaking of censorship either. I am simply saying that it is a strange shift of language that we now find "fuck" almost more acceptable then "love".
Have we decided to adopt a purely sexual and hedonistic way of life and no one told me? Is the act of having sex more important then who it is with? These are the kind of questions that crowd my mind from time to time and more of late.
I have always viewed sex as something that is shared between two people that love (oh that dirty word) each other and wish to share themselves completely, and of course in time to have children (that is what the basic purpose of sex is by the way). I cannot say that I have every really understood this crazy attitude that sex is just sex and should be done whenever with whomever. Maybe it is the ignorance of a virgin speaking but it just doesn't make sense.
I don't look at a woman and immediately concern myself with how I think she might be in bed. Yes I do check them out, it is a natural response in human males. I like the female form, it is one of the most beautiful things in the universe, but it is not the only thing nor the most beautiful. That is reserved for an intangible thing that can take many forms. I speak of "love"(again with that word).
To be honest I had never really understood love very much. I had never felt that way about someone before. I have many friends and I love them but this "love" that I speak of is different. It is something that completely changes your way of thinking and seeing the world. It is a completion of you, on the inside. It makes things make sense that didn't before.
Trust me it is not perfect, it can make things more difficult. Things that made sense now won't, You will find that things that were comfortable before are painful and it can make you crazy. Troubles are par for the course (a golf reference). And there are no guarantees either that the person that you feel for will feel the same for you. I am sure that every psychologist in the world just had their radar pop up. A little screen with a target set on me, saying "Oh goodie anozer vun for ze couch. Zank ze Freud!"
Well put away the stenos boys, cause you I ain't buying.
No I will not try and analyze this feeling away as some latent tension over my need to suck my moms tit, or some such bullshit. It is what it is and no where is it written that everyone will love everyone else in that way. No all we can do when faced with this is to simply accept the fact and meet the other person on their level. If they are willing to be friends then so be it. If they don't want to talk to you at all then walk away. Whatever it is just do it and accept it.
You can want all you want but you had better accept what you can get. Otherwise you end up with nothing at all. And that is spoken from experience.
Love is something that I will hold dear to me. I don't care if it is not stylish or trendy or in. I will hold on to my views of love until I die (probably alone) I just wish that I could find others that felt the same, and that is why this is here.
So I think that I lost my focus but that is not uncommon for me. I tried.
I probably could go on for hours and pages, but I have other things to do.
Woot for working out!
May the Force be with you
Excelsior!!!
I love you all (such a dirty old man)
Wednesday, January 04, 2006
Finally the Title has come back to the Blog
Can you smell what the Matt is cookin?!
Hal and well met
As I have stated before I made a slight realization on New Years Eve. Well I made a few of them but this is the biggy of the night. The others were of a more personal nature and affect only me so they are not really worth repeating, although I will have to converse with others at some point as they are involved as well. But that is not for this post.
I was feeling rather good Saturday night, mostly because of the booze and the company. As of late I have had little to no reason to feel good. No I am not going to itemize what those reasons are, if you know me then you should know them already and if you don't then ask me outside this media.
The booze really helped me let go and have fun. I lost track of certain aspects of my life for a time and it felt good. Then like a bolt of lightning they nailed me to the ground. I had to walk away or start being stupid and ruining the night for everyone. I started walking, and I hate to say it, I was mad because I felt that I had to find a new path because others had started walking before me and had taken "mine". I know it was the booze that said it because as serious as I was then I have to laugh now, I actually said out loud for no one but me and God to hear "Damnit this was my walking spot first! They have usurped it!".
I will pause for all those that really know what I am talking about to have a chance to laugh and run for the bathroom. For those that don't know just laugh at the dumb inebriated idiocy of the comment in general.
Anyway I started walking a new path, which is ironic as you will figure out later. I walked down the the end of the block and turned right heading down into undiscovered territory. I walked till the sidewalk ended at a gravel driveway into a industrial like location.(I know this sounds like a long walk, but it really was less then two blocks at best) I looked at the end of the sidewalk and then at the gravel area and the grass beyond. It was next to the train tracks so the ditch was a natural barrier against going past the grass, but I wanted to go there so I took a step into the gravel area. I began to pick a path between the pot holes filled with water to reach the grassy area. When I had crossed over and stepped into the grass I went to the edge of the ditch and just stood there.
I know now that the idea was trying to get into my head there. It had given me all the pieces and was waiting and hoping that I would see them and put them together.
I didn't. I turned around and walked back. I continued to retrace my steps and walked around by the loft for awhile. Then on what would be my last pass Nicky and Shanda walked out from the driveway. "So are you contemplating life?" Nicky asked me. "What else is there?" was my STUPID reply. Luckily Shanda dragged Nicky away, or I had a feeling that she would have started walking with me. Not a bad thing, in fact I missed not walking with her on New Years Eve (last year I had a long walk of "self realization" in which Nicky took part. I liked it and we have walked a couple times since) Anyway I kept walking, and a part of me was pissed that she had not joined me so I was getting upset even more. Then I reached a seam in the sidewalk and stopped.
Now I have this habit of pulling lines from movies and songs and having them pop into my head at times for emphasis. This is the quote that popped right then.
"If I take one more step, it'll be the farthest away from home I've ever been." Sam Gamgee played by Sean Astin in LotR: The Fellowship of the Ring
Now this made no sense to me, but they usually don't at first glance. That is why they are used, they make me think. I looked down at this seam and began to think of what this quote could have to do with seams in the sidewalk.
Well the sidewalk is man made. The seams were placed there by someone else, not me.
I was almost stumped when my eyes wandered over and saw the edge of the sidewalk and the grass that lay beyond. It struck me.
One step to the left and there were no seams, no lines. I took a step to the left and stood there looking at my feet. (I am surprised that no one called the cops as I stood there stepping back and forth from the grass to the sidewalk. If they had I know I would have ended up in the tank especially when I tried to explain what I was doing) I must have stepped back and forth a dozen times when the meaning of the quote just popped in my head.
Sam had decided that he had walked the farthest away from home at that moment, no one else could have told him. It was not a specific distance, it was his decision. His measurements told him. His lines decided the distance he had walked, not someone else's.
I have been trying to judge my distance by the lines of others. Using their seams to measure where I am and where I should be. And in the process I have been spreading myself to thin in some areas where I am not supposed to be and getting backed up in others. I have my desires and wants, who doesn't. I just need to stop using other peoples benchmarks to judge how close or far I am from achieving them.
Which is what I was supposed to figure out when I reached that stupid gravel driveway. Cause I had reached the end of the sidewalk and had to step out on my own and forge my path to the grass on the other side, no lines.
Also it is a matter of leaving the safety of the sidewalk, and venturing out where the wild things are. But that is a more personal thing.
Well there it is. No more lines for me. I make my own from now on. I know what I want and screw the rest of the world telling me how to get there and when I can arrive.
Over The Eggshells Lyrics
Artist(Band):Mighty Mighty Bosstones
Album: Pay Attention
I'm over the eggshells I've been walking on
My eggshell walking days are done
I don't give a fuck about the apple cart
I'll upset everyone
Don't tell me on what or where to walk my friend
You once did, but those days are gone
I'm so over the eggshells
The ones that I've been walking on
These are only half the lyrics, but these are the ones that hold the most sway over my mood right now. Oh and the friend mentioned in the song is going to be that loser that posted on my blog, it seems only fitting given the context.
So thanks dumbass!
Yup that is it, well most of it. I still have some personal stuff as I said. Some long conversation's in the not to distant future.
Thanks for visiting and hope you like the post.
May the Force be with you
Excelsior!!!
ASIDE:I have decided to change the way that I title my blog to include quotes, book titles, song titles and lyrics. Just a way to keep things changing and evolving. For those that don't know this quote is from my favorite wrestling star "The Rock". Just felt a bit nostalgic and it fits the occasion. :ASIDE
Hal and well met
As I have stated before I made a slight realization on New Years Eve. Well I made a few of them but this is the biggy of the night. The others were of a more personal nature and affect only me so they are not really worth repeating, although I will have to converse with others at some point as they are involved as well. But that is not for this post.
I was feeling rather good Saturday night, mostly because of the booze and the company. As of late I have had little to no reason to feel good. No I am not going to itemize what those reasons are, if you know me then you should know them already and if you don't then ask me outside this media.
The booze really helped me let go and have fun. I lost track of certain aspects of my life for a time and it felt good. Then like a bolt of lightning they nailed me to the ground. I had to walk away or start being stupid and ruining the night for everyone. I started walking, and I hate to say it, I was mad because I felt that I had to find a new path because others had started walking before me and had taken "mine". I know it was the booze that said it because as serious as I was then I have to laugh now, I actually said out loud for no one but me and God to hear "Damnit this was my walking spot first! They have usurped it!".
I will pause for all those that really know what I am talking about to have a chance to laugh and run for the bathroom. For those that don't know just laugh at the dumb inebriated idiocy of the comment in general.
Anyway I started walking a new path, which is ironic as you will figure out later. I walked down the the end of the block and turned right heading down into undiscovered territory. I walked till the sidewalk ended at a gravel driveway into a industrial like location.(I know this sounds like a long walk, but it really was less then two blocks at best) I looked at the end of the sidewalk and then at the gravel area and the grass beyond. It was next to the train tracks so the ditch was a natural barrier against going past the grass, but I wanted to go there so I took a step into the gravel area. I began to pick a path between the pot holes filled with water to reach the grassy area. When I had crossed over and stepped into the grass I went to the edge of the ditch and just stood there.
I know now that the idea was trying to get into my head there. It had given me all the pieces and was waiting and hoping that I would see them and put them together.
I didn't. I turned around and walked back. I continued to retrace my steps and walked around by the loft for awhile. Then on what would be my last pass Nicky and Shanda walked out from the driveway. "So are you contemplating life?" Nicky asked me. "What else is there?" was my STUPID reply. Luckily Shanda dragged Nicky away, or I had a feeling that she would have started walking with me. Not a bad thing, in fact I missed not walking with her on New Years Eve (last year I had a long walk of "self realization" in which Nicky took part. I liked it and we have walked a couple times since) Anyway I kept walking, and a part of me was pissed that she had not joined me so I was getting upset even more. Then I reached a seam in the sidewalk and stopped.
Now I have this habit of pulling lines from movies and songs and having them pop into my head at times for emphasis. This is the quote that popped right then.
"If I take one more step, it'll be the farthest away from home I've ever been." Sam Gamgee played by Sean Astin in LotR: The Fellowship of the Ring
Now this made no sense to me, but they usually don't at first glance. That is why they are used, they make me think. I looked down at this seam and began to think of what this quote could have to do with seams in the sidewalk.
Well the sidewalk is man made. The seams were placed there by someone else, not me.
I was almost stumped when my eyes wandered over and saw the edge of the sidewalk and the grass that lay beyond. It struck me.
One step to the left and there were no seams, no lines. I took a step to the left and stood there looking at my feet. (I am surprised that no one called the cops as I stood there stepping back and forth from the grass to the sidewalk. If they had I know I would have ended up in the tank especially when I tried to explain what I was doing) I must have stepped back and forth a dozen times when the meaning of the quote just popped in my head.
Sam had decided that he had walked the farthest away from home at that moment, no one else could have told him. It was not a specific distance, it was his decision. His measurements told him. His lines decided the distance he had walked, not someone else's.
I have been trying to judge my distance by the lines of others. Using their seams to measure where I am and where I should be. And in the process I have been spreading myself to thin in some areas where I am not supposed to be and getting backed up in others. I have my desires and wants, who doesn't. I just need to stop using other peoples benchmarks to judge how close or far I am from achieving them.
Which is what I was supposed to figure out when I reached that stupid gravel driveway. Cause I had reached the end of the sidewalk and had to step out on my own and forge my path to the grass on the other side, no lines.
Also it is a matter of leaving the safety of the sidewalk, and venturing out where the wild things are. But that is a more personal thing.
Well there it is. No more lines for me. I make my own from now on. I know what I want and screw the rest of the world telling me how to get there and when I can arrive.
Over The Eggshells Lyrics
Artist(Band):Mighty Mighty Bosstones
Album: Pay Attention
I'm over the eggshells I've been walking on
My eggshell walking days are done
I don't give a fuck about the apple cart
I'll upset everyone
Don't tell me on what or where to walk my friend
You once did, but those days are gone
I'm so over the eggshells
The ones that I've been walking on
These are only half the lyrics, but these are the ones that hold the most sway over my mood right now. Oh and the friend mentioned in the song is going to be that loser that posted on my blog, it seems only fitting given the context.
So thanks dumbass!
Yup that is it, well most of it. I still have some personal stuff as I said. Some long conversation's in the not to distant future.
Thanks for visiting and hope you like the post.
May the Force be with you
Excelsior!!!
Tuesday, January 03, 2006
A Few Good Titles
Hail and well met
I want to shout out a Thank You to all of you who have chimed in on the little blurb that someone decided to post on my blog. It means a lot to me that everyone has jumped to my defense. I mean it when I say that you are all the reasons that I get up every morning and struggle through my day.
For everyone that does not know James (Dnomlas) he is a friend from the old days. We have been brothers from way back and at some point I would love for all of you to meet him. Thanks James for the comment, and trust me you are as good a man as I could ever hope to be.
Chris you are just as much a brother to me as James, albeit just a little younger. You have shown me so much of life that I had missed or shoved away. I only hope that I can measure up to what you see in me. Having you as a friend has been one of the greatest things that the creator in all his grace could have given me. Thanks for being you.
If ever I need to remember that the sky is the limit and nothing is impossible all I have to do is think of you Miles. You have given me back some of the things that I had thought were nothing more then childhood dreams. Not everything from those younger days need be put aside and to have passion for something that may seem childish is not a bad thing. Believe in yourself and the world is yours to command. TRANSFORM AND ROLL OUT!
Tahsa I don't know that I have ever met you, but I thank you for your words of kindness. I see that you are also a resident of Park Forest. Small world isn't it. Feel free to comment anytime and maybe I might just visit your blog and comment there. Thanks again for you generous words, and trust me I know how pathetic this lost soul must be. As far as 2006 goes, well always in motion is the future so who know what is in store, I will just take it one day at a time and hope for the best.
Jess you have been a surprising source of help at times when I felt down. I am glad to know you and am honored to count you among my friends. We share a unique pain that we both know about and I am both relieved and sad that someone else has the same problem. For I now know that I am not alone in this but I would never wish this on anyone else. Thanks for the support and I am always willing to talk, as I know you are as well.
Okay that is all that I have time for. I know that I have this New Years Eve breakthrough to unveil but right now it is just percolating in my cranium. When the time is right I will pour a steaming cup of knowledge and revelation for all to sip from, until then just read the funnies. Besides they are usually more interesting then what I type anyway. (damn that self loathing rears its ugly head again, sorry)
May the Force be with you all
Excelsior!!!
I want to shout out a Thank You to all of you who have chimed in on the little blurb that someone decided to post on my blog. It means a lot to me that everyone has jumped to my defense. I mean it when I say that you are all the reasons that I get up every morning and struggle through my day.
For everyone that does not know James (Dnomlas) he is a friend from the old days. We have been brothers from way back and at some point I would love for all of you to meet him. Thanks James for the comment, and trust me you are as good a man as I could ever hope to be.
Chris you are just as much a brother to me as James, albeit just a little younger. You have shown me so much of life that I had missed or shoved away. I only hope that I can measure up to what you see in me. Having you as a friend has been one of the greatest things that the creator in all his grace could have given me. Thanks for being you.
If ever I need to remember that the sky is the limit and nothing is impossible all I have to do is think of you Miles. You have given me back some of the things that I had thought were nothing more then childhood dreams. Not everything from those younger days need be put aside and to have passion for something that may seem childish is not a bad thing. Believe in yourself and the world is yours to command. TRANSFORM AND ROLL OUT!
Tahsa I don't know that I have ever met you, but I thank you for your words of kindness. I see that you are also a resident of Park Forest. Small world isn't it. Feel free to comment anytime and maybe I might just visit your blog and comment there. Thanks again for you generous words, and trust me I know how pathetic this lost soul must be. As far as 2006 goes, well always in motion is the future so who know what is in store, I will just take it one day at a time and hope for the best.
Jess you have been a surprising source of help at times when I felt down. I am glad to know you and am honored to count you among my friends. We share a unique pain that we both know about and I am both relieved and sad that someone else has the same problem. For I now know that I am not alone in this but I would never wish this on anyone else. Thanks for the support and I am always willing to talk, as I know you are as well.
Okay that is all that I have time for. I know that I have this New Years Eve breakthrough to unveil but right now it is just percolating in my cranium. When the time is right I will pour a steaming cup of knowledge and revelation for all to sip from, until then just read the funnies. Besides they are usually more interesting then what I type anyway. (damn that self loathing rears its ugly head again, sorry)
May the Force be with you all
Excelsior!!!
Monday, January 02, 2006
From Title With Love
Well it seems that someone has decided to post a comment on my blog. No this is not a new thing except that it is Anonymous and it is an attack at me. So for all those that haven't read it I am going to put it here and respond to this person.
Anonymous said...
So you want people to comment? Well here is a comment DUMBASS
SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!!
First off don't tell me to shut up on my own blog. If you don't like it then just erase the damn bookmark and stop reading it. By doing this all you show is your own pathetic need to try and do something to make yourself seem bigger by standing on the shoulders of someone else. It also really makes you out to be infantile and rather stupid, kind of like hating some food but then you keep buying it.
God do you really thing anyone wants to even know you exist?! If they come here it is probably to see how bad their life could be if they were a 36 year old loser.
Well that is usually why people read someone else's blog, to see how they are doing. If they find some solace in the fact that I am less then a stellar person or a pinnacle of society then good for them. I like being able to spur people to be better then they are. You make it sound bad, but if it works then people are better for doing it. Again not the strongest of arguments. Did you even graduate high school? I ask because you seem to have a slight spelling problem. You do know that most programs have a spelling checker, and reading things before you post them can make a huge difference before you embarrass yourself, especically when trying and put someone down. I know that I spell like a gradeschool drop out, but I expect just a bit more from those that chooe to criticize me. Come on man get with the program!
Do everyone a favor and just crawl into a basement somewhere and build your models or something. No one cares about your stupid lazy ass.
For your information I build and paint "miniatures" not models. I have model kits, but never seem to have time for something that I am not going to use in a game. I don't like basements, all cold and damp. I prefer either main floor rooms or second story. Any higher and "my lazy ass" has to work to hard to get up the stairs. Oh and obvioiusly you must on some level, YOUR READING AND COMMENTING ON MY BLOG! and he calls me a dumbass?
God get over yourself and accept that you are a total loser and just shut up about it. All the this emo shit is not going to change that fact at all.
I am not sure why you tell me to get over myself. I already know that I am a loser and try not to talk about it that often any more. In fact as I look at the last few posts I don't see many if any references to my condition as a loser. As far as changing the fact, well we all can change.
Oh and after reading some back posts let me just say to whomever it is that he supposedly loves. RUN AWAY FROM THIS CREEP. Just leave him behind and move on. Nothing too see except a wasted life and the loser that blew it.
Don't worry your little head or penis about it (of course the "penis" comment is figurative since I don't know if this is a male or female commenter). And by the way I don't appreciate the term "CREEP" I prefer "WEIRDO" or "WACKO". I would not even mind "PERVERT" as a term to describe me. But "CREEP" is just a little off the mark.
So yeah just shut up and go away. Face it nobody really likes you...
It is called PITY THE LOSER!
Well then I guess I am the most pitied man in the world, cause I have no end to the number of people that apparently "PITY" me. I wonder if that is the problem? Do you feel that I have to many friends and you lack in that area? Is this personality envy? Well if you want more I can tell you that posting this way is far from a stellar way to prove your compatibility. Unless you can find others that are willing to join your little rant party. In which case knock your sox off. In fact if you get a little club going feel free to make a website and then send me the URL. I will gladly post it on my blog and I will visit regularly. Hell I will even be willing to make appearances to allow all your little hater friends try and tear me down.
Remember this little mind. I survived by being better at tearing myself down then anyone else. There is nothing you can come up with that can compare to what I have said or done to myself. I mean it. If you want to give it a try then let me know and I will show up anywhere. Just you and me in a put down challenge with the only difference being that they will all be about me.
Oh and one last thing. Call me a loser? I am not the one wasting my time running off to other peoples blogs and making comments anonymously and then running home to hide in the closet. I put myself out here and if you want to tear at me the feel free, just have the same guts that I have by being here and put you name on the comment.
L
Now this single letter L is either a reference to the classic hand gesture that signifies "loser" where you take your pointer finger and thumb and place it to your forehead. Or it could be a cute attempt to leave me a clue as to your identity. I will look into it.
Oh and Mikey thanks for the comment, but don't sweat it. I kind of like the idea of a heckler. It is like having a pet that is not potty trained yet and just leaves its shit all over to be picked up.
Did the widdle biddy guy make a poopie? Yes he did! *spoken in a dialect of baby talk*
As you can all read I am all torn up over this pathetic attempt to harass me. Don't know who it is and in fact
I REALLY DON'T CARE
Yup nothing it said really makes any impact at all, well there is one thing, but I won't give it the satisfaction of knowing what it was. No all in all it has only spewed out things that I have always known about myself. No big revelations or the such.
So don't get all mad or nothing. If you want to comment back feel free, I am sure that I can have loads of fun reading the verbal sparring. Nothing more though, it is not worth it.
Well that takes up the space I was going to use for the cool thing that I figured out on New Years Eve. So that one will have to wait for later. GRRRRRRRRRRR *growls showing teeth and shaking fist
Trust me I am fine.
May the Force be with you
Excelsior!!!
Anonymous said...
So you want people to comment? Well here is a comment DUMBASS
SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!!
First off don't tell me to shut up on my own blog. If you don't like it then just erase the damn bookmark and stop reading it. By doing this all you show is your own pathetic need to try and do something to make yourself seem bigger by standing on the shoulders of someone else. It also really makes you out to be infantile and rather stupid, kind of like hating some food but then you keep buying it.
God do you really thing anyone wants to even know you exist?! If they come here it is probably to see how bad their life could be if they were a 36 year old loser.
Well that is usually why people read someone else's blog, to see how they are doing. If they find some solace in the fact that I am less then a stellar person or a pinnacle of society then good for them. I like being able to spur people to be better then they are. You make it sound bad, but if it works then people are better for doing it. Again not the strongest of arguments. Did you even graduate high school? I ask because you seem to have a slight spelling problem. You do know that most programs have a spelling checker, and reading things before you post them can make a huge difference before you embarrass yourself, especically when trying and put someone down. I know that I spell like a gradeschool drop out, but I expect just a bit more from those that chooe to criticize me. Come on man get with the program!
Do everyone a favor and just crawl into a basement somewhere and build your models or something. No one cares about your stupid lazy ass.
For your information I build and paint "miniatures" not models. I have model kits, but never seem to have time for something that I am not going to use in a game. I don't like basements, all cold and damp. I prefer either main floor rooms or second story. Any higher and "my lazy ass" has to work to hard to get up the stairs. Oh and obvioiusly you must on some level, YOUR READING AND COMMENTING ON MY BLOG! and he calls me a dumbass?
God get over yourself and accept that you are a total loser and just shut up about it. All the this emo shit is not going to change that fact at all.
I am not sure why you tell me to get over myself. I already know that I am a loser and try not to talk about it that often any more. In fact as I look at the last few posts I don't see many if any references to my condition as a loser. As far as changing the fact, well we all can change.
Oh and after reading some back posts let me just say to whomever it is that he supposedly loves. RUN AWAY FROM THIS CREEP. Just leave him behind and move on. Nothing too see except a wasted life and the loser that blew it.
Don't worry your little head or penis about it (of course the "penis" comment is figurative since I don't know if this is a male or female commenter). And by the way I don't appreciate the term "CREEP" I prefer "WEIRDO" or "WACKO". I would not even mind "PERVERT" as a term to describe me. But "CREEP" is just a little off the mark.
So yeah just shut up and go away. Face it nobody really likes you...
It is called PITY THE LOSER!
Well then I guess I am the most pitied man in the world, cause I have no end to the number of people that apparently "PITY" me. I wonder if that is the problem? Do you feel that I have to many friends and you lack in that area? Is this personality envy? Well if you want more I can tell you that posting this way is far from a stellar way to prove your compatibility. Unless you can find others that are willing to join your little rant party. In which case knock your sox off. In fact if you get a little club going feel free to make a website and then send me the URL. I will gladly post it on my blog and I will visit regularly. Hell I will even be willing to make appearances to allow all your little hater friends try and tear me down.
Remember this little mind. I survived by being better at tearing myself down then anyone else. There is nothing you can come up with that can compare to what I have said or done to myself. I mean it. If you want to give it a try then let me know and I will show up anywhere. Just you and me in a put down challenge with the only difference being that they will all be about me.
Oh and one last thing. Call me a loser? I am not the one wasting my time running off to other peoples blogs and making comments anonymously and then running home to hide in the closet. I put myself out here and if you want to tear at me the feel free, just have the same guts that I have by being here and put you name on the comment.
L
Now this single letter L is either a reference to the classic hand gesture that signifies "loser" where you take your pointer finger and thumb and place it to your forehead. Or it could be a cute attempt to leave me a clue as to your identity. I will look into it.
Oh and Mikey thanks for the comment, but don't sweat it. I kind of like the idea of a heckler. It is like having a pet that is not potty trained yet and just leaves its shit all over to be picked up.
Did the widdle biddy guy make a poopie? Yes he did! *spoken in a dialect of baby talk*
As you can all read I am all torn up over this pathetic attempt to harass me. Don't know who it is and in fact
I REALLY DON'T CARE
Yup nothing it said really makes any impact at all, well there is one thing, but I won't give it the satisfaction of knowing what it was. No all in all it has only spewed out things that I have always known about myself. No big revelations or the such.
So don't get all mad or nothing. If you want to comment back feel free, I am sure that I can have loads of fun reading the verbal sparring. Nothing more though, it is not worth it.
Well that takes up the space I was going to use for the cool thing that I figured out on New Years Eve. So that one will have to wait for later. GRRRRRRRRRRR *growls showing teeth and shaking fist
Trust me I am fine.
May the Force be with you
Excelsior!!!
You Might As Face It Your Addicted To Blog
Hail and well met
Okay I know that this post breaks from my usual theme of late. The whole movie title with the word "Title" worked into it, but it fit so well that I had to use it.
I have come to realize that I Blog way to fucking much. Good or bad? Don't know. I am here usually once a day, more if I decide to draft something. Oh I know that there are days that I don't post and for that I am grateful. I like posting things but I want to make sure that I am not living in this little box instead of being out there actually living.
The truth is that I like this. I like sharing my thoughts and feelings in a sort of anonymous environment. Oh yes you know who I am, but as of late I have noticed that no one ever really brings up what is said here, even if I want them to. Well except for Mikey (Thanks Mikey for that). I try and read everyone's blog or journal everyday, I try and comment (Hello are you there and listening, I said comment! Hint Hint) on what is said. Sometimes I have bursts of inspiration and sometimes I don't. More don'ts lately then do's though.*heavy sigh and shakes head*
I just wanted to say that. Kind of hit me and I felt strange for a second but I got over it.
Hope everyone is having a good second day of 2006 and is enjoying the Winter-een-mas season!
I am not sure but I am thinking of doing something for Winter-een-mas. Have to consider the possibilities and options.
I will finish talking about New Years Eve later. See I am going to post again today!
May the Force be with you all
Excelsior!!!
Okay I know that this post breaks from my usual theme of late. The whole movie title with the word "Title" worked into it, but it fit so well that I had to use it.
I have come to realize that I Blog way to fucking much. Good or bad? Don't know. I am here usually once a day, more if I decide to draft something. Oh I know that there are days that I don't post and for that I am grateful. I like posting things but I want to make sure that I am not living in this little box instead of being out there actually living.
The truth is that I like this. I like sharing my thoughts and feelings in a sort of anonymous environment. Oh yes you know who I am, but as of late I have noticed that no one ever really brings up what is said here, even if I want them to. Well except for Mikey (Thanks Mikey for that). I try and read everyone's blog or journal everyday, I try and comment (Hello are you there and listening, I said comment! Hint Hint) on what is said. Sometimes I have bursts of inspiration and sometimes I don't. More don'ts lately then do's though.*heavy sigh and shakes head*
I just wanted to say that. Kind of hit me and I felt strange for a second but I got over it.
Hope everyone is having a good second day of 2006 and is enjoying the Winter-een-mas season!
I am not sure but I am thinking of doing something for Winter-een-mas. Have to consider the possibilities and options.
I will finish talking about New Years Eve later. See I am going to post again today!
May the Force be with you all
Excelsior!!!
Sunday, January 01, 2006
All Clear Title
Hail and well met one and all
It is a good feeling to be able to post something from one of these parties that is amazing and has not a shred of crap attached to it. So here is a slight play by play on the evening.
I got there around 5:30-6:00 and promptly got the fire going. Miles and Kristin were there along with Neal, whom had cleaned the loft quite nicely. Thanks Neal!
TJ was the first to arrive in all his usual pomt and circumstance. Six pack of Killians under his arm.
Chris arrived and the burgers got started (about here is where time went out the window as far as keeping track of what happened when)
I went on a run for Beer, for Chris cause all we had was the hard stuff. What? Ben and I weren't messing around with that low Proof shit, we wanted to get tore up!
While I was gone Val and Todd showed up. After I got back Sara and Shep showed up.
As the burgers were being swiched out Scott Beamer and Sherman showed up. Somewhere in here Ben got home and the steaks were then tossed on the barbie (THANKS BEN IT WAS AWESOME!)
After I finished my steak I threw the last of the burgers on the grill and prepared to tie one on. I had said that as long as there was fire and cooking I would not drink. Being the boring safe guy that I am. (oops just a little self loathing there, Sorry)
Anyway Jess was there as well and she was "having a good time" (No I don't mean that way either you sickos) I am glad that she came, she got to have a night out with the "Group".
So I went up stairs and had a burger and grabed my Bacardi 151 (amazing stuff) dropped about three shots (or what ever cause I just poured it in the glass until I felt happy with it) then topped it off with Faygo Cola. It was pretty good if I do say myself. Nicky, Shanda and Holly showed up to everyone's suprise and joy (well most of is that is, Curse you Queen Margarita!) I know that I was very glad to see that smile walk in the door. We got them set up with stuff and then they started playing some games. I finished my First and made a second rum and cola, Hmmmmmmmm RUM! Anyway Ben came out and started up the X-box and some multiplayer was going on. I got envolved in some Egyptian Rat Screw, this crazy card gave that I still don't think I got (of course with that much alcohol in me what should I expect). It was fun and I got to slap some hands, pretty hard. Well mostly it was the floor.
Anyway we finished one more game of ERS and then went outside for smoke break.
Now this is where I begin to have some trouble remembering what actually happened and when. I mean I can recall most of the evening but somethings are deffinately missing or out of order.
Well the long and short of it is that Ben brought out this liquor with a German Name. Yeah I am so experienced when it comes to alcohol. Anyway it tasted like liccorish and then he added Coke to it. OMFG it was damn good. And it kicked my ass. Yup that was pretty much the last thing I drank that evening, of the alcoholic variety.
We stayed up till 4ish and then adjoured too the house for bed.
Well this is a long post and it is just a recap. So I will save the revelations and next day for another time.
I had a blast, it was the most kick ass party of the year.
THANKS EVERYONE FOR BEING THERE.
NICKY, SHANDA AND HOLLY IT WAS AMAZINGLY PHENOMENAL TO SEE ALL OF YOU!!
And best of all it also marked the begining of the Winter-een-mas season!!!!
Woot
May the Force be with you all
Excelsior!!!
It is a good feeling to be able to post something from one of these parties that is amazing and has not a shred of crap attached to it. So here is a slight play by play on the evening.
I got there around 5:30-6:00 and promptly got the fire going. Miles and Kristin were there along with Neal, whom had cleaned the loft quite nicely. Thanks Neal!
TJ was the first to arrive in all his usual pomt and circumstance. Six pack of Killians under his arm.
Chris arrived and the burgers got started (about here is where time went out the window as far as keeping track of what happened when)
I went on a run for Beer, for Chris cause all we had was the hard stuff. What? Ben and I weren't messing around with that low Proof shit, we wanted to get tore up!
While I was gone Val and Todd showed up. After I got back Sara and Shep showed up.
As the burgers were being swiched out Scott Beamer and Sherman showed up. Somewhere in here Ben got home and the steaks were then tossed on the barbie (THANKS BEN IT WAS AWESOME!)
After I finished my steak I threw the last of the burgers on the grill and prepared to tie one on. I had said that as long as there was fire and cooking I would not drink. Being the boring safe guy that I am. (oops just a little self loathing there, Sorry)
Anyway Jess was there as well and she was "having a good time" (No I don't mean that way either you sickos) I am glad that she came, she got to have a night out with the "Group".
So I went up stairs and had a burger and grabed my Bacardi 151 (amazing stuff) dropped about three shots (or what ever cause I just poured it in the glass until I felt happy with it) then topped it off with Faygo Cola. It was pretty good if I do say myself. Nicky, Shanda and Holly showed up to everyone's suprise and joy (well most of is that is, Curse you Queen Margarita!) I know that I was very glad to see that smile walk in the door. We got them set up with stuff and then they started playing some games. I finished my First and made a second rum and cola, Hmmmmmmmm RUM! Anyway Ben came out and started up the X-box and some multiplayer was going on. I got envolved in some Egyptian Rat Screw, this crazy card gave that I still don't think I got (of course with that much alcohol in me what should I expect). It was fun and I got to slap some hands, pretty hard. Well mostly it was the floor.
Anyway we finished one more game of ERS and then went outside for smoke break.
Now this is where I begin to have some trouble remembering what actually happened and when. I mean I can recall most of the evening but somethings are deffinately missing or out of order.
Well the long and short of it is that Ben brought out this liquor with a German Name. Yeah I am so experienced when it comes to alcohol. Anyway it tasted like liccorish and then he added Coke to it. OMFG it was damn good. And it kicked my ass. Yup that was pretty much the last thing I drank that evening, of the alcoholic variety.
We stayed up till 4ish and then adjoured too the house for bed.
Well this is a long post and it is just a recap. So I will save the revelations and next day for another time.
I had a blast, it was the most kick ass party of the year.
THANKS EVERYONE FOR BEING THERE.
NICKY, SHANDA AND HOLLY IT WAS AMAZINGLY PHENOMENAL TO SEE ALL OF YOU!!
And best of all it also marked the begining of the Winter-een-mas season!!!!
Woot
May the Force be with you all
Excelsior!!!
Saturday, December 31, 2005
This is a title of the emergency blogcast system
Okay I am almost ready to head out to the loft for the geatest party that I have ever been to.
Not saying much as I have not been to that many, but I have high hopes.
The real reason for this post is to alert everyone that I am not planning on posting until monday at the earliest. Anything that is posted between now and then after this post could be the insane rambelings of a drunk EMO person that needs a good boot to the head.
Just a warning, read at your own risk. I have never really been drunk so I have no idea how I am going to react to it. Just know that if I post between now and monday aside from this one it could be dangerous. Like making your eyes bleed and foam spurtting from you mouth kind of stuff.
Anyway I am off to the loft and I will see everyone soon
NEW YEARS EVE IS GONNA ROCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ALL HAIL THE ARRIVAL OF
WINTER-EEN-MAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
May the Force be with you
Excelsior!!!
Not saying much as I have not been to that many, but I have high hopes.
The real reason for this post is to alert everyone that I am not planning on posting until monday at the earliest. Anything that is posted between now and then after this post could be the insane rambelings of a drunk EMO person that needs a good boot to the head.
Just a warning, read at your own risk. I have never really been drunk so I have no idea how I am going to react to it. Just know that if I post between now and monday aside from this one it could be dangerous. Like making your eyes bleed and foam spurtting from you mouth kind of stuff.
Anyway I am off to the loft and I will see everyone soon
NEW YEARS EVE IS GONNA ROCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ALL HAIL THE ARRIVAL OF
WINTER-EEN-MAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
May the Force be with you
Excelsior!!!
The Passion of the Title
I have posted many things on this blog and other journals. One thing that I have never touched on was my personal beliefs.
Do I believe in a God? Yes I do. There is no way the universe just happened by accident. No everything is to perfect to be by happenstance. Someone has to be behind it all. The simplicity is to symetrical to be anything but divine intellect. I won't go into details it would take a thousand pages of this and many other blogs. Besides this is what I believe, and that requires little proof just faith.
Do I believe in a Devil? A strange question too ask. There are some people that run around saying yes and some saying no. Personaly I say yes. But to be truthfull there is something about that that is different then the rest. I believe in a devil, but he is not the opposite of God. He is not even close to being equal to God. He is a stupid spoiled brat. He had power once and it was taken away from him. Now all he can do is try and twist us into using the power that God gave us to his needs. To steal, kill and destroy, that is all the power that the bible says that he has. He seeks to steal out power, kill us and destroy everything God created. But what power is it that we all have that he wants?
The power of creation. It exists in all of us. The divine power to see what is not there and make it real. Immagination is one aspect of that power. In the long history of the bible the devil has never created anything at all. No where is he shown to have made anything, no he just lies and decieves others to do his dirty work. He is a coward and a wretch. Fear is one of his greatest tools, as is anger. He gets us so wrapped up in our fear of everything that we will do anything to be free of it and he is jhonny on the spot to tell us what we have to do. Things that might sound good, but all they end up being are veiled deceptions that cause us more grief and thus we need more of his help. No in the end he has only the power to lie to us to accomplish his goals.
This is why I have taken such an interest in the gaming world. I see it as one of the only avenues that hopes to expand the immagination and cultivate creativity. I will stand by this belief until the day that I am expunged from existance.
Now I bet some of you are wondering how all this fits into my "Jedi" walk. Well it ain't that hard to explain.
God created us all. Having created somethings in my day I can tell you that part of me is in everything that I create, thus a part of God is within all that he created. In me and you and this computer and the trees outside as well as the air and the rain that is falling. The Force is described as existing in all things, binding us together and growing from us. Well as God exists in us and we use our power to create new things we are adding to his existance in a way, thus he is growing like the Force. When I say "May the Force be with you" I am also saying "May God be with you". But I find that the "Force" is often taken with more acceptance then saying "God". I don't blame anyone for this, except those stupid fanatics that feel the need to destroy and kill everyone and everything that does not fit their view of what holy or God is. When God sent his only begotten son here he sent us a pattern to look at and emulate. Jesus walked this earth and he did so as one of us. So as I looked at his life I saw that he gathered a throng of close FRIENDS to his side for companions. No he did not go to the "Bible" scholars, in fact he tore down the two biggest doctrines thruout his life. So I figure that if he wanted a one on one relationship will us that indicates that God was saying that it all comes down to a one on one with him. Jesus was not noted for praying in church, no he seemed to be in constant contact with his Father at all times. He did not need a man to tell him what his Father was saying or doing, he had a direct line. If had it so can we. This is also part of why I follow the path of the "Jedi" for the Force guides them. Thus I am open to the "Force/God" guiding me everyday. Somedays are easier then others, more difficult lately but that is my fault.
I am not perfect nor do I expect anyone to understand this at all. I just want to put here what is in my heart. Take it or leave it. If part of it makes sense the take it, whatever doesn't you leave. The bible has a verse that speaks "We see through a glass but darkly". So we all see something of what God intended, but we all don't see the same spot. If we share our spots with others then we begin to put pieces together and the spot gets bigger. Like a puzzle though, not all the pieces fit together right away and it can be confusing.
But faith is not about being easy, it is about believing is something that is not easy and sticking to it.
Well that is all for now. I will post more later. I have to get to bed now and prepare for the party of the year....
Woot NEW YEARS EVE AT BENS!!!!!!
and
LET WINTER-EEN-MAS BEGIN!!!!!!!!!!
May the Force be with you
Excelsior!!!
Do I believe in a God? Yes I do. There is no way the universe just happened by accident. No everything is to perfect to be by happenstance. Someone has to be behind it all. The simplicity is to symetrical to be anything but divine intellect. I won't go into details it would take a thousand pages of this and many other blogs. Besides this is what I believe, and that requires little proof just faith.
Do I believe in a Devil? A strange question too ask. There are some people that run around saying yes and some saying no. Personaly I say yes. But to be truthfull there is something about that that is different then the rest. I believe in a devil, but he is not the opposite of God. He is not even close to being equal to God. He is a stupid spoiled brat. He had power once and it was taken away from him. Now all he can do is try and twist us into using the power that God gave us to his needs. To steal, kill and destroy, that is all the power that the bible says that he has. He seeks to steal out power, kill us and destroy everything God created. But what power is it that we all have that he wants?
The power of creation. It exists in all of us. The divine power to see what is not there and make it real. Immagination is one aspect of that power. In the long history of the bible the devil has never created anything at all. No where is he shown to have made anything, no he just lies and decieves others to do his dirty work. He is a coward and a wretch. Fear is one of his greatest tools, as is anger. He gets us so wrapped up in our fear of everything that we will do anything to be free of it and he is jhonny on the spot to tell us what we have to do. Things that might sound good, but all they end up being are veiled deceptions that cause us more grief and thus we need more of his help. No in the end he has only the power to lie to us to accomplish his goals.
This is why I have taken such an interest in the gaming world. I see it as one of the only avenues that hopes to expand the immagination and cultivate creativity. I will stand by this belief until the day that I am expunged from existance.
Now I bet some of you are wondering how all this fits into my "Jedi" walk. Well it ain't that hard to explain.
God created us all. Having created somethings in my day I can tell you that part of me is in everything that I create, thus a part of God is within all that he created. In me and you and this computer and the trees outside as well as the air and the rain that is falling. The Force is described as existing in all things, binding us together and growing from us. Well as God exists in us and we use our power to create new things we are adding to his existance in a way, thus he is growing like the Force. When I say "May the Force be with you" I am also saying "May God be with you". But I find that the "Force" is often taken with more acceptance then saying "God". I don't blame anyone for this, except those stupid fanatics that feel the need to destroy and kill everyone and everything that does not fit their view of what holy or God is. When God sent his only begotten son here he sent us a pattern to look at and emulate. Jesus walked this earth and he did so as one of us. So as I looked at his life I saw that he gathered a throng of close FRIENDS to his side for companions. No he did not go to the "Bible" scholars, in fact he tore down the two biggest doctrines thruout his life. So I figure that if he wanted a one on one relationship will us that indicates that God was saying that it all comes down to a one on one with him. Jesus was not noted for praying in church, no he seemed to be in constant contact with his Father at all times. He did not need a man to tell him what his Father was saying or doing, he had a direct line. If had it so can we. This is also part of why I follow the path of the "Jedi" for the Force guides them. Thus I am open to the "Force/God" guiding me everyday. Somedays are easier then others, more difficult lately but that is my fault.
I am not perfect nor do I expect anyone to understand this at all. I just want to put here what is in my heart. Take it or leave it. If part of it makes sense the take it, whatever doesn't you leave. The bible has a verse that speaks "We see through a glass but darkly". So we all see something of what God intended, but we all don't see the same spot. If we share our spots with others then we begin to put pieces together and the spot gets bigger. Like a puzzle though, not all the pieces fit together right away and it can be confusing.
But faith is not about being easy, it is about believing is something that is not easy and sticking to it.
Well that is all for now. I will post more later. I have to get to bed now and prepare for the party of the year....
Woot NEW YEARS EVE AT BENS!!!!!!
and
LET WINTER-EEN-MAS BEGIN!!!!!!!!!!
May the Force be with you
Excelsior!!!
Thursday, December 29, 2005
El Title
Well here I sit.
I am fighting off a would be bout of flu. I will win cause I always do.
Went out and saw Joe today (sorry Nicky). Not much happened with me feeling shitty and all. We talked a bit with Scott and Kirbus (his brothers) and one of their friends Lyle.
Oh Joe showed me a game he got for Christmas. Stubbs the Zombie: Rebel without a pulse. It was a blast. It takes place in the "City of the Future" Punchbowl Pennsylvania. You are a traveling salesman turned zombie out to conquer the city. The creator of Puchbowl Andrew Monday doesn't like this one bit and throws his army of police and security at you along with some help from local militia and robots. Not overly graphic but still a zombie feel. Yes you eat brains. You can use powers like the "Fart Bomb" which incapacitates you foes for a short while allowing you to munch some membranes. The "Stomach grenade" is best used against large groups of the living. The "Hand Toss" allows you to detach you hand and send it off to find a human and then you crawl up to their head and take control of them. Lastly you can roll your head like a bowling ball and have it explode.
It was a blast. The music was period with some inserts of newer songs. The dance off against the chief of Police was hilarious. Yes I said dance off.
It reminded me of a game that I was playing at my friend Jim's called "Destroy All Humans" where you play a alien trying to take over the earth. Same 50's atomic horror feel.
After that we sat around again and chatted. Then Joe and Kirbus jumped into my van and I drove them to their cousin Randy's for some Castles and Crusades. It was good to see a true hardcore gamer like Randy again. He had games stashed all over and was showing off his wife's new 40K army. Most of which was put together with bits and pieces of toys that he had acquired.
I was starting to feel the affects of only 4 hours of bad sleep and this damn bug, so I made my farewells and took off.
So now that the recap of the day section is over I guess it is time for the more thoughtful section of this post.
I am not depressed. Down maybe but not depressed.
I know that I have a plan, it is just being forced to wait and wait to start making it happen. Now I could try and push this forward, but from past experience that will end in failure. All things in their appointed time and season.
I will just have to keep the shoulder to the grind stone and cope. Besides I have loads of friends to spend time with not to mention the projects that I have to work on for Ben and the guys at Harsh Realities.
Yes things that I want are not within reach but I need to focus on what I have and not what I lack. I keep saying this but until now I don't know that I understood it. I have to deal with the now, the future will attend to itself.
So all in all I am feeling better, aside from the throbbing in my head and stuff leaking from my nose. I hope that all are finding some peace in their stormy seas.
I will see everyone Saturday for the ..................
PARTY OF THE YEAR!!!!!!
and
THE BEGINNING OF WINTER-EEN-MAS!!!!!!!!!
AMAZING!!!!!!
May the Force be with you all
Excelsior!!!
I am fighting off a would be bout of flu. I will win cause I always do.
Went out and saw Joe today (sorry Nicky). Not much happened with me feeling shitty and all. We talked a bit with Scott and Kirbus (his brothers) and one of their friends Lyle.
Oh Joe showed me a game he got for Christmas. Stubbs the Zombie: Rebel without a pulse. It was a blast. It takes place in the "City of the Future" Punchbowl Pennsylvania. You are a traveling salesman turned zombie out to conquer the city. The creator of Puchbowl Andrew Monday doesn't like this one bit and throws his army of police and security at you along with some help from local militia and robots. Not overly graphic but still a zombie feel. Yes you eat brains. You can use powers like the "Fart Bomb" which incapacitates you foes for a short while allowing you to munch some membranes. The "Stomach grenade" is best used against large groups of the living. The "Hand Toss" allows you to detach you hand and send it off to find a human and then you crawl up to their head and take control of them. Lastly you can roll your head like a bowling ball and have it explode.
It was a blast. The music was period with some inserts of newer songs. The dance off against the chief of Police was hilarious. Yes I said dance off.
It reminded me of a game that I was playing at my friend Jim's called "Destroy All Humans" where you play a alien trying to take over the earth. Same 50's atomic horror feel.
After that we sat around again and chatted. Then Joe and Kirbus jumped into my van and I drove them to their cousin Randy's for some Castles and Crusades. It was good to see a true hardcore gamer like Randy again. He had games stashed all over and was showing off his wife's new 40K army. Most of which was put together with bits and pieces of toys that he had acquired.
I was starting to feel the affects of only 4 hours of bad sleep and this damn bug, so I made my farewells and took off.
So now that the recap of the day section is over I guess it is time for the more thoughtful section of this post.
I am not depressed. Down maybe but not depressed.
I know that I have a plan, it is just being forced to wait and wait to start making it happen. Now I could try and push this forward, but from past experience that will end in failure. All things in their appointed time and season.
I will just have to keep the shoulder to the grind stone and cope. Besides I have loads of friends to spend time with not to mention the projects that I have to work on for Ben and the guys at Harsh Realities.
Yes things that I want are not within reach but I need to focus on what I have and not what I lack. I keep saying this but until now I don't know that I understood it. I have to deal with the now, the future will attend to itself.
So all in all I am feeling better, aside from the throbbing in my head and stuff leaking from my nose. I hope that all are finding some peace in their stormy seas.
I will see everyone Saturday for the ..................
PARTY OF THE YEAR!!!!!!
and
THE BEGINNING OF WINTER-EEN-MAS!!!!!!!!!
AMAZING!!!!!!
May the Force be with you all
Excelsior!!!
No Title
Darkness comes and oblivion calls
You wander down its cold dead halls
Look to your left and then to your right
Demons and wraiths lurk just out of sight
With daggers and dirks poison tipped for the kill
And to add flavor when from your blood they drink their fill
Run all you like, seek every escape
But in the end your soul they will rape
Claws sink deep and blades brutally slice
Never you thought this would be the price
You only sought happiness and a special love
But a raven you find instead of a dove
Call to the light for help and salvation
Your throat is dried up and your limbs are weak from starvation
Once there were many who spoke friendly words to you
Now you are alone in the world you never knew
So as they finish defiling your body and soul
They leave with a laugh and you learn their true role
For it is masks they all ware and now they come off
And those you call friends jeer and they scoff
Why do you lie there all wracked with pain?
Aren't you bettter then this or are you insane?
As the words strike harder than any blow could
The damage is deeper then any will know but they should
And somewhere inside a small part of you died
And how you wished that right then you could've cried
For how could they do this? What could they have thought?
How could they justify the horror they rought?
No answers to questions will ever be found
They have all left without hearing making a sound
Confused and broken you lay on the floor
And in darkness you pass as your friends close the door
~FIN~
It is 7:30 in the morning and I have not been to sleep. Feeling crappy, but I refuse to be sick. This just started pouring from my finger tips so here it is.
Whatever
You wander down its cold dead halls
Look to your left and then to your right
Demons and wraiths lurk just out of sight
With daggers and dirks poison tipped for the kill
And to add flavor when from your blood they drink their fill
Run all you like, seek every escape
But in the end your soul they will rape
Claws sink deep and blades brutally slice
Never you thought this would be the price
You only sought happiness and a special love
But a raven you find instead of a dove
Call to the light for help and salvation
Your throat is dried up and your limbs are weak from starvation
Once there were many who spoke friendly words to you
Now you are alone in the world you never knew
So as they finish defiling your body and soul
They leave with a laugh and you learn their true role
For it is masks they all ware and now they come off
And those you call friends jeer and they scoff
Why do you lie there all wracked with pain?
Aren't you bettter then this or are you insane?
As the words strike harder than any blow could
The damage is deeper then any will know but they should
And somewhere inside a small part of you died
And how you wished that right then you could've cried
For how could they do this? What could they have thought?
How could they justify the horror they rought?
No answers to questions will ever be found
They have all left without hearing making a sound
Confused and broken you lay on the floor
And in darkness you pass as your friends close the door
~FIN~
It is 7:30 in the morning and I have not been to sleep. Feeling crappy, but I refuse to be sick. This just started pouring from my finger tips so here it is.
Whatever
Wednesday, December 28, 2005
Altered Titles
So I haven't posted in a while. Hmmmm oh yeah that is right I was fighting a new bout of depression. Well that has passed like a sack of white castles and I have flushed it down the toilet.
Besides I know where it comes from anyway. Within me. Inside there is this sick and twisted version of myself that wants me to be depressed. Cause when I get depressed I look inward. Alwasy with the self analysis and thinking and shit. I have a new axiom.
The inward turned eye sees nothing but self.
I have decided to turn my eye outward. Not that easy but it can be done.
I do have a number of people that I need to apoligize to for being a real ass too for the last couple of days....shit like a week now. I will speak to all of you in turn, and if you want to tell me to take a leap feel free.
In reality I must admit that I don't know who I am right now. And Mikey if you comment with my name I am going to poke you so hard. I do not know where I am going. I have no clue what is going on in my life. And for all that, things that should weigh on my shoulders like a mountain I have just one thing to say.
I DON'T CARE ANYMORE!
If I die tomorrow then I die. If I live forever then I live. I don't care anymore. If I feel pain I feel pain. If I am numb then I am numb.
What does it matter? What great scheme of the celestial host pivots on my life?
It doesn't and there isn't one. I am as insignificant as the rest of the world. So to be blunt.
FUCK IT!
All I can do is just live my life.
I know that it will probably be alone, which is the one thing that still bothers me. ALOT! But yet again I must think logically. Does it matter if I am alone? Does it matter if my life is hollow, empty and with out meaning?
NOPE!
So here I am. No different then everyone else. Lost and alone and without hope. Empty and hollow with a vast plain streaching out before me filled with opprotunities that have no meaning. I should be depressed but for some reason I am not. So be it.
I will see everyone this weekend at the party. I will warn everyone now I plan on getting torn up. Sloshed and flat out drunk. If I offend anyone..... sorry it is my first time so be tolerant.
Well that is about all that I care to post about. If it is a downer for everyone then tough, that is life get used to it. Anyone that says differently is selling something.
May the Force be with you
Excelsior!!!
Besides I know where it comes from anyway. Within me. Inside there is this sick and twisted version of myself that wants me to be depressed. Cause when I get depressed I look inward. Alwasy with the self analysis and thinking and shit. I have a new axiom.
The inward turned eye sees nothing but self.
I have decided to turn my eye outward. Not that easy but it can be done.
I do have a number of people that I need to apoligize to for being a real ass too for the last couple of days....shit like a week now. I will speak to all of you in turn, and if you want to tell me to take a leap feel free.
In reality I must admit that I don't know who I am right now. And Mikey if you comment with my name I am going to poke you so hard. I do not know where I am going. I have no clue what is going on in my life. And for all that, things that should weigh on my shoulders like a mountain I have just one thing to say.
I DON'T CARE ANYMORE!
If I die tomorrow then I die. If I live forever then I live. I don't care anymore. If I feel pain I feel pain. If I am numb then I am numb.
What does it matter? What great scheme of the celestial host pivots on my life?
It doesn't and there isn't one. I am as insignificant as the rest of the world. So to be blunt.
FUCK IT!
All I can do is just live my life.
I know that it will probably be alone, which is the one thing that still bothers me. ALOT! But yet again I must think logically. Does it matter if I am alone? Does it matter if my life is hollow, empty and with out meaning?
NOPE!
So here I am. No different then everyone else. Lost and alone and without hope. Empty and hollow with a vast plain streaching out before me filled with opprotunities that have no meaning. I should be depressed but for some reason I am not. So be it.
I will see everyone this weekend at the party. I will warn everyone now I plan on getting torn up. Sloshed and flat out drunk. If I offend anyone..... sorry it is my first time so be tolerant.
Well that is about all that I care to post about. If it is a downer for everyone then tough, that is life get used to it. Anyone that says differently is selling something.
May the Force be with you
Excelsior!!!
Sunday, December 25, 2005
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
OMG!!!!!!!!!
I GOT FIREFLY THE COMPLETE SERIES!!!!!!!!!
I am touching it right now!!!!!! The feeling is moving up my arms.
A feeling of enbeleviable jo..................
*POP* head flies off Matt's shoulders
I GOT FIREFLY THE COMPLETE SERIES!!!!!!!!!
I am touching it right now!!!!!! The feeling is moving up my arms.
A feeling of enbeleviable jo..................
*POP* head flies off Matt's shoulders
A Christmas Title
Hail and well met
OH NO It is a YULE Tide!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYBODY!!!
I have not posted in a few days, but given the season that should not be a big deal.
It just means that I have a lot to post about. Like I need an excuse to blather on about stuff? :)
The Christmas Party at Ben's was AMAZING!!!!!
Everyone was almost there. Even Tadduclese showed up with his main squeeze. Hay that ryhmed! Everyone had a good time, well almost everyone. But that is not important and I am not going to focus on that part. I got cookies and there was fudge!
GO QUEEN MARGARITA!!!!! evil little sniker
It was a great time and I was happy to see everyone.
OH YEAH Nick was there!!!!! It was beyond cool to see him again.
The sexual inuendoes were flying fast and free. I loved them all (Alright! Giggidy Giggidy)
It was an amazing evening and I am glad that I was there.
Hmmmm Oh yeah I got the Foamy DVD from Ben, haven't watched it yet cause it is stilll at the loft, but I will soon! Thanks Ben!
Okay I am being summoned to present opening so I must away with myself.
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL!!!!
And no matter what I get I already have the greatest present that I could recieve. Your friendships. Sappy but so damn true.
May the Force be with you
Excelsior!!!
OH NO It is a YULE Tide!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYBODY!!!
I have not posted in a few days, but given the season that should not be a big deal.
It just means that I have a lot to post about. Like I need an excuse to blather on about stuff? :)
The Christmas Party at Ben's was AMAZING!!!!!
Everyone was almost there. Even Tadduclese showed up with his main squeeze. Hay that ryhmed! Everyone had a good time, well almost everyone. But that is not important and I am not going to focus on that part. I got cookies and there was fudge!
GO QUEEN MARGARITA!!!!! evil little sniker
It was a great time and I was happy to see everyone.
OH YEAH Nick was there!!!!! It was beyond cool to see him again.
The sexual inuendoes were flying fast and free. I loved them all (Alright! Giggidy Giggidy)
It was an amazing evening and I am glad that I was there.
Hmmmm Oh yeah I got the Foamy DVD from Ben, haven't watched it yet cause it is stilll at the loft, but I will soon! Thanks Ben!
Okay I am being summoned to present opening so I must away with myself.
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL!!!!
And no matter what I get I already have the greatest present that I could recieve. Your friendships. Sappy but so damn true.
May the Force be with you
Excelsior!!!
Thursday, December 22, 2005
Title Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Title
Well I know what I said eariler. But this is good.
Saw Love Actually. Really good movie. Real good firends.
Real good time.
But all good things come to an end.
So there it is.
Watch the movie.
Later
Saw Love Actually. Really good movie. Real good firends.
Real good time.
But all good things come to an end.
So there it is.
Watch the movie.
Later
The Title always rings twice
The Doorman
Standing at the theater in the city of life
With this playbill from the show
I know that I am in it
But what is going on I just don’t know
The streets are all empty
Did I miss the start?
Oh my God is it all over?
Will I never play my part?
Now where did I go wrong?
How did I miss the signs?
I have studied for this part
And rehearsed a thousand times
I wanted to be in it
It was all I ever wanted to
And now it has passed
I don’t know what to do
A new age now has dawned
The plays are rearranged
The stories stay the same
But the parts have all changed
Yet still I stand here at the door
And to all I say hello
The actors all know me
But back stage I can never go
I tell them of the old days
The plays that used to show
They grin and laugh and listen
Why they call me friend I will never know
They slap my back and tell me
That I can do it all again
I can play a new part
But it cannot be with them
I don’t want a one-man show
With others is how I work
And when I try and tell them
They all leave and call me a jerk
So this is all I am left with
To want but never do
So enjoy your show sir
Can I get the door for you?
I have always been the doorman
My dreams are all untrue
I never had a part to play
That is the lie I live through
Not a good time. I am not in a good place. This just about wraps up everything I am feeling.
Sorry for the downer. Probably just seasonal depression or something else stupid. Could go see ashrink and get some meds, but alcohol is just fine. And it is cheaper.
I am leaving it at that.
Standing at the theater in the city of life
With this playbill from the show
I know that I am in it
But what is going on I just don’t know
The streets are all empty
Did I miss the start?
Oh my God is it all over?
Will I never play my part?
Now where did I go wrong?
How did I miss the signs?
I have studied for this part
And rehearsed a thousand times
I wanted to be in it
It was all I ever wanted to
And now it has passed
I don’t know what to do
A new age now has dawned
The plays are rearranged
The stories stay the same
But the parts have all changed
Yet still I stand here at the door
And to all I say hello
The actors all know me
But back stage I can never go
I tell them of the old days
The plays that used to show
They grin and laugh and listen
Why they call me friend I will never know
They slap my back and tell me
That I can do it all again
I can play a new part
But it cannot be with them
I don’t want a one-man show
With others is how I work
And when I try and tell them
They all leave and call me a jerk
So this is all I am left with
To want but never do
So enjoy your show sir
Can I get the door for you?
I have always been the doorman
My dreams are all untrue
I never had a part to play
That is the lie I live through
Not a good time. I am not in a good place. This just about wraps up everything I am feeling.
Sorry for the downer. Probably just seasonal depression or something else stupid. Could go see ashrink and get some meds, but alcohol is just fine. And it is cheaper.
I am leaving it at that.
The End of Titles
Yeah
I am not my right mind. It could be the season or something else but all that I do know is that I am not a good person to be around. Due to this and that I refuse to turn this blog into a garbage pail for the crap in my head. I don't want to dump this on anyone else cause I know thta more then half of it is mindless crap. The other half may mean something, but it sure is not something you all want to deal with. So with that I have decided to declare a hiatus to posting until I get over this case of self endulgent bullshiting.
It shouldn't last long. I may try and just post little snippets when I have a moment of clairity.
May the Force be with you
Excelsior!!!
Oh and have a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!
I am not my right mind. It could be the season or something else but all that I do know is that I am not a good person to be around. Due to this and that I refuse to turn this blog into a garbage pail for the crap in my head. I don't want to dump this on anyone else cause I know thta more then half of it is mindless crap. The other half may mean something, but it sure is not something you all want to deal with. So with that I have decided to declare a hiatus to posting until I get over this case of self endulgent bullshiting.
It shouldn't last long. I may try and just post little snippets when I have a moment of clairity.
May the Force be with you
Excelsior!!!
Oh and have a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!
Tuesday, December 20, 2005
Title of the Gods
Hail and well met
I sit here this cold December morn wondering what to type about. I do have some things to share but I am not sure that I am ready to drop these bomb shells just yet. It is a big one and thus there will be fallout. Not ready to deal with it just yet. Maybe after the new year rolls in I will do it.
So I am still left without a subject for this post. Not much has happened to me lately. Well nothing worth typing about. And some of it would be inappropriate, -low tone- stupid dreams.
Well I guess that leaves me with a crappy post that really says nothing. GREAT! No wait I have an idea. There was something that I saw on someone's journal that I can put here. -rummages around- Hold on while I find it.
-rummaging continues-
-CRASH-
Ow! How put that there?!
-more rummaging and moving of objects-
Eureka I have it!!!
So here is a little ditty that Miles had on his journal and so I do my duty here (NO I DON'T MEAN POOP)
In 2005 Have You…
Gone to a party?: Yeah the loft at New Years
Tried something new?: Yes I have, believing in my self (soundsconceitedd but I never did before)
Had someone change your life? : Yes and it just keeps on coming
Kissed someone?: NO, a mistake I intend to rectify!
Told your family & friends you love them?: Yes many times, but never enough
Bought something extravagant?: Ummmm no not really. Need money to do that
Done something nice for yourself?: That seems kind of like a personal question...Oh wait it says "for" not "to"! My mistake. Yeah I went to GenCon
Done something terribly wrong?: Don't I always? Its me!
Moved?: NO! Another mistake I intend to rectify
Gone to a concert?: DAMN IT! NO! I have a lot of shit to rectify don't I.
The Best of 2005…
Party: Aw come on, New Years eve. Although there are some to come that might jusout shinene it
TV Show: My name is Earl!
Cd: Crimson - Alkaline Trio
Movie: NO WAY I am not picking one movie to rule them all. Sorry. Here is my list of my top three in order of how I saw them.
1) Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith
2) Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe
3) King Kong
Song:Okay I waffled on the Movie so I will buck up and pick a single song. Wake me when September Ends - Green Day
Experience: Um didn't have one. At least not yet;)
Concert: See above!>:(
Book: I, Jedi - Michael A. Stackpole (Thanks Nicky!)
Month: Ha a month. November
Day: Saturday November 19th
During 2005…
Where were you when it began?: The Loft walking around in the cold
Did you stay up?: Duh!
What was your new year wish?: To be rid of this armor of flesh that I have worn for too long.
Have any crushes?: Yeah
Care to mention names?: No!
New friends?: Yes Ben Rodgers, Scott Harshberger, Mike Renneker, some people from carbondale I think I can call friends (acquaintances at least) and some people from Monmouth as well.
Had to say goodbye?: Um Yes. For the first time. It hurt but there is no pain, only growth
Missed anyone?: Yes
Win anything?: Not yet
Best place you went to?: Uh well GenCon was cool but the best place has to be E-con. It was there that I met Ben Rodgers and also got to see one of my favorite people in the universe as well as several runners up.
Worst place you went to?: Inside myself
Happiest moment?: Talking to someone that I thought I had lost
How was your birthday?: What is a birthday?
Best present?: LAPTOP! Thanks all of you.
Hopes for 2006…
Predict something that you believe will happen: I will move on and up in my life, and I won't be alone!
What do you hope for yourself?: Tha t I fulfilll my desire to be a part of the Gaming Industry
What do you hope for your family?: That they can move on with their lives instead of sitting in neutral
What do you hope for your friends?: That they can find that which they seek, and that what they need is what they find.
Well there you have it. If you have any questions you know how to get a hold of me.
If I don't post before the party Friday the I will see you all there.
May the Force be with you
Excelsior!!!
I sit here this cold December morn wondering what to type about. I do have some things to share but I am not sure that I am ready to drop these bomb shells just yet. It is a big one and thus there will be fallout. Not ready to deal with it just yet. Maybe after the new year rolls in I will do it.
So I am still left without a subject for this post. Not much has happened to me lately. Well nothing worth typing about. And some of it would be inappropriate, -low tone- stupid dreams.
Well I guess that leaves me with a crappy post that really says nothing. GREAT! No wait I have an idea. There was something that I saw on someone's journal that I can put here. -rummages around- Hold on while I find it.
-rummaging continues-
-CRASH-
Ow! How put that there?!
-more rummaging and moving of objects-
Eureka I have it!!!
So here is a little ditty that Miles had on his journal and so I do my duty here (NO I DON'T MEAN POOP)
In 2005 Have You…
Gone to a party?: Yeah the loft at New Years
Tried something new?: Yes I have, believing in my self (soundsconceitedd but I never did before)
Had someone change your life? : Yes and it just keeps on coming
Kissed someone?: NO, a mistake I intend to rectify!
Told your family & friends you love them?: Yes many times, but never enough
Bought something extravagant?: Ummmm no not really. Need money to do that
Done something nice for yourself?: That seems kind of like a personal question...Oh wait it says "for" not "to"! My mistake. Yeah I went to GenCon
Done something terribly wrong?: Don't I always? Its me!
Moved?: NO! Another mistake I intend to rectify
Gone to a concert?: DAMN IT! NO! I have a lot of shit to rectify don't I.
The Best of 2005…
Party: Aw come on, New Years eve. Although there are some to come that might jusout shinene it
TV Show: My name is Earl!
Cd: Crimson - Alkaline Trio
Movie: NO WAY I am not picking one movie to rule them all. Sorry. Here is my list of my top three in order of how I saw them.
1) Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith
2) Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe
3) King Kong
Song:Okay I waffled on the Movie so I will buck up and pick a single song. Wake me when September Ends - Green Day
Experience: Um didn't have one. At least not yet;)
Concert: See above!>:(
Book: I, Jedi - Michael A. Stackpole (Thanks Nicky!)
Month: Ha a month. November
Day: Saturday November 19th
During 2005…
Where were you when it began?: The Loft walking around in the cold
Did you stay up?: Duh!
What was your new year wish?: To be rid of this armor of flesh that I have worn for too long.
Have any crushes?: Yeah
Care to mention names?: No!
New friends?: Yes Ben Rodgers, Scott Harshberger, Mike Renneker, some people from carbondale I think I can call friends (acquaintances at least) and some people from Monmouth as well.
Had to say goodbye?: Um Yes. For the first time. It hurt but there is no pain, only growth
Missed anyone?: Yes
Win anything?: Not yet
Best place you went to?: Uh well GenCon was cool but the best place has to be E-con. It was there that I met Ben Rodgers and also got to see one of my favorite people in the universe as well as several runners up.
Worst place you went to?: Inside myself
Happiest moment?: Talking to someone that I thought I had lost
How was your birthday?: What is a birthday?
Best present?: LAPTOP! Thanks all of you.
Hopes for 2006…
Predict something that you believe will happen: I will move on and up in my life, and I won't be alone!
What do you hope for yourself?: Tha t I fulfilll my desire to be a part of the Gaming Industry
What do you hope for your family?: That they can move on with their lives instead of sitting in neutral
What do you hope for your friends?: That they can find that which they seek, and that what they need is what they find.
Well there you have it. If you have any questions you know how to get a hold of me.
If I don't post before the party Friday the I will see you all there.
May the Force be with you
Excelsior!!!
Monday, December 19, 2005
King Title
Yeah I really had to work to think that one up.
I just got back from seeing the new King Kong.
I am amazed. Not like I was after Narina but still amazed. It was a really good movie. Harryhausen would be pleased. It was a better story, and it made me cry. Not easy for the man with a heart of stone. Seeing the big guy so well defined and detailed was awesome. Andy Sirkus should get an Oscar for this as well. He really got the movements of a gorilla down. At times I really thought it was a real gorilla.
Two things that got to me though. One was the length. I am a fan of long films, the LoTR trilogy were fine at the lengths they were. I own the extended additions and they are fine as well. But Kong could have been tightened by a good 20 minutes and it might just have been a little stronger of a film. Just some scenes that they played out too much. Still worth seeing in my opinion and I still did not notice the time.
The second were the BUGS. I understand for dramatic purposes they needed bad thingies for the good guys to kill, but they did not need to make huge bugs. Least of all that huge. I am not really bothered by bugs that much, but big ones do bother me. In great number they get under my skin. These were to perfect, they looked real and thus I did not need to see them. Only in two scenes really but that was more then I needed. I know that I am whining like a mule, but this is my blog so deal with it.
I am tired now and so I must bid all good night. Tomorrow I plan on posting again.
Until then.
May the Force be with you
Excelsior!!!
I just got back from seeing the new King Kong.
I am amazed. Not like I was after Narina but still amazed. It was a really good movie. Harryhausen would be pleased. It was a better story, and it made me cry. Not easy for the man with a heart of stone. Seeing the big guy so well defined and detailed was awesome. Andy Sirkus should get an Oscar for this as well. He really got the movements of a gorilla down. At times I really thought it was a real gorilla.
Two things that got to me though. One was the length. I am a fan of long films, the LoTR trilogy were fine at the lengths they were. I own the extended additions and they are fine as well. But Kong could have been tightened by a good 20 minutes and it might just have been a little stronger of a film. Just some scenes that they played out too much. Still worth seeing in my opinion and I still did not notice the time.
The second were the BUGS. I understand for dramatic purposes they needed bad thingies for the good guys to kill, but they did not need to make huge bugs. Least of all that huge. I am not really bothered by bugs that much, but big ones do bother me. In great number they get under my skin. These were to perfect, they looked real and thus I did not need to see them. Only in two scenes really but that was more then I needed. I know that I am whining like a mule, but this is my blog so deal with it.
I am tired now and so I must bid all good night. Tomorrow I plan on posting again.
Until then.
May the Force be with you
Excelsior!!!
Sunday, December 18, 2005
Title in Translation
Hail and well met
Hope that all is well during this holiday season. Just got back from shopping with some friends down in Bourbonois. It was crazy. I am still amazed at the feeding frenzy that has become of this holiday. Of course I picked up stuff for people, not much but I did find some things.
Well I just finished jumping around a few other friends blogs and found this. It was fun and interesting, but nothing more. So here it is have fun.
Well there it is. I should mention that this is the second result since the site had a problem and even when I tried to match my colors I know that some were different. Anyway it was kind of fun and entertaining.
Not much else to speak of right now. Maybe later. Who knows.
May the Force be with you
Excelsior!!!
Hope that all is well during this holiday season. Just got back from shopping with some friends down in Bourbonois. It was crazy. I am still amazed at the feeding frenzy that has become of this holiday. Of course I picked up stuff for people, not much but I did find some things.
Well I just finished jumping around a few other friends blogs and found this. It was fun and interesting, but nothing more. So here it is have fun.
 | Matt took the free ColorQuiz.com personality test! "Has an imperative need for some bond or fusion wit..."
|
Well there it is. I should mention that this is the second result since the site had a problem and even when I tried to match my colors I know that some were different. Anyway it was kind of fun and entertaining.
Not much else to speak of right now. Maybe later. Who knows.
May the Force be with you
Excelsior!!!
Friday, December 16, 2005
The Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Title
I did not want to wander from my new standard of a movie title with the word "Title" in it so I picked a movie that best fit the mood of my post. If I was to title this one in the old fashion it would have been this.
Cold silence of being utterly alone
It sounds like some of my old posts, but it is not. Last night I was at the loft and left around 12:30. As I was walking to my car I was thinking of many things, some good and some bad. As I entered the street I stopped and realized that it was quiet. No not just quiet but still. The silence wrapped around me like a thick blanket, but it was still cold. In fact as I stood there the cold seemed to deepen and penetrate me to my core. I looked down the street and the light from the street lamps and passing cars seemed hollow and gave no comfort. As I stood there I knew that I was utterly alone.
From there I find myself sitting here typing. I don't know what to make of it. I don't plan on thinking much about it. It just struck me. That moment when everything seemed to focus on that one point. In some ways I look at it as a moment of perfect beauty. The surrounding all coming together and complimenting each other. The purity of the feeling. It was a perfect moment and for some strange reason I am glad to have felt it.
Just one moment. Nothing more or less. No life changing events or trends. Nothing beyond that moment.
A perfect moment.
I don't know what else to say. So I will shut up and be done with it.
Oh hey if you want some good reading on RPG theroy and design hit this sight.
http://www.indie-rpgs.com/articles/
Read the articles entitled "System does matter" and "GNS and Other Matters of Role-Playing Theroy" by Ron Edwards. They are good reading, a little heavy at times but the information is sound and thought provoking.
I am out of here for now. Plan on working out later and hoping that something is going on later.
May the Force be with you
Excelsior!!!
Cold silence of being utterly alone
It sounds like some of my old posts, but it is not. Last night I was at the loft and left around 12:30. As I was walking to my car I was thinking of many things, some good and some bad. As I entered the street I stopped and realized that it was quiet. No not just quiet but still. The silence wrapped around me like a thick blanket, but it was still cold. In fact as I stood there the cold seemed to deepen and penetrate me to my core. I looked down the street and the light from the street lamps and passing cars seemed hollow and gave no comfort. As I stood there I knew that I was utterly alone.
From there I find myself sitting here typing. I don't know what to make of it. I don't plan on thinking much about it. It just struck me. That moment when everything seemed to focus on that one point. In some ways I look at it as a moment of perfect beauty. The surrounding all coming together and complimenting each other. The purity of the feeling. It was a perfect moment and for some strange reason I am glad to have felt it.
Just one moment. Nothing more or less. No life changing events or trends. Nothing beyond that moment.
A perfect moment.
I don't know what else to say. So I will shut up and be done with it.
Oh hey if you want some good reading on RPG theroy and design hit this sight.
http://www.indie-rpgs.com/articles/
Read the articles entitled "System does matter" and "GNS and Other Matters of Role-Playing Theroy" by Ron Edwards. They are good reading, a little heavy at times but the information is sound and thought provoking.
I am out of here for now. Plan on working out later and hoping that something is going on later.
May the Force be with you
Excelsior!!!
Wednesday, December 14, 2005
Garbage Title Kids
Wow it has been just a little while since I really posted.
Well here is an overview of what is going on. I went and worked out with Chris and Val on Tuesday. It was amazing! Thanks guys for going in it with me. I really know that I would not push as far if I was on my own. We have to talk just a little more though. Either that or I am bringing my CD player and listen to music. But I would prefer to shoot the shit with you guys. Oh Chris we need to talk about all that stuff that you mentioned, you know making a schedule and workout plan and all. Dude if you know about all this stuff then please enlighten us novices.
After working out I went down to Bourbonois to see my other friends down there. We watched the remake of Bad News Bears with Billy Bob Thornton. It rocked! I was leary that it might be as raunchy as Bad Santa, but it was alright.
Today I ran around with my Dad getting him a card for Bally's and then did some light Christmas shopping. Mostly DVD's for mom and family. Tomorrow I need to hit Borders for some books and one other store for one more present then I am done. I have blown my budget and had to sneak some of my Christmas money to pull it off but damnit I like giving people stuff. I am selfish when it comes to being generous. Sue me.
Well then I met up with Jim and we worked out again. I am crazy but it feels good so I keep doing it. I went 25 minutes on a ski machine. OH MY GOD! If I though that walking or riding was a workout I was mistaken. This thing was insane. You stand on two floating pads and then start a walking motion, but there is not ground. You just keep going around and around. Then you grab the handles and that is even more crazy. They are attached to the pads so as you walk they go back and forth. You have to use your arms to stabilize the motion or you just keep going faster and faster. So you are in a running like motion with your arms working back and forth to keep everything under control. I was sweating worse then I ever did on the Dread mill or a bike. The great thing is that my knee, which had been bothering me just a little and was getting worse, started hurting and then quit. It felt better after about 10 minutes. I walked better after the workout too. All in all I will be using those things all the time. Woot! Not to mention that I went over 2 miles (although I have no idea how it calculates the distance, since it was monitoring RPMs and not MPH). Did some weights after that and then went to Jim's house.
Well that brings us up to date on things that have happened. Now on to what should be happening soon. Jim had some good news for me on the job front. The bitch is out, most likely by Friday of this week, but possibly a few days later. Apparently she got into it with the shop steward and pissed him off enough with her shit that he made a couple of calls. Well that is the end of that. So as soon as she is gone and the original supervisor is back I am in like Flynn (can some one explain that one two me. Who is this Flynn character and why is he in things? I wonder about these things)
So with that and the impending arrival of several people back from school and up coming parties I have a very full schedule. I am looking forward to seeing everyone. This is going to rock.
Well that is all my arms can stand as far as typing is concerned. I have to jump on WOW now. Love to all and see you soon.
OH YEAH don't forget the work going on at the loft this weekend. All hands would be appreciated.
May the Force be with you
Excelsior!!!
Well here is an overview of what is going on. I went and worked out with Chris and Val on Tuesday. It was amazing! Thanks guys for going in it with me. I really know that I would not push as far if I was on my own. We have to talk just a little more though. Either that or I am bringing my CD player and listen to music. But I would prefer to shoot the shit with you guys. Oh Chris we need to talk about all that stuff that you mentioned, you know making a schedule and workout plan and all. Dude if you know about all this stuff then please enlighten us novices.
After working out I went down to Bourbonois to see my other friends down there. We watched the remake of Bad News Bears with Billy Bob Thornton. It rocked! I was leary that it might be as raunchy as Bad Santa, but it was alright.
Today I ran around with my Dad getting him a card for Bally's and then did some light Christmas shopping. Mostly DVD's for mom and family. Tomorrow I need to hit Borders for some books and one other store for one more present then I am done. I have blown my budget and had to sneak some of my Christmas money to pull it off but damnit I like giving people stuff. I am selfish when it comes to being generous. Sue me.
Well then I met up with Jim and we worked out again. I am crazy but it feels good so I keep doing it. I went 25 minutes on a ski machine. OH MY GOD! If I though that walking or riding was a workout I was mistaken. This thing was insane. You stand on two floating pads and then start a walking motion, but there is not ground. You just keep going around and around. Then you grab the handles and that is even more crazy. They are attached to the pads so as you walk they go back and forth. You have to use your arms to stabilize the motion or you just keep going faster and faster. So you are in a running like motion with your arms working back and forth to keep everything under control. I was sweating worse then I ever did on the Dread mill or a bike. The great thing is that my knee, which had been bothering me just a little and was getting worse, started hurting and then quit. It felt better after about 10 minutes. I walked better after the workout too. All in all I will be using those things all the time. Woot! Not to mention that I went over 2 miles (although I have no idea how it calculates the distance, since it was monitoring RPMs and not MPH). Did some weights after that and then went to Jim's house.
Well that brings us up to date on things that have happened. Now on to what should be happening soon. Jim had some good news for me on the job front. The bitch is out, most likely by Friday of this week, but possibly a few days later. Apparently she got into it with the shop steward and pissed him off enough with her shit that he made a couple of calls. Well that is the end of that. So as soon as she is gone and the original supervisor is back I am in like Flynn (can some one explain that one two me. Who is this Flynn character and why is he in things? I wonder about these things)
So with that and the impending arrival of several people back from school and up coming parties I have a very full schedule. I am looking forward to seeing everyone. This is going to rock.
Well that is all my arms can stand as far as typing is concerned. I have to jump on WOW now. Love to all and see you soon.
OH YEAH don't forget the work going on at the loft this weekend. All hands would be appreciated.
May the Force be with you
Excelsior!!!
Monday, December 12, 2005
40 Titles and 40 Questions
1) Was 2005 a good year for you? Some was good, some was bad, All in all it was good though.
2) What was your favorite moment of the year? Oh God I have to pick one?! Well it would be the day that I heard from someone that had walked away.
3) What was your least favorite moment of the year? Losing hope in something special
4) Where were you when 2005 began? At the Loft. Freezing my ass off (and that is saying something)
5) Who were you with? Nicky, Sara, Todd, Chris, Miles, Ben, Amy, Nick and his wife. I think there were more but I forgot them.
6) Where will you be when 2005 ends? Not entirely sure, I plan to be at Ben's but always in motion is the future.
7) Who will you be with when 2005 ends? This is easy- Good Friends
8) Did you keep your new years resolution of 2005? I don't remember wh....No wait yes I do and it is a work in progress, so yes
9) Do you have a new years resolution for 2006? Not yet I prefer the spur of the moment
10) Did you fall in love in 2005? Already was and kept falling
11) If so who? Not going to say here. I don't fall and tell
12) If yes, do they know? Yes, but I don't think she understands it.
14) You regret it? No I am glad she knows.
15) Did you breakup with anyone in 2005? You mean in a romantic way so no
16) Did you make any new friends in 2005? Yes it is my only talent
17) Who are your favorite friends? This is a stupid question. All of them!
18) What was your favorite month of 2005? Hmmm since all time is now I don't know that I can discern one from another. November Yes November
19) Did you travel outside of the US in 2005? Nope
20) How many different states did you travel to in 2005? Four Indiana, Michigan, Missouri and no wait only three, I live in Illinois. I forget sometimes.
21) Did you lose anybody close to you in 2005? I assume that you mean did they die. No and I am lucky for it. Besides this mortal coil is only a form that we wear. We just transcend the body and become one with the Force so we are always with each other, just not in a physical sense.
22) Did you miss anybody in the past year? Hell yes!
23) What was your favorite movie that you saw in 2005? Well before today I would have said Star Wars Episode 3: Revenge of the Sith, but now it has to be The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe! Aslan rules!
24) What was your favorite song from 2005? Hmmm that is a tough one. Not a big music buff and I got a lot of new stuff this year, let me think. I will have to give you a small list of my top 4
1) Boulevard of Broken Dreams - Green Day
2) Photograph - Nickelback
3) Mercy Me - Alkaline Trio
4) Wake up when September Ends - Green Day
25) What was your favorite record from 2005? Crimson - Alkaline Trio (Thanks Nicky!!!!!)
26) How many concerts did you see in 2005? Not a one. No money
27) Did you have a favorite concert in 2005? Uh well I didn't go to any so no
28) did you drink a lot of alcohol in 2005? No but I wanted too really bad
29) did you do a lot of drugs in 2005? No.
30) How many people did you kiss in 2005? ZERO and it sucked.
31) How many people did you sleep with in 2005? ZERO and again it sucked (And I am not referring to having sex either, just once I would like to awaken to see someone next to me)
32) Did you do anything you are ashamed of this year? Yes
33) What was the worst lie someone told you in 2005? I don't know if I told any this year?
34) Did you treat somebody badly in 2005? I try not to but yes I did. I didn't listen and then opened my big fat mouth.
35) Did somebody treat you badly in 2005? Other then myself no (I hate myself so I can be a real bastard to me sometimes)
36) How much money did you spend in 2005? HA! Like I keep track. I don't need another reason to be depressed. Besides what difference does it make? It is just paper.
37) What was your proudest moment of 2005? Not giving in to hate and fear and being here for a good friend
38) What was your most embarrassing moment of 2005? Uh don't know that I had one.
39) If you could go back in time to any moment of 2005 and change something what would it be? Nothing, not even the bad stuff that I might want to. We are all the culmination of all the events of our lives, by changing any of them we are changed. We must be what we are now. Even in jest I would not go back and change one thing. The repercussions could be far worse then the way things are. Pain is a part of life, anyone that says different is selling something. (a hard fact to swallow)
40) What are your plans for 2006? To move out, move on and fulfill my destiny. Hopfully not alone (as in single, without a girlfriend)
Whew that was a lot harder then I thought. I tried not to hold back at all. It is hard to answer some of them and think what they mean. But I am done thinking about life. It is what it is.
Life is a journey, not a destination. MOVE ALONG!
May the Force be with you
Excelsior!!!
2) What was your favorite moment of the year? Oh God I have to pick one?! Well it would be the day that I heard from someone that had walked away.
3) What was your least favorite moment of the year? Losing hope in something special
4) Where were you when 2005 began? At the Loft. Freezing my ass off (and that is saying something)
5) Who were you with? Nicky, Sara, Todd, Chris, Miles, Ben, Amy, Nick and his wife. I think there were more but I forgot them.
6) Where will you be when 2005 ends? Not entirely sure, I plan to be at Ben's but always in motion is the future.
7) Who will you be with when 2005 ends? This is easy- Good Friends
8) Did you keep your new years resolution of 2005? I don't remember wh....No wait yes I do and it is a work in progress, so yes
9) Do you have a new years resolution for 2006? Not yet I prefer the spur of the moment
10) Did you fall in love in 2005? Already was and kept falling
11) If so who? Not going to say here. I don't fall and tell
12) If yes, do they know? Yes, but I don't think she understands it.
14) You regret it? No I am glad she knows.
15) Did you breakup with anyone in 2005? You mean in a romantic way so no
16) Did you make any new friends in 2005? Yes it is my only talent
17) Who are your favorite friends? This is a stupid question. All of them!
18) What was your favorite month of 2005? Hmmm since all time is now I don't know that I can discern one from another. November Yes November
19) Did you travel outside of the US in 2005? Nope
20) How many different states did you travel to in 2005? Four Indiana, Michigan, Missouri and no wait only three, I live in Illinois. I forget sometimes.
21) Did you lose anybody close to you in 2005? I assume that you mean did they die. No and I am lucky for it. Besides this mortal coil is only a form that we wear. We just transcend the body and become one with the Force so we are always with each other, just not in a physical sense.
22) Did you miss anybody in the past year? Hell yes!
23) What was your favorite movie that you saw in 2005? Well before today I would have said Star Wars Episode 3: Revenge of the Sith, but now it has to be The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe! Aslan rules!
24) What was your favorite song from 2005? Hmmm that is a tough one. Not a big music buff and I got a lot of new stuff this year, let me think. I will have to give you a small list of my top 4
1) Boulevard of Broken Dreams - Green Day
2) Photograph - Nickelback
3) Mercy Me - Alkaline Trio
4) Wake up when September Ends - Green Day
25) What was your favorite record from 2005? Crimson - Alkaline Trio (Thanks Nicky!!!!!)
26) How many concerts did you see in 2005? Not a one. No money
27) Did you have a favorite concert in 2005? Uh well I didn't go to any so no
28) did you drink a lot of alcohol in 2005? No but I wanted too really bad
29) did you do a lot of drugs in 2005? No.
30) How many people did you kiss in 2005? ZERO and it sucked.
31) How many people did you sleep with in 2005? ZERO and again it sucked (And I am not referring to having sex either, just once I would like to awaken to see someone next to me)
32) Did you do anything you are ashamed of this year? Yes
33) What was the worst lie someone told you in 2005? I don't know if I told any this year?
34) Did you treat somebody badly in 2005? I try not to but yes I did. I didn't listen and then opened my big fat mouth.
35) Did somebody treat you badly in 2005? Other then myself no (I hate myself so I can be a real bastard to me sometimes)
36) How much money did you spend in 2005? HA! Like I keep track. I don't need another reason to be depressed. Besides what difference does it make? It is just paper.
37) What was your proudest moment of 2005? Not giving in to hate and fear and being here for a good friend
38) What was your most embarrassing moment of 2005? Uh don't know that I had one.
39) If you could go back in time to any moment of 2005 and change something what would it be? Nothing, not even the bad stuff that I might want to. We are all the culmination of all the events of our lives, by changing any of them we are changed. We must be what we are now. Even in jest I would not go back and change one thing. The repercussions could be far worse then the way things are. Pain is a part of life, anyone that says different is selling something. (a hard fact to swallow)
40) What are your plans for 2006? To move out, move on and fulfill my destiny. Hopfully not alone (as in single, without a girlfriend)
Whew that was a lot harder then I thought. I tried not to hold back at all. It is hard to answer some of them and think what they mean. But I am done thinking about life. It is what it is.
Life is a journey, not a destination. MOVE ALONG!
May the Force be with you
Excelsior!!!
Title with Love
I just got back from seeing The Chronicles of Narnina: The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe.
IT WAS AMAZING!
IT WAS AWESOME!
IT WAS SPECTACULAR!
Everything was perfect. The fauns perfect! The centaurs, perfect! Aslan, perfect!
It was almost as good as what I imagined the first time I read the book. I am still tingling from the roar. If you haven't seen then see it. If you are going tell me cause I will give blood to see it again. I really loved the movie and I hope you do to.
And if you haven't read the books then....well....not to be harsh but
READ THE BOOKS!
As great as the movie was and as stoked as I feel after seeing it, there is a lingering sadness. A question that echoes in my heart.
Is there no magic in the world?
But the sadness gives way to the knowledge that the answer is YES. It is an old magic that surrounds all of us. No it is not flashy or spectacular. It dose not call down lightning or create fireballs. No it is a subtle magic. It is a smile at the right time. A gentle touch in a moment of pain. The encouraging word given to a weary heart. We all carry this magic within us and it can move mountains. It can heal old wounds that still ache. Drive off fears that paralyize us. Calm a raging heart.
It is love.
Just knowing it exists in the world is a comfort. But knowing that people have abbandoned it hurts. Don't turn away from the magic. Don't believe that you can do nothing. Stand up and act. Only when we use it can its power truly be felt and it grows. It is this time of year that we all start to feel its power. Take up its banner and charge into the fray. It is yours to use as you see fit. Wield it wisely, but freely.
I love you all and it is that love that has been the wind beneath my wings.
May the Force be with you
Excelsior!!!
IT WAS AMAZING!
IT WAS AWESOME!
IT WAS SPECTACULAR!
Everything was perfect. The fauns perfect! The centaurs, perfect! Aslan, perfect!
It was almost as good as what I imagined the first time I read the book. I am still tingling from the roar. If you haven't seen then see it. If you are going tell me cause I will give blood to see it again. I really loved the movie and I hope you do to.
And if you haven't read the books then....well....not to be harsh but
READ THE BOOKS!
As great as the movie was and as stoked as I feel after seeing it, there is a lingering sadness. A question that echoes in my heart.
Is there no magic in the world?
But the sadness gives way to the knowledge that the answer is YES. It is an old magic that surrounds all of us. No it is not flashy or spectacular. It dose not call down lightning or create fireballs. No it is a subtle magic. It is a smile at the right time. A gentle touch in a moment of pain. The encouraging word given to a weary heart. We all carry this magic within us and it can move mountains. It can heal old wounds that still ache. Drive off fears that paralyize us. Calm a raging heart.
It is love.
Just knowing it exists in the world is a comfort. But knowing that people have abbandoned it hurts. Don't turn away from the magic. Don't believe that you can do nothing. Stand up and act. Only when we use it can its power truly be felt and it grows. It is this time of year that we all start to feel its power. Take up its banner and charge into the fray. It is yours to use as you see fit. Wield it wisely, but freely.
I love you all and it is that love that has been the wind beneath my wings.
May the Force be with you
Excelsior!!!
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